DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

@Bluntness100 No, I wasn’t aware he heard voices. He’d never mentioned it before. I knew he had MH issues (as do I) but not about the voices.

Look for a way to get treatment despite the waiting list, get himself properly diagnosed, get new medication that works, would be the correct moves.

Oh do please tell us how you do that?

I hope you are not serious asking me that.

When something is wrong, you do your best to fix, specially when my family and marriage is on the rocks

I am serious.

You said he needs to look for a way to get treated despite long waiting lists and to get himself properly diagnosed - I'm asking how?

Even your throwaway comment about medication makes it sound so simple when in reality it can take ages before drs will change medication because you have to give them a good go before they decide they aren't working.

But I'd love to know how you get treatment despite the long waiting lists.

Go to a private doctor for a second opinion?
Go to the gp and explain how it is not working and the effects on you and your family?
Go to a private therapist till you get approved?

There are situations where you can sit and wait.
This is not one of them

OP, this is all bollocks, you do know that don’t you?

There’s no way on god’s earth the council will house an employed single man in his 20s. He would only be able to claim LHA for a house share. If you both own then it would be even more difficult.

I don’t know where he’s cooked this plan up from but it’s bullshit. Even a two minute google would tell him, or you it’s bollocks.

And the op has already said that they are a very low income and that seeking private treatment is completely out of the question. That's not her husband making an excuse. That is the op describing their financial situation.

So, yes, if you've got money to throw at it then you may e have some more options. If you are on a low wage and don't have £200 or £300 per appointment plus the risk that you require in patient treatment which can be thousands then you are left with the NHS and it's long waiting lists and a GP who might have little idea of how to manage my conditions. It isn't as easy as you would like to portray it and it's not fair to assume this man is lying about his mental health just because he can't afford to spend hundreds if not thousands of pounds that they don't have on private treatment.

I'm going through pretty much the same at the moment.
I have bipolar disorder and lately I've been really bad with it. Home is stressing me out and so is my partner so I'm moving out to rent a friends flat until I'm stronger. Luckily the children are grown up and not living at home.
I stupidly took an overdose 2 weeks ago so I'm in a pretty fragile state. Partner is being amazing though and as the patience of a saint.

I've been down the private route before, that's how I was diagnosed to begin with. Luckily we had health care as part of my ex husbands job.
What I will say if he's hearing voices it's either psychosis or schizophrenia. He really needs to get help. Does your NHS where you live have a crisis team? That's your first port of call.
Is he on medication at all?

Then you borrow from family and friends, get a second job, get a loan, use credit cards....

Yes, it is a difficult situation. The longer it is left unattended and waiting for help, the worse it will become

Hithere2

Oh come on. There are people relying on food banks in this country. Do you think people like that have got friends and family in a position to loan thousands for private treatment? Or to be able to get a loan (which has to be paid back with interest) when you wages are low enough to need UC - where do you suggest? A pay day lender that charges 4000% interest? Same for a credit card.

As for a 2nd job - right. When he's suffered auditory hallucinations. He doesn't sound well enough to be doing 1 job, let alone 2.

I can't believe anyone can really be this unaware.

My chance of finding doctors that work on sliding scale?
Any universities that have psychology or medical students who offer free services in exchange of hours of practice?

If I was you, I would draw a line in the sand and say that if he moves out you will consider that the relationship is over. I remember reading that the vast majority of trial separations will become permanent. For myself, I wouldn’t want to be alone with my babies, hoping he will choose us and come home yet also resentful and angry he had left me to do all the shitwork. As someone with a history of mental health issues I would protect my own MH because he is either very unwell/selfish (or a mixture of both) and our children can at least depend on me.

If he wants to stay in the relationship, I would make it very clear he needs to be properly committed to accessing suitable support, getting into a good sleep and exercise routine and pulling his weight around the house.

Hithere2

Are you in the UK? Only that's really not how it works here.

Counsellors in training maybe do free or reduced rate sessions but that's not what this man needs is it? He needs psychiatric help is from a psychiatrist, not a counsellor.

