Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

[Takeonmeeeeeeeee]

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

I got pregnant really quickly with No. 4, 15 years later my husband still mentions how surprised he was it happened so quickly. For lots of people, even those trying, it's a big shock and suddenly very real. I'd be inclined to stay calm and just take each day as it comes, being so panicked won't help him calm down and get used to such a big change.

I didnt assure him. I said it might take longer. It had in the past.

Prawns - I didnt say abortion was Evil. I said I personally hadnt ever thought I'd have one. Every woman's opinion is different. And indeed there is no black and white. Your tone is interesting but thanks for the advice anyway.

He's being ridiculous. I'd give him an ultimatum- either step up, accept there's a baby and stop acting like a child, or own up to the fact he wasn't ready, made an irresponsible decision and to leave.

Whether you have the baby or not is your choice and entirely your choice. However, whatever your decision he needs to be there for you, or get out. He's not a young teen- he's in his thirties. There's no excuse for acting so pathetically.

All this shit about going to his brothers to think about it is simply an emotional ploy to make you do what he wants and for him to get attention. No one needs to leave their home to "think".

Tbh not sure why every man should know this when not every woman has a firm grasp on their own fertility cycle

You’re not sure why a man should know if he has unprotected sex there could be a pregnancy?

Ah man. This is so hard. I want to believe he’s just a little shocked it happened so quickly, but his response doesn’t scream ‘man who really wants baby’ to me. This comment though:

Inhad some pain at first and he kept saying ‘it probably won’t last’. All subtle things that tell me he’s not in this.

Made me wonder if he’s at all scared to get invested/excited in case it goes wrong? But I guess you’d sense that or he’d say it. Plus I do think while it’s of course important for him to be open about his feelings, pregnancy is one of those times where a decent partner will step up and deal with their own feelings alone so they can be a strong support for the person who is pregnant. I don’t like that he’s willing to put you through this awful stress while you’re the one pregnant and who will ultimately either go through pregnancy and birth or a termination.

We expected it to take ages due to endometriosis and only having one Fallopian tube but we got pregnant the first month too, even though we were both expecting a long process and possibly fertility treatment we were both completely over the moon and couldn’t believe our luck. That’s how someone responds imo when they really want and are ready for a baby! Though I also read of people who wanted and planned a baby freaking out when it happens so I know that can happen too... I just can’t at all empathise with that experience, we were so ready for a child by the time we started TTC we actively wanted it to happen as soon as possible. Of course we went through the ‘woah, this is huge!’ but in a good way.

We did try and kinda keep realistic though and remember that it might not end well so I can see how we might have thought the other wasn’t happy about it due to reining in the excitement, but with good communication surely that’s something you can convey.

This really sucks OP. Has he outright said he thinks you’ve both made a mistake? What’s his reply when