DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

@prawnsword I’ve already said further upthread that I attended the GP with him on Wednesday and was there when he told her he has been hearing voices. She has referred him to the psychosis mental health team. We asked for a psychiatric referral but she said she would refer him to the psychosis team for it to be taken from there. What he said is all down in black and white in his medical records.

I’ve also said I am going to go and see a solicitor. I have no concerns that he would ask for custody...he wouldn’t want it! With regards to him seeing babies alone I will have to see what the solicitor says. I don’t feel like speculation is helpful at this point although I appreciate your efforts to help.

I believe him when he says he is hearing voices. At this point I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from me telling him he’s lying. It won’t improve the situation and will make things even more acrimonious.

I did ask him last night if he’s met someone else. He denies it but I’m not 100% convinced he’s telling the truth.

Yes but Disney dads still often want visitation. Especially twins, they will presumably get more attention. Am childfree & don’t fall for people who use their child for attention & to look good - it doesn’t work on me but even I might get sucked in by a pair of identical twins. They create conversation & are an interesting point of difference. He might not care about doing the grunt work of parenting but that doesn’t mean he won’t want to take them on his own ever. He may also develop a stronger bond as they get older. Not everyone is into babies & toddlers, but once they are talking/going to school etc & have more fully formed personalities they may be easier to parent & he may decide to step up. You don’t know & you can’t control the situation by deciding he won’t have them because they are your world & you can’t fathom the idea.

The reality is is he is leaving & you are going to have to give up being able to control this situation as much as you’re anticipating. Because he has no serious mental health record / history to back you up. I am concerned you may get a nasty shock after he moves out & you start to see things as they really are.

Not sure why you are getting hostile with me. If we are not here to speculate then why have this forum ? Is it just so people can tell you that you are right? Offering speculation may provide another angle that you’re not seeing. That is great you were there & are able to provide some proof about his mental condition to your solicitor.

I don’t mean to sound harsh... it’s just that you seem quite “head in the clouds” and living in a fantasy. So yes am speculating because what you describe doesn’t make sense to me & trying to offer a different opinion, but will step away from this thread as you clearly don’t want or need my help !

I think it benefits you for this to be a mental health issue why he is leaving. Because that hurts less than the alternative, which is that he wanted the single life again & that is more of a personal rejection.

He doesn't sound as though he really intends to engage with treatment for his MH issues. He makes the right noises and says the right things - his claims of hearing voices and needing help got him an emergency referral last week - but now MH services are chasing him this week but he doesn't ring back. doesn't sound keen to start treatment

I think his passivity is going to be a recurrent pattern - he manages to commit the time to things he really wants to do (band, xbox, finding a flat) whereas ignores the things he doesn't want to do.

I think you need to place firm boundaries on the continuing relationship for your own mental health. He seems to be envisaging his life and domestic comforts continuing while he gets to drift in and out doing the bits he likes. Personally I would not allow his visitation in my house and would demand a contact centre for visitation while he is still hearing voices and refusing to engage with MH services. If he thinks he will just come and go as he pleases it will be very disruptive to you and the kids. Is there a friend or relative that you trust to supervise safely?

@noneedtoberudedear I forgot to say, please go and see your bank as well to see if they can suggest anything to help. It may only be to get your finances sorted (if you have any joint accounts etc) but it would clarify things for them and restrict your DH's access to any joint money. They have plenty of experience in these things and were very helpful when I got divorced many years ago!

Apologies if anything I'm suggesting sounds very 'worst case scenario' but your DH has already pulled the rug out from under your feet once and it would be better to be prepared in case he tries again, in any area of your life. The info on www.gingerbread.org.uk/ has loads to help you with contact arrangements, child maintenance etc. There is a good section on help for you as well

@prawnsword I don’t mean to sound defensive and I do appreciate your help. I can see why you might think I sound in denial, but this whole situation is a lot to take in at once. It’s very hard to think of every eventuality all at once. I suppose because he’s never really taken the twins out by himself etc. I’ve just naively assumes that will continue. I do suspect that he envisages a situation where he just pops round here to see them whenever he wants. He only works ten minutes walk away from the house.

