DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

BTW - OP it's completely understandably that you feel pissed off with him. You can feel sympathetic AND pissed off at the same time. It's totally normal.

@Melanin5 ah I’m sorry, wrong end of stick.

@Whatisthisfuckery I do agree that he’s done very little to manage his mental health issues up until now. He didn’t engage with the CBT, he did none of the homework he was set. He’s refused to try and set better sleeping patterns, exercise, stop eating crap etc. Now after making little attempt he’s telling me he’s too mentally unwell to be my husband? It feels shit tbh.

I’ve already accessed help. My HV has helped us set up the counselling with Relate. I’m trying to save the situation. I just don’t know if DH is REALLY on board with it. He’s been snappy with me today and a big part of me just thinks how fucking dare you

Cbt didn't work because he didn't even try!

Where did primary help push came from? You asked him to? Him did it by himself?

Hard question: who wanted children? It was both of you equally?
This seems to be a case of missing his bachelor life where he was free of the responsibilities he has now as a father.

Dump his behind.

You and your child deserve better.

Come, not came

I miss the edit function

Absolutely, Methecoolone. It’s a cliche, I know, but it’s like telling a patient to stop ‘whinging’ about their broken leg and to get up and start walking. Ridiculous.

Oh dear - am sorry this is happening. I can empathise as despite not being a woman or a mum, I'm here on Mumsnet going through a similar thing. What you've written about your husband is what I could copy and paste about my wife.

Coping techniques are a massive factor here - that he recognises his issue in the moments where's he's lucid is key.

One coping strategy we have is that, and you may no have the luxury, we turned the spare room in to "her space". She can retreat to this room in times when she can't cope with things in life and is free to shut down and shut things out. Simple communication - door closed, she needs time, door ajar is come in and chat to me, door open is things are good.

Keeping a diary is good too - my other half has rage attacks and often can't remember what she has actually said in these moments where we argue (or more accurately a volley of abuse is sent my way - this weekend gone I was called "a piece of sh*t" three times).

And lastly, when he makes a promise to seek support, make sure he does it....like doing something for work. I have to sometimes ensure my wife does her stuff because she is unable, at times, to make simple decisions.

All the best and remember the single most important thing - you are not responsible for his actions or his inaction.

@Hithere2 He felt from the off that the CBT wouldn’t be helpful. Tbf I don’t think it’s the appropriate therapy for him either but he definitely didn’t really engage.

I wanted children BUT I made it clear to him that I accepted he was younger and therefore free to decline and walk away if it wasn’t what he wanted. I certainly don’t feel I ‘trapped’ him into parenthood!

The thing is his life was (by his own admission) shit before he met me. That’s what makes this whole situation even more confusing.

God @WillWallce1975 that sounds like a horrid situation you are in. You’re a better person than I. I’m nowhere near as kind to DH as you are to your partner.

I can see the logic in a safe space, but I would also worry it becomes a ‘retreat from your responsibilities’ space. Plus we don’t have a spare room so it’s not feasible from that perspective.

I hope things improve for you you sound so lovely.

I didn't mean to imply you trapped him at all.

May I ask how much younger than him? Nothing wrong with that. How old are you and how old is he?

As for cbt being not helpful: did he give it enough time to establish that? Did he discuss other options with the therapist?

I feel he is trying the bare minimum to appease you and stringing you along

I’m 40 and he’s 28. Significantly younger but we were convinced love conquers all (laughs bitterly)

He was only given six sessions. He is on the waiting list for psychotherapy as the CBT therapist apparently agreed with him that it hadn’t been very helpful. He’s been on the list for ages now though.

I don’t think he’s intentionally stringing me along, rather that he just struggles massively to make changes. I mean let’s face it...change is hard. I struggle to just not eat biscuits every day never mind overhaul my mental health.

How long have you been together?

In general, love can conquer it all if both partners have and work towards the same goals.

Re: change: isn't moving out of your family home a huge change?
How come he is able to make that decision and be happy about it?
Did he give you a timeline for him to come back?

You also said his life was a mess before you met him.
Do you see any similarities between his old life before you and the new one he wants to embark?

@Hithere2 We’ve been together five years and I’ve known him for seven.

I wouldn’t say he’s happy about it. More that he just doesn’t feel we have any other option. We can’t go on living like we are and he doesn’t think we can stop arguing.

He hasn’t given a timeline. He didn’t say if/when he’d be coming back but we haven’t really discussed it. I’m avoiding the issue a bit if I’m honest. I don’t want to get upset again.

Well his new life will certainly be lonely! Having said that both my previous partners sorted their shit out once they left me. I seem to be the woman that men won’t change for and then become a new person once they split!

When he leaves, don't forget to tie down all legal arrangements- child support, alimony if applies here, visitation, custody, etc.
Don't let him off the hook

@Hithere2 I’ve told him I’ll be expecting the same amount of child support that he would be asked to provide by CSA. He’s agreed, but I’m not actually sure he’ll be able to pay it in reality. We need to have another proper talk about it

Why not him talking to your lawyer, who will fight for your rights and the rights of your kids?

