I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

Apologies, I see you missed the bit about it being generally considered a negative.

Get out now while you have a choice. When you are 6 months pregnant you are going to find him watching this kind of porn, when you have a 2 year old and you are pregnant again, you will find it on the home computer. It will haunt your life. Get out now before he fucks up your life

Yes, I must have missed it in the midst of everything.

I don't think anyone would be offended op if you say it diplomatically.

Even if posters have that characteristic, I'm sure they'd be uncomfortable themselves at a man seeking them out sexually solely/primarily on that basis. And that's your issue, not ant issue/prejudice with the characteristic in general.

But can you not see that he could possibly care about you & not want you to hurt yourself ? Everybody lies. Lies are human nature. The biggest lie apparently is is “i’m fine” when someone asks how you are. We tell lies to protect ourselves, lies to protect people’s feelings too.

This is a forum & am allowed to still be deciding whether this is an “ltb” or not.

What stands out to me is that the OP feels supported in her past trauma by this man. Usually posts on here are women that don’t feel supported & describe selfish, horrible men.

Nothing here screams that to me. I see someone who has a very emotionally fragile partner & may be trying to protect their feelings.

Hi Op, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can't get my head around how people think that it is okay for their o/h to behave this way (I think I must be naïve because I didn't realise that porn was such a big thing).
I very recently discovered that my dh has been watching porn (I discovered this because he pressed the record button on the T.V by accident). When I confronted him with it, he admitted that yes he had been watching it (then tried to clarify that it was mild, occasional etc.). Apparently, when I spoke to him again about it - this had been going on for the past 5 or so months (with me and dcs upstairs in bed). I didn't have a clue. I am shocked by his deceit because he is a fabulous husband in a lot of ways, really didn't think he would do that. I am sad and angry that he lied to me and what's worse I don't feel that I can trust him and I have lost so much respect for him. On the day I found out, he actually made my skin crawl. Like you, I had a tough upbringing and he was the one person I thought that I could trust. I feel betrayed and I've organised some counselling because my first instinct was to separate and it is not easy for me to do because I am a sahm with 3 dcs but I don't know how to rebuild trust and respect, I just want to be away from him (difficult when you have young dcs). My anger is still raging and I am disgusted. Porn wreaks havoc on peoples lives. No answers I'm afraid but I don't get how some people can just normalise this. He has promised he won't view porn again...I have my doubts but then I would wouldn't I now.

The biggest lie apparently is is “i’m fine” when someone asks how you are

Slightly different from lying about (and continuing to do) something that your partner is unhappy about.

Personally I wouldn't be unhappy about my do occasionally watching mainstream/vanilla porn of varying types; but not ok with him watching one fetish every day. (The fetish is also important but I can't really establish that at the moment). So I'm with op, I'd probably have protested.

Lying is never good, it did up trust.

And he could well probably love you very much & think you’re just beautiful. I am tiny but have the saggiest breasts like a Tennis ball in an ankle sock. If my partner was looking up big breasted women it might sting. But maybe they all have pumped up face lips & Was born was some big lips ! Used to get teased & called “fish face” so you know what, we all have that special feature nobody else does. I just felt OP sounded like she would benefit from some self loving and apologies for any offence have caused to all

*it fucks up trust

He has promised he won't view porn again...I have my doubts but then I would wouldn't I now.

Referring to my dh in this statement.

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation shiny. I'm sure you feel very much like i do right now. Counselling sounds like a good idea, either alone or couples counselling. Of course, your situation is tougher than mine, having children. You must be a strong person to be holding it together for them. They love you if nothing else.

Plus my self esteem is pretty low at the moment, the perimenopause certainly isn't helping, cue failing eyesight, grey hair, extra weight, I could go on. DH purposefully watching someone younger writhe around on TV certainly hasn't helped all of this and has made me feel inadequate - when really I look quite good for my age.

I get that, as I've said i don't share the main characteristic of the women my H has been looking at every night. I think it might be a common thing for men to go for something dissimilar to what they have at home?

