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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

444 replies

UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 21:33

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 13/11/2019 17:12

I’d say the rules prevented more abusive relationships than not amongst our peer group and stopped the being pumped and dumped on a Friday night on its tracks. None of us have low self esteem quote the opposite but it have us a tangible guide to preventing shit behaviour by looking two steps ahead which is often difficult when you have beer goggles on or rose tinted glasses.

RuffleCrow · 13/11/2019 17:23

I don't think it fools anyone @tellitlikeitis. The unpleasant men in particular can spot a woman faking her high self esteem a mile off - mine could. A nice guy is not going to be thinking along the lines of booty calls etc anyway, he'll just genuinely want to see her. Love isn't supposed to be this much hard work!

RuffleCrow · 13/11/2019 17:26

"Pumped and dumped"? You do know sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable for both sexes? It's not supposed to be like that and it's not abuse to have a one night stand with someone anyway. It's just two people deciding to hook up with no expectations, and as long as both people look at it that way, what's the issue?

Inliverpool1 · 13/11/2019 17:38

@RuffleCroW you know in many many cases one person doesn’t know they are having a one night stand right ?

Jane1978xx · 13/11/2019 17:51

@ooooohbetty. Maybe that’s where I am going wrong as I do the opposite of all of them 😂😂😂

oohnicevase · 13/11/2019 17:52

What age are you looking for ? Maybe it's that ? I would imagine you need to look for men in their 50's to fit your criteria . Any younger and they may be looking for a family ( sorry to sound harsh but you did say that wasn't a possibility ) .. are you looking for someone without children etc as I imagine that will narrow down the search criteria quite a bit ..
sorry you are fed up with it all..

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 13/11/2019 17:57

I don't think it fools anyone @tellitlikeitis**

It's not so much about fooling people but it probably will have the effect of men who are just in it for a quick shag and not bothered falling by the wayside more quickly.

The Friday thing is a good illustration - if you are keen and you go for that last minute date, you really like him, you are plied with drink, it makes you more likely to succumb to a shag and he may be just wanting a shag and the woman who wanted more gets hurt. If you are more time consuming to get to a date and to a shag, a man who isn't that bothered probably will move on to easier pasturers.

I agree it's no guarantee and there are plenty of stories of we dated for 4 weeks and then after we had sex he ghosted me but it's just about stacking the odds. It's less likely and it is more likely that you protect yourself by following the rules if you are lonely and more vulnerable to getting excited about a man who looks vaguely passable and ticks your boxes.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 13/11/2019 18:01

"Pumped and dumped"? You do know sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable for both sexes? It's not supposed to be like that and it's not abuse to have a one night stand with someone anyway. It's just two people deciding to hook up with no expectations, and as long as both people look at it that way, what's the issue?

Blah blah blah. Yes it's find to have a one night stand if that's what YOU want. It's a stereotype that more often than not women are looking for something more than a one night stand whether that is a two night stand, companionship, a relationship, FWB or marriage and babies. Remember a stereotype only becomes one because it has some basis in fact.

It is fair to say that the women who are gung ho for a mutual one night stand in a dating context are fewer in number than those who are hoping for something more wherever it falls on the scale between a two night stand to a trip down the aisle.

shivermetimbers77 · 13/11/2019 18:11

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread and someone may have suggested this sort of thing already OP, but a dating coach can be helpful (I know it sounds a bit cheesy!). I find the American coach evan Marc Katz to have a really nice, relaxed but helpful approach (all about doing what's effective) and he has a website and books etc but also offers phone coaching and courses etc.. (I dont work for him, I promise!. I just found his advice really helpful in helping me to feel less despairing and more relaxed when i was on-line dating).

RolytheRhino · 13/11/2019 18:13

I thought pumped and dumped was a breastfeeding term. Confused

RuffleCrow · 13/11/2019 19:29

i don't see how avoiding casual sex with men you fancy is going to make it any more likely that 'Mr Right' is going to come along. It's magical thinking. And even more so if you think these same men are going to go "she doesn't want sex, i think she's the woman i want to marry". It's like we're back in the 1950s - which funnily enough is where The Rules belongs.

And yes i've had ONS, i was a bit disappointed they didn't turn into more but calling it 'abuse' is an insult to dv survivors. As far as ONS go - fun while it lasted and i got to have sex with someone i fancied. Win - win. Potraying it as anything else is going back to that ancient idea that sex is a chore women tolerate so men can get their rocks off.

