DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

Oh no so sorry this is happening to you.

I personally think him moving out could be a bad thing. God forbid something was to happen. But in the same breath a break might do you some good.

Do you think he might feel isolated as you are away from family and friends? Maybe suggest he go back to his local area for a week for a break and then you can rest easy knowing he has a support network byway of friends and family?

@Heartburn888 He doesn’t want to go back home. I did suggest it but he hates it there. I’ll try again today.

The trouble is we argue constantly and it’s having a negative effect on the babies. He doesn’t want them upset anymore and neither do I. I honestly don’t know what to do.

He actually seems quite perky this morning. Like he’s unburdened himself so feels better. I’ve gone from feeling desperate sympathy last night to wanting to slap him!

It’s difficult because on one hand MH is very difficult to tackle and it’s good that he’s admitted he’s got a problem
BUT on the other hand it’s nice for him that he gets bro go and live by himself while he deals with it while you are left literally holding the babies!
Make sure he is at least contributing financially and giving you a break
I would also be feeling sympathy while wanting to slap him at the same time. My father was like this, he did genuinely have MH issues but he did use them as an excuse to behave like a selfish arsehole too, the 2 things aren’t mutually exclusive!

Sounds to me like he's going to duck out of family life and have a nice little break in his bachelor pad while you take care of the children and hang on waiting for him to return.

How does this life look to him?

Does he think he'll be dropping into the family home as and when it suits?

Or is he planning to fully help out with the children 50/50, and have them overnights as well, because obviously you and your mental health will need a break too?

@Hoppinggreen I’m sorry to hear about your father? Did he stay with your DM or did they end up splitting?

There is a part of me thinking it must be nice to just be able to leave! On the other hand I honestly don’t see how he can stay. It’s so bad for the babies and my sanity is slowly slipping as well. I’m so stressed and angry at him most of the time. He says he will still come and visit every day if I want and they he’ll give us money (I’m not working atm. That will obviously have to change!)

@MadnessInMethod my fear is that that life might end up involving sitting on the PlayStation until 3am and living off Pot Noodles. I wouldn’t let him have the babies overnight. I wouldn’t trust him to wake up if they needed him. He’s a really deep sleeper and doesn’t hear them crying half the time.

I did ask him if we were splitting up and he said he doesn’t want that. I told him he can’t decided he’s not capable of currently being a husband and expect me to just wait around for him. Not that a 40 year old mother of toddler twins is much of a catch obviously

Sounds to me like he's going to duck out of family life and have a nice little break in his bachelor pad while you take care of the children and hang on waiting for him to return.

And then be on eggshells when he comes back, scared he'll leave again if it all gets too much (wants a break from his responsiblities while you soldier on as a lone parent to twin babies).

So he is abandoning his family with the excuse of his mental health illness instead of looking for something else that would help improve it.

Are you sure he isn't cheating on you?

It is unacceptable. Did he even tell you for how long he is planning to live in the flat?
I would tell him that if he leaves, expect divorce papers coming his way. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.

Ok so if he moves out he'll drop in every day? Why bother moving out then?

The first years of a baby's life can be so difficult; I'm sure more so with twins.

If he moves out I think that could change your feelings for him forever. It would me.

Go to relate; think about throwing money at the problem if you can (can you get a mother's help or some other help with the babies?); in the meantime try to find some financial security for yourself too. Sometimes both parents working can actually work wonders.

I'm not suggesting you should keep the marriage together at all costs but when the kids are young I don't see how splitting/him moving out is any good for you at all.

Just a thought but could he have PTSD and pnd relating to the birth of the babies. Sometimes it needs a different approach. I would let him move out and get himself back on an even keel as it sounds like the current situation is not healthy or happy for anyone.

OP, I am mother to a 5 month old and suffering from PND. Medication is helping me but I still sometimes (a lot) feel that my dc and dp deserve better and would be better off without me and the burden I am currently bringing.
Before I started the meds then I think 100% they would have been better off without me. I would have left. Not because I don't want them but because I knew I wasn't good to be around.
Obviously your dh moving out is going to be really hard on you, just make sure he does see the gp and gets to the bottom of it.
I really feel for you because I realise how hard it must be to live with and try to support someone with mh issues.

She eventually decided she’d had enough after 25 years and they split
It was very very messy and he did some awful things, including to me. His excuse was always “Im not well”. I went NC with him when I was pg as I couldn’t expose my child to his behaviour and didn’t go to the hospital when he was dying or his funeral (he used to claim to be dying regularly). No regrets at all but I do think that if my mum had got away from him earlier perhaps it would have been better but their generation stayed together “for the children”
Anyway, this thread isn’t about me but I wanted to make the point that someone can genuinely have MH issues but also be capable of behaving like a decent human being (or not). They can also play the MH card to excuse their behaviour and/or get sympathy

He says he will still come and visit every day if I want and they he’ll give us money

I would be careful of him dropping in whenever suits him as it allows you no space for your own needs at all. I would be especially careful of him dropping in at meals times or with a bag of washing, or for a quick bunk up only to wander off home to his bachelor pad again after. Be firm with what you want, get him to take the kids out for his visits so you can have a proper break, not just play with them while you are running about doing housework. Let him know what it would feel like to have to cope as a divorced dad. Please take care of yourself

I would be telling him if he moves out he's out for good. He is absolutely taking the piss.

