Bf wants to leave me after I made him get a job

[Taetoes]

1st time poster here, hi :)

Has my bf of 12 years been mugging me off or have I been a twat?

We have 2 children together, when I first met him he was a waster, spending all his wage on weed, I'd just got out of a 14yr marriage and he was a good escape from the monotony of a boring husband. My bf moved to be with me and got some crappy part tme jobs that he hated. 3 years on, I got pregnant with our DS, we agreed that because I had a regular, higher paying job, he would stay home to care for our DS. 2 years later our DD was born, everything was fine.. I did catch him twice chatting to women online, sharing pictures of himself to them.. we kind of got through it but it damaged trust I had in him and the relationship didn't ever feel the same again for me. I put it down to him feeling lonely and neglected at home, my job involved many hours and I was often stressed and tired when I got home.

I encouraged him to take a degree through open university which he spent 5 years doing, the plan was to have a great qualification then once the kids were in full time school he could get a job that he would enjoy and start contributing financially to our family.

When our DD finally went full time at school, it became apparent my bf had no intention of finding work at all. He half arsed his way through a couple of job interviews here and there, then got offered a job but needed a dbs check. He failed it for things he did before we met. All those years of studying culminated in sweet f. all and I was gutted.

Meanwhile, Bill's were piling up, I had been struggling for 2 years to keep on top of everything and pleaded with him to get s job to help, I even went off sick for stress for 2 months.. I was so unhappy having to do everything myself, he knew this... still nothing, no work that contributed anything meaningful.

I have to say, I am not the easiest person to live with, I am not particularly affectionate, I am moody, I sulk a lot, I am passive aggressive.. but I do try my best to give my family everything, I work hard, I make the house nice, I'm the planner, the organizer, I plan holidays, purchases, finances, I get things done. My last relationship was the same, I guess that's just the way I am. I love my children, I do think life would be so much easier without them.. I feel bad to think that way.

So, a month ago after another month of no contributions to the family finances, I told my bf I wanted him to leave. I wanted to scare him, to make him realise I was sick of his free loading and that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I still don't know for sure if I meant it. I just know I had enough of being the worrier over mounting Bill's while he sat at home doing nothing for hours while both kids were at school.

He got a job, full time. I was over the moon, finally, we could treat our kids, pay our Bill's, buy new furniture... I saw such a bright future for us all, for the first time in many years, I was really happy. A fortnight after he started work, I said let's sit down and go through what Bill's we can split up, I'd make a list.. he took absolutely no interest, I left it a few days thinking he would ask to see it.. nothing.

2 days ago, I made a flippant comment about his hours making childcare difficult and that he didn't need to do so many hours as we will have to pay childcare which would cancel out the extra hours he was doing.. I said unless you have a plan for all this extra money you're making..he went quiet. Later he admitted he was saving to move out.

He says that because I was so happy he got a job and that my mood changed so dramatically since then, that I only want him for his money.

8 years I have paid for everything. Found us homes to live in, taken us on holidays (very few on our budget but still I was the only one who planned these), bought cars for our family to use, always made sure our cupboards had food in them (I always do the weekly shop), bought our children clothes, birthday and christmas presents, furnished our home etc etc.. hes been a stay at home dad and that was great, he's been a great dad to our children, we always liked the role reversal of the sahm, I overlooked the sloppiness of keeping our home clean and tidy- he did the bare minimum at home but 2 kids are hard work I know this.

So back to my original question. Have I been a total mug all these years? Can you help me see this from his point of view? I'm feeling so stupid right now. He says I'm being selfish feeling like this.

He's got to live here until he can afford to move out, so now it feels even worse that I have to pay for everything and it's even more stressful because his hours are making childcare a complete nightmare, neither of us have friends or family nearby to help us out. I'm in such a mess :(

You say he moved from the other side of the country to live with you as if that’s some kind of big romantic gesture. It’s not. He moved from the other side of the country for free rent, cupboards full of food and the freedom to sit at home doing sweet FA all day long.

I’m trying really hard to be objective about this because I’m sure there are lots of men out there who feel his way about their stay at home partners but the difference is he has chosen to remain at home even after the kids have started full time school and has made very little effort to find employment. However, he did complete a degree in this time so he wasn’t exactly doing nothing was he?