I’ve found a solicitor that offers a free initial consultation so will call them tomorrow and arrange an appointment.

I’m not just blaming his MH. I strongly suspect that he just can’t be arsed with full time family life as well. I’m also not 100% convinced he hasn’t got someone else in his sights. He denies it obviously but there’s quite a few signs that say otherwise. The rubbishing of our whole relationship for a start. When we were at Relate last week he didn’t have a good word to say about me. He’s also just spoken to me like crap this morning for absolutely no reason. It’s just an awful atmosphere to be in.

@RubySlippers77 God that is a depressing thought regarding the NOK. I’ll have to have a good think about that. Tbh I wouldn’t really want my parents having them either in an ideal world. My childhood was not always the best! Although they are wonderful grandparents. We have a joint back account and both DH wages and our UC goes into it. I’m going to speak to the back and see what they can do. All our DDs etc. go out of that account. I have no idea how to go about separating the joint money. I suppose he will argue that the wages are ‘his’ but the UC definitely isn’t!

@Lunde I pretty about the fact he’s not picked the phone up even though they’ve clearly rang him several times. It’s just infuriating. I don’t know how much to say to him about it though? Frankly his MH isn’t mine to sort, but as it impacts my children I feel like it is.

He wants to be babied and real babies are getting in his way. He has an obligation to provide for his children, so get that direct debit set up right away from his account to yours. Go together and close down any joint accounts or he could easily siphon money away from his children.

Make regular times for him to see the children and don't have him dropping by as if it were still his home, or he'll be turning up at mealtimes expecting to be fed, helping himself from your fridge and bring his washing for you to do!

@NearlyGranny I don’t do his washing now so not much chance once he moves out

I’ll get bank accounts sorted ASAP. It’s all the direct debits that are going to be a pita. I’m going to have to change them all over from the joint account.

NOK is a really depressing thing to consider @noneedtoberudedear but unfortunately probably better to do it for your peace of mind glad you've found a solicitor for the initial consultation, hopefully that will clarify things for you.

It sounds like your DH is one of those men who likes the idea of kids a lot more than the reality of kids when they are there 24/7 and require constant care, attention, consideration etc. (I say men but obviously could be women too, but it's generally a lot easier for men to walk away if/ when things get tough!)

I'm actually looking up HA properties myself at the moment as we had an enormous row earlier; DP had been drinking, couldn't/ wouldn't let things go and kept bellowing at me in front of the DC, who were of course very distressed. I've finally got them off to sleep now and am shut up in their bedroom listening to him crash around downstairs. No idea what he's doing but it sounds like there's lots of bin bags involved - wonder if he's putting all 'my' stuff out ready for me to go

Oh God @RubySlippers77 that’s awful. Are you safe? I’m so sorry he’s being such a shit. There’s nothing more awful than a drunk unreasonable man.
Hopefully he’s packing his own bags and will piss off

I'm just holed up in the bedroom really @noneedtoberudedear (and sorry to hijack your thread!) - just hope the DC stay asleep as some of the crashes are incredibly loud. I think he is hoping for a reaction from me and hence another argument to justify whatever it is he's doing. I'm going to stay here though x

And tomorrow I'll contact whoever I need to - Women's Aid/ council/ GP - because I don't think I can stay here. Sadly it's his house and he won't go so it'll have to be me. The car is in the garage first thing which is awkward but better to get it repaired I guess in case we have to go in a hurry...

Definitely stay where you are. If he’s looking for a reaction then don’t give it to him.
I’m so sorry. How awful for you and your D.C. I hope you are all OK. Please keep me updated with how you get on. No worries about hi jacking thread. It was getting a bit repetitive anyway!

