What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

What kind of area do you live in, you say there's not much response on old: is that because you live in a rural area? What about moving to a town or city if so? And a new school? Or just one of those.
Have you had a friend read your profile on old?

Of course the OP isn't like this in real life, for crying out loud! She's venting on a forum!

Maybe you are just coming across as really desperate which is not attractive.

As feminist as I am, they tend to do the thing of smiling at men, asking all about them, being constantly upbeat and supportive and generally 'fun'. They sit at cafe or pub tables alone and eye up men rather than read or look at phones. It's pretty much the advice in Gone with the Wind and any 1950s magazine but you can also see it play out with the wannabe WAGS who frequent the nightclubs of Manchester looking for a footballer.

That is certainly food for thought.

Op, what are the things previous possible dates have done that have made you think “this one is not for me”?

Once you’ve answered that, I have some useful and frankly magical (ish) advice I got years ago, which worked...

Try a match-making festival - Lisdoonvarna, Co. Clare (in Ireland) is meant to be great fun.

100% agree with this:

OP, you’re asking for advice, so I say this with kindness. If you come across to men the way you’re coming across on this thread, it is likely that men are writing you off as being very very hard work. Most men are looking for kindness, compassion, understanding and fun. Not harsh, abrasive and combative.

The only thing I can suggest (your post title does ask for suggestions) is to not look for something specific from a scenario. Maybe go back to Soulmates or similar and instead of hoping to find The One, just see if you can enjoy an evening with someone you've never met for its own sake without wanting it to lead anywhere. As you might if you weren't looking for love. Accepting something for what it is and enjoying that, finding the value in that, might take the pressure off you - might be a one night stand with an unsuitable man or just a few dates with someone who's not right for you but still quite nice to have around. These are fine in themselves. They're not failed attempts to find The One.

That is good advice, thank you.

Budge up on that boat. I'm in exactly the same position and I've resigned myself to what @AppleBlossomTimeNow said. I think it's pure luck.

I know I have flaws, but I have many good qualities, I have lots to offer, though introverted I'm fairly proactive in everything that people suggest (join stuff, OLD etc etc), I get the 'WHY are you single' from well meaning friends, but still nada. Nothing close to long term or meaningful.

It's so hard not to pick yourself apart though.

Fuck me, some of the last few replies are depressing. She should definitely become a 1950s housewife but with added smiles. Remember to practice a dainty laugh.

Go on a solo adventure holiday DH has just been up Kilimanjaro and was mostly blokes and he lost 6 pounds. Bit extreme though I'll grant you.

Did that (only it was the Himalayas). I did actually meet someone, but he turned out to be a twat.

supercede but I said it before apple

Sob. Sniff.

Gonna push you off this boat of us dating losers!

Yes @Lumene I also agree.

Men tend to just want an easy and nice life and don't like women who come across as blunt and defensive. I have no idea what you're like in real life but if you are like you come across on the thread with swear words in title etc that could be why. But again I don't know you and you could be totally different who knows!

Look, OP is direct but hasn't been rude. She's venting on a forum & not mincing her words but that doesn't mean it is fair or accurate to imply that's why she's not meeting men. Lots of women struggle to meet decent men. Don't change OP. Don't act like a simpering idiot just to catch a man's eye. Do what gives you joy. Be yourself.

OP, bit of an extreme suggestion but have you considered moving area? Worked for one of my friends who has exhausted 'the pool' local to us. Moved to nearest big city and started again with the OLD etc, met someone pretty swiftly...

I live in London...

fancytiles Do men not like women who use swear words in titles then? Fuck me, you learn something new every day.

Shit sorry @ShatnersWig! What you said. Please I don't need any more rejection

It's rather abrasive, I certainly wouldn't find it attractive in a potential partner!

Throws supercee a lifebuoy

If must be frustrating but I think unless you’re happy being single, just keep doing everything you are doing!
Earlier poster suggested parkrun. If running isn’t for you just volunteer? Two of the regular volunteers at my local parkrun recently got engaged (after meeting through volunteering there).

Blimey, I don't think anyone can accuse you of not making an effort OP. It seems to me that you've gone above and beyond the call of duty in giving yourself the opportunity to meet prospective partners. Sure... actual connections with others can't be forced but you have to be out there in the first place to stand a chance. Unless there's something particularly objectionable about you, and I'm sure there isn't, then you've been very unlucky and I sympathise because obviously, it's not wrong to aspire to being in a serious relationship. There is a lot to be said about the advantages of being single and of course many people deliberately choose to remain so, but that's small compensation if that's not what you want. Unfortunately, you do already appear to be maximising your chances of achieving your goal and I doubt any of us can suggest anything new or different you've not already thought of. All I can offer is sympathy because it's hellish to feel stuck in any situation that's making you unhappy and frustrated, particularly when you've tried hard to turn things round. And recommend that if it's affordable, and you're not too disillusioned by your past experience of it, you might consider further counselling? Not necessarily from the perspective of 'there must be something wrong with me as I can't find anyone' (unless you feel there's something you need to work on) but more to help you cope with how miserable the current situation is making you feel. For the sake of protecting your emotional well-being if nothing else.

I really do think you've had a deal of bad luck, and I'm sorry. I'd like to believe the old cliche of there being lots of genuinely lovely people out there is true, as the alternative is rather depressing, but actually finding them and correctly identifying the ones who are sincere, let alone there also being a mutual attraction, is an absolute minefield. As you know.

Of course the OP isn't like this in real life, for crying out loud! She's venting on a forum!

Thank you, @ShatnersWig.

Look, OP is direct but hasn't been rude.

And thank you @AppleBlossomTimeNow.

Echo @catsmother - well said x

No real advise op but it took me a long time to find someone for a real relationship. Everyone else was a fuck buddy using me then ghosting me. I signed up to 3 different online dates but i made it a goal to just meet people with no pressure to date them. I used it as an excuse to go on dates to bars and resteraunts i hadnt been to before and talk about stuff i hadnt heard of before. Im not saying agree to a date with just anyone but i did start saying yes to go on a date with people who were never my type. Yes, even they "hi babe" opening line guys. I met some great men and some awful ones and ended up with my boyfriend who is the complete opposite of who i would have gone for. He also jokingly insulted me in our 2nd message to each other. Been with him 9 months and it can be rocky as im used to my way and hes used to his.

fancytiles I'm amazed you can cope on this thread, what with women using words like shit, fuck and cunt.