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Original poster

Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

206 replies

Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:09

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

OP posts:
FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 28/12/2019 13:18

I'd reduce contact with him. He's an ex. I'd be livid at the idea that I need fixing or we need fixing. He did an unforgivable thing by deceiving you. He actively participated in ttc. Surely you can't heal while he's still poking around your life.

Catkin8 · 28/12/2019 13:22

I'm really sorry things didn't work out as hoped OP. I think it would be a big mistake to let him back into your life now.

Princessfaffalot · 28/12/2019 13:29

I’m so sorry OP. Please don’t take him back. X

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/12/2019 13:49

Bloody hell!

He really thinks he can walk back into your life after a quiet moment and that will be sticking plaster enough to cover his utter selfishness?

What does he think you are? A bloody toy that he can put down and pick up again as he feels like?

He has utterly head fucked you and wants back in for a kiss and make up?

You have to tell him to piss off, his selfishness, thoughtlessness has shown him up. You could never trust a word he says! Or forgive him for what he forced you into!

Bloody stupid fuckwitted infantile twat!

HJWT · 28/12/2019 13:53

Close that door Op! Put a bolt on it and never open it again.

See your doctor and start your life again with the 2 beautiful blessings you already have! I really hope you feel better soon and get some closure. You did the right thing ❤️

Tippexy · 28/12/2019 13:54

I don’t want to be a single mum. Been there.

Then - kindly - why did you choose to procreate with someone who hasn't committed to you?

This relationship is probably not going to end well. You have to decide whether or not YOU want another child. You're in control now.

Lillygolightly · 28/12/2019 13:59

OMG I would want to rip his effing head off!!!

Yeah sure the bastard wants you back....now that he’s got what he wanted (you not pregnant anymore) he is a disgusting piece of good for nothing that I wouldn’t piss on if he was on fire!!!

The cheek of him to put all of it on you, fuck off, let you fret so much that you went through a termination alone and then have the audacity to say he wants to get back together after your fixed!!! The only think that would be fixed, is him...permanently!!!

My gosh @Takeonmeeeeeeeee you must be so very sad and so very very angry. I’m so sorry Flowers

I wouldn’t give that bastard the time of day, he’d never clap eyes on me again, hear my voice or get the chance to waste another second of my time or headspace.

Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 14:07

You aren't a mug, you didn't get it wrong. HE was on board TTC. Why would you question him saying he did want a baby. It's a pretty black and white question and answer.

I don't know if it would be possible for you to ever trust him again after this. I'd really think long and hard about taking back someone capable of causing you so much pain.

Sorry you had to go through all this x

Proudownerofplants · 28/12/2019 14:15

What he did is unforgivable. Block him on everything. Don't let him slip back in while you're vulnerable.

ProfessorPootle · 28/12/2019 14:26

This is one of the worst scenarios I’ve ever read on mn, I’m so very sorry for the situation you found yourself in through no fault of your own.

He needs to understand that his behaviour was and is totally unacceptable. What he has done and is still doing is unforgivable. There is no way of getting past how he has acted. The fact that he thinks he can come crawling back after treating you in that way shows what a selfish turd he is. He has shown his true colours, for your own sanity please cut contact with him, there is only misery ahead with this useless arsehole man in your life. This is behaviour he feels was appropriate because it centred him and his needs, he didn’t care about you or the baby. This is who he is. The fact he doesn’t think it’s a big deal will only hurt you further. Please go to the GP to arrange for counselling and help with your recovery.

I’m so sorry this manipulative bastard man child put you through this Flowers

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 28/12/2019 14:27

tippexy please rtft before posting something like that. In light of the OP's most recent update, your remark is extremely unkind.

OP, I'm really sorry that this man has turned out to be such a selfish prick. Please don't let him come back. I can't believe he even suggested trying again after he explicitly told you he didn't want the baby which you were already pregnant with. Can you block him completely? He doesn't need to have any part in your kids' lives for any reason?

jayho · 28/12/2019 14:43

Oh Take I'm so sorry.

I'll share a cautionary tale which may help you accept you made a wise decision and have probably had a lucky escape.

I was in a relationship with someone and we decided to marry and that we would like a child. We were both forty, I had one teenage child from a previous relationship he had none. We expected it to take ages if at all. I fell pregnant the first time we had unprotected sex.

He didn't freak out but, with the benefit of hindsight and Mumsnet, started to wave red flags at me.

He was late for my abnormality scan (apologies if that's the wrong word) which he knew I was extremely anxious about. At the hospital in London he complained about the number of EM people in the waiting room. When we got the scan results he 'talked up' the possibility of abnormality when it was incredibly low.

There's a catalogue of incidents and I should have run a mile, I think he was hoping to convince me to dump him but I was all generous earth mother accepting that he had never been here before, excusing him on this basis.

