What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

@Sohololopopo I don't reckon OP is gonna go for this advice 🙈

@Newbie1981 well then it’ll be the OPs bloody loss! Proof is in the pudding with this badger right here!

You've clearly put in a lot of effort, but not got the results you'd like.

Could you maybe ask a trusted friend for advice?

Ask if there's anything about your situation, personality or appearance that is off-putting?

Good luck.

Sorry to hear you're infertile (if that's not what you want), though I think that is a very strong word.

Not sure what you mean by it being a strong word. It's a fact.

I'm not totally sure what you were hoping would come of your post but I think that people are trying to give good advice and to help, it's hard to know whether someone has already heard the advice before but it's all good-natured.

I know it is. No, I'm not sure either! The support/solidarity is nice.

If you're not going on dates, why not?

Because I'm not meeting anyone. Everyone that contacts me through OLD (which is only a handful of people) is either 60-something or writes something terribly interesting and considered such as "Hi babe."

Start doing parkrun. It doesn't matter if you're not overly sporty - it's easy enough to build up to a 5k run - many groups have a coffee afterwards, should be a selection of potential partners there.

I met DH through internet dating ( back in the day when it was considered slightly weird) I met a few blokes first and had some less than successful dates, but I just wanted to reassure you that some relationships do happen that way.

Soho I love and accept myself. I stopped online dating 7 years ago. How long should I give this stop looking lark for the right one to honestly come along?

I'm not so sure it always is just luck. I know lots of women who are never more than 10 minutes without a partner after a break up - they have a quality about them that men really like.

As feminist as I am, they tend to do the thing of smiling at men, asking all about them, being constantly upbeat and supportive and generally 'fun'. They sit at cafe or pub tables alone and eye up men rather than read or look at phones. It's pretty much the advice in Gone with the Wind and any 1950s magazine but you can also see it play out with the wannabe WAGS who frequent the nightclubs of Manchester looking for a footballer.

If having a man in your life is really important to you then you might need to think about the impression you make.

Why aren't you going on many dates if you are using so many ways to meet men? I don't mean that sound so harsh as it may seem so sorry.

Do you ever ask them out/meet? Or do you wait to be asked?

If you have low self-esteem though I think taking some time out to address that would be helpful

Again, sorry to be snarky but did you actually read my OP?

Wow what a snappy response. Also not sure why you are mentioning your weight this didn’t even cross my mind.

I shared what I would do in your shoes and you wrote a post that quite clearly does mean to be snarky.

Sorry you are having a hard time but no need to take it out on people sharing their thoughts and experience at your own request.

Fucking hearing you @UnaCorda! Early 50's here, single 4 years.

Done every single OLD, gym, clubs, MeetUp blah blah blah. Nuffink!!

4 years single.

Friends say "Why is someone like you single?" In a nice way I may add.

I know I'm way too fussy. Or let's say I wouldn't put up with some of the shit women and men on here do. Late for your first date, fuck off are you getting a second! Red flags you would have let go in your teens and twenties, just stop it going any further right there.

Men are thin on the ground in the Middle Ages, wait I mean single men!

Some men don't like strong, confident women, and I don't one who is intimidated by me anyway!

I have an amazing life but fuck me it's lonely being single sometimes.

There is no magic answer at all but being with a man doesn't define you. If you are unhappy outside of a relationship you will still be unhappy inside one- it doesn't fix anything. It's the same as before, you then just have a boyfriend too.

And if you want more cats just get them. The right guy won't be put off by this. They are so affectionate and love you unconditionally unlike humans! (Can you tell I'm a big cat fan?!?)

Stop trying so hard and join groups that you are genuinely interested in, for their own sake, rather than with aim of meeting someone.

That's exactly what I do.

I think once someone starts to feel defeated about finding someone to settle down with, it shows. In my twenties I was really slim, very pretty, had a glamorous job an dzero luck with men. I put on a bit of weight, swapped jobs for a much duller one and then met DH. I was so miserably lonely in my twenties. It was painful. I remember going to a product launch run by my brother where I knew no one and he said, 'Go and talk to my client X. He's really friendly and you have a hobby in common.' So I went over to this man and introduced myself as DBro's sister and the man looked at me and said, 'I have a fiancee. She's right over there,' and walked away. Now I can see that he was an absolute tosser but at the time I went home and cried and cried. I'd been invited out to dinner afterwards with them all but couldn't face it because I felt like I had a billboard over my head that read: 'Men Beware. Desperate woman is trying to chain you down.'

