DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

' He’s been to the GP several times. He’s on ADs and beta blockers but they just aren’t working! He did a course of CBT as well, but it didn’t help. He says he feels like he has something more serious. Personality disorder, autism, he isn’t sure.'

There are always different meds they can try- if he's still struggling this much, he needs to go back so they can try something else or up the dose. If he's not going back then despite how it looks, he's not doing all he can.

If he said to them he thinks he has autism or a personality disorder, I think they would refer him to a consultant. You could go along to the GP to back him up. Describe how it's effecting your relationship and also if it's having a detrimental effect on the rest of his life- work, ability to parent, whatever. The more you can say it's having a negative impact on his daily life in any way, I think the more likely he is to get an assessment- that and if he explains how he's feeling. He/you can write what you want to say down if necessary.

He could also see a private consultant to save the wait. It's usually affordable if prioritised- he need only go a few times. A diagnosis of some kind from a private consultant can also make it easier to get the NHS to acknowledge the problem.

Either way- best wishes. Individual therapy might be helpful for you to help you cope with the situation, and decide how you want to move forward/feel (which isn't to say Relate mightn't be helpful, might be worth a go, but if he's saying he can't give you what you want at the moment, that kind of implies he's not willing to make much of an effort towards the relationship, and couples therapy.)

In general, it seems like you're giving a lot and not getting much back. Hugs xxxxx

@AtrociousCircumstance 'MH issues don’t mean you bail. MH issues don’t stop you from fighting for what’s right. It’s an insult to suggest they do.'

Unfortunately, mental health issues can effect someone in all sorts of ways. Which isn't to say any of this doesn't put a strain on, or is 'fair' on loved ones. The other partner has needs and feelings too, and can only take so much.

It is possible for the person to come out the other side, or improve, but every partner has their limit.

I agree, interested - however this man seems to get himself together and find himself capable when it’s things he wants - playing with his band, sorting out a nice new pad for himself - things seem to fit into place then.

I think that's unfair. Firstly, what nice new pad has he found? He's talking about moving out. He hasn't done it yet and he might not be able to do it.

Secondly, people with mental health problems aren't all catatonic, unable to function at any level. The assumptions that you are making are quite damaging I think to people with mh conditions - the " oh you can't be that bad if you're able to X,y and z" attitude.

Op seems to believe that he is genuinely unwell so I think that we should take that at face value. He clearly needs better help.from professionals, whether that help is available.is a different story.

I agree with Westside. Many responses here demonstrate the level of ignorance that many have over MH health issues. The OP has stated that he has tried a number of interventions which have been ineffective. The fact that some PPs have suffered their own MH is irrelevant. MH affects people in different ways. Such a binary approach of dismissing the DH’s perspective shows an inability to think in any analytical way. And inevitably the suggestion of an affair has been trotted out. This whole situation sounds difficult for the whole family and the DH is right to consider the negative impact of his presence on the family at this time. I truly hope that he is able to get the help that he needs for the sake of the whole family.

@Melanin5 I don’t disagree with you. But what do you think the OP should do?

I don’t think the OP should be emotionally blackmailed into sympathising with his desire to abandon his family because of MH issues.

I don’t think defending him should be the objective of this thread.

None of us - those posting here - know the level to which we have all dealt with MH issues in our lives - for ourselves and those close to us - so let’s not make assumptions about that/each other.

I think this thread should be about supporting the OP and not reinforcing her in subjugating herself to his behaviour in the name of mental health.

Magpie. There may be the option of the OP referring herself to the local authority ‘early help’ service or accessing further services via their health visitor.

AtrociousCircumstance

What do you suggest then? Ultimately, regardless of a mental health condition or not the op cannot force her husband to stay.living with her. If he wants to leave he can leave.

If he is unwell and gets the help that he needs him leaving might be averted. Isn't that a good outcome for the op?

Of course. I feel like we’re reading different threads.

I think the focus should be on OP protecting and supporting herself.

The problem is that manipulative people sometimes use MH to make people pander them, so when people are genuinely suffering they are unfairly doubted

So we have no choice but to explore the possibility of whether that is the case here, or if this a true mental health episode.

Absolutely agree with prawn

The trouble is also that “accessing early help” may be a great solution but it’s actually really difficult to do, and the patient would have to want this too. I’m not saying don’t try, just that often people say “get help” when it can be really bewildering and difficult to do.

Agree with @prawnsword and @AtrociousCircumstance - OP I think you should focus on how to protect yourself, as I said before while you can choose to support DH you can’t be responsible for fixing this for him, it’s just not fair.

How do you feel about it all today?

sorry he may have MH issues but can fuck off to band practice,.....I'm with teh toddler ego crap- if the meds arent working he needs to be pursuing support...back to go not just saying oh it maybe something more serious ......

my BF partner has done this most of their life together since DC .... she has stuck by him ... as was of the view MH issues should be supported ........the damage it has done to their children is massive....
1 is so tightly wound- the other is needing lots of support and extended anxiety
my friend is a shadow of herself and has had to have extended time off work... because of his MH issues......
so having watched/helped and supported this for over 20years I would urge you to get him to leave now....get homself sorted and tehn maybe consider any sort of relationship....

the fact that he will stay up all night play games and eat noodles or whatever, dump his emotional load on you then fuck off to band practice is selfish fucking individual......