Fast forward to the end of the pregnancy. He got himself admitted to a private hospital on a pretext four days before my due date. He has a medical condition and claimed it had flared up. He only discharged himself when a doctor shamed him by pointing out that I needed more care than him and he should get out of bed.....

He sabotaged my labour. He decided that a sensible thing would be to take my son to his parents while I gave birth, they lived two hours drive away. When I went into labour at midnight, I said it would be more sensible to ask a local fried or neighbour to look after him (he was 14 so would be fine alone in the house overnight. He insisted on sticking to the original plan so left me alone, in labour, aged 41 by then and 30 mins from the nearest hospital, for nearly 5 hours. He said it was my fault for going over my due date.

When we got to hospital he refused to support me using the pre-booked birthing pool. He objected to me being mobile and agreed with the mid-wife that I should take pain relief which I had clearly stated I did not want. I ended up having pethidine and vomiting and shitting myself for the rest of my labour....... There are loads of pictures of our baby in hospital but they are all of him or the midwife with him, none of me.... I wanted a special moment to introduce my son to his new sibling but as he was with the in-laws they all came in at once.

I could go on through the next five years until I finally saw sense and left him but you get the picture. From what you've written about your ex I think you nearly had one of these. I'm so sorry for your loss you made a sensible decision but i know that it hurts.

Apologies for the essay but hope it helps a little.

midep · 28/12/2019 15:41

I would never get back with him in your shoes OP. One day in the future he will want a child again, when it's too late for you. This is what happened to a friend of mine, he left her and had several children with a much younger woman, my friend was destroyed, while he played happy families elsewhere.

Thatnameistaken · 28/12/2019 16:16

He broke the relationship OP, why would you 'fix' the relationship only to have him break it again? And he will, that's certain.

Pinkybutterfly · 28/12/2019 16:57

So sorry op xxxxx focus in Ur little ones and kick out the fucker. I couldn't live someone who didn't stop me or support me to continue with the pregnancy

ScreamingLadySutch · 28/12/2019 17:09

Got to put my cards on the table, I'm not keen on children outside marriage.

Marriage is, literally, men putting their £££££ on the block.

There is NO greater statement of love and commitment.

The wokes, the screamers and the social justices can screech all they like, but until a man puts his £££££ where his is? [yes people, commitment is REAL] - any hole is a goal

"a woman can fake an orgasm. A man can fake a whole relationship'

Junie70 · 28/12/2019 17:21

I'm really sad to read your update, and think you really need to see your GP. No wonder you're struggling.

He was never "in" this relationship like you were.

Move on, and find someone worthy of your love Flowers

BaolFan · 28/12/2019 18:59

I'd send him one message back before blocking him:

There is no "us" and there is no "fix". You let me down and you lied to me. By doing so you completely destroyed any trust that I had in you and as a result, I don't ever want to see you again. Stop contacting me.

LL83 · 28/12/2019 19:18

What he has done is awful! You have made the hardest choice and for what it is worth I would have felt the same. You have seen his true colours do not take him back. He is the most selfish person I have read about for a while. If he does want a baby in 5 years he would leave you to do it.

MsPepperPotts · 28/12/2019 23:11

There are no words for some men behaviour towards their partners.
He is beyond awful, selfish, nasty, cruel, evil and a total bastard.
What he has done to you is beyond awful.
Why his mother thinks any of this is ok is beyond me.
As other pps have suggested tell him there is no "us to fix" and just to fuck off.
Please look after yourself and your DCs Flowers

candative · 28/12/2019 23:37

You need to cut contact with him now to protect yourself. You did the right thing for you, with his level of maturity you would have become a single mum again for sure. His betrayal can't be fixed. That he thinks you could try again tells you everything.

I am so sorry at how this turned out for you. Thanks

PinkiOcelot · 28/12/2019 23:56

I’m so sorry to read your updates OP.

Personally, I don’t think this can be ‘fixed’. What happens when he decides he is grown up enough to want a baby but time isn’t on your side? He’d trade you in for a younger model?! I don’t trust this manchild.
Unmumsnetty hugs for you xx

travellover · 29/12/2019 00:01

I got pregnant first time and even though it was much wanted and very planned I completely freaked out and couldn't get my head around it - I thought I'd have months of waiting! It's normal, give him abit of time it's still very early days Smile

Rubyroost · 29/12/2019 00:06

We were trying and when I first got pregnant my boyfriend said he needed a walk. He needed to get his head around it, despite us planning it. I miscarried and second time, he was not really that excited. Third time was the same, ended in loss and then then this time round well we were both cautious. He's a great dad and loves being a dad. I don't know about your particular circumstance as I am nit there to witness your ohs behaviour. Perhaps just give him a bit of time to get used to the idea?

Rubyroost · 29/12/2019 00:08

Oh shit! Sorry just read your updates, so sorry to hear that sending hugs x