DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

The trouble is that I don’t feel DH is in a place where he is willing to be proactive. I could say all these things but I’m really doubtful it will make a difference. I’ve asked him until I’m blue in the face to not stay up until the small hours/stop eating crap/start exercising etc. etc. It’s made no difference.

The trouble is he’s been very clear that he doesn’t feel able to be a husband or give me what I need right now. Therefore giving him a list of things he needs to do seems pointless/counterproductive. He’s already told me he’s not capable of doing it

And you’re right...my needs do matter. He was in tears last night saying he knew it wasn’t fair telling me all these things and that I didn’t deserve it. He said I deserve better than him and that he’s sorry.

Some of these replies are a fucking disgrace. I truly hope all of you who are belittling this Man who is seemingly going through an acute Mental Health episode never have to deal with mental health issues in your own families.

OP, all you can do is give what little support you can for now and see how things pan out. Obviously there is a possibility that he never returns home and there is an equal possibility that in 6 months he wants to but you have moved on from him.

It's a terrible situation and you are best placed to know if he's full of shit or not but from what you've written it does sound like he's struggling. PND is a serious issue amongst fathers and unfortunately as with all MH problems there just isn't enough support or understanding for it. If he is genuinely struggling and not just taking the piss then try to be sympathetic and empathetic to his situation. If this was a Mother suffering from PND we would all rally around her, we should do the same for Men.

If visiting the gp, taking the current medication and cbt therapy doesn't work, he must go to an specialist- psychiatrist, other therapist, etc.
Just saying that he tried but doesn't work doesn't mean he did everything he could

Why is his mh more important than yours?

I am a mama that suffered from postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety after the birth of all my kids, anxiety, panic attacks and depression all my life. I am not am stranger to MH.

I think you hit rock bottom and he hasn't yet. You are carrying the family's load and his too.

He is happy not to live with you and his children and pop in when he wishes and give you money. Very non committal.

He needs to get his mh in check for himself and his children, otherwise he is not a good father. I think the husband past is already gone.

Sit down together and work down on a budget that includes you not working full time. Punch all the numbers that maintain your current style of living and you and the kids do not suffer for his selfishness.
Add some babysitting fund to the budget as you will need relief from raising twins by yourself.
All the money left is for him to enjoy his freedom - lodging, food, utilities, etc
Let's see how much he likes his idea ince he sees the new reality.
Of course you need for a full time job and be ready to be a single mom with visitation eow.
Doesn't make any sense - he wants to live in his own and he cannot even take care of himself now when you are there for him?
There is something else in this equation.

Document, document, document. You need to protect your kids from harmful influences even if it's the father

WestSideSnorey I am an old hand at mental illness issue in my own family. I wish I fucking wasn't. One thing I do know OP is you have to look after yourself and you're right, it sounds like the best thing to do practically is to get a job, pay for childcare, and behave as if he's already left. You may find this easier than the current situation anyway.

I hope your H has medical care and assistance to get him through this but I think with 15 month old twins it is not possible for you to be much support. You cannot give everything to everyone else and still be OK. It is unfortunate but true.

westsidesnorey actually quite a few people who have commented HAVE experienced MH issues within their family and know how difficult it is for everyone concerned

Agree with the PP, if he can't look after himself at home, how will he manage on his own during a MH crisis?

Plus can he afford to run two homes?

He needs to see his GP/MH team and get this needs revalued - meds are clearly not working for him.

You need to think about yourself too. He does need to get his mh in a better place but it's not an excuse to duck responsibilities. It could be many causes but a diagnosis changes nothing, there's no cure for autism etc. My h who definitely is on the spectrum did leave in the end, it's not easy to live with them! (Dd is autistic too, luckily she is good at managing herself nowadays )

@WestSideSnorey I don’t think he’s taking the piss. I genuinely think he has MH issues that run a lot deeper than the help/meds he’s receiving. He said he hears voices sometimes, struggles to match his behaviour to that of the people around him, struggles to empathise etc.

He’s like a shell of the man I fell in love with. I barely recognise him. It’s beyond heartbreaking.

@Simkin My own earning potential is rather shit atm, hence wanting to go back to university. I’m going to have to start job searching though.