And 'blah blah blah' is a rude way to address a poster who has taken the time to post something thoughtful.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 13/11/2019 19:42

i don't see how avoiding casual sex with men you fancy is going to make it any more likely that 'Mr Right' is going to come along

You've missed the point. It's not about making it more likely that Mr Right will come along. The point is if you are a person who is going to get upset by having a one night stand (because you expected more and will feel used and upset when you never hear from that man again.) it reduces the chances of you being hurt and upset in this way.

And 'blah blah blah' is a rude way to address a poster who has taken the time to post something thoughtful.

Welcome to the Internet. We hope you enjoy your ride.

Jane1978xx · 13/11/2019 20:02

There are men in their mid-40s who had kids young (18/20) so their kids are moved out or at uni etc. Maybe that’s a group to consider as their kids won’t be a distraction in the same way younger ones are. It’s a setting on a few sites for with kids over 18

KaleidoscopeEyes · 13/11/2019 20:28

Only halfway through the thread but - OMG. What's with the men like this that and the other...?? Who cares? OP needs and wants to be herself, not try and bend to what she's led to believe men want Hmm

ooooohbetty · 13/11/2019 20:59

@KaleidoscopeEyes I totally agree and what you say is true. But it's not working for her so these are just suggestions.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 13/11/2019 21:03

I know what people are trying to say, kind of. But the 'ooh you're very abrasive, men don't like that sort of thing' nonsense! Fuck 'em Grin

RuffleCrow · 13/11/2019 21:26

You sound really horrible @tellitlikeitreallyis - you justify being rude by saying other people on the internet are rude too? Sounds like your life is a race to the bottom. Sad

And what you're essentially saying is "if you don't like one night stands don't have one night stands". Who needs The 1950s Rules to apply that logic?!

StillLearningDad · 13/11/2019 21:28

I'm a guy - not sure whether that makes my thoughts more useful or less useful. I live in London too and I think that the huge number of people makes for more competition in dating. Somehow you need to find someone who will pick you, and who you want to pick, rather than either of you carrying on fishing. OP, I think that you might have three main options here:

  1. Try some guys who don't quite meet your previous standards (it sounds like you don't want this);
  2. Find ways to make a special connection with someone that you've gotten to know gradually (through work or an activity or whatever) so that the other options out there can't compete with your connection;
  3. Figure out your best features to emphasise on online dating profiles so that you will jump out at someone from amongst all those options.

Not sure how well I've explained this. I'd be happy to review your online dating profile if that's of any use, but I totally understand if that doesn't appeal at all or sounds weird. Just trying to think of ways to be helpful.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 13/11/2019 21:31

You sound really horrible @tellitlikeitreallyis - you justify being rude by saying other people on the internet are rude too? Sounds like your life is a race to the bottom.

Nope and I'm quite the sweetheart! Wink
I'm saying that you can expect robust commentary on a public board. I don't agree I was rude by the way. I think you were easily offended by someone taking a view that what you posted was nonsense and saying so.

And what you're essentially saying is "if you don't like one night stands don't have one night stands". Who needs The 1950s Rules to apply that logic

No I'm not saying that at all. Again you are missing the point. You have interpreted what I am saying as 'if you don't want to be an alcoholic, don't drink alcohol". What I'm saying is that the rules effectively give a person a mechanism for not going to the pub in the first place - if you know you are vulnerable to being seduced into taking a drink.

Courtney555 · 14/11/2019 10:47

You sound really horrible @tellitlikeitreallyis

Grin

You really don't. Not even remotely.

afternoonspray · 14/11/2019 11:06

OP, one other thing I would definitely do is, next time you meet a nice but dull man with no spark online (or anywhere else) go for a second date that involves something a bit edgy - where you can't be so blandly polite. Go zip wiring or kayaking or to a graffiti art workshop. Find out which comedians make him laugh. Ask what his quirks are. Do something to get underneath that polite, dull shell. Then you may find a spark.

MaybeDoctor · 14/11/2019 12:04

I am on ex-teacher and my honest advice is to give up teaching.

Schools are often quite strange workplaces, where relationships have to be kept under wraps for obvious reasons.

Other workplaces are much more conducive to relationships.

MaybeDoctor · 14/11/2019 12:09

Teaching also takes up a lot of emotional brain space, that may mean you are less available for a relationship.

I also found that the teaching persona can trickle over into adult life, which is not always very appealing!

DorothyParkersCat · 14/11/2019 12:11

As a man, I don't do silly games and "chasing". Left that behind as a teenager.
As a mammoth, however...

...flirting is no easy tusk.

Inliverpool1 · 14/11/2019 12:15

@ DorothyParkersCat will you go out with me ?