Jazzy, if I thought he was watching something that could pose a threat to my dcs in any way, I would be gone. But yes, it is difficult putting on a front in front of the dcs - my eldest is probably going to twig something isn't right if it continues. It isn't only the visual stuff, it's everything that goes with it as stated above. I couldn't have couples counselling right now, I need to sort out my own thoughts - it is going to cost dh a fortune in counselling fees plus all the additional purchases I have made recently in an attempt to improve my self confidence/retail therapy (he can afford it but I'm usually careful with money)!

Op he isn't the man you want to be with. You are a good age to get on with finding someone who you trust and can have kids with and who won't be sloping off to watch porn when you are getting the kids to bed.

Early thirtirs gives you a good few years to find the right man. If you wait and give this guy more years of your life you will regret it.

Btw. My husband doesn't watch porn. He is 40 so perhaps not quite the porn generation. But your husband isn't just watching it he is addicted to it and has allowed it to poison his relationship.

Has your sex life improved at all since the first time you found out about the porn? My ex had a bad porn habit, after I had dd (which took ages to conceive as we had sex so infrequently) he rarely came near me. It wrecked my self confidence. He had a fetish for young (legal) women and forced sex. I finally cracked when I found a dvd stash behind the sofa one day. It ended our relationship, it ruined his mental health as well. He ended up on some pretty heavy anti psychotics and under the care of a psychiatrist.

For some men porn is harmless habit, for others it destroys relationships and lives. You need to do what feels right for you. At 35 I wasn’t prepared to settle for an asexual relationship where my partner got his rocks off several times a day to images of young women being forced into sex. Fantasy it maybe but it also meant I looked at him with disgust and it killed any attraction I had towards him.

Not sure this applies to my dh (the characteristic thing) I don't think he was that fussy! Sorry this almost sounds comical - it isn't but the one hopeful thing is, I don't think he is addicted. I hope you are able to get a bit of support in R.L too Jazzy (and your partner too).

Thanks shiny. I'm embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life about it, hence posting on here. You sound like you've given your husband a lot, i agree the least he can do is pay to help fix the damage he's caused. If he's not addicted as I'm starting to believe mine is, that's hopeful.

I totally get that his lies are hurtful.

Is the porn-lie the only time he lied? Is your relationship otherwise built on truth and honesty?

Was he ever able to explain his need to watch porn and were you willing to listen?

I'm not saying that you should accept the fact you partner is watching porn, but is it possible that if the relationship was otherwise great and he would be transparent about his needs you could live with it?

In answer to your question, no, you don’t have to leave him for your dignity. You will not lose your dignity if you stay. You are free to choose.

You seem like you’re striving very hard to be a both a good person and a nice person, OP, but you also apply a lot of black and white thinking and I think that’s what got you to this point. And I think you’re probably extremely hard on yourself, too. Most people who self-harm are.

They say to never give an ultimatum in a relationship. Well, you did. It was stop watching porn or lose you. He was desperate not to lose you, so he agreed to not do something which is, whether you like it or not, statistically fairly natural. In a study of over 1,000 couples, 98% of the men had looked at internet pornography in the past month: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201802/when-is-porn-use-problem . This article also discusses when it becomes a problem, like it was for you then. His porn habit was negatively affecting your sex life and intimacy and so... you broke up. Honestly, this was an important point because it showed that you had a large problem and instead of considering counseling or other solutions, the solution was break up and then an ultimatum to get back together. No, that was never going to work. It never works after cheating. It never works after lying. Because the problem is never solved. One person just makes a promise out of sadness and desperation that they have no idea if they can keep. Especially when you’re saying: don’t do something 98% of married men do or you’ll lose the person you love.

So now you don’t have the same problem. By your admission, you have a good sex life, healthy intimacy, a man who stuck by you through your traumas, and an overall good relationship. But he’s watching porn again. Which apparently hasn’t affected you at all. Except he’s lied. Which I completely agree is wrong. I really do. It absolutely is, and I’m sure it’s devastating. He broke a promise. But I do think it was doomed to fail without counseling the first time. You need to determine if you’re going to just break up, or if all the other things you’ve listed are worth trying counseling, etc, as opposed to throwing it all away. You said counseling sounds like a good idea, and I really agree.