@HowlsMovingBungalow I don’t know if he WILL be able to look after himself. I also know that I can’t continue to live with the person he’s become or expose my babies to the fall out of it. It’s just utterly shit.

He can’t afford to run two homes. I’ll have to put in a UC in the short term. We already receive a small amount due to him having a low waged job. Obviously I will also have to find work myself.

It’s a total head fuck. He’s just gone off for the day to his back practice and tried to hug me good bye. I asked him not to as it’s not fair on me.

@stucknoue can I ask how your ex behaved? I really don’t know if DH is on spectrum or not, but I strongly suspect it!

Band practice obviously. Back practice would be weird...

actually quite a few people who have commented HAVE experienced MH issues within their family and know how difficult it is for everyone concerned

From your experience then what can they do? Op is saying that he can't continue to stay in the family home as he's too unwell and it's affecting them all and as we know mh services are not great. How do people cope in situations like this?

HI OP,

Your husband may have mental health issues and serious ones, he could have post natal depression (fathers get this too). However, we do not treat mothers with PND by telling them to leave their child with the father and go live alone and sort themselves out - that would be unheard of, unless the person was being hospitalised for serious psychiatric issues.

So we can all accept your DH is in a bad place mentally without accepting his solution which is to abandon you and your children and move to a flat - which he cannot even afford.

Could he get residential treatment for his depression if it is causing hallucinations? This could be a way of him getting time alone but supervised, to get better but also make him realise that he needs to get help, he cannot sit in a flat for the next 5 years while you raise your two children alone.

Annasgirl

That's very true but it does sound here as though the op is saying that he can't continue to live with them with his MH as it is now, so I also doubt many mums with PND would be told to leave the home by their partners either would they? Is there residential help available for people in situations like this? From what you see in the media the answer seems to be know so what happens to people like this man?

@Annasgirl I have no idea what help is available to be honest. Up until now he has only been offered CBT and it hasn’t helped. I feel he needs a proper psychiatric assessment and a treatment plan going forward.

I don’t particularly want my DH to leave. It’s him that is saying he thinks it’s the best solution. All I know is we can’t continue as we are. I practically feel like a single parent as it is. If he’s telling me he doesn’t feel able to change/be my husband then what am I supposed to do? I feel as lost as he does. I have a solo Relate season this week before our joint ones start. I’m really hoping they will be able to help.

Also he may have been honest about his feelings now but this is after months of him being shitty to me and me feeling like I’m going mad/it’s all my fault. Whilst I empathise greatly with him I can’t help also feeling furious. Who’s been there to support me while I do the bulk of looking after two tiny children?

If he has a borderline personality disorder CBT Isn’t recommended. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is the current recommended therapy. If it’s any of the others am not sure. why does he say he thinks he has a personality disorder or autism & specifically which personality disorder does he identify with here

@prawnsword He though narcissistic but I don’t agree tbh. He’s not a narcissist in my opinion. He also thought possibly autism because he says he struggles to empathise/care about people and feels like he’s almost acting a role when he’s in company etc. Iyswim? The thing is when I met him he was really sensitive so I honestly don’t know what’s happened? I feel
Like he didn’t like to be like this, whereas he argues he has and could just hide it better. Obviously he’s the expert in his own life so I have to listen to him.

I just know there’s something seriously wrong and he needs help.

That last post makes almost zero sense. Sorry, my phone is playing up!

I think if it’s better for both your mental health (and your babies - you say it is affecting them) if he leaves. Staying together in this horrible situation is worse for everyone. I would separate to give you both a chance for some time and space to work out what to do for the best. Living in a toxic atmosphere with a baby - I can’t imagine anything worse. Being alone is 10 x better IMO.

Firstly OP, sending you and hugs!

My DTs are 4 now and we went through similar to you - a struggle to have them followed by IVF. DP desperately wanted DC but was useless when they finally arrived. Just very, very lazy and unsupportive; no MH reasons unless you count being an arse, I just think he liked the idea of (older) DC but not the reality of 24/7, tiny, demanding babies who had to take priority in any situation, regardless of how tired/ ill/ fed up you were. He would (and still will) foist them on MIL and FIL at any opportunity.

I will say however that he has got slightly better with them since they were two or so and actually able to communicate! But we have very nearly split up many times as I felt like I was doing all the donkey work anyway, therefore not living with him wouldn't make much actual difference.

