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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

206 replies

Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:09

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:10

Or is this normal? My DH when we were married was overjoyed. I miss that feeling of happiness Sad

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 10/11/2019 08:15

Just talk to him. He needs to hear how you are feeling.

Lotus90 · 10/11/2019 08:16

What would I do? Panic! Bless you OP, this is a horrible situation for you to be in. Do you think it's you he doesn't want? Or the baby? Or both? Either way this isn't going to work out in the long run unless he makes a dramatic u-turn and fast. I'd almost be deciding without him even in the equation whether or not I'd want to be raising this baby on my own. If I did I'd continue with the pregnancy and if not then I'd very sadly be looking to terminate. Either way I'd be asking him to leave...

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 10/11/2019 08:16

Is it possible he’s just shocked that it happened so quickly when you seemed to think it would take ages?

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:16

I have. He said he feels like that’s all we talk about. But with this all in the air and no decision I feel like that’s all that’s on my mind.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 10/11/2019 08:17

I was freaked out when I discovered I was pregnant and we’d been TTC for 6 months! It is a huge change.

MonaChopsis · 10/11/2019 08:17

OP, he's behaving like a dick. I also had a 'planned' baby with a (now ex) who flipped once I was actually pregnant. I spent a lot of time pregnant and stressed and pandering to his feelings.

I wish, in retrospect, that I had kicked him out and told him to stop being such a selfish man child. So in your shoes I would get angry, tell him that the Xmas fete is the least of what he's going to be missing out on, and send him to his brother's. His reaction might then tell you whether or not to terminate. However, that advice is only because I did the opposite and it set a really bad dynamic up in the relationship.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:18

He says that it’s happened so quickly he expected it to take longer. I suspect he wasn’t ready and now it’s on him he’s panicking.

I don’t want to be a single mum. Been there.

Jesus. I’m so sad.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 10/11/2019 08:18

He sounds really shocked. Do you think he was thinking it actually wouldn’t happen and was just going along with the idea for your sake? Were you doing it because you thought he should have a child of his own?

I think you need to sit down together and have a really frank discussion but I think that’s going to be incredibly painful.

I’m very sorry for you all actually, it sounds really upsetting. I hope you can find a resolution.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:20

See I know it’s normal to be freaked out but I feel like I‘be done something wrong - I don’t know. He said “I thought you said it would take ages” or something. I had some pain at first and he kept saying ‘it probably won’t last’. All subtle things that tell me he’s not in this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:21

Thanks so much for your advice btw. I don’t have anyone I can tell for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
pog100 · 10/11/2019 08:21

I don't think he sounds grown up enough for pregnancy or for you. You need some maturity in this situation and only you seem to have it. I think I'd end the relationship and terminate, but that's easy said

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 10/11/2019 08:23

OP did you tell him it would probably take a long time?

Who’s idea was it to have a baby?

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:23

Yes pog - I'm running that through as a very real situation right now.
I've also got my own kids to think about here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:24

I told him how long it took last time. Added to the fact that my periods are reducing monthly.
He said he wanted to be a father. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Now? I just want to rewind the clock really.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 10/11/2019 08:25

I was "freaked out" when I fell pregnant (planned) quickly. I think it's quite a normal response to big and slightly unexpected news. You must have only known about it for a few days, I wouldnt be jumping to conclusions about being a single parent or being forced into an abortion yet! Give him a chance to get his head around the idea.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:25

Stupid thing is - I have historically been quite opposed to abortion and said I would never have one. Well, isn't this a lesson learned. I feel so stupid in a number of ways.

OP posts:
BrassTactical · 10/11/2019 08:26

How was the decision to get pregnant made? Mutually totally? He desperately wanted kids of his own? You wanted a lazy child? Who mentioned it first?

Just working out if he was naive enough to think because of your age it wouldn’t happen at all? Or if he totally there and freaking at the reality.

Either way I am so sorry OP, I’d be concerned he is going to
Flake and there is no way I’d be going back into single motherdom again at 39.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:26

Beanbag - thanks.
How long would you give? What's normal? If this was a fleeting feeling I could understand.

OP posts:
Mummaofmytribe · 10/11/2019 08:26

I'd give him a day or two's grace if he's normally a kind, considerate partner but after that it'd be both barrels. You were having unprotected sex after both agreeing to a baby. You need to know if he was just placating you because he stupidly thought it would never happen as you'd warned him about the stats. Either way he was in on the plan, and you don't have the luxury of heaps of time waiting to see if he can get his act together. He's in his 30s ffs!
I do feel for you, getting such a lovely surprise of a quick positive and then faced with his reaction. I'd be hurt and furious. Good luck.

BrassTactical · 10/11/2019 08:27

Lazy? Confused last!

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:28

Brass - I think he thought it would take a long long time. Its been talked on and off about our entire relationship. Having his own biological child is, he has said, important to him and something he wants for sure 'at some point'.

OP posts:
GetUpAgain · 10/11/2019 08:30

What's his family background? FWIW I think its v common to freak out like this for a planned baby if your own relationship with your parents is not great. It might 'just' be that. Eg. My mum did when I was tiny and it massively hit me when I was pregnant, I had thought I was fine.

On the other hand he might just be an arsehole, or having a temporary blip. Which is more likely?

YorkshirePud1 · 10/11/2019 08:30

Hi - my husband was very similar! We thought it would take a long time too but I also got pregnant very quickly. His reaction really upset me - he sort of went into shock and there was no big happy moment where he was excited to become a dad. He didn't want to talk about the baby at all at first and I thought we'd made a huge mistake.
I'm 12 weeks now and it took him a while but he is excited now and laughs at himself about how he behaved. It's a huge change and he needed time to process it. Not ideal and certainly not how I always imagined it going. All I'm saying is don't give up hope - he may be freaking out yes but there's a good chance it'll all be fine. As I said, not ideal and in fact it's really annoying and hurtful when all you want and need is support, but some men are slow burners unfortunately and just need a bit of time 🙄. Good luck and I hope he sorts his head out soon. Oh and congratulations!!

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:30

I am hurt Brass. Thats the truth of it. Don't want to be a drama queen and believe me I am one of the most stoic people you could meet, but I just feel like the shine has really been taken off this. I know how hard it is TTC and the thousands of women at my age who cant get pregnant. When I got that positive test I couldnt believe it and felt like we had hit the jackpot. Until I called him...

OP posts: