What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

I hear you OP. Unfortunately after a certain age (quite young) there are just more eligible single women than men. I know loads, most of whom are lovely and can't find anyone. I'm in the same boat but am actually quite happy being single. So no advice, but empathy.

@SisterhoodOfKahn yes you definitely should do it! Social memberships are very reasonably priced, and the drinks are subsidised! Good luck

Well prepared to get flamed for this, but hoping you read between the lines and don't see it as shallow advice...

Do you look your best "you?"

As in when was the last time you got a great hair cut, some really nice clothes, did your make up differently etc?

To walk down the street with the confidence of, "I look great today" works wonders at exuding self worth and feeling like a catch.

I only say this as I'm currently heavily pregnant with twins. I can't be arsed most days and just feel like a flump. Before pregnancy and feeling sick and fat and bleurgh, I'd always have my hair nicely, at least bother with a bit of mascara and lippy, dress well, nails done. I'd get a lot of attention, compliments from both men and women. The last few months, I throw my hair up, can't recall the last time I wore makeup and live in oversized jumpers and baggy pants. It's like I'm invisible when I go out now.

Until this Friday. Nothing special. Just shopping with DM. And I woke up and thought, why exactly have I allowed myself to slip like this. I did my hair nicely. Put on some makeup (albeit minimal) and went for a tight black maternity jumper with black maternity leggings and some little heeled boots. The difference in how I carried myself just because I felt like I looked good was significant.

Parked in John Lewis and almost immediately, a woman who held the door for me said " I have to say, you look lovely, pregnancy really suits you."

That's the first time in months I've been complimented by a stranger, and it really lifted me. Later that day, I was in the garden centre and a chap came over while I was looking at Christmas decs and struck up a random conversation. "They're lovely, you've got a real eye for putting those together" It wasn't overly flirty because well I'm clearly pregnant, and if anything was a bit cheesy, but there was a definite undertone of flirting from him, and just the fact he'd approached me...if I'd looked how I did the day before there's no way he'd have even registered me stood there. Call it shallow, but it's true. Whether people like to admit it or not, it makes a difference. Whether I became less invisible directly because of my appearance, or whether I became less invisible because my mood and mannerisms had been lifted and that gave me an approachable quality, I can't say.

Is there anything you could do to look more "approachable" so to speak?

Shatnerswig what were/are your dealbreakers?

Ketometo

I don't even think I have 5 that I care about too much. Height? Hair? Don't care! (I use that in my profile hahah)

So my 5 would be

1. Pulse
2. Not an absent dad
3. Not Portly. Have you seen a lot of men in the 50s??
4. I would prefer if he hadn't lived in the same place all his life, but my bestie has never moved out of the 'Shire and she's amazing. So it's not a def no
5. Thinks there is more to the weekend, than going out and getting pissed.

So I think I'm fairly relaxed on criteria. All I want is a fairly sporty guy, who's well travelled and will treat me well. And most importantly, I fancy the fucking daylights out of!!

Someone who complements my life not complicates it! Yeah I use that on my profile too ;)

@Courtney555 I'm exactly the same, 34 weeks pregnant here and feel like NOTHING fits and I look awful but when I do make an effort I really feel so much better, I carry myself differently, and although I'm clearly not dating as I'm married and pregnant people still compliment me and it feels nice. Imagine if they saw me on a "staying in" day though 😂

Sisterhood but after your five you list at least one more, fairly sporty. See, I have no interest in sport and hate flying so have hardly travelled, so I'm screwed!

Keto

1. non-smoker
2. doesn't have children
3. not sporty
4. loves theatre

Ok well I challenge you to do it seriously and get down to absolute dealbreakers. So for example if you met someone sporty and well travelled but who was generally unkind to other people, would you still think that was ok?

Do you see what I mean?

GET RID OF THE CAT

Not joking either. A cat is a responsibility that will tie you to your home and require you to be home to feed it. No cat will free you up socially and more generally.

A pet also acts as an affection substitute. It's one of the reasons people get pets. No affection substitute will make you more motivated.

and some decent men find an older cat owning single woman a turn off. Unpleasant fact but true.

Shatnerswig, your list is almost the exact oppose of mine. Weird eh!! Although I love theatre too.

Shatner, obviously it’s your list, so make sure it works for you - would you reject someone with a grown up child with whom they had a good relationship?