Either way, you will still have your dignity, because no one can take that away from you unless you let them. So don’t leave for that reason alone. Make sure if you leave, you leave for the right reasons.

And yes, our sex life was ok. I work away during the week so it's not frequent but ok(ish, nothing special but i thought that was because we've been together so long).

Thank you both for your detailed posts. In answer, i assume this is the only time he's lied, but of course I have no way of knowing, since he's proven himself a liar. A bit of a catch 22. But i have no reason to believe he's lied about anything else.

You're probably right, i shouldn't have issued an ultimatum. It's not a healthy way to have a relationship. In my defence, i was young and naive. I guess I'm just naive now.

Hi Jazzyjelly
So sorry to read what you're going through - I experienced similar, at a similar age to you. We were married, planning children in a few years...

Fast forward 20 years and two teenagers later and I discovered he had lied, and lied and lied. He had a porn addiction and also a gambling addiction. He was the most convincing liar I have ever met and it seriously damaged my mental health.

Scary as it seems GET OUT NOW. I was afraid like you, felt the biological clock was ticking etc etc so I stayed. He promised to change time and time and time again. The porn became mire extreme, I ended up becoming an object for his sexual gratification. Sex became a massive issue.

Five years post divorce and I'm only just recovering and processing the shit he put us through.

For your own health and sanity be brave enough to end things - I so dearly wish I had. Xx

I so want to know what it is now, not that it's relevant.

Most men (and quite a lot of both sexes) watch porn. They won't necessarily tell they're partners they're watching it, if they're going solo with it. I wouldn't mind someone using porn, and I would understand them keeping quiet about it- that's how society is about sex.

He also probably didn't want you to feel inadequate for not having...

really small boobs (?) (not that there's anything wrong with that, mine are sometimes, but bigger ones are more conventionally seen as attractive) or whatever he likes to view.

Think yourself lucky in a way that it's not some disgusting act he might try and introduce into your sex life.

As to other guys- you'll find plenty who will be ok with you and what you feel are the effects of what you've been through in life- everyone has their quirks or things a partner might find difficult. You could probably also find some that say they don't watch porn- but how would anyone know, unless you put 24/7 surveillance on their internet usage etc?

Self-harm though- I used to do that or have ideas of doing it, still do think of it sometimes I suppose, but I had EMDR therapy (for various traumas and the effect they'd had on my emotional responses/personality) and it helped. If one type of therapy didn't help, you could try another. Things don't have to be that way. xxx

In a way, it's not your OH's responsibility to prevent you self harming by always acting exactly how you would like (I say this as someone who sometimes does it, so I do understand.) You can't expect him to do everything you want or tiptoe around you due to the unspoken threat that you'll harm yourself. It is also a matter for professionals who aren't in a personal relationship with you, not him.

If you had therapy you'd have less to worry about when it comes to what he or any future partner might have to put up with (though I'm sure you're not as hard work as you think.)

As to whether you can handle him doing a normal thing blokes/people do, which is private and normal for a lot of people to keep quiet about, that's up to you. Everyone has their individual deal breakers I suppose.

I understand that he's lied though, and that that's upset you. x

I never had an issue with porn until I dated a porn addict. It broke me, it broke us. The lack of sex, the ED, the wondering which actress they're going to be looking up topless in the film you're watching, the lack of connection in bed, the thoughts of how gross he must find you, how gross you find yourself. It's awful.

OP, if he's still using it but the sex has improved, try and work through it. However, if it's impacting on your mental health in any way, leave.

@RightYesButNo

I think you have said it best. JazzyJelly, what Right is saying makes so much sense. Please listen.

My therapist gave me "homework" the other day, which was to work on letting go of black/white negative thinking. She pointed out that two thoughts, both true but in direct conflict with each other, can exist at the same time. Both are important, and don't have to lead to an all-or-nothing decision. Also, linking thoughts with "and" is positive. Using "but" is more negative.

So he has been a huge support to you and he's also lied about watching porn. Counselling can help you decide if you are capable of and want to accept and live with both. None of us can decide that for you, but individual and couple's counselling for you both would be very helpful even if you end your marriage.

💐