Whether he can or cannot make the child support amount asked by the law is his problem, not yours.
Your kids need that support, they deserve it, he is their father.

Why are you letting him take the lead and make the decisions in your relationship, the one with MH problems that are not under control? You must take charge of this situation today.
You can decide to separate and for him to live separately, instead of waiting for him

Op, are you saying that he wasn't like this when it was the two of you, and as soon as the children arrived he suddenly developed mental health problems and is now fucking off out of it?

Because that really does sound like he just doesn't like family life, it's all to hard for him, he regrets it, so he wants out. I'm sorry.

How old was he when started ivf? I does sound like he was very young at the time and maybe not mature enough to make that decision and understand what it entailed.

Hithere2

The child maintenance is likely not going to be much anyway is it? The op has said they are a low income family and claiming UC as well as DH wages.

How much CMS are they talking about? Op will be paying more in solicitor fees than the CMS is worth.

Is it going to help matters by pushing the man into a mental health crisis either? He'll end up losing his job and then what?

He can't have been much older than early to mid 20s when they started IVF and actually sounded quite vulnerable, why was his life so shit at such a young age?

@Hithere2 it’s not so much that I’m letting him take the lead, more that right now there is nowhere for him to go anyway. He’s waiting to be registered on the housing register and can’t afford to rent privately anyway!

It’s not lawyer time yet imo. There’s no spare cash for one and it would be an overly aggressive move on my part I think!

@Bluntness100 he’s always had MH issues but he says before the babies came along he could mask them better but now the mask is slipping. We had a fairly easy ride pre children. A rent free flat through my job, lived in a cosmopolitan place. All that had changed.

The twins are 15 months and our ivf was successful on the first attempt.

If you are letting him be in the house till he can find a place of his own the least he can do is be pleasant and try to get along
He is not even doing that

How long are you willing to wait for him to find his own place?
He can always find another source of income so he can move out faster. He can also couchsurf, move back in with his parents, etc., so many options he is not considering

You are in denial and dont see how bad this situation is (frog getting scalded but frog thinks water is only warm)

Thing is, even if he is genuinely suffering, the only person who can make him get better is himself. I too have been on every antipsychotic and mood stabiliser going, I have bipolar. The only time I ever made any progress was when I had too much to lose. Things were getting worse and I was in danger of losing my child and my partner.

OP your DH doesn’t seem to think losing you and the kids is enough to get him to sort his act out. He either thinks you’ll sit and wait for him or as I said in my last post, he’s checking out. Neither is fair on you. If he was really committed he’d work like hell to make changes and improve his life. There are courses he could do with Mind, depending on where you live there are probably places he could go where they’d work with him to improve his MH. He isn’t choosing to do any of these, instead he thinks he can rent a flat and live alone, while paying you maintenance for the kids.

Where does he think all this money is coming from? Does he even know how much rent will cost? Does he realise that he will have to pay 12% of his income towards raising his kids? Who is going to do his washing? Who is going to provide him with healthy meals if he can’t even feed himself properly with you to help him?

I think you both need an honest conversation. None of this adds up. If he really wants to fight for his marriage then checking out so he can play video games all day and night while not being nagged is not the way to go about it, and he’s being a selfish twat if he’s expecting you to keep the bed warm until he decides he wants to come back, if he decides he wants to come back. He’s being incredibly immature and self absorbed. If it was the other way around would he be happy for you to bugger off for an unspecified time while he raises the kids alone? Would he be prepaired to keep the bed warm for you? He’s either in or he’s out. You can’t just pick and choose when you have kids to look after. He either wants a wife and family, in which case he needs to pull his socks up, stop wallowing and find whatever help he can and engage with it, or he needs to be honest and not leave you hanging.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or do you own? Whose name is on the mortgage or tenancy?

If you are letting him be in the house till he can find a place of his own the least he can do is be pleasant and try to get along

The man sounds mentally unwell unless you consider hearing voices normal.and you think the least he can do is be pleasant and get along or better yet, get another job to boost his income?

I get he has always had MH issue and that he is finding that having twins is hard work (it is).
But then so do you! And you’ve had a pregnancy and birth to contend with too.

So whilst I’m sure a weight was lifted from his shoulders at the idea of moving out, I think you need to ensure that you are getting support too. And that means HE needs to step up with the twins have them on a regular basis so you can have a break too. He really ought to be able to cope with an afternoon or two each week (unless you are bfing??).
The big danger here for you is that he is going to disengage completely from family life ‘because he can’t cope’ and he will never get back into it.
That means whether you are back together or not.

No, I don't consider hearing voice in your head as normal.at.all.
I said it before, he needs to be proactive with his MH.
Look for a way to get treatment despite the waiting list, get himself properly diagnosed, get new medication that works, would be the correct moves.
He is milking it for all he can.
He wants to move but he can't- so much b.s.

OP, you know this is not good for you and the kids. Your dh adults up and looks for help today or he must leave. Your kids are your first priority, not your dh.

Op were you aware he had mental health issues? Hearing voices is quite a significant thing to be able to mask. I get he must have been early twenties or younger when you became involved with him. But hearing voices is often something people can mask from their significant other. And something most people would mention if deciding to procreate.