1st time poster here, hi :)
Has my bf of 12 years been mugging me off or have I been a twat?
We have 2 children together, when I first met him he was a waster, spending all his wage on weed, I'd just got out of a 14yr marriage and he was a good escape from the monotony of a boring husband. My bf moved to be with me and got some crappy part tme jobs that he hated. 3 years on, I got pregnant with our DS, we agreed that because I had a regular, higher paying job, he would stay home to care for our DS. 2 years later our DD was born, everything was fine.. I did catch him twice chatting to women online, sharing pictures of himself to them.. we kind of got through it but it damaged trust I had in him and the relationship didn't ever feel the same again for me. I put it down to him feeling lonely and neglected at home, my job involved many hours and I was often stressed and tired when I got home.
I encouraged him to take a degree through open university which he spent 5 years doing, the plan was to have a great qualification then once the kids were in full time school he could get a job that he would enjoy and start contributing financially to our family.
When our DD finally went full time at school, it became apparent my bf had no intention of finding work at all. He half arsed his way through a couple of job interviews here and there, then got offered a job but needed a dbs check. He failed it for things he did before we met. All those years of studying culminated in sweet f. all and I was gutted.
Meanwhile, Bill's were piling up, I had been struggling for 2 years to keep on top of everything and pleaded with him to get s job to help, I even went off sick for stress for 2 months.. I was so unhappy having to do everything myself, he knew this... still nothing, no work that contributed anything meaningful.
I have to say, I am not the easiest person to live with, I am not particularly affectionate, I am moody, I sulk a lot, I am passive aggressive.. but I do try my best to give my family everything, I work hard, I make the house nice, I'm the planner, the organizer, I plan holidays, purchases, finances, I get things done. My last relationship was the same, I guess that's just the way I am. I love my children, I do think life would be so much easier without them.. I feel bad to think that way.
So, a month ago after another month of no contributions to the family finances, I told my bf I wanted him to leave. I wanted to scare him, to make him realise I was sick of his free loading and that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I still don't know for sure if I meant it. I just know I had enough of being the worrier over mounting Bill's while he sat at home doing nothing for hours while both kids were at school.
He got a job, full time. I was over the moon, finally, we could treat our kids, pay our Bill's, buy new furniture... I saw such a bright future for us all, for the first time in many years, I was really happy. A fortnight after he started work, I said let's sit down and go through what Bill's we can split up, I'd make a list.. he took absolutely no interest, I left it a few days thinking he would ask to see it.. nothing.
2 days ago, I made a flippant comment about his hours making childcare difficult and that he didn't need to do so many hours as we will have to pay childcare which would cancel out the extra hours he was doing.. I said unless you have a plan for all this extra money you're making..he went quiet. Later he admitted he was saving to move out.
He says that because I was so happy he got a job and that my mood changed so dramatically since then, that I only want him for his money.
8 years I have paid for everything. Found us homes to live in, taken us on holidays (very few on our budget but still I was the only one who planned these), bought cars for our family to use, always made sure our cupboards had food in them (I always do the weekly shop), bought our children clothes, birthday and christmas presents, furnished our home etc etc.. hes been a stay at home dad and that was great, he's been a great dad to our children, we always liked the role reversal of the sahm, I overlooked the sloppiness of keeping our home clean and tidy- he did the bare minimum at home but 2 kids are hard work I know this.
So back to my original question. Have I been a total mug all these years? Can you help me see this from his point of view? I'm feeling so stupid right now. He says I'm being selfish feeling like this.
He's got to live here until he can afford to move out, so now it feels even worse that I have to pay for everything and it's even more stressful because his hours are making childcare a complete nightmare, neither of us have friends or family nearby to help us out. I'm in such a mess :(