@RubySlippers77 it must be so so hard without parents nearby to support you I don’t know how you do it. You’re clearly some woman! I’ll definitely give TAMBA a call and look into my UC entitlement. I suspect I might be better off going back to work at least part time though. Much as I loathe UC it definitely seems to leave you better off if you’re working to some degree.

@AtrociousCircumstance I can see where you’re coming from tbh. It has crossed my mind in my less charitable moments that DH can manage to organise band practice, attend open mike nights etc. but can’t be proactive in other areas of his life Having said that I want him to have an outlet as before he joined this band he did nothing save go to work and go home.

@Interestedwoman unfortunately we don’t have the money for a private consultation. We’re a low income household at present and the funds just aren’t there. He has made a new GP appointment though which I will be attending with him.

I do genuinely believe he has issues. I don’t think he’s making it up at all. However I am also furious with him as well as feeling sympathetic. It’s a very confusing mix of emotions.

@Magpiefeather I feel mainly angry today tbh. I took the twins out to toddler group for three hours and I’ve come back to the breakfast dishes still in the sink and him dozing on the couch. Given that it was also me who got up and gave them breakfast I don’t feel it’s a stretch to want the dishes washed by DH. This is the sort of low level annoyance I deal with on a daily basis. He’s still asleep on the couch and it just drives me insane. I don’t feel like he helps himself at all with the way he goes on. His argument is that he’s tired. My argument is that I’m also tired but when do I get to nap on the couch?

@averythinline your poor friends situation is exactly what I am desperate to avoid. Those poor children I cannot have my beautiful, happy, loving children damaged like that.

I agree with prawn and atrocious.

From OP's posts, dh is whining about his MH without looking does diagnosis or medical treatment that works while happily planning to move out and going to band practice

Looking for, not looking does

@Hithere2 he has been trying to access help but the medication/therapy he’s had so far isn’t working. The best I can say about his current ADs is that they keep him (relatively) calm. He’s almost unhinged if he misses them or runs out for a day or so.

I can see how it might look to people reading this though. I’m struggling not to think that way myself today.

It sounds like he’s being quite passive with the interventions he’s had so far tbh. Before anyone starts in on me I’d just like to say that I’ve had some awful MH issues throughout my life, and I too have been passive at times.

Thing is, he can go to work, he can go to band practice, he sits up until all hours playing playstation etc. It does sound like he can manage the things he wants to do just fine. And how does he think he’ll manage in his own place? When I was at my lowest I couldn’t manage to look after myself, let alone anybody else, and there was certainly no going out doing things for myself.

It sounds like he wants an out, to be brutally honest. It sounds like it’s the respossibility he wants to get away from, rather than saving the OP from having to put up with his behaviour.

Going to the GP and trying all the meds, doing CBT etc takes effort. Getting well when you have MH problems is hard work, and it sounds to me like he doesn’t want hard work, he just wants to be able to do what he wants without the guilt.

I’m sorry OP, but he’s checking out. If I were you I’d make sure he’s paying every single penny he should be to the kids, I’d get divorce papers served and make sure you get what you’re due from the marriage and he can look after his DC as if he were a divorced man.

MH problems are not an excuse to walk away from your responsibilities, especially when those responsibilities happen to be DC you have created. If it was the OP she wouldn’t be able to just pack up and leave, imagine the aprobrium she’d get for that.If this thread had the sexes reversed all the people who are saying ‘poor him’ would be telling the OP she needed to grow up and sort her shit out, but because it’s a man doing the bailing it’s all sympathy and sad faces. Mothers don’t get sympathy and sad faces, we have to woman up and make the effort.

OP,

It is good he looked for help in the past
You know it is not working, does he realize it too?

My main issue is: he is not looking for help NOW (in caps to highlight the timing, not screaming)
He is choosing to abandon you vs looking for real solutions

Yes, you are better off without him.

Magpie I was referring to the OP accessing ‘early help’ for her and the children, not the DH. It is part of Children’s Services. If he has made the decision to leave, she needs all the help she can get.

I’m still astounded at how people are thinking that the DH is making a rational choice to ‘abandon’ the OP. OP, you will know best about what your DH’s motivations are. Don’t be persuaded into thinking that his intentions are benevolent if you know that’s not the case. Right now, please look into the professional support that may be available for you and your family

*I meant malevolent

I've not read all the replies but am saddened at how awful some posters are being about a man with severe MH issues. Some people lack of understanding about MH issues is shocking. I'm assuming they think the OPs husband has hallucinations just for the fun of it. 🙄

OP, this is just a crap, crap, crap situation and I feel sorry for the both of you. I don't know what to advise. It's such a difficult situation. I don't think him moving out is a bad idea and I don't think it has to mean the end of your relationship. Is there any way you can get some family counselling.

Is there anyone you both know who could help you discuss how it would all pan out. It be good if you could try and have some framework to work around.

OP, your needs are obviously just as important. Do you know what you want?

IVF followed by looking after young twins is pretty brutal on the healthiest of families - you can't underestimate how tough it is in every respect.

You really need to try to make this more you and your husband against the MH issues rather than you and your husband 'against' each other. (Easier said that done). Presumably you both saw your relationship as healthy when you both pursued IVF - that wasn't that long ago.

Good luck OP.