DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

I echo what @Pixiedust74 says about the crisis team. Contact them, as a matter of urgency. In my experience, I was seen the next day & spoke with a mental health nurse & a psychiatrist. My crisis team also has beds for those in acute need. But it is a good way of accessing the MH team quickly. If it is during the day, he can also go to A&E - there are duty psychiatrists who can see patients in crisis. Meds could be discussed immediately. Then he would also be under a team who might be able to expedite assessment & subsequent therapy.

My heart goes out to you. I'm a single mum with MH problems, but I have always engaged with my GPs & MH teams. My DS is now 21, so he is able to understand when I'm a bit low. I cannot imagine being on your side of things, with your own MH issues. I really sympathise with everyone with MH difficulties, but you seem to be in an impossible situation.

@QueenOfOversharing I’m sorry to hear of your issues I’ve just asked him about Crisis team but he says he’s always felt like he’s been discouraged from calling them in the past by nurses ect. He’s also said he often wishes they would come and take him away! I’ve told him I really think he should call tomorrow.

@worriedmumtoteen No I don’t think he’s saying it to get sympathy. He was 100% convincing when he told me.

@noneedtoberudedear don't listen to anyone saying anything like that. They're a specialist service for ppl in crisis. He also needs to not put hurdles in front of being proactive. But that might need your help. Good luck!!

@noneedtoberudedear
I totally understand where he is coming from. Sadly a bad experience with nurses etc put me off for a long time. Luckily since I moved the NHS trust here is good but extremely understaffed and under funded.
Does he think if he was hospitalised this would help? I did volunteer years ago to do this and it helped to a degree but then I didn't want to leave as I was in this little protective bubble.
There should be beds at a unit so if he feels this would help rather than moving out maybe that could work.

@Pixiedust74 can you volunteer to be hospitalised? I assumed he wouldn’t be considered ‘ill’ enough given that he holds down a job, hobby etc.

He says the voices are only occasional, usually people shouting at him when he’s trying to sleep. - that's not psychosis, it's hypnogogia. Loads of people get it :) there's a thread on it now knocking about.

You can also hear voices with a personality disorder, I think.

This will reassure you, OP hypnogogia

@noneedtoberudedear
I volunteered rather than be sectioned, but if his life is in danger or he harms himself then yes they will take him in.
Speak to Crisis ASAP and ask them if he can be admitted x

@Supersimkin2 Thank you for the link

He says the voices shout at him though and the last time he heard them they shouted at him to die. I can’t help but be concerned. I really don’t think it’s normal (whatever normal is)

@Pixiedust74 He says he’s said before that he sometimes feels suicidal or like self harming (he used to self harm) but because he also says he realises he can’t do those things he thinks he isn’t taken seriously.

Yes, they probably do. Talk to the GP, ask for a referral to CMHT. No one can diagnose him (inc him) except a doc.

So you've got twins, you're both exhausted, fighting and upsetting the DC. DH is saying he is depressed and wants to leave.

Can you ask your parents to take DC for a week and have a break? Tell them there's a risk of a crisis. You need sleep and clarity. No one here is making anything better right now. Someone has to. The solutions are several - there is not a lone option of DP leaving.

For my money, if DP leaves, he won't come back. He's 28 and the only thing he enjoys is band practice. It's easy (too easy) for him to say he can't cope. He can still get the benefits of fatherhood with none of the responsibilities. Whether that makes him happier or not, who knows - but it will be too late once he goes.

And you need to work on yourself, too - honestly, I would push for the solution to all this that works for you best, because you'll be dumped with the DC regardless. Anything that makes you less angry is good.

Can you ask your parents to take DC for a week and have a break? Tell them there's a risk of a crisis. You need sleep and clarity

That's a good suggestion. Even if a week isn't possible a few days might still help.

@Supersimkin2 @MeTheCoolOne My parents are 70 and just one night with the D.C. exhausts them. It wouldn’t be fair to ask. I’m desperate to get them back after just one night as well tbh.

I don’t think he’ll come back either if he leaves. Having said that I feel like packing his bags myself given he’s still been snappy and short tempered with me. Then he keeps asking me if I’m OK What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

He also came to bed after 2am despite the fact he’s on a 12 hour shift today. I just absolutely despair! I have my solo Relate counselling session this afternoon. Praying I can get a bit of clarity there.

if he can get rehoused then that should be prioritised as well....
If he is that unwell (although he has not actaully engaged before) he needs to focus on getting well

and for you to focus on the twins, hopefully with help from your parents.... do you have homestart in your area? they can be amazing and often help parents with twins...

