Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

[Takeonmeeeeeeeee]

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

These men annoy the life out of me, the sort who plan a baby then become indecisive and go cold once it happens.

Ok having a baby is life-changing for either parent but it's the mother who makes the greater sacrifice, physically and emotionally.

You both planned the baby, you become pregnant and now you're left having to contemplate terminating because he is "in shock"

How does he expect you feel then, given his reaction on top of your own surprise/nervousness/excitement.

I think he's being a selfish, childish arse.

It’s so selfish of him not to just explicitly say how he feels.

Hi - I just wondered if your DP being very (too) honest (I suspect a lot of DPs don’t dare voice all their worries when the positive pregnancy test happens) has clashed with the feelings getting pregnant have been triggered for you. You briefly mention being a single parent before and I wondered if feelings you thought long gone have surfaced again about things in your past and past relationship? That those feelings are driving you to attribute your current feelings purely to his behaviour when actually they’re to do with your past?
I personally agree with the previous poster who said creating physical distance now wouldn’t be ideal.
How do you normally handle things in your relationship? When he’s anxious, do you normally reassure him? When my DP was more shocked than excited when we got pregnant first try for our second child, it really upset me but I just told him I’m sure he’ll get over the shock. He hates uncertainty and hasn’t enjoyed any of my pregnancies and finds new born babies hard but he loves having children. In reality, he’s like that about everything! Does it disappointment me that I didn’t get the support I wanted...yes...is he worth it for the rest of the relationship we have...yes. Only you can answer those questions for you and your relationship.

I think some support for you to work out which of your feelings are truly about now and what are about unresolved feelings from the past...will allow you to see your partner’s feelings in the most accurate light possible. People responding here will be influenced by their own past experiences and haven’t witnessed his actual behaviour.

Take care of yourself. Xx xx

What a dickhead! He sounds awfully unreliable, immature and capricious.

My ex husband was like this. We agreed to TTC, I got pregnant the first time and he totally freaked out. I kept hoping he'd get used to it, come around when the baby was born, etc, but he was horrible throughout my pregnancy, when the baby was born he wasn't a good dad and we ended up separating. DD is 15 nearly 16 now, he has no contact with her and refuses to pay maintenance.

Abortion is something I could never do, do but if it's what you want, just make sure you're 110% sure, because considering your age and you're perimenopausal, you may no be able to get pregnant again. I'm 42 and pregnant now but if you look at the TTC 40+ threads there are so many women age 40 or over who've been trying for years and can't get pregnant.

As others have suggested, I think seeing a councillor would be a good idea and tell your partner the Christmas fete is the least of your worries and you need to have a proper discussion about the baby.

Why on earth men say they want a baby and then change their mind when their partner gets pregnant is beyond me 😱

Good luck

What a bastard he's being trying to keep his options open trying to keep sitting on that fence even though you are now pregnant and your options are narrowing
now that we expect men to step up and take a fair share of the burden of parenting suddenly lots of them seem much less keen to be parents 🙄
So sorry that you're in this 'rock and a hard place' situation OP💐

The clock has been sped up and he can't get his head around it quickly. Give him a chance! You have done this twice before with another man and it's all new to him, he is bound to be nervous and unsure what to do.

OP, I feel so sorry for you in this situation.

If I were you, I would forget completely about him and focus on yourself and your two children.

The plain reality is, Do you want to be a single parent to a baby again.

He might step up, he might not. Personally I wouldn't be trusting.

He has nothing to lose.

You have so much.

"Hoping" he'll step up is no basis for being a single parent again.

Protect yourself. Protect your two children.

Take back the power in this situation.

Focus on how the hell you would juggle another baby on your own. Is that really the future you want at this point, starting over again.

I think if you listen to your gut. You will know.

Wishing you the very best💐

It probably didn't help that you told him by phone either, you've made it "your news" instead of "our news". If he stays with you this will be his one and only baby, what a way to find out.

What's wrong with finding out over the phone??

It might be a shock over the phone. Wouldn’t you tell your partner in person usually? It seems impersonal to do it on a phone call rather than waiting & having a surprise in person.

Why is he so shocked. What did he think would happen after having unprotected sex? Let's do that now and worry about the consequences in two years time? Dont work like that!!

Tell him to be clear what he wants, sounds like he will leave you in the lerch at some point anyway

My DH has never been the emotional type when it's come to my pregnancies (although we have never had to discuss termination etc) however he is a brilliant dad. He might not know how to express himself well and perhaps he's slightly nervous in becoming too attached in case something goes wrong (I can be like this at the beginning, not really wanting to talk about it). I think you're doing the right thing though in forcing him to be clear with what he wants.

Oh come on PP's. This is a 33 year old man we're talking about that agreed to TTC and not a little boy that needs his hand held and a commotion over finding out or one that was using protection and really thought pregnancy wouldn't happen and needed to be told gently. He was well aware of what might happen and telling him over the phone really would make zero difference to someone so immature.

He's the type of person that doesn't think there's actions to consequences. Unprotected sex must mean a child eventually just not right now. His partner took a while to conceive before so he'll just agree to TTC then assume the same result will happen again. How dumb do you actually have to be to think like that? What is happening in the next 6 months to 2 years or so that will suddenly make him ready to be a father? Any sane person would say no I don't want a child right now so let's use protection until I do feel ready. Who agrees to TTC when they don't want a child? Reckless and irresponsible people really if we're being honest.