The only thing I can suggest (your post title does ask for suggestions) is to not look for something specific from a scenario. Maybe go back to Soulmates or similar and instead of hoping to find The One, just see if you can enjoy an evening with someone you've never met for its own sake without wanting it to lead anywhere. As you might if you weren't looking for love. Accepting something for what it is and enjoying that, finding the value in that, might take the pressure off you - might be a one night stand with an unsuitable man or just a few dates with someone who's not right for you but still quite nice to have around. These are fine in themselves. They're not failed attempts to find The One.

@ShatnersWig I reckon in the next two weeks... I don’t bloody know, for me I’ve never ever online dated, I’ve probably just been lucky, I’ve always ended up in a relationship when I’ve least expected it. After I’ve worked on myself, and accepted myself. It’s not a one time thing. I’m a twat so they only last a few years mind you... But they’ve all served as I have wanted them to.

Oh and for OLD check your profile with a detached view as it sounds like you're not attracting your ideal candidates. Ask your friends what your good points are , don't be modest. Or do what I did and put in a very light hearted profile.
Go on a solo adventure holiday DH has just been up Kilimanjaro and was mostly blokes and he lost 6 pounds. Bit extreme though I'll grant you.

You've obviously done a lot and it's not working so you need a new approach. I don't get this relax and it will happen malarkey either, I treated it like any other project plan.

Park run literally hundreds of people gather to run together

That's a very good idea, thanks. A bit less scary than a formal running club!

What do you do for a living because a high percentage of people meet their other half at work.

I'm a teacher. Lots of colleagues have coupled up (someone in the same department had a long-term relationship and then met her fiancé) but not me.

@ShatnersWig sorry I didn’t mean to sound like a cunt there. I can imagine it’s fucking rough and admittedly do receive masses of anxiety thinking about potentially becoming single as I haven’t been for so long.. it’s shit, but I think I would still have to stand by what I’ve said although there is no factual proof to it being solid advice. The world works in mysterious ways. You have to ask for something particular. Can I advise you to read the seven spiritual laws to success - it might enlighten you to receive. Yes I’m
Woo. I’ll own that!

I should also have explained it's not from lack of offers. I go on many dates, I'm an OLD guru! Hahah

It's just I don't fancy any of them.

Wait ... the problem is me eh??

No I've fancied 2 men in the past 4 years, my young bloody handsome copper l, a FWB, but wants kids!

And an other guy who was too much like my ex. A liar.

Do you contact people on old or wait for them ??

I shared what I would do in your shoes and you wrote a post that quite clearly does mean to be snarky. Sorry you are having a hard time but no need to take it out on people sharing their thoughts and experience at your own request.

Sorry, but what's the point in suggesting everything I had just listed as having already done? I specifically mentioned classes and hobbies and I specifically mentioned therapy.

OP, you’re asking for advice, so I say this with kindness. If you come across to men the way you’re coming across on this thread, it is likely that men are writing you off as being very very hard work. Most men are looking for kindness, compassion, understanding and fun. Not harsh, abrasive and combative.

Sorry, you did ask though

I have a group of friends from their late 30s to early 50s, not one of them can find a decent man, not one. Online dating seems to bring out the creeps and even if they do get a date the men dont want a relationship, just a fwb situation. They work in different jobs,some more male dominated, but still nothing. I honestly dont know what to say op, its shit, utterly shit and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

I think the reason you are finding the advice "hackneyed" is because there is no magic answer.

Yes, I expect you're right.

OP, bit of an extreme suggestion but have you considered moving area? Worked for one of my friends who has exhausted 'the pool' local to us. Moved to nearest big city and started again with the OLD etc, met someone pretty swiftly...

Yeah to be blunt OP, if your behaviour on this thread is reflective of your manner in real life then it's not that hard to see why you're single.