Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

[Takeonmeeeeeeeee]

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

I think he is a little bit shocked and in denial TBH. He probably thought he had ages to come to terms with becoming a Dad .Probably the biggest life change for anyone .At the moment give him a week or two to come round to the idea . I would think carefully about an abortion though as at 39 you dont have a lot of time to conceive naturally .

@Glacecherrychops

It's absolutely fine to express emotions and have worries/anxiety about this. However, it is not okay to go quiet on OP and not be honest about where he's at. A wishy washy "I didn't think it would happen so quick" and then refusing to talk about it is a bit of a cop out. Everyone knows that unprotected sex can result in pregnancy. He made the decision, alongside OP, to try for a baby. He should have only said yes to this if he 100% was ready. That is on him.

He is running away from the pregnancy, leaving OP feeling abandoned, anxious and worried. Normal adults talk to their partner about their concerns, figure out a way to go forward and work from there. Childish adults hide from their responsibilities. The fact that OP is having to book a back up appointment because she isn't sure where he's at, and she feels incredibly unsupported, is sad, and that's on him.

He isn't a child. He should know better at his age. It's funny how it's okay for him to have a wobble about it, but guess who's left to deal with the fall out? Of course it's the woman.

Have you asked him if he's worried about anything? I know my OH was (and is) still worried about mc so hasn't wanted to get too excited.

I'm looking at the other angle here, are you using the pregnancy and baby as a band aid to keep him? It really sounds like you only want a baby if you have him too.

The reality of pregnancy hits a lot of people even when they really want a child and all the responsibility it brings with it.

Abortion isn't a contraceptive or a bargaining tool

We started TTC on Christmas Eve. I was pregnant by Valentine's Day. DH was very freaked out. Neither of us expected it to happen that soon and he was suddenly very anxious.

I was disappointed that he didn't react like expectant fathers are supposed to but it never occurred to me to end the pregnancy. He was just scared by the overwhelming responsibility of parenting. He was fine once he was used to the idea, and a brilliant dad.

@PepePig

But I felt like this, in my early 30s, with my wanted pregnancy. It took me a few weeks to come round, but I did. It was a reaction to the quickness of falling oregnancy, and mourning my old life. I love my DC1 to bits now, they are the light of my life.

Feelings are unpredictable, perhaps he needs a couple of weeks to get his head round it. I did. He's not left the OP, or told her to end the pregnancy, or been horrible in anyway. I remember having thoughts of 'maybe it will end in miscarriage anyway', as part of my emotional reaction.

I think people are being really unfair, and telling the OP to kick out her partner and have a termination because he's in shock and feeling upside down FIVE days after his world massively changed is ridiculous. OP has had children before, it's a different emotional experience IME

1 more:

Abortion isn't a contraceptive or a bargaining tool hmm

Excuse me??? Im well aware it isnt thank you. What a disgusting thing to say.

@1moresurvey

I think that's a harsh view point. OP has raised two kids and knows the struggle of being a single mum. It's not a shock that at 39 she'd rather not be a single mum. She got pregnant under the agreement that her and her partner wanted the baby and they were going to raise it together. Now, that may not be the case, she's fully entitled to consider other options.

The only person who's in the wrong is her partner. He changed the goal posts and has left OP in limbo. Whether he grows up and takes responsibility, or continues to shirk it is on him, but it's not fair to blame OP in this situation. Whether she keeps the baby or chooses to terminate- that's her decision. And only hers.

Thanks Pepe. Indeed. I'm well aware of the fall out from abortion. I have two other children and before I met my DP was a single mum. I dont choose that again. I'm not using abortion as a contraceptive or a bargaining tool.

You ask if it’s likely he will not be reliable and you’ll be a single parent again: the odds of this, statistically and given his behaviour, seem very high.

@Glacecherrychops

I still don't understand this viewpoint. You surely think about these things before falling pregnant? You know your life is going to change. It's not a secret no one tells you about until after you see a positive test. I can understand it's harder for the woman because you have pregnancy hormones, morning sickness, your body totally changes, etc- these are difficult to deal with at times.

But for your partner there's very little that changes for them other than being a bit more careful with their spending and supporting your pregnant partner. Their life changes 9 months from then. Not within a few weeks when symptoms come in. So to mess your partner around and make it about yourself and only yourself- no. Can't sympathise with that.