Thank you @noneedtoberudedear xx

He's now hoovering, still crashing around, and (I would guess) still drinking

My best guess is that he's bundling up all mine and the DC's stuff as he shouted earlier "why don't you just tell them I'm violent and they'll rehome you!!" Whilst failing to see that ironically he was bellowing his head off and swearing at me and the DC, which is a situation Women's Aid would get involved in...

I don't know, I wanted to go to sleep early but my stomach is just in knots. Obviously there's not much I can/ will do on a Sunday night with the DC asleep in bed unless he takes things further, but tomorrow I will find out what's happening.

Checked on social housing round here though and there really isn't a lot! Don't know what we might get offered in the meantime but I suppose it depends whether we are actually homeless?

'D'P has finished crashing around downstairs and is in bed. He's thrown a few things around in the bedroom too but everything seems quiet now... I've been reading about refuges/ housing/ UC, now going to read my book for a bit then try to get some sleep.

@noneedtoberudedear has your DH already packed his stuff?! Funny how he can be organised enough to sort out his own place but not to answer his phone to the MH team!!

Came downstairs to find that DP has thrown everything child or 'clutter' related into their little toyroom. We can't get in it now as he's thrown their old cots in there - literally thrown - they are in the middle of the floor. I was going to give them to charity, they were downstairs waiting to be packed up.

He's also crammed loads of toys and Christmas stuff into binbags and put it outside. Essentially anything he didn't want - including things like their little easel and my slippers - he's binned. (Well I'm going to try to rescue them, but he obviously wants them out of the house).

Not much I can do till the car's in the garage later this morning, but then I will look into my options. I broached the subject of moving out with DTS1 as he was up first, but he got really upset - "why we have to move? This is our house!" so I've left it for now. Both of them remember how cross Daddy was last night though

Oh @RubySlippers77 I’m so so sorry. What an absolute bastard. Has he got form for this or is it out of character? Are you married?
Are you going to try and speak to Woman’s Aid today for some advice? Taking his anger out on you is one thing but taking it out on the children is another level. Is he at work today?

He is at work @noneedtoberudedear but I haven't had chance to do anything except sort out the car and then collect DTS2 from school! I'm just lost - he's been sending me messages about his time off over Christmas as we were going to plan some family activities - but then when I had to call him to ask where my bag was (as obviously I'd need my purse to pay the garage!) he was horrible all over again. I have no idea if he wants us here or not; for now we are making as little mess as possible, no cooking, no toys out (not that we can get to any!) and tidying up their bedroom so we can all have an early night.

It has struck me though that honestly if you might split up with your DH, I think it would be easier to do it whilst the DTs are very little and don't understand what's happening. Mine were sad as can be when I explained that this is Daddy's house, not Mummy's, and if Daddy wants us to go then we'll have to go

Been lurking in the DC's bedroom this evening. DP called me down to sort out the printer as he'd managed to bugger up the settings. Took the opportunity to berate me about something else..... grey rock.

Any update from your DH @noneedtoberudedear? It is truly awful living with someone that doesn't want you to be there, I can imagine it is also awful living with someone who's made it clear that he wants to go

Oh I could have written your post (without the twins). Very similar situation here down to the query of autism / personality disorder. Unfortunately, a stressful situation last year magnified everything so erratic, unstable behaviour has increased tenfold and I barely recognise him. The mental health issues were always there but largely under control. The stressful situation just put a magnifying glass on top of them and he has been referred to the mental health team. Not sure what good will come of it though as he refuses ADs and previous therapy hasn’t ‘worked’.

I don’t know what to say because I know it is truly awful living through this. You have my complete empathy. I am glad you have family around you. Wishing you strength and peace.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time too @Apple222 - any news on how long it might be till the MH team are in touch? Does your DP refuse to do anything at all which might help?

