Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

[Takeonmeeeeeeeee]

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

He said he wants to be a father, so if you’d not agreed to have a baby (and your age is against leaving it any longer) I’m guessing there’s a good chance he might have eventually moved on to a new relationship anyway to fulfil that wish. I think you’re between a rock and a hard place.

Sorry did=died

I would give him a few days, for sure. It is a big change for anyone.

You could go and have counselling at Marie stopes perhaps? You need some support right now.

Oh yes Hero, we talked about that if I didnt want / couldnt have a baby that we wouldnt last / would break up as it was that important to him

Oh thats a good idea Permanent. I didnt know they offered that.

Hate to say this but is there chance that although he wanted to become a father, deep down he didn't want to become a father with you? He let you go on planning to have a baby because he really didn't think you'd be able to conceive?

OP I am pregnant with a much wanted baby, but one I thought would take much longer to conceive. When I found out, I was a mess. DH really had to pull me through that first trimester (I also had pretty severe sickness, so that didn't help the situation, but I had two weeks before it kicked in too) I want this baby more than I have ever wanted anything, I absolutely adore her already and I'm counting the last few days with so much impatience, but DH often says if only me today could meet me 9 months ago it would be quite eye opening. All the things that terrified me then thrill me now.

I don't know how your DP is really feeling, none of us do. But I do know that if my husband had judged the situation on those first few months (I think I cried at least half the time) then we may not be where we are today, and I wake up excited every morning about this baby.

What do you want? Do you want a baby? Because DH had to really believe this was the right thing for me to pull me through it, he had to be absolutely certain for both of us. I don't think I can ever thank him enough for being my rock, he took a gamble on it because he was absolutely certain that I did want this baby and the emotions I was going through were temporary. We talked it through a lot pre pregnancy, so he knew how much I wanted us to have a baby (I have a DSS so this wasn't him desperate to be a dad) do you know that your DP wants one? How sure was he pre TTC?

How long have you got before you can't take pills to terminate and it becomes more surgical? Give him a bit more of that time.
If he won't talk about it properly or go to counselling, then that is giving you a clear message of what he really thinks.
If he really wanted a DC with you, surely he'd be over the moon?

I think I couldnt leave it longer than 6 /7 weeks. I saw my other two on scans at 8 weeks and its too much (no offence to anyone with differing views). So I think I am going to tell him to go to his brothers today and stay there this week. At the end of the week, we can talk. If he hasnt sorted his head I think I am going to terminate and break it off. This is so far from where I wanted to be.

Op I was in A similar situation to you except I didn't have any other children. I totally get how you feel it is so hurtful and upsetting. I was 38 and had endometriosis, we had a similar age gap to you and your dp. He was all for it and I agreed we should push on due to my age and issues. After 5 months I fell pregnant and I was so happy and excited- he did a complete turnaround. I was so hurt, he had all that time to come clean if he had changed his mind but he didn't. My pregnancy was miserable and we limped along for 3 years. I can never ever forgive him . My ds is 5 now and we both adore him but we are not together and I hate my ex for what he put me through.
Even now I try to see if he feels remorse and as much as he loves ds he says he wanted me to have an abortion.
I hope you have a happier ending than me.

Me AND my husband were like this when I got pregnant with our much wanted, planned DC1.

We both cried, felt like we'd made a huge mistake, went into shock for a week or so. I also considered having a termination briefly, even though I'd always thought I would never have one, and it was a planned pregnancy! It wore off, I think with your first child you suddenly realise your old life has gone, and when it happens quickly you have no time to 'mourn' it, so do it in the first few weeks of a pregnancy.

Neither of us went through it with our second child, as our life was already in tatters . I bet he's just in shock, his childfree life is over and it's a big change. You already have DC, so it's not as big of a life change.

Give him a few weeks to come round before you make any big decisions!

