What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Op, what are the things previous possible dates have done that have made you think “this one is not for me”?

Gosh, that's hard to pin down. No spark, been boring, been a bit creepy/weird... Difficult to say!

So, in retrospect,have there been people over the last decade that you look back at now and have regrets about letting go or not pursuing more ?
Surely it cant just be that theyve all been fuckwits,as funny as that might sound.

Not sure how true it is but i read once london is hard to date in because people are too busy or some such shit. Are you willing to look further afield? I think pof has the option of how many miles away your willing to look.

I think you need to define that first. Can you explore that a bit more? Could it be that you’re making a judgement about potentials very early on? Are all the people you’re rejecting, getting to first dates, or is it before that point that they get bumped?

@ShatnersWig aren't you a delight!

I actually found being in London harder when dating as it is SO big and felt like quite a transient place. I'm originally from a large town/small city which felt more manageable but then I guess in London there is never the worry of bumping into people like you might in a large town!

Most men are looking for kindness, compassion, understanding and fun.

I have all of those qualities.

I have no idea what you're like in real life but if you are like you come across on the thread with swear words in title etc that could be why.

Crikey, I didn't realise men were put off by swearing! Anyway, for context, I'm just venting.

Op, what are the things previous possible dates have done that have made you think “this one is not for me”? Oh @Ketomeato can you please please tell me too. Shall I list

• late for first date. Says in my profile I don't like tardiness or liquorice :)

• slagging off their exs. This is the most common turn off for me. I hate my own ex but would never mention to a stranger!

• would I want to shag him? No. Although to be fair. When they've been handsome and fun I have tried another date or two. But when the chemistry ain't there it's just ain't there.

• doesn't see his kids. Normally I find this one out before the first meet, but some slip through. Tell me what kind of man he is. But of course it's always the ex's fault 🙄

I overlook boasting and bragging, they may be nervous. I'm never nervous, most times I know within a that first few seconds. It's the "it's not you, it's me text" afterwards I hate most about OlD.

So, in retrospect,have there been people over the last decade that you look back at now and have regrets about letting go or not pursuing more ? Surely it cant just be that theyve all been fuckwits, as funny as that might sound.

No, absolutely not. A couple of decent guys who unfortunately, although I liked them, just didn't do it for me romantically, and a fuck-ton of utter shits.

Sex dating?

It certainly means you meet a lot of men, if your standards are reasonably low (cant be lower than mine were).

I've enjoyed it. I had a tonne of sex, most of which was significantly better than with any actual partner I've had, which was about changes in me. I found it quite relaxing to just meet men and have sex with them without worrying about them as long term propositions, would my sister like them etc. It's shaken loose some assumptions I had. Even if it's just me using them before they can use me.

To be fair I have stopped for the moment, wouldnt want to go on forever.

You seem a bit of a dick. Maybe that's why?

Try to be less snarky, people are only helping!

ImBlue ODFOD

Going to bed now, but people's comments have been helpful and thought-provoking, so thank you.

Sisterhoodofkhan I was asking because sometimes it can be that a hard and fast rule which may make sense to you, might actually be quite restrictive. Of course it’s entirely up to you what lenses you use to look at people.

Just met a friend for drinks, mid thirties now but had no decent relationship for 10 years. Attractive, intelligent, own flat, good job, many interests, a lot to offer. Tried OLD met a few fuckwits, secretly married, only interested in sex not a relationship (fine but not what she was looking for). She wanted to met up to update me about her new BF a bit younger than her, good job, attractive, sounds a decent guy. Met through a hobby group, he’s not local but is transferring with his job to be nearer to her after 6 months of them travelling back and forwards to see each other.
She is really happy, so it can happen.
But it is luck I know other friends in their twenties, forties and fifties despite trying lots of avenues have just not met anyone they want to have a long term relationship with.

Have you considered going to a very good match making service rather than crappy apps and dating sites. I couldn't direct you to one now but a friend of mine has a friend who has a match making service (charges £3000) but almost guarantees success. It's no rubbish app or anything like where you swipe etc. Modern day dating doesn't help to be fair. Everything and everyone is so easily disposable. I'm 40 and single but I'm content but than again, I've been married and had the kids so it's a different ball game for me.
I feel for you and you sound wonderful. If it's any consolation, if I were a man I'd snap you up! 😘

Ah London. I'd say that's the issue. I don't know why, as it seems totally counter intuitive as bigger pond etc, but dating in London never worked for me or any of my friends. We've all without exception either settled down with the one from uni (not me!) or spent a decade dating endlessly and all of them turning out to be total twats before one-by-one we all moved out of London (for different reasons and to different areas) and then within 6 months met someone!
I guess moving out of London might be a bit extreme, but it's just how it worked out in my friendship group.
Only other thing that's got me a lot of offers of dates is getting a dog (one that gets on with the cat obv!) and varying your walking route. Get chatting to other dog walkers easily and loads of them to choose from...

I speak from personal experience that a great way to meet lots of mostly decent men is to get a part time job in a golf club. I did, and because they are members, you get to know them if you work behind the bar. Obviously, lots of them aren't single but equally lots are. And they were all respectable, solvent and some have become firm friends. Worst case scenario, you just have a bit of extra money, but you could just as easily make friends or find a nice man.

Ketomeato thanks for replying!! I thought you had the secret to make yourself fancy someone!! Hahahah But it's all about the chemistry!

Unacorda and Sisterhood, this is what I was told and it has made sense:

Get a sheet of paper and write down ALL the things you want in an ideal partner. Go nuts. Think of what you want physically, socially, emotionally, financially etc. Write until there’s nothing left. Think about why you’re writing what you’re writing.Eg if you put “tall” then why is that? How do tall men make you feel as opposed to short men? Explore it a bit.

Once you’ve done that, and chewed it all over, cut the number of things that you want, down to the things that you won’t/can’t budge on. Get those things down to no more than FIVE. Five things that they must be/have/do.

Once you’ve got that, apply that as your criteria for whether you pursue it. If there might be a spark, or if all else is equal, don’t write them off till you’ve kissed them. Chemistry is a lot less predictable than it appears.

reformed What about for those of us that don't live in London and already have a dog?

MrsPig86 my friends have advised this before. Kind of seems sensible the way you put it . Although I would join instead of working :)

Will def try in December and let you know :) Hey @UnaCorda wanna come golfing with me!! ;)

You have to just make sure you’re in a Target-Rich Environment! London is too broad as it’s massive.

Keto I've actually done that. Got four dealbreakers. Only ever found a handful who ticked all four when doing OLD but they never replied. Met one or two in real life but they weren't attracted to me unfortunately.