Do you think he has issues with his mental health and/or confidence? It must be very hard to go to work having not worked for so many years.

My first instinct was kick him out.

However there have been so many posts on here from SAHMs who are expected to work and do childcare/school pick ups while their partners carry on as normal. They're told that they've contributed to the household through childcare, whereas this man has been called a cocklodger and sponger who just "wants in his pants" all day. SAHMs are told to "get their ducks in a row" and leave their "financially abusive" husbands, told they will get custody and keep the house and claim maintenance because they're the primary carer. Your boyfriend had been the primary carer for years too. I think there are some double standards here.

Beanbag - I partly agree with you. SaHD has enabled to work etc by looking after the children.

However, I think the difference here is that he made no effort to look for a job, whilst the bills were mounting. If he couldn’t do a daytime job due to childcare needs, he could easily got a part time evening or weekend job.

Also, he was the one planning to leave due to money. He wasn’t kicked out. Op considered her money as family money, but he obviously considers his money as his money. He didn’t seem willing to contribute to household expenditures etc. Maybe the conversation hadn’t been had as to what percentage of wages goes into the family pot, but she assumed all money would be shared, and he didn’t.

Op considered her money as family money, but he obviously considers his money as his money.

I think this is the major difference between the threads about SAHMs and this bloke.

(That and the cheating, but still.)

There is nothing wrong with being a SAH parent if it is affordable on one wage. The fact is, in this case it’s wasn’t and isn’t which is why the OP suggested he gets a job once the kids had gone back to school. A partnership is just that and most people if their partner was struggling to make ends meet would do what’s necessary to help.

This man is a lazy cunt. Know that in your heart and bide your time until you are in a good place to get custody of the kids. He may have moved out by then (with a little help from you) and with all his lovely money to spend. You will get your own back when he finds he has to pay maintenance for the kids.

the freedom to sit at home doing sweet FA all day long.

That's not how it's portrayed when a mum is a SAHM.

I have appreciated his sacrifice in being a sahd in order to carry on my career
Was it a sacrifice on his part though? Or just a convenient opportunity to not HAVE to get a job?
Don't give him credit he doesn't deserve.

I just wonder if he took this job knowing how disruptive it would be to childcare
Of course he did - he was probably hedging his best on making things so difficult for you that you would be manipulated into accepting that it's easier for YOU if he stayed sat on his arse.

Why doesn't he want nice things for his kids?
Cos his priority has always been himself.
when I first met him he was a waster, spending all his wage on weed
So he met you, saw you had 'money' and were easy to play and manipulate - and that's what he's been doing all this time.
He has never had to take on full financial responsibility for himself let alone anyone else....why would he start now?

I'd tell him to get out asap - and buy/cook his own food in the interim.
Also, get your child maintenance application in asap before he jacks this job in - which he will probably do once he realises they will take it straight out of his wage before it hits his bank account.

Hi everyone 🤗
It's interesting to see this thread lurch from one opinion to the opposite. Thank you again for your thoughts and opinions!

These last few posts are exactly what has happened, 2 years he had to find a job- any job.. and he always complained there was nothing. When I lost my business years ago, I took on a pot washer job and a sandwich delivery person to keep the money coming in, it was degrading delivering and serving some customers in a small town who had previously been my clients as a business owner- but I did it for my son. You just do what you have to to provide for your family, they didn't ask to be born into the world and I take my responsibility as a parent seriously.

I think I'm most hurt that, after 2 years of asking him and the sick leave I had 2 summers ago for stress about the weight of responsibility of being the breadwinner.. he did nothing. It wasn't until I said I wanted him to leave that he actually got a full time job within a week!! And then to learn 3 weeks later that his plan was to save up and leave me anyway.. it hurts like hell, I feel so used, its tarnished our earlier really happy years we spent together because now I'm second guessing his motives for being with me at all.

I do feel much more in control now I have sorted out childcare off my own back. He's saying he will probably need until after Christmas to save up and move out, but maybe longer 😑 I need to set a time limit or I can see him being here for months, I want to be cautious about throwing him out incase he does go down the primary carer route, need to get my plan in order first.

