What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Sounds like youve put the hours in then,have you had many false starts,and if so why dont they usually/ever work out ?
Are you just really fussy,or looking for a specific person ?
It`s a total minefield,but a decade does seem excessive.

Stop looking..if its meant to happen it will when your least expecting it.

Sounds like youve put the hours in then,have you had many false starts,and if so why dont they usually/ever work out ?

Yes, many false starts. Generally with emotionally-unavailable fuckwits. The therapy was meant to help with this.

Are you just really fussy,or looking for a specific person ?

Fairly fussy? But not ridiculously so, I don't think. I mean there are a lot of men out there who are reasonably well-educated, kind, gsoh, etc.

Stop looking..if its meant to happen it will when your least expecting it.

Oh ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I haven't been expecting it since about 2012.

(Sorry if that seems snarky, but it's hardly the most original advice...)

I completely understand this. Over a period of around 10 years I invested a lot of effort into finding a partner.

I had plenty of dates but no lasting relationship from it.

After an upsetting ghosting experience by a guy who had seemed really promising I recognised that actually my life is generally a very happy, fun, sociable one anyway and that being in a relationship jeopardised that as I don’t seem to find good relationships.

It’s been refreshing to have a few years off thinking about it.

This is not necessarily the answer but I had a baby on my own and this took the pressure off me finding a partner and now it would be complicated and risky to introduce someone into my life now that it could impact DD as well.

Stop looking..if its meant to happen it will when your least expecting

Well meaning but total clichéd bollocks. If you want a new house or a new job, you don't stop looking and hope either will turn up when you stop looking.

I was like the OP. Did all the advice for years. Nothing. So got off the dating sites and stopped looking. Guess what? Still single.

OP, I hear you. It's fucking shit. I'm coming up to 10 years single. Haven't had a date in 8. I have a friend who was like us, and has also done the stopped looking. She's been single 11 years aside from a handful of first dates and three three-month things (one was a player, one was married, one made no time for her).

So I have no advice. Just solidarity.

Personally I would do these things:

1. Hobbies/courses that involve doing things in groups so I got to know a range of people over time, no pressure
2. Work on me on inside - self-development/counselling
3. Work on me on outside - get fit, makeover/haircut/good suggestions on styleguide

I feel the same as you OP. I have had some flings but mostly single for 4/5 years . I have tried speed dating , online dating , gym, going out , work ... you name it .I just feel undateable.

I’d be interested to know more though about your situation I.e are you meeting people you like but not reciprocated or meeting no one etc.

Sorry styleguide = mumsnet style/beauty boards

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
It sounds counter intuitive but maybe just take some time for yourself, do things that you want, and enjoy being able to do whatever you like whenever you like for a while. I was in the same position as you 2 years ago and had no idea why I couldn't find anyone so basically just gave up (and yes I also had a cat) then my DH came out of nowhere.

Personally I would do these things:

1. Hobbies/courses that involve doing things in groups so I got to know a range of people over time, no pressure
2. Work on me on inside - self-development/counselling
3. Work on me on outside - get fit, makeover/haircut/good suggestions on styleguid

Again, sorry to be snarky but did you actually read my OP?

I have umpteen hobbies, I did many years of therapy, I don't need to lose weight, I had my hair cut by the fucking style director at Toni and Guy. Oddly, that didn't have men falling at my feet.

I’d be interested to know more though about your situation I.e are you meeting people you like but not reciprocated or meeting no one etc.

Generally not meeting anyone. There has been the very occasional person, but no mutual interest.

I'm mid-forties.

Thank you for the solidarity (which, thus far, has been rather more helpful than the "advice").

And yes if you do want a family it's totally possible to have one by yourself (though you would need to do a bit of financial planning first).
No disturbance from anyone else, your own family and your own cats. Sounds pretty good when you think about it. I love my DH to bits and would never be without him but it does sound like a good set up.

Bloody hell Una, I often find myself asking the same question but I haven't made half as much effort as you! You must be exhausted with it all...

I'm taking some time out from dating apps...if I'm sick of seeing the same old faces on there, I'm sure they must be sick of mine.

I do have a lovely FWB though, which helps

OP I'm afraid you won't get any. Have seen it too many times in MN. You'll find most of the "advice" will be repeating the same nonsense as already seen or "being single is great, enjoy it". All usually from those who are coupled.

A well meaning friend once did the "but single is great, I loved being single?" Do I asked why they got married and when they were getting divorced if single was so great. They went silent for a long while then apologised for talking unthinking shit.

Unfortunately the fact is it's all LUCK. As we ourselves have proved. You can try and meet people - nothing. You can not try to meet people - nothing. Others will get dates all the time, marry the first online date they meet, meet someone after being single for 15 years. But it is all luck. Unfortunately those who aren't in our situation sloftrn just don't get it because they've not been there.

Another piece of well meaning advice I get from people is that there are lots of lovely people out there. Yes, I know that. But if I like someone, here’s the thing... they have to like me back. I see/meet plenty of people I think are great, but if they’re not feeling it, that’s that!

This is not necessarily the answer but I had a baby on my own and this took the pressure off me finding a partner...

Not an option for me for several reasons, unfortunately.

Not sure where in the country you are but if you are mid 40's there's tons of men looking for someone in that age group. I've only been old for 3 months and its me turning them down. I've had 3 men want serious relationships so far (I'm not ready yet). Tinder and bumble have been more fruitful than paid sites due to quantity (I'm not in London) look at your profile and try just to go with a reasonably fun image, stop thinking about long term and stick to dating and having a good time.

I do have a lovely FWB though, which helps

See my other thread, entitled "Greasy Hair"... [hmmm]

A well meaning friend once did the "but single is great, I loved being single?" Do I asked why they got married and when they were getting divorced if single was so great. They went silent for a long while then apologised for talking unthinking shit.

At least the penny dropped, I suppose.

Jeez OP people are just trying to give you well meaning advice and you seem a bit snappy!

What is the deal with cats putting off men btw? I totally don't get it. Cats are amazing company, affectionate, a lot less work and maintenance than dogs and quite frankly better than humans most of the time. You never hear people saying old dog lady or old hamster lady, why old cat lady?!

whatwillbe Well meaning but pretty thoughtless if you actually consider it. One person suggests doing things the OP has already done it suggesting they "work on me on inside" which really suggests, if you think about it, there's something wrong with those of us who can't find a partner. We need to change ourselves to find someone. Not good advice at all.

And yes if you do want a family it's totally possible to have one by yourself (though you would need to do a bit of financial planning first).

Not very possible if you're infertile as well as single.

I love my DH to bits and would never be without him but it does sound like a good set up.

Seriously??

If you're mid forties and have put this much effort in, can you ask your friends why decent men would not go for you. I say this because I have a ditzy 50+ relative who constantly wants a man but has no idea how unattractive she is to men in the age range that would suit her. She has food issues and her home is very cold and unwelcoming, no food in fridge ever etc. She thinks that the ditzy chaos she exuded at 17 is still charming and of course it isn't. She also sits in the pub with groups of women bemoaning their collective lack of men but they are a group too terrifying for any man to approach.

(I'm not saying you're like this, but there might be reasons you haven't thought of that make you less attractive. Personally I think my relative is probably happier with her female friends anyway).

Jeez OP people are just trying to give you well meaning advice and you seem a bit snappy!

I'm sorry - I know I'm being snappy (I'm very frustrated by my situation), but the advice has been a bit hackneyed, wouldn't you say?