If he's saying he just needs to get his head around it and he'll be fine with it once he does, fair enough. But if his agreement to something then backing out results in the OP getting a termination then he is nothing short of an absolute dickhead that has helped create something just to cast it aside and that is low and cruel

Telling him over the phone is fine in the context that they were TTC.

This happened to my friend. They had talked about a baby for ages, she was getting older and had said they needed to crack on because it would probably take a while. She got pregnant first month of trying and he went into shock. He wasn't excited, kept saying it would probably go wrong and generally was behaving like it was the worst thing to ever happen to him. She was really confused and upset and started second guessing everything, every time they had talked about it, was he actually happy or just trying to make her happy.

They went to the first scan and the instant he saw the baby he was fine and got really excited, kept saying he couldn't believe it all the way home. She was really hurt though still and I think they had some counselling to help them work through it all.

He is the most devoted dad ever now and says he doesn't know why he panicked so much. He said he had imagined it all in his head, the months of waiting and hoping and then suddenly that was all disrupted. Another friend in a similar situation but in that case she was the one who freaked out, she almost booked a termination because she suddenly felt overwhelmed and like it was too much, too soon.

I hope it works out for you, but it does sound like he is shocked. I do know another couple where the father was a bit detached until the scan too and was never as excited as she was because she could feel the baby moving etc. He is also a fab father now.

Hi OP,

35 weeks today. DP and I were not TTC, but found out I was 4 weeks pregnant just after we bought our first home (which was a big change in itself).

My partner (26) and I (28) had always thought we would have children later in life and always used protection, so safe to say it was a SHOCK.

My partner admittedly does not react to change well and he absolutely freaked out when he found out, he barely spoke to me for two weeks, said he didn't want children and we were not financially ready (we have saved around £10k since finding out!). He was devastated as this was not part of 'the plan'. We discussed abortion but as this is something I have had before (when I was 17) and to be honest I think it mentally damaged me for a while and although I considered my options wisely and fundamentally believe in abortions for all, on this occasion it didn't feel right. Even is DP wanted to leave, I felt I could manage. DP and I spoke and I told him that I would not be terminating the pregnancy and he has two options, stay and accept or leave.

He chose to stay and over the next weeks he very very slowly started to converse with me about the baby, 'do you think I'll be a good dad?' 'Have you thought about what we are going to call him?' Etc. Whereas a few weeks prior he would have turned a blind eye. After a month he first said he was happy and now he reads to our son every single night before we go to bed, has been involved in decorating the nursery, has been to every single scan with me, has bought me a green pea and my folic acid every morning and massages me every night.

I know it doesn't go this way for all, but it might be similar to my partner where he just needs some time to adjust and to come to terms with the change that is to come.

Remember, whatever he does, do what is right for you. Best wishes OP.

Sorry for the radio silence - I was at the xmas fete with my kids having a lovely time! Youve given me lots to think about. I do think I need to be firm here and ask for a change otherwise I am just setting myself up for a had decision later and later.

Glad to hear that, Take.

Remember, there's no rush. Explore all your options fully and go with what feels right for you and your kids. Whether that's with him or without. It'll all work out for the best, it'll just take a bit of time to get there.

Hi Jamais, I am so impressed with your confidence and equilibrium!!! You never cease to amaze me with the speed with which you recover from wobbles either, these days. I’m looking at you for inspiration.
Thanks for asking about me. We have our counseling session tomorrow, and I am going to announce that I have a subject that needs to be covered if we are to continue. (I had a brainstorm with a good friend about this the other day). I will discuss the A) Betrayal. B) Hypocrisy C) Gaslighting -he keeps trying to turn this into my problem with her. D) Him handballing it to me to fix. E) Her discussing this with everyone else to campaign her innocence.
If I don’t get to have this conversation. I will assume that there is no point.

Oops! Sorry!!! Mumsnet is glitchy and must have jumped to previous one!! Sorry OP!!!

It's 5 days.
It's a shock.
Stop talking about it for a few days.
FWIW both DP and I were more shocked than excited with each pregnancy I've had. We adore our children! Everyone processes things differently.

Oh yes Hero, we talked about that if I didnt want / couldnt have a baby that we wouldnt last / would break up as it was that important to him

It appears he threatened you into getting pregnant.

The other possibility is that he never expected you to get pregnant and would have used that as an excuse to leave the relationship.

Neither of these things is good.

If, as is likely if you have a third DC, you become a single parent of 3, it could be hard to WoH. You’re not married, so unless you have plenty of money that’s important.

@Takeonmeeeeeeeee, you've been in my thoughts... How are you?

Well this didn’t end well. As predicted by you lovely lot he didn’t actually want the baby. Moved out. I went ahead with the termination. I desperately didn’t want to. Now he wants to try again at the relationship. I just feel numb. He doesn’t understand why I’m in tears: apparently it just needs time to heal. I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same but I came back to update and to say thanks for the advice. Got to start back at the beginning now. Feel desperately sad about how everything turned out but trying to find my big girl pants x