It does sound like he feels he needs a break from the responsibility of small DC (but then wouldn't we all like that from time to time?!) - if you do end up living apart, from a practical point of view, do you have support you can access nearby? Family/ friends/ local groups such as churches? Please make the most of your local children's centre and register with Home Start, if you haven't already - they could give you a regular hand with the DC. Local colleges might also help you, if they have childcare students who'd spend time with you as part of their coursework.

Don't assume that you'd be better off going back to work if you have to pay for childcare (but going back to work might help your mental health, getting out and talking to other adults is much easier than looking after baby toddlers!) and try grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/ in case you're entitled to any extra money. Your local council and CAB would be able to help too.

You can call TAMBA/ Twins Trust for a chat/ moan/ shoulder to cry on, they all have multiples and have been there! Loads of helpful info on their website too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and hope that Relate can help you both. From what you've said it sounds like a case of 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst', Relate can definitely talk you through all your options. It is very, very hard to go through these things especially when you have small DC relying on you, but there is support out there for you (and your DH) and people who care.

It’s awful @AutumnConker we don’t even have to actually shout for them to get upset. As soon as we get annoyed with each other you can see the confusion on their faces. It’s so upsetting and the guilt cripples me (and DH)
Unfortunately atm keeping the peace would basically mean me keeping my mouth shut and not minding him sleeping on morning instead of getting up with us, being disengaged from us etc. and I just can’t do it. It sounds dramatic but I actually feel ill with pent up anger a lot of the time.

Thank you so much @RubySlippers77 you’re very kind I’m sorry you have been through similar with your DH. It is utterly soul destroying isn’t it? I know exactly what you mean about feeling like being single would make to difference to your work load.

My parents live close by and help me a lot. I have friends, but we live in quite an isolated spot, so getting about can be tricky. Neither of us drive, although I’m taking lessons and hoping to be driving soon. Unfortunately there’s no Home Start near to me (checked it out a while ago) and the Sure Start Centre was closed a few years ago

I’ve often thought about ringing Tamba, but never plucked up the courage. With regards to work...I would only go back PT for now. My parents would watch the babies. We already have a UC claim and get a small amount each month which tops up DH wage. I’m assuming I’ll just have to switch to a single claim if he leaves.

I really hope Relate can help too. I desperately want his GP to refer him to a psychiatrist as well, so will push for that.

@noneedtoberudedear yes, it completely destroyed my confidence (and still has, TBH). My DP essentially wanted DC for the nice bits but not for the bits where you are tired, fed up, are desperate for a rest etc..... ie, most of them whilst the twins are tiny! And he still assumes that it's fine for him to go out without giving me any notice, whereas if I want to go to a (very rare) social event it's an enormous hassle

I'm glad your parents are nearby and give you a hand, mine aren't which was another isolating factor. Do you think perhaps that your DH is relying on that a bit? That he's thinking oh well, you'll be fine anyway as your DM and DF will help out, the onus is off him to assist with the DC?

Definitely call TAMBA, they are really helpful, the call is free and they will do their best to help or refer you on. Even if you only need someone to vent to, they are there! And if you are on Facebook then 'Britain's Parents of Twins' is a great group

I hope you can start driving soon as that would help too, I'm assuming you can't move to somewhere less rural? But do check on your UC claim to make up your rent/ mortgage payments, as I imagine your DH hasn't really thought through how he'll pay for somewhere on his own (and the associated costs) plus continue paying towards the current home.

Obviously it would be great if your DH works through his issues, gets the help he needs and steps up to be a good dad. But if not - know that there is plenty of support out there for you!

A broken man? Struggling cheerfully to band practice...Planning his bachelor pad full of sleep and freedom...

I have zero fucking sympathy for this selfish man child who is bailing on you and his babies.

He is abandoning you all and there is no other way to look at it. I’m furious for you OP. He gets to piss off AND wring sympathy out of you!

MH issues don’t mean you bail. MH issues don’t stop you from fighting for what’s right. It’s an insult to suggest they do.

OP you deserve so much more - stop wasting energy pondering what his issue might be and start gathering it for you and your babies.

Sorry, it’s crap But your future is brighter by far without someone who can do this.