In a twisted way, I want him also to see that we can both work, our house can be kept clean & tidy and the children will still be cared for without him bumming about the house 6 hours a day! He's already made a comment about feeling like hes a lodger in "his own home" when he gets back after work because I've already done everything he would usually have done.
I've lived his life for 2 weeks while I was on holiday and I have to say, it's fucking lovely, nice quiet cup of tea when I get home after the school run, couple of hours of the very little housework he'd normally do, then 4 hours to paint my nails, fiddle about with my hair, read a book, watch a film, chat to my family, do a bit of window shopping, go for a walk etc.. no wonder he wants to stay home!!

Yesterday he said that I had scared him into getting the job because he realised that I could throw him out at anytime and he has nothing, he couldn't live like that. That is a horrible position to be in, he's right, I feel bad that I made him feel powerless to just get my point across.

He did the afternoon school run on Monday, he'd not been home after I did my night shift so I wasn't sure what the plans were with picking the kids up so I ran down to the school (wanted to get nursery details from the school office anyway!). He stood chatting and laughing in a big circle with other parents and didn't even acknowledge me standing there, it was so awkward. Me not being a regular part of school runs and getting to know other parents was very apparent, it's funny because he has always told me he doesn't know anyone here and doesn't speak to anyone, that he's got no friends here and he feels lonely... but yesterday I very much felt like I was invading his domain. God knows what the other parents thought, must have looked so odd. I keep replaying the scene in my head today and I feel really embarrassed about it.

I also feel this is going to get a lot more ugly the longer he stays under this roof. Everything he says to me I try to work out the motive behind his words because all these years feel like a sham now. I feel strong right now but it's a daily mind fuck.

I can also see my once regular "get a job" pleads easily being replaced with "have you found a place yet?" 😏

he said that I had scared him into getting the job because he realised that I could throw him out at anytime and he has nothing, he couldn't live like that. That is a horrible position to be in, he's right, I feel bad that I made him feel powerless to just get my point across

Why are you falling for his bullshit?
You could have thrown him out AT ANY POINT over the previous years - and he had 'nothing' then either!

You need him out asap, not running up your bills and eating your food whilst he claims he's 'saving'.
He's deceived you all these years OP - don't let him fool you any further and risk losing your DC to him.
Get him out NOW...that way if he tries claiming primary residency later on down the road the Dc will already be 'settled' into their new routine (which judges hate to disturb)

You didn’t “make” him feel powerless. He chose to stay home long after the kids started schooling age. Women fought for the right to work so achieve independence.

Usually a SAHP picks up other roles, not just parenting - eg book keeper, balancing the budget etc. He wasn’t doing any of that though & didn’t seem to care about the stress of money until he realised the reality of the precarious position HE has chosen to live.

It’s his decisions to not work or encourage marriage to protect his rights. I don’t think he sounds like much of a feminist but he likes taking on feminine roles then complaining a woman has done him over

I haven't read the full thread but I did wonder if it was a reverse in that the OP is actually male and his female partner refuses to work. Sorry if that has been raised and dismissed.
It is always irritating when a partner does not pull their weight. I have been following the thread about stay at home mothers with school age children and many are beyond indignant that someone might think they should get a job.
I went back to work full time when my children were in full time school. I worked until 65 and still work part time. Yet very few of my friends went back full time because they enjoyed pottering at home. Sometimes it feels as if men and women have hardly changed their roles, expectations, and attitudes to financial responsibilities in the last thirty years.
Every so often on here (far more on Gransnet) you hear the wails from a woman who is used to having the house to herself and having a husband provide all financial input, and is shocked at the thought of her husband retiring and being around during the day.
Roll on the time when there is a societal expectation that men and women will share financial and domestic responsibilities equally.

He Is loving guilt tripping you and making you feel rubbish. Take a step back and look what’s actually going on rather than the bullshit he’s spurting. He knew very well what’s yours was also his all those years and despite having a job he’s still continuing in the same vein. Except now he’s working, what’s yours is still his and what’s his is, well his.

