DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

I thought DBT not meds was primary treatment of BPD ? Meds do help some symptoms like depression & anxiety, but only DBT can help with reshaping ones personality & behaviours

Also this thread is becoming super confusing, maybe some people want to make their own threads?

DBT is recommended as well as medication for long term behavioural change but waiting lists are crazy and it was do or die in our marriage. DH takes medication to manage mood, sleep and anxiety, and it has made a massive difference.

FWIW when we went through this me expecting him to notice things that needed to be done was a ludicrous expectation on my part. What did work was asking him what he thought he could commit to doing every day. Even if it's one thing like empty the bins. He chose the thing and I did everything else with no expectation of any other help. If you're going to be single this is the road ahead anyway. What happened was he did actually start doing the one thing he chose (emptying the nappy bin) and then we built on it from there but he was the one to say what he could handle and commit to. It took away the resentment for me. I started to appreciate that at least he had done that one thing and thanked him for it. It started a new positive loop of interaction. People with severe mental health issues aren't going to notice what needs to be done or be capable of doing it. But small steps can be taken.

@blackcat86 Agree with you 100% regarding ‘special privileges’ and mental health being used to exert control. Totally.