Look up co-dependency, sounds like you 'rescued' him from his shit life before and now you haven't the capacity to support him because of the DC - which is completely normal btw ..he cant cope with the lack of attention/support

If you really think back over your relationship pre-dc I would bet you have provided a lot of emotional support and sructure etc etc etc and that possibly may be why he didnt have to engage in anything properly .....
your comment on being teh one that 'sorts' out and tehn they are fine after the break up is quite telling...... you probably over care/mother/support ... but when you break up they have to sort themselves up...

but now you have real children to mother - your parent instincts are kicking in and you dont need to be mothering an adult.... I hope you can get some help and support for yourself and the DC ....

@averythinline Unfortunately there’s no Homestart in our area. I’ve already looked into it

The odd thing is he was 110% supportive while we were going through infertility (there was both female and male factors) it’s made his behaviour now even more of a shock.

I definitely agree he doesn’t like being number one. He denies it and says the babies should naturally come first. However I’ve been accused of being obsessed with them in more than one argument. I feel like he doesn’t get that my priorities have shifted but that’s only natural and it won’t be forever. He’s acting like the last year will be an indicator of all the years to come. I honestly just find it such a childish attitude and I think it’s an issue apart from his MH problems.

Look if someone is hearing voices there is no way their treatment plan would be Citalopram @ CBT. He would be on antipsychotics like Seroquel (quietiapine) or something like that.

I have bipolar type 2 & find it really hard to believe you have been with this person long enough that if they were hearing voices & had a psychotic disorder you would know about it. You must go for full custody, he is either lying or is seriously unwell & not medicated correctly and as such is not well enough to look after children.

@prawnsword He hasn’t told the GP about the voices, hence not getting the correct treatment plan. He says he spoke to someone about it years ago but wasn’t really taken seriously so never dared try again. He’s not an assertive person so I can actually believe that.

I’m worried about leaving him with the babies as well. Obviously he says he’d never hurt them, but how can I really know that?

Ok love this guy sounds like he is lying. People who hear voices don’t just merrily ignore this & able to function in society & not tell the doctors. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but actually laughed out loud at this, it sounds ridiculous. If you hear voices either you will start deteriorating & people will see something is not right, or once you’re at the doctor you are so bloody scared you tell them. You don’t just decide to keep it secret & get treatment plan more akin for depression instead.

No he claims he hears voices so he is no longer allowed to look after the children because he could have schizophrenia or schitZo type disorder & is untreated. He needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist. Make sure you have him on text or email admitting to these voices.

You cannot in good conscious allow your children alone with this person right now. Not when they claim they “hear voices”. Take this admission seriously, I bet he won’t want to get his voices treated because they aren’t real. He will be stuck in his lie.

Also what medical professional would not take “I hear voices” seriously ?

100% bull

That doesn’t happen. They would escalate to a psych or give you different meds...

It would not be taken lightly. Can you imagine, all the sniffles, coughs & hemarroids a GP sees on the daily & someone comes in saying “I hear voices” and they do nothing ? Come off it

@prawnsword I think he said he mentioned it on the phone to the hospital while trying to set up some therapy but he wasn’t really taken seriously? To be fair it was about six years ago and he was only 22 at the time. It’s possible he might not have described it properly?

He feels that because he always says he isn’t going to kill himself etc. that nobody takes him seriously. I am hopeful we will be able to get better support when I go back to the GP with him next week.

What part of “I hear voices” is hard to describe? I think you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt but his medical records won’t lie.

I suspect his “voices” are just his unpleasant thoughts. The voices are telling him he wants to move out, type thing. They’re just his unpleasant thoughts.

...and that’s why he flagged narcissism as his personality disorder of choice - because narcissists lack empathy, selfish & will hurt others to do what they want. He is setting this all up to leave & make it about his mental health problems. You need to focus on yourself & your kids because this guy is a flake & you can’t rely on him. He is being untruthful & deceitful imho

But he says he DID say he heard voices and wasn’t really to. He was very young at the time and very unassertive. It’s really not helpful to be trying to tell me he’s lying. We are going back to the GP next week. If he IS lying then I’m sure he will get caught out at some point.

That’s not to say I’m excusing a lot of his behaviour. Voices, MH issues or not he has and is behaving in a shitty manner towards me.

I’ll admit I was very when he said narcissist. It’s not what I would have labelled him as at all. He also described himself as a jumped up little prick which I currently can’t disagree with!

What do the voices say ? I’m confused did he stop hearing them for a time or has he always had this ? How do they sound to him? Does he experience any visual hallucinations or just auditory disturbances ? Does he have any history with mental health disorders in his family that he knows of ? What about naricissism flags to him ? What is he hoping to get out of treatment ?