What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

@ DorothyParkersCat will you go out with me ?

A straight answer.

inferring you are a woman!

My tusks are mighty impressive.

My tusks are mighty impressive.

Ivory much doubt that. It's what all the mammoths say.

@ShatnersWig no I'm not on commission! Just happily married to someone I met there.
It was a long time ago though, online dating wasn't a big thing at the time so hadn't tried it (and nor had DH).

See for yourself

Ha ha!

This thread is one of the reasons I come back to this mad strange online world.

I do agree that 1950s rules are ignored at our own peril. I’ve tried to act like we are in this brave equal world but we just aren’t. Do you know who is the most popular on OLD for men? 50 year old tall solvent guys. For women? Peaks at 18 then goes downhill. Educated women less likely than uneducated to be popular with men. Sigh... that is from OLD data.

Love the tusks... btw... very impressive.

As a man in my 40's, if I were single, I would likely try OLD to meet someone as the work/pub/hobbies/friends scenario wouldn't work for me.

From my perspective at least, some of the 'techniques' suggested on here to give off the 'right impression' would turn me away.

Life is too short for mind games. Any potential partner of mine would need to show interest. If we got chatting online and seemed to hit it off, and then suddenly their diary is full and they're a all a bit busy, I'd be thinking to myself "Well, I'm clearly not appealing to you very much and maybe finding a partner isn't very high on your agenda, so I'll save myself the run around and look for some who is more serious about finding a partner".

Playing hard to get is not an attractive feature, to me at least. If your life is that busy and you're so committed, maybe you don't have time for a relationship right now? etc...

I think just being open, honest and genuine is the best approach.

Sorry OP but have ' just one cat ' comment made me smile! . I had four cats and was single for years I tried all the dating sites too. I eventually met someone in the jacuzzi in the gym where I went three times a week. People chat in the pool and sauna etc and you get to know people in there.

@ShatnersWig

Those tusks look soft and small and cuddly to me. Tusks need to be large and hard and very not cuddly.

Now these are tusks. Clap your eyes round these:

upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/62/Columbian_mammoth.JPG

Sorry @Dorothy but I think that's a little tuskist. If you insist on limiting your search to mammoths with tusks of such proportions, you will remain mammothless. Shatner's tusk's have a different appeal. Don't discount them. And his shag (pile) quotient beats your tusktastic specimen by several inches.

you will remain mammothless

I'm resigned to being mammoth-free. Not because of tuskism though, that's irrelephant.

I'm not tuskist.Some of my best friends are mammoths.

Tusk, tusk, it’s time for bed now...

@groundfloor I get what you're saying about the pretending to be be busy but it isn't to say your diary is full. It's just not to agree immediately to meet up with someone on whatever day or time they suggest. It is game playing, you're right. But for some weird reason it works.

ooooohbetty I'm with groundfloor. It would also suggest to me that your life is very full and busy (which is a good thing of course) and that perhaps you don't really have time for dating or a relationship. As with anything you want to do, you make the time.

Dorothy You couldn't cuddle that Colombian bugger and stay warm and cosy at night. Unlike me. And I've got a trunk I can use (phnar, phnar). His has completely withered away.

@ooooohbetty

Maybe it does work. But from my own perspective, if I sense I'm being messed about, or there is any hint of mind games, or I just get the feeling that there is ambivalence and lack of interest, I'm out.

A person has got to be equally interested and keen to meet me as I am to meet them. I'm not 'chasing' anyone.

If both people played that game, they'd never get anywhere.

Put it this way, if I were looking for a partner and had been looking for a while, it would be a high priority. If I then saw someone online and thought 'Oh, they look and sound lovely, I would make them my priority to meet and rearrange any other plans where possible to meet them - I'd be really keen. If the other person appeared not that bothered, I'd assume they weren't really that interested in me, which would then put me off.

I've been there before in a previous relationship. The cool, 'I'm too busy' mind games translated to other elements of disingenuous behaviour later down the line, we broke up and I swore I'd never be dicked around again. If they're not keen, then neither am I.

I guess it depends on how much someone is willing to risk putting off a really nice, genuine, honest and decent man who is looking for reciprocal interest levels.

I think with the playing hard to get thing it totally depends on the person. Some guys like it, some don't. Easier to date someone who doesn't 😂and sometimes it's not deliberate, people are just busy, but it doesn't mean they wouldn't be interested once you get them on a date.

My DH asked me out 3 times before I agreed. Not because I was playing games but because I was in my 20s and finding a husband wasn't top of my agenda (he is over a decade older). I was just happy enjoying london, working, was casually dating someone my age just seeing where it went. Then in the evenings I just did a load of random stuff like rock climbing club and sailing at the weekends just to see what it's like (I was awful at both but at least I tried haha! Won't be quitting my day job!) so I didn't have a load of free time. But he was convinced I would like him and he was very keen on me. When we did go on a date he was right, I liked him a lot, and the rest is history. Once we were together there was no game playing at all. But from an outsiders perspective it would have looked like I was majorly playing hard to get which was not the case at all, I was just super busy!

But again, I know some people who would be put off if someone was cancelling all their other stuff for them. Just depends on the person, so you need to find someone who is on the same wavelength as you and values the same things.

Though with the whole finding a partner thing, when I was 22/23 I was OBSESSED with finding a husband and settling down and thought I was getting old (LOL), tried everything like every dating site and massively failed (pretty sure I freaked people out haha) but as soon as I got to 25+ I just gave up and started enjoying life and that's when I met my DH.

I also have a lot of eligible smart female friends in london that are single in their forties.

My advice has been- go social dancing. Learn swing, jive, salsa etc. My gran gave me this advice. She said if you are single you need to be touched regularly. Dancing does this. Plus you are learning a new skill. Plus you are rotating partners and coming into intimate contact in a way that is non threatening but challenges your preconceptions about who is right for you or what sexy connection feels like.

I met my husband at a New Year's Eve hive night. We danced the night away. He is twenty years older but it was not an issue. Also we were both infertile and are now 33 weeks with donated eggs and sperm so just to throw that in too on the infertile front. Best