What is it about sportiness that’s making you reject it? Do you actually mean you don’t want a football fan? Or a crazed cyclist/cricketer etc? Or could you tolerate someone who liked the odd game of golf?

What if they were a non smoker, no kids, not sporty but can’t be bothered with theatre?

Try to write your list in terms of traits you want to be present, rather than “not this, not that.”

@DorothyParkersCat

Ooooo great suggestion, I'll get rid of the cat, and the dog and the teenagers!! Do you want them, you've got Dorothy's, so I'm sure you wouldn't mind a couple more! ;)

Oooo Ketomeato you're good! ;)

@SisterhoodofKahn

No don't get rid of the dog. A dog is a well known pulling tool! Keep up.

Do get rid of the teenagers though. They are a mistake.

Hey sorry OP for hijacking your thread, but you're in bed so won't know. But @Mrspig86 I started a chat with your name on it! If you're still up could you go have a look please!!

Dorothy's cat, I've tried getting rid of the teenagers but to no avail! Left them in lifts, travel lodges, you name it I've left them there. Little gits find me every time!! Please can you take them??

Good tip about dog. I shall take the foul breathed, arthritic old farter out to the park. He'll reel them in!!

1) non-smoker
2) doesn't have children
3) not sporty
4) loves theatre

This is pretty much what I want although I've completely given up on finding a straight man who loves the theatre.

The only men I know who love theatre are either gay, theatre producers in it for the mony rather than the love of the art or married men who never really loved the theatre but were converted by their wives.

@PermanentTemporary what is sex dating?

Hi
I’ve read most of the posts but I have to say it’s a little confusing . 😬😬

OP, I second asking a very good friend if they know why you're still single.

I have 3 people in my friendship or family group who are longterm single. In each case I see why. It's not that they aren't lovely people, they ansolutely are great, warm and funny friends. But they all do something that scare men away.

One likes to do stuff with people. So she doesn't want to go have a quiet drink but now she knows someone she really wants to go do whatever mostly sporty travelly thing she was waiting for. She goes absolutely overboard with her ideas when she starts dating someone and forgets that they might want something else, she means to be nice but is so overenthusiastic that she comes across to a stranger as very, very dominating, self centered and difficult. So men run a mile.

The second talks her first boyfriend that died and about money in the first five minutes and sounds like a handful. She's clearly traumatised and refuses therapy. She's not a bad person.

The third is very inexperienced and when someone has a tiny bit of interest she acts giggly and horny and makes the atmosphere awkward, after that she plays games where she will act helpless and ill to see if he comes to rescue her, then she plays games and pushes him away quite brusquely to see if he comes back as you see happening in those fake romantic movies, and if that didn't scare him off she'll start looking for her wedding dress and plan the wedding, and that is before the first kiss. Nobody has stayed after that, ever. She's approaching 50. She just can't seem to relax and act normal with a man.

OP where do you live ?
London ?

"or writes something terribly interesting and considered such as "Hi babe."

I'd say THAT was your problem. I've only done OLD/apps once or twice but I always found the opening gambit SO nerve wracking and difficult. MOST people have a terrible opening line on these things and some people do just come across crap online but are great in person.

Christ, if I'd had to judge my husband based on the way he texts, I wouldn't have gone on a first date with him.

@ShatnersWig and @DorothyParkersCat see, this is where you're both wrong!

I always thought theatre lover was a deal breaker for me.

Get a man who is ambivalent towards theatre, then when he's in love with you, you FORCE THEM TO LOVE IT TOO worked for me! He bought Hamilton tix on a whim last week! Success

OP, I second asking a very good friend if they know why you're still single.

I'm sorry but I think this is pointless.

I can tell you why the OP is single. There are two reasons - she has not met the right person and has standards. Maybe you could add a third reason that as you get older it becomes harder because you meet fewer new people and fewer new people who are single.

Any woman who is prepared to have sex could get a partner overnight if she is prepared to date down below her level.

There is no point in asking friends why you are single. All they will say is junk like ' I think you are too fussy' or 'you have a cat' or 'your interest in Harry Potter is geeky' or ' you are too thin or too fat'. It's just nonsense.

It's a combination of standards and not having a the luck to meet someone who fits you who is also single and available.