If it's any consolation, DH had a quiet freak-out when I fell pregnant within a month of TTC (second time around, I was the one in denial). However, he always wanted the baby and he started to get excited once he saw the scan.

Becoming a father is a scary moment for some men. Give him a week and tell him you need a straight response. I am sorry you are going through this. :-(

Oh OP that is shit of him to be honest. He willingly and actively had unprotected sex with you in the hope that you would conceive and now your pregnant he’s changed his tune?! It’s out of order especially when at 39 this may be the last hope you have of having a baby together.
I really hope it’s just the shock and he sorts his attitude out quick sharp. I agree it’s a big deal and a huge responsibility. Maybe the plan in his head of a long drawn out TTC period has been squashed and he’s panicked. He has said he doesn’t want you to have an abortion so that’s something. I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and lay it on the line for him. He either wants the pregnancy or not. It’s a scary enough time for you as it is!

@PepePig

Oh well, if you can't sympathise with a different viewpoint and emotional response then I guess it's all bullshit, the OP's partner is stupid, childish and evil, and she should leave him immediately.

I'll go back in time and tell my newly pregnant self that my feelings are all invalid, and I should have been fully prepared emotionally for everything, as everyone should be, according to someone on mumsnet.

Christ.

Oh dear, OP.

I had a man like this, once.

We were 36, been together 5 years & stopped using contraception after numerous discussions, which ended up with me giving an ultimatum. He wasn't "ready".

I think he just went along with things, thinking it wouldn't happen, and was just too spineless to tell me.

In hindsight, I should have run for this hills.

I found out later he was having an affair.

I would never have stayed with him had I realised.

I really hope it's not the same for you, OP, but I'd be wary of a future with a man who is so flaky/unreliable.

@glacecherrychops

As I said, I can sympathise much more with a woman who is struggling to come to terms with a pregnancy. The symptoms and toll on you mentally/physically can be very tough. I am not going to feel bad for a man who wanted a baby, got what he wanted and now is acting like a baby himself.

5 days is plenty long enough to realise his partner is pregnant. It's plenty long enough for him to provide her support and be honest with where he is. If they hadn't been TTC and she'd fallen pregnant, I could see why he might be in denial over it. But for a planned pregnancy? And to just act like that when you know they've been a single mum in the past? It's pathetic.

Aw OP, been in a similar situation and I really feel for you. Like you, mine was a planned pregnancy (although I didn't have any other children) and ex partner of eight years was seemingly shocked when the test was positive. His passwords (which I found at a later date) were miscarry, bleeding and losethekid which even now stick in my head, over 22 years on. Every few days he would appear to be ok with it, that's after I had flatly refused to have the termination he wanted. Then he would revert and say "surely you want me to be honest?" - claimed he was happy to have a child but in a couple of years time, not right now. He was 30, I was 28.

Obviously I kept DD but was a single parent from the start. He didn't pay maintenance and hasn't seen her at all for about 17 years. I did what a PP described and pandered to him, saying I'd do everything, he wouldn't even know the baby was there. I wasn't "allowed" to tell anyone because if they congratulated him, he would "probably punch them". He said I'd look awful fat so I barely ate. Took six weeks' maternity leave (overseas so normal) but by that time he'd moved out. Oh and I had to keep all baby items in my office at work so they didn't depress him. God I was pathetic.

However I am sure that there are many stories with the same beginning but a multitude of different endings. Mine sounds dismal, I know - although I have never for one second regretted my decision. I know of other women whose partners were initially less than keen but who did a complete turnaround and were devoted fathers. I think the space you describe would be a good thing.

My sister for various reasons thought it would take ages with her first and also got pregnant straight away - it took her a while to adjust when she did fall pregnant even thought it was a much wanted baby and she was mid to late 30s. I recommend seeing a counsellor together ASAP to talk through your feelings before you make any decisions about the future. You may find once he processes things he is as delighted as you would have hoped him to be. He can't help his feelings - but he can help what he does about them and I think seeing a counsellor to get some clarity would help.

I understand why you want to send him to his brother for a week, can't carry on normal life pretending everything is ok.
But... pushing him away, creating more space between the two of you at this crucial moment seems like a unwise strategy.
This is the time that you both need to find a way to properly communicate and listen to each other. You need to be heard and also to hear what is going on for him. Creating distance isn't going to facilitate that.
You are both scared. Relationships are built on communication, support, understanding and trust.