I think my DP genuinely doesn't understand why I have withdrawn from him and am keeping quiet now - in his mind he's had a good shout, he's made his point by throwing lots of things around and making us miserable and scared, therefore we'll now do what he says and life will be fine. I've tried to explain before that we need to talk about things but he won't, then will get to the point where he explodes in a rage. Ironically he's told me many times how much he hates bullies, but doesn't seem to see that he is bullying everyone else into obeying him

Ruby, your DP sounds emotionally incompetent to me. That's a comment, not a diagnosis, you understand. It's as if he doesn't really get how interpersonal relationships work, or what an intimate relationship with another human being actually is.

As for handling his own feelings, it would appear he doesn't have a clue! He didn't get the instruction manual, did he?

It might help you to read a book called 'Why Does He Do That?' by an American rejoicing in the name of Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has spent decades working with male perpetrators of DV and his insights are stunning.

I highly recommend reading this, not so you grow to understand your DP but so you can evaluate your relationship and decide what is best for you and your DC.

Your DP sounds as if he could use a lot of help, but that's his responsibility, not yours. Bottom line: you are not the cause of his problems; you cannot fix his problems; you are not obliged to attempt to fix his problems for him.

I hope life improves for you and your DC when you put their needs and yours above those of your angry, chaotic DP.

@RubySlippers77 Thank you for your kind thoughts. The MH team have offered an initial appointment but obviously there will be a longer wait for therapy or any treatment 😞. It all depends on him though...nothing will work if he doesn’t engage. There is part of him that knows something is wrong and he knows he is depressed but there is another part that is in denial (and it is other people that are to blame for his unhappiness). In the past he has been offered antidepressant drugs but doesn’t take them...so does he do enough to help himself? No, not really. Things will have to reach rock bottom first I think. He actually needs to lose everything.

Your DH sounds as though he has control issues and to be honest I think feeling out of control explains a lot in both of our situations. A lot of what they are doing is trying to put themselves back in control because they feel powerless, hence the bullying tactics, the threats... However, while I understand it and can explain it, there is no excuse for it.

My heart goes out to you. It really does.

Thank you so much for your kind words and helpful suggestions @NearlyGranny 

@Apple222, I completely agree that it's about control... my DP is a bit bemused that I haven't said anything about his new draconian house rules but really what would be the point?! I don't want an enormous sulk and temper tantrum from him again, I'm already walking on eggshells. It reminds me of an awful house share I used to be in; I use the 'shared facilities' as little as possible, try not to leave anything of mine out, and generally just spend time in mine (the DC's!) room. Do you think maybe your DP refuses to engage with the help he's offered and/ or take medication for fear of losing control - he feels like he should be able to sort everything out by himself?

@RubySlippers77 I feel your pain. Things are better as long as I don’t do anything to upset the applecart....if I say the wrong thing, give the wrong kind of look, whatever, then all hell breaks loose and everything becomes my fault. So yes, you are right, you tread on eggshells for a while but you can’t sustain it forever because you have feelings and emotions too that you are having to keep a lid on. No-one can do that forever.

Yes, I think my DH feels that he should be able to manage by himself. He is fearful of exploring his (many) psychological issues which stem back to childhood although they are now wrecking his life so if he doesn’t address them they will continue to cause damage. There is a lot of avoidance going on but things have got to a point now of such serious damage he either has to act or watch his life disappear down the drain (it is disappearing quite quickly anyway).

The question is can you or I stay around and observe this happening? I do have every sympathy for anyone experiencing mental distress but when it impacts directly on me in such a destructive way then looking after myself first and foremost becomes the priority. I am going to need help to disentangle myself from this mess though. You sound as though you could use some support too. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Just to add that they may somewhat enjoying the 'special privileges' of their mental health and it's hard for people to give that up when they have used it to exert control, have their needs constantly put first and have people worried about challenging them. DH has BPD and I have made engagement in medication a requirement of our marriage because he would quite happily not manage it and allow his awful moods to control the house. It meant he always got his own way and could act appallingly but say oh well it's my MH, sorry buts it's my condition. I found that when I laid down the law he suddenly found himself able to engage in medication. Funny that.