Fwiw I was very naive and you sound lot more sensible with your head screwed on. Don't let him mess you around x

I don't understand why he has to go to his brothers to think. He might be in shock because he thought of would take ages. We got pregnant first month and were in shock too. It was week 10 before we were getting excited. Same happened to my friend. Has he told you he is having seconds thoughts, not sure anymore, wants you to consider a termination

Belfield, becuase I dont think he's actually making any decisions whilst here. Its just life as normal whilst he is 'unsure': it feels fake for me. I cant pretend I want to sit and watch TV r make dinner with him as ultimately I'm pregnant and his head is a mess. The clock is ticking. I dont feel like just carrying on with normal life will force him to think this through.

When I got pregnant in similar circumstances and we had exactly the opportunity problem. Husband was absolutely delighted and I was so shocked I didn't know what to think, whether I should terminate, I wasn't ready etc

Suffice to say I came round to the idea, ds2 is now 4.

I think it's ok to give him a few days to get his head round it but at the same time you need to tell him exactly how you feel.
If he hasn't come round by next weekend I'd be seriously questioning the relationship I'm afraid.
Best of luck. I think it's not uncommon for men to freak out about this kind of thing.

I'm sorry to hear your story Brolly. I also fear for the longer term too.

I think you need to make it really clear that the clock is ticking.
You had this baby because it was so important to him.
Either he wants this baby and gets on board now, or the baby is terminated and your relationship over. If he wants children with you, this is it.

Generally I wouldn't advocate putting pressure on someone, but actually he needs to man up and work out what he wants.

Thanks Frazzled. All sensible advice.
I too am shocked and scared. But that was the minority feeling. The ovewhelming one was - Yay! We've done it! But that feeling has given way to fear and sadness now. WHo knows if it will ever come back even if DP does a 180 in the short term.

Btw his "I thought you said it would take ages" comment sounds very naive. Surely any man knows that although it can take ages it can also happen straight away?

Yep Frazzled. Felt like he was in some way blaming me.

If having a child was really that important to him, he would be over the moon not making comments about having one. “At some point”.

With just three years of dating and no commitment, it doesn’t sound like this is actually what he wants.

I got pregnant first cycle, and I thought it would take a few months at least. I was in shock for a good few weeks, and I work in healthcare, I'm not naive. It's just the suddenness of the change IMO.

I'm really sorry, OP, but I think this is roughly what's happened: your DP said it was important to him to have his own children "at some point", but he wasn't really envisaging it happening for another few years yet. Your age and the fact you were perimenopausal meant that it was now or never for you, and he went along with it because he thought it would take a long time to conceive, or that it wouldn't happen at all. Now that it has, he's realised that he didn't want a child yet and he's panicking.

It's not an attractive look on a 33 year old man, if I'm being honest - thinking he's too young to be settling down and actively hoping you'll miscarry (if I read that comment correctly). He may come round but he needs to understand that you don't have the luxury of time on your side.

Is it possible he somehow thinks you tricked him by talking about about how long it took you to conceive last time? I don't think it's uncommon for women to have a sort of surprise pregnancy when they're reaching the end of their fertile time. It happened to a lot of women of my mother's generation who had stopped using contraception because they thought they were safe, and then they ended up having a baby in their mid 40s. But he might think you were exaggerating your difficulties because you wanted another child before it was too late, presumably forgetting that he was happy to go along with it.

It's a horrible situation, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I hope his brother, or anybody really, can make him see sense if he can't get there on his own.

Tbh not sure why every man should know this when not every woman has a firm grasp on their own fertility cycle.

It sounds like he said he wanted kids “at some stage”, OP assured him it would likely take a long time so get a start on it now, got pregnant quickly & now he is shocked because he had anticipated it taking longer.

I would give him one week & then make your own plans separate from him

I do find it interesting when anti abortionists are Faced with their own reasons for having to terminate. The world isn’t so black & white when faced with an unwanted pregnancy. Everyone’s abortion is evil except their own....

Man has unprotected sex and then is surprised and “freaked out” when partner becomes pregnant? Yawn.

Whatever decisions you decide OP, make them for you and you alone. Don’t allow what you perceive he wants/doesn’t want to cloud the thinking process for you. I agree with a PP that counselling would be a good idea.