His reaction to the pregnancy so far has been bad, but your priority surely is to find out what is going on for him and for him to understand how you are feeling. Not seeing each other for a week and him making a massive life changing decision to an ultimatum of that magnitude while alone at his brothers sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I get why you're hurt and the urge to push him away but if you truly want this relationship to work don't push him away.
It may be that he doesn't want the baby and you end up terminating and splitting, but please don't unintentionally end up in that position because neither of you are able to communicate your feelings over the next few days. It is the time to stay close, be honest and open to hear.

Hope it all works out for you!

I’m sorry he didn’t give you the reaction you were expecting 😕 that’s really disappointing & hurtful.

However, I honestly think you’re over reacting talking about an abortion when he’s said he doesn’t want you to do that & you never thought you’d have one. I think your hormones & panic are over riding your sense & logic here.

He’s freaking out, lots of people do when a pregnancy happens, even if they’ve been TTC for ages. There have been countless threads on here about The DH now ‘freaking’ or the pregnant woman.

He fully expected it to take quite some time - I think most people in that situation have the right to feel ‘oh fuck’ when it happens the first month.

You keep saying you don’t want to be a single mum again, but if you have this termination, you’ve already said your relationship is over, so you will be a single mum again (no new baby admittedly). But a single Mum none the less.

And your children will lose their father figure (again?)

To be fair to him to, he probably ideally would have left it a couple more years (he’s still pretty young) but with your age & peri symptoms, but agreed it was wise to start now, as he wanted a baby with you

Also, didn’t you actually want another baby? If you did, this might be your last chance (given your history), so how would you feel about not having another one? And how does that make you any different to him? You said you wanted a baby, now you’re pregnant, and his reaction wasn’t ideal, you’re considering a termination. That’s you freaking out like he is.

Sending him to his brothers isn’t the answer. Leave it a couple of days, take the kids to the Christmas fete today then talk to him later in the week.

Remember who you fell in love with, he’s still there!

Ah I'm so sorry @Takeonmeeeeeeeee. This is crap.

something he wants for sure 'at some point'.

This, plus him saying that he wouldn't stay with you if you couldn't get pregnant; don't seem to indicate that he sees this as his long term future. Or at least that'd be my major concern right now... did he reassure you of that during any of the conversations? Do you believe him?

Right now he's behaving like a child. He clearly does want children but doesn't appear to want them right now; and maybe (trying to be kind!), he does want them with you but feels a bit pressured that it's either now, or with you. Perhaps he felt he'd deferred that decision by agreeing to try and seeing if it happened, knowing it'd likely take a while and might not happen at all which would make his decision for him, and now he's uncertain about what the outcome has been. The decision he didn't want to make has been made for him.

I'd be nervous about that happening again and him essentially swanning through this without ever really offering much other than that he hasn't said he did want it and hasn't said he doesn't. He's leaving it to you again.

It might be worth deciding what you want to do alone - if he leaves now; if he stays for a bit and then leaves... and then seeing how he fits around that. Is he generally mature enough to be a dad? Does he manage to act like a grown up a lot or do you find yourself parenting him a bit?

All the best, whatever you decide

I don't know - men freaking out when their partner falls pregnant seems so common? My DH was an arse all the way through my first pregnancy to be honest. I was really hurt and surprised (didn't want to come to scans, looked at the scan picture and said: "suppose it's too late then?" I still haven't forgiven him for that one...) but then he turned into father of the year once DS was born.

It's a gamble -but you know him best. Do you think it's just a blip?

You're also full of hormones; you don't want to making any rash decisions either. As someone said Marie Stopes and BPAS offer counselling and are impartial and on your side. Probably a good idea to talk it through with someone qualified to help.

Its natural to be initially freaked out by pregnancy i was when my 4th IVF worked!! I think also at 39 its natural to think it may take a while, and you were just trying to set realistic expectations. But how lucky for it to be so quick!

It could be he’s not ready at all right now, and assumed it would take a while, but he is 33 and I think he needs to get a grip.

I think it was a good idea to give him some space but he can have an indefinitive time to mull it over. I think he needs a deadline - he’s either with you or he’s not. Good luck

Op I remember looking at my much wanted baby boy in the cot next to me in hospital thinking ‘what have I done’ . Seriously give yourself, and him, some time to process the news. Does his brother have kids? Whilst I wouldn’t tell him to move out for a week, he could probably do with talking to someone close who has kids to get his head straight. You have a little time to get this sorted out... good luck op

Have either of you discussed marriage.