It sounds as if he’s not contributing to the household. Take the time to make very detailed notes about who is paying which outgoings and what else you’ve spent on the children. If he tries to sue for custody, I can only imagine a judge will take a dim view of a man, who once he found full time employment continued not only to completely live off his partner but also to not provide for his kids.

The saving up to move out is immaterial. It’s a bullshit excuse that anyone can see through. He could go and find room in a shared house tomorrow if he is that desperate to leave and save up to rent a place from there.

It’s a choice to be SAHP or work post school age. Either option is valid. But having the option in the first place to not work is a luxury because we need $ to live & that is how our capitalist society is set up unfortunately!

It’s a luxury to be able to take all the time you need to save up to move to a place you want. It doesn’t take until Xmas to move to a place. You don’t need to be on a lease or pay more than 2-4 weeks rent as bond to rent a room in share house etc.

So either he is being fussy about where he plans to move to, or he is saving up to get his ducks in a row to go for custody, in which case he needs to save for a whole flat/house for the kids.

I agree with prawn. I think he may be considering sueing for custody, which is why he’s taking so long. And you don’t even need to save for a deposit on the 0% scheme, just one weeks rent for that. It may be more difficult for him to get a rental contract if he’s still in his probation period.

Also note down who does drop off and pick ups for the children. That is you in the mornings, I think.

I agree with everyone who says there is a huge imbalance on mumsnet between how SAHM and SAHDS (aka cocklodgers) are treated.
OP I am in a very similar position to you though - I cannot get DP to get a job or even try - I've tried to get him to train for something to get a job- he just trained for something he liked which has no income earning potential at all (but cost a lot). He now says he won't get a job because of the childcare needs- I've said we can deal with those as and when he gets a job but....
My concern has always been the same - if we split up what would happen to our children- he would claim he has been primary carer - I'd argue to a degree (DS went to nursery etc) but on balance he's right- he would argue that he can't work and him not working benefits the family and that it was a joint decision (I'd disagree but its hard to evidence)- so I'd worry that I'd end up in a worse position if we split up- ie still having to support him and being without the children. This would be my concern in your shoes- have you had legal advice?

If you aren't married, can he even try for custody?

@katewhinesalot marriage has nothing to do with child custody. He is the stay at home parent & the children’s primary caregiver. Or do you think kids belong to the Mum automatically !

in which case he needs to save for a whole flat/house for the kids.

He is the primary career, why would he need the family home? He has a clear right to stay there with the kids. OP, you are in the same as a man who is a main earner who has a stay at home mum taking care of his children. The fact you are the main earner will NOT give you any bonus rights over the children.

Having said that, what every SAHM turned single mum knows is that there is no way to have a good life on benefits and maintenance only. He will need to work to keep their heads above water and a roof over their head if the younger kid is older than 5. And you will need to pay only a maximum of 20% of your net salary in maintenance and that is only if the kids never stay overnight with you.

BTW the fact he used drugs when you met him is irrelevant, as long as he is not using them now.

If you claim he was that bad, everybody would be thinking why would you allow him to take care of the kids during all these years? You would look either as a liar or a very neglectful parent.

Does anyone know how many months he needs to work before court will stop seeing him as primary carer?

He's said he is petrified of setting up a home for him and the kids, that he has no idea how to make a house a home for them. As much as I'd like him to live in a shithole, I don't want the kids to have that experience when they are with him, I know I won't be able to stop myself helping make them comfortable when he does find a home.

I just don't know if he would try to go for custody, I didn't think my ex husband would have the balls to do it but then he did, so I'm rubbish at reading situations 😅

Maybe my bf is saving up for solicitors fees to get me out instead 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is he saying in a round about way that he wants to stay?

How would you feel about that?

@Innishh if that IS what he's saying then this whole moving out thing has been a test to see if I will crack and let him continue to bum about at home. Maybe he is realising exactly how much work it takes to do all the things I've done to make our houses, homes over the years.
Regardless, I don't want him here anymore. Blanking me at school in front if everyone the other day was by far the most deliberately mean thing he's done to me. He knows how uncomfortable I feel in social situations like that so he would have known how unsettling that would have been for me. I don't want someone like that living with me, he played off my weakness to make me feel purposely vulnerable.