So neither of you are enjoying good mental health at the moment and you have 15 month old twins to take care of. That must be really, really tiring and difficult.
His answer is to run away and leave you with the entire parenting burden. Selfish man.

I know this sounds really unsympathetic but it just feels like he's throwing his toys out of the pram because you have to be mummy to the actual babies, his ego just can't cope with the fact that they are the centre of attention
he's lying on the floor and having a tantrum

What is it with men in their 40s! So many of us living through the same crap... mines the same, saying we should split cause its not fair for me to be with him when he can prioritise me at all and he can barely deal with his own issues on a faily basis. He is depressed, irritable and snappy. He literally cant make an actual decision on anynothing and its gonna have to come down to me to set boundaries. Which im finding difficult as i dont want to push him away. But my mh is deteriorating rapidly and his situation is not gonna be resolved in a couple of weeks even if he seeks help (therapy /meds). Im at a loss. Want to help him get better and pull through but cant stand the life im living with so many unknowns and little love.(see my threads.. ive been in the same place for the last month...)

Not that a 40 year old mother of toddler twins is much of a catch obviously

Firstly, don’t sell yourself short.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It does seem as if he wants to duck out of family while you are left to pick up the pieces. It’s good he’s admitted he has a problem and I hope he does seek help for that. I just think it’s a very unfair that he gets to live in his bachelor pad all alone while you have to raise your twins on your own.

Does he have a plan? I think you deserve to know what he is planning to do to improve his mental health, once he is in his own place. You also need to find out how much contact he is planning on having with the twins, if he will help you financially etc.

Take care of yourself

I'd also add - get stuff in writing and signed.

The 'I'll help with finances' is the oldest line in the book. They do mean it - right up until they find out how expensive single life is.

Has he actually done anything proactive about his mental health, such as going to GP and trying antidepressants, or looking into getting therapy? Or has he just treated you shit and then jumped into moving out?

Has he actually done anything proactive about his mental health, such as going to GP and trying antidepressants, or looking into getting therapy?

The op says medication, CBT etc aren't having much effect so it very much looks like he's doing what he can to get help.

@Hithere2 He’s been to the GP several times. He’s on ADs and beta blockers but they just aren’t working! He did a course of CBT as well, but it didn’t help. He says he feels like he has something more serious. Personality disorder, autism, he isn’t sure.

I really don’t think he’s cheating. I know every woman on here says that, but I honestly don’t.

@MarianaMoatedGrange I think he just said that to try and make me feel better as I was upset (obviously) in reality I can’t see it happening. He works 12 hour shifts!

@Simkin The trouble is our relationship has hit utter rock bottom. I’ve been guilty of telling him to leave on more than one occasion. Mostly out of frustration at how he’s behaving. Now it looks like he’s actually doing it. We have no spare money for extra help unfortunately. I will have to go back to work. I’m planning on going back to university the year after next too.

@ChuckleBuckles that’s an excellent point regarding taking the children out. I could very easily see him sitting on the floor with them while I run about. I don’t know how it will work tbh as he never takes them out alone.

@Windygate and @RhinoskinhaveI the meaner side of me does think it’s selfish. When we argue he’ll often say I’m obsessed with the babies and have no time for him
anymore.

@Startingoveragain1 I’m sorry you are going though a similar situation My DH doesn’t even have the mid life crisis excuse though as he’s younger than me!

@YabaDabaBoo We haven’t discussed things in depth yet regarding what will happen moving forward. I think I’m still in shock.

@Zaphodsotherhead it is indeed the oldest trick in the book. I like to think he means it but time will tell...

Right. I completely understand how you feel and I truly sympathise. It’s absolutely shit and a head duck because you DO want to be supportive and you DO feel sorry for them, but equally you have every right to be angry... not angry that he had mental health problem but angry with how he is choosing to deal with them. That is a choice.

My DH has always struggled with his MH and has had a few very dark times while our little one was a baby. We had also moved to a new place, too much change in a short space of time and he didn’t get help soon enough.

He is back on track now and all is good. What worked for us was:

• a line in the sand. I was VERY clear with him that I would stay with him and support him 100% as long as he was proactively trying to find a way to deal with his MH problems. For him this was medication, talking therapy and exercise. I was also very clear that I would not tolerate his MH problems affecting me or DD, that we would have to split up if he took his problems out on me or her. Being so black and white about it really helped (but it also helped that he really really didn’t want to split up. It sounds like your DH doesn’t want to either).

Basically I put the onus on him. It’s not my job to fix his MH. It’s not your job to bend over backwards to do ANYTHING that he thinks might make life easier for him to cope with - and definitely not at a detriment to yourself.

Your feelings matter too. Your mental health needs protecting too. Your needs matter too.

I would sit down and have a calm, from the heart talk with him about how it is making you feel, and what your line in the sand is.

Good luck OP .

Sorry that was so long!