That is why I said medical student =psychiatrist

A psychiatrist is a qualified Dr, not a medical student.

Training to be a psychiatrist happens once you've qualified as a Dr, done extensive work as a Dr and then chosen to specialise in psychiatry. They work with patients already in the system. They don't need to go out drumming up custom by offering to treat people for free. It's clear you don't really know what you're talking about here.

If he's going then get his keys and he can't drop in unannounced. If he comes to see the kids then I would hand them over and go out. Or ask him to bring them back by x, hand him the happy bag and cheerfully wave him off. If he wants to see you he can make a date and rake you out. Otherwise he is getting family life with none of the responsibility.

@Whatisthisfuckery Not bullshit. He’s been told he’s eligible to apply for the housing register. Obviously he isn’t a priory but he’s still entitled to apply. He can be classed as someone suffering from a relationship breakdown. We live in an area where there are a lot of available properties and the ones in less sought after areas often have few bidders. I know this from when we were on the register bidding for properties.

@Pixiedust74 I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time glad to hear your partner is being supportive. I hope things improve for you soon. Yes we have a local crisis team but it never occurred to me to use them to be honest. He says the voices are only occasional, usually people shouting at him when he’s trying to sleep. He’s currently on citalopram and beta blockers. He has a new GP appointment next week. I’m going to go with him. Fortunately our GP is really lovely and helpful. I’m going to try and push for a psychiatric referral for him.

Do you really think it's a good idea to hand 2 15 month old babies to a man that's hearing voices and is possibly having psychotic episodes and disappear off out?

Op, this is hard for all of you but I'm not sure kicking him out, offering ultimatums or leaving him alone with the children is a good idea until he's had a proper psychiatric evaluation and they've assessed what his needs are.

There's a very insightful post from Pixie dust above. She seems to be in a very similar situation.

@noneedtoberudedear

Definitely try the crisis team the one where I live is amazing.
I've had similar to your DH, in the summer I kept hearing voices then music in my ears, especially when I was trying to sleep. My doctor said it was psychosis. Luckily it's gone down a bit since then because of the lithium but it was so scary.
Your DH is probably so frightened now and don't know which way to turn. Him moving out is his way of saying I have to get through this on my own and not drag you into it.
They say people with mental health are selfish because we shut ourselves away but the real reason we are scared to let anyone in in fear of losing that person.

@noneedtoberudedear
If he's got mental health problems then he's a priority. You need to make sure the council know this. As you are seeing a new GP please stress that to them too. Try and get DH a CPN as this will help a great deal too.
Wishing you lots of luck and here if you want to chat x

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I’m not kicking him out or offering ultimatums. He’s the one who says he wants to leave.

Thank you @Pixiedust74 it’s actually the same GP we are seeing but this time I’m going to make sure she knows exactly what’s going on and the effects that it’s having.

noneedtoberudedear

Sorry op. My reply wasn't meant for you. It was aimed at the post immediately before yours telling you to get his keys back, tell him if he goes that's it and to then make sure you regularly leave him with the babies.

We cross posted. I know you aren't saying those things. I really feel for you. There are competing needs and no one seems to be helping either of you. I despair of mh services in this country.

So when you met he was ok, no sign of mh issues, now he thinks he might be autistic?? Right.

Look. He hasn’t engaged with cat. He’s half hearted about helping himself. He’s not bothering to exercise or look after himself by going to bed early etc.

He’s been awful - unhelpful, lazy, not stepping up or doing his share - for months.

Op, none of us can diagnose him. We certainly can’t fix him. Not can you. All you can do is look after yourself and your dc. He’s not going to step up.

It all sounds a bit bonkers - you’re 40 but in a low paid job and want to go to uni next year to train. You don’t drive yet you live in an isolated place. Wouldn’t it have been better to sort out finances before having ivf and babies?

Did h used to do his share of housework etc? Did he want dc?

Learn to drive, go back to work, learn to live without your h.

Do you think he is actually hearing voices or is he saying that to get sympathy?