I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

* But if was underage or something where I seriously would think that's just fucking deviant then that's a whole different ball game.*

Well, yes... I’d be going to the police in the case

Good luck trying to find a man that doesn't watch porn.

It is the lying, you're right. If he'd said oh, I'm really sorry but i got tempted and looked I'd have been pissed off but could have dealt with it.

For those asking, i used to self harm when i was younger, and the breakup drove me back. I haven't done since, but he knew that I was pushed into it by his behaviour then, and was willing to risk it again.

It's nothing illegal, as i said. If it was underage girls I would have killed him in his sleep. It's not gay porn either, in some ways that would have been easier because it wouldn't be like i was competing.

He can't help doing it, you can't help hating it. And nobody can tell if they'll manage to change their ways any time in this life. It must be hard making a decision on this. All the best OP

JazzyJelly, there are plenty of good, decent men who find porn quite distasteful. You're young enough to find one if you want to. It isn't too late to start again. Yes you'll be sad for a while but if you had a child, would you really want their father to be a man who watches porn?

Cut your losses, you'll be able to have another home, maybe not as good as the one you have now but it will be yours and eventually you'll meet someone who doesn't have such a revolting habit.

I will say though, don't tell friends or family the real reason for breaking up, that wouldn't be fair. People break up for all sorts of reasons so you can be suitably vague.

If it's on his work laptop, this is reckless, dangerous behaviour and he will be sacked if it is found.

For me it wasn't the porn itself either. It was the lying. If he had said "look, I know you don't see the appeal, but I like the idea of X, it turns me on so I enjoy just watching that bit elsewhere" and had then told you the truth when you had asked, would that have made You feel better? That it was just his way of fuelling a fantasy of his that he knows will never be real, and doesn't want it to be?

Personally I would have been ok with that. But I am not you.

What I do know, is that the lying is a form of gaslighting and it took a massive toll on my mental health. Now he didn't cause my MH problems, but he knew that lies made it worse and did it anyway.

I was like you, I loved him deeply, and he was great in so many ways. But I couldn't get past the lying. As someone said to me: if you had a drink which was 95% brilliant, but had 5% shit in it, you wouldn't just drink it any way.

I still see my ex and adore him BUT not as a husband and not as a sexual partner. Our views were too different in this area. Sure, sex isnt everything. But when it is broken, it becomes everything.

@thethoughtfox - absolutely. He is risking his career for porn? He must have a pretty bad problem.

Would he be willing to try counselling?

JazzyJelly, there are plenty of good, decent men who find porn quite distasteful 😂 😂 😂

Yeah there's probably a good 80 in the UK OP, get searching!

on a serious note. Your red lines are your red lines, and they are for you to choose.

If you've repeatedly said "I don't accept you watching the "black and bisexual" channel on YP" and he still continues doing it, what message is he sending you?

thethoughtfox Sat 16-Nov-19 19:42:38
If it's on his work laptop, this is reckless, dangerous behaviour and he will be sacked if it is found.

Yeah except OP has already stated that it's not images of child abuse or in any way breaks the law, so his employers really are not going to care.

That's exactly it SirChing. Thank you for putting it so well. I guess i have fairly low self worth and a tendency to harm myself, as a 95% good relationship/drink with 5% shit sounds better than i had ever originally hoped for myself. God that sounds pathetic.

Sorry to harp on but also, in a contest between a person's deeply held sexual desires and their partner, the partner will never win. You can't unwant something.

He could maybe, although his actions show otherwise, not watch porn about it. But it will still be playing like a film in his head. It is what spins his wheels. He can't help that. Same as you can't help hating the thing he desires and lies.

Of course you can leave him if you want to. However he is obviously struggling to give up watching the pornography as you have asked him to and has ended up lying about it. It may be that he an addiction to porn or has other issues with his sexuality that you're not aware of. It might be worth trying relationship counselling before you walk away from the relationship.

Early 30s - you have time to find a new partner or go for sperm donor if you feel you deserve better than someone who can lie to your face- which I think you do!

I actually don’t think all men watch porn, my DH doesn’t (and that’s not me being naive, he really just isn’t that kind of guy).

@JazzyJelly You are NOT pathetic. You have loved and trusted someone. They have broken your trust. That's on him, not you.

Sometimes it's easier to turn in on ourselves than turn the pain & anger towards its source. Because then we would have to face it, which is scary, because then things change. Hugely.

You know what though? The worst time for me was feeling how you feel now. That was the very worst bit of the whole thing. Splitting was a walk in the park in comparison to the nauseating agony of indecision.

You can't make yourself unknow what you know. Though it would be great if you could.

PS, no, you don't drink the drink with the least amount of shit in it. You go without if that's as good as it gets.

PM me if you like. Huge hugs x

Oh and also (I will shut up soon, promise), your self harm is in no way equivalent to his lies.

You are only hurting you, and don't want to hurt your husband. He knows he is hurting you and doing it any way.

You have done nothing wrong, you aren't stupid or pathetic. You have loved and trusted, that's all. It is him who has actively harmed your marriage. Not you xxx

Please don't shut up, you're being really helpful and it's comforting to hear that someone else has been through this and come out the other side. You're being so kind.

No, most workplaces would consider use of work laptops to watch porn to be misconduct.

I know 2 people who were sacked for this.

@JazzyJelly

You will get through this too and out the other side. I can remember the idea of leaving filling me with horror, but hating myself for staying when it went against everything I had ever thought I would do in that scenario.

But there is a third option. Do nothing for now. Wait for what feels right for you to come to the surface. But the waiting and doubting is what made me mentally unwell.

I can't tell you what you should do, but I will give you a virtual handheld through it if you like.

And re the laptops being work's. Yes, it's a risk, there could be repercussions etc, but that isn't the biggest thing for YOU. You focus on what you want to focus on. Irrespective of what I or anyone else says.

He has crossed your boundaries, OP. As a pp said, he may not be able or willing to stop doing it, but it makes you unhappy, SO, you have a choice.
You can leap into the unknown and release yourself from this unhappiness (I didn't meet my DP till I was 39, had ist child at nearly 41 - it's doable)
OR, you can stay and be lied to for ever.

Yeah there's probably a good 80 in the UK OP, get searching!

There are lots more than that, and the mocking tone when the OP is heartbroken is really horrible.

Most men like porn but not all do. My most recent ex HATED it with a vengeance. Whereas I am not bothered by it as long as my bloke doesn't lie about it.

It's the lies that have broken the OP. Not all men watch porn. But of the ones that do, loads of them tell the truth about it and don't betray trust like OP's DH.

It's the nuances that are upsetting in this case, not the porn itself!

Thank you for your support. I think I'll pretend to be ill tonight and go to bed early. It helps that I haven't been able to eat today. I'll try to sleep and see if I feel any stronger or clearer in the morning.

I know someone like you , and my advice to them would be still single focus on your self and get over all that. As all that isn't you?