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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

206 replies

Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:09

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 29/12/2019 00:09

Travel it's a bit late for that.
OP look after yourself Flowers

FrivolousPancake · 29/12/2019 00:14

My own rule of thumb is that there’s no way I’d bring a baby into the world that I wouldn’t gladly raise alone.

So much in life can ebb and flow and I wouldn’t make such a huge decision based on someone else’s word.

FrivolousPancake · 29/12/2019 00:16

Shit OP I didn’t RTFT, sorry.

I would have done the same in your shoes, I hope you’re ok xx

Mom2K · 29/12/2019 00:22

Oh OP...I've just read this thread and your updates. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and no - none of it is your fault. He created this situation and it was an entirely selfish and abusive thing to do. I hope you are able to talk this through with someone to help you through it and please sever all contact with that vile man. There's no way you could ever trust him again and he has shown his true side. He only cares for himself and doesn't have any respect or decency toward anyone else

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 29/12/2019 20:47

Thank you all. Your words are really making me strong. He’s calling lots but I’m just being greyrock.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 29/12/2019 20:52
Flowers
TheFaerieQueene · 29/12/2019 20:55

Greyrock is good. Don’t let him weasel his way back in. I’m sorry you are going through this. 💐

BaolFan · 29/12/2019 21:04

Block his number. Seriously, do it.

Maydayredalert · 29/12/2019 21:08

I'm so sorry O/P.

Grey rock and block him. New year soon and new start etc.

ineedaholiday11 · 29/12/2019 21:25

Just remember you cant rely on him or trust him not to abandon you again. Take care of yourself.

Interestedwoman · 30/12/2019 19:22

:( :( :( So sorry you went through this.

OMG. I would tell him to fuck off. Making you go through something like that, and then trying to saunter back in like nothing's happened.

Yes, please see your doctor and maybe get some counselling as well as meds. If something doesn't work, keep going back and letting them know how you feel. There are loads of things they can try, and they will hit on something that's right for you. Look after yourself. Hugs xxxx

sage46 · 30/12/2019 20:11

How can he expect you to feel the same about him after this shameful and cowardly behavior. I don't usually like telling people what to do but please don't entertain taking this excuse for a man back. How many pregnancies or terminations would you have to go through before this man -child decides he is ready to be a father. Stay strong , you deserve far better.

deepwatersolo · 30/12/2019 20:30

My DH when we were married was overjoyed.

Which goes to prove that there are no guarantees in life. Just sayin'.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/12/2019 20:42

I’d advocate blocking him. He is an utter cunt.

mcmooberry · 30/12/2019 21:38

Aw I am so sorry I didn't see your post at the beginning so started reading today, saw it was from November and hoped for a happy ending. Awful behaviour from him when you were actually ttc, it wasn't an accidental pregnancy. I believe you did the right thing as I strongly suspect he wouldn't have come round to it and the risk of having the whole emotional and financial burden of parenthood on your own was too great. Maybe it's the age gap, maybe his family have influenced him, maybe he thinks he's got all the time in the world for a baby who knows but he wasn't happy and he walked away. To suggest you might try again in the future is to add insult to injury. I absolutely understand how lonely and miserable it can be on your own, children aren't adult company, but I would urge you not to let him back in your life, he has hurt you once, he'll do it again. Wishing you all the best for the future, I know you can't see it now but you'll be happy again definitely and be glad you don't have permanent ties to someone like him.

Rose87777 · 30/12/2019 22:49

Dear OP, please please go and get some counselling for what you have been through in the last 2 months. I am so very sorry to read all this and sorry that this excuse for a man let you down so much. Flowers

deepwatersolo · 31/12/2019 15:49

OP, I did not read your update until now. You are right to ignore him. Considering that he does want a biological child somewhen down the road and at the same time did not want this child, you can already predict the next act of this relationship if you hang in there, 5 or 10 years down the road: The point when he will leave you for someone who can give him a child, something - alas - you are unfortunately too old for by then.
Don't take this loser back.

mummyje20 · 31/12/2019 15:54

My partner was incredibly shocked when we found out. Same situation; we thought it would take a long time and it happened in the first month.
I'm now 5 months and he's very happy. It's a lot to take in. Give it time and hear him out when he's ready to talk.
Good luck xx

mummyje20 · 31/12/2019 15:55

Oh no- that teaches me to RTFT- I'm so sorry xx

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 04/01/2020 08:58

Thanks everyone. Sorry for not updating. I’ve contacted some counsellors. My head is such a mess. He seems ok about the abortion and that kills me. I keep forgetting and then it comes back to me. I can’t forgive him - you are all right. I’ve tried.

OP posts:
Emmapeeler1 · 04/01/2020 09:15

I am so sorry you have been through all this OP. Your DP has acted horribly towards you, and I hope you do NOT let him back into your life. You and your kids deserve better than this treatment. Based on how he has behaved over this I honestly think it was the right thing for you and for your existing kids not to have a child with this man. I hope counselling helps. Flowers

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 09:20

As the relationship is over, why is he still contacting you? Block him.

I think he wants a child, but not yet and time isn't in your side, so he might have felt under pressure to agree TTC.

I don't think his family were wrong in saying he should do what's right for him...if his heart wasn't in it and it clearly wasn't, bringing a baby into the world would have been a very bad idea...ultimately impacting on you and your children...because he would just bugger off and leave you as a single parent.

Don't allow him back in your life.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 04/01/2020 09:23

See what your saying sandy if it were said prior to the pregnancy, but a planned baby? Makes the &£&!s in my book. Pure indulgence of a self centred and unacceptable attitude. I wouldn’t be telling my son the same thing!

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 04/01/2020 09:29

So sorry to read this update. What a horrible man. You deserve so much better. Although the circumstances are very sad it is probably a good thing that he has shown his true colours now rather than further down the line.

Howyiz · 04/01/2020 09:32

I think @BeckyButters called it first day. He was setting up his exit strategy. Now that you have terminated he thinks he may as well go back to his comfy life while he waits for a better offer.
He is a complete and utter wanker!