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Original poster

What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

444 replies

UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 21:33

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

OP posts:
shalligoagain · 10/11/2019 22:11

What about a dating coach OP?

Can't recommend, but something like this...

datingcoach.me.uk/

IndieTara · 10/11/2019 22:14

Op I'm in a similar position but I've just turned 53 and have a DC aged 10
I work full time, have a car, I'm not hideous either, well travelled and had interesting jobs, fairly intelligent. Have done all the dating stuff too. Not lacked for dates but nothing has stuck, relationships just don't seem possible for me anymore.
Ive given up looking now to be honest. I just can't be arsed with the whole repetitive business of trying to get to know somebody who then inevitably ghosts me, lies to me, turns out to be lazy and work shy or hides all their issues until a few months in or simply just can't keep up the initial 'best behaviour'

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2019 22:18

What do you mean you're generally not meeting anyone? Are you going on lots of dates, and you mean you're not interested in them after meeting them, or not going on dates?

And when you say they are emotionally unavailable fuckwits, do you know why you seem to go for this type of man? And when you're not interested, why not? And if they are not interested do you know why not?

When you're on a date do you take it easy? See how it goes? Or are you immediately sizing them up for a grooms outfit?

FeeFee832 · 10/11/2019 22:18

Do you think you maybe come across as a bit aggressive or straight to the point with the men you date and it potentially scares them?

Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 22:18

What is the deal with cats putting off men btw?

I think there's a tipping point...!

(I'm not saying you're like this, but there might be reasons you haven't thought of that make you less attractive. Personally I think my relative is probably happier with her female friends anyway).

I don't think there is anything overt (I'm not "ditzy" and don't have "issues" that I wear on my sleeve), but more subtle things to do with low self-esteem, etc.

OP posts:
fancytiles · 10/11/2019 22:19

Yeah I think it totally sounds like a good set up!

Sorry to hear you're infertile (if that's not what you want), though I think that is a very strong word.

I'm not totally sure what you were hoping would come of your post but I think that people are trying to give good advice and to help, it's hard to know whether someone has already heard the advice before but it's all good-natured.

purpleflowers25 · 10/11/2019 22:19

OP I could have written this myself, I find myself in the same situation. I do think it is harder to meet people in your 40's, as many are married, so I do think the numbers game makes a difference, there are simply less available men out there. I would keep doing what you are doing though. Don't have any real advice (otherwise I would have acted upon it for me!) but please be assured you are not the only one in this position

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2019 22:20

Have you tried a running or cycling group? Tend to be lots of single men there.

fancytiles · 10/11/2019 22:21

Personally if a guy had 4 cats I would want to date him more!! And stay at his not mine with the kitties Smile
Weird that it's the other way round for men. I will never get it!

Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 22:21

What do you mean you're generally not meeting anyone? Are you going on lots of dates, and you mean you're not interested in them after meeting them, or not going on dates?

Not going on dates.

And when you say they are emotionally unavailable fuckwits, do you know why you seem to go for this type of man? And when you're not interested, why not? And if they are not interested do you know why not?

I know why, but it's not intentional and knowing why doesn't seem to stop it happening.

When you're on a date do you take it easy? See how it goes? Or are you immediately sizing them up for a grooms outfit?

I try to take it easy, but I might unwittingly give the impression of being over-keen. I don't intentionally come on too strong.

OP posts:
fancytiles · 10/11/2019 22:22

Yes definitely second the running group suggestion- there are always tons of guys!

RolytheRhino · 10/11/2019 22:22

So, what exactly is the problem? You're meeting people but not getting to the date stage? Or you're going on dates but it's ending there?

Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 22:24

Do you think you maybe come across as a bit aggressive or straight to the point with the men you date and it potentially scares them?

No, despite my snippiness on this thread I actually think I let men get away with too much and am too inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt and ignore red flags (although I'm trying not to do this).

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 10/11/2019 22:24

Cross post. If you're not going on dates, why not?

Jane1978xx · 10/11/2019 22:25

Are you only looking at men without children ? I’ve found a lot of men in their 40s who don’t have children are still holding out for it so only date younger women.

Also ask your friends to look on old for you.

ShatnersWig · 10/11/2019 22:25

Tinkly my long term single female friend joined a running group because several people suggested to get they are full of men. I asked her how it was going. She said "it's 85% women; half of them married and bringing their kids with them while the other half are single and had all been told that here were lots of single men here." So I asked about the 15% men. "All married or such serious runners they don't have time for a relationship!"

Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 22:26

Have you tried a running or cycling group? Tend to be lots of single men there.

No, this is something I haven't tried, but that's because I'm not very sporty. I do cycle (or did, until I had my bike stolen), but I think I'd feel so under-confident on account of being crap at sport that I wouldn't stand a chance of being attractive to anyone.

OP posts:
AppleBlossomTimeNow · 10/11/2019 22:26

It's luck. Dumb luck. It's not you. There's no magic formula. There's no hair cut or hobby that will provide the answer. I'm in exactly the same boat & as someone who likes to find solutions & be proactive, I find it really hard not to blame myself & my perceived flaws as to why an LTR is elusive. But it is just the luck of the draw. Keep plodding on, count your blessings & one day it might happen. But don't beat yourself up if it doesn't xx

LoyaltyBonus · 10/11/2019 22:26

Stop trying so hard and join groups that you are genuinely interested in, for their own sake, rather than with aim of meeting someone.

ShatnersWig · 10/11/2019 22:27

Thank you Apple was begining to think I was the only one to realise it.

Perunatop · 10/11/2019 22:28

Lower your standards and settle for someone who is a decent person even if not 'fall in love with' material. Or stay single.

TigerJoy · 10/11/2019 22:28

It's shit, sorry

You're doing all the right things.

I was single for 10 years before i met dh - we met on ok cupid.

All i can suggest is you keep doing them. I ended up regarding online dating as a bit of a second job. Would make sure i browsed profiles every few days, sent loads of messages, met up with people really soon for a drink (think 3/4 messages in - as soon as i thought i could hold a conversation with them. It was exhausting, but by meeting up early my expectations were quite low and it was less emotionally draining

First date with dh was the first OLD where i felt an instant attraction

If it's any consolation i know loads of fabulous amazing women who are single. No idea why.

I'd suggest keep at it - you have to buy a ticket to win the lottery

freeingNora · 10/11/2019 22:29

Park run literally hundreds of people gather to run together

What do you do for a living because a high percentage of people meet their other half at work

Sohololopopo · 10/11/2019 22:29

I know it’s shit OP, but the only actual advise I can give you is the best ones actually do come when your not looking. When your finally happy and love yourself. It’s like when your in a relationship and in love men fall at your feet! Whereas when your on the prowl no ones to be seen! Work on yourself, love yourself, accept yourself and the right on honestly will come along. People might think it’s woo (they can fuck right off imho) read the secret.

Cohle · 10/11/2019 22:30

I think the reason you are finding the advice "hackneyed" is because there is no magic answer. You're already doing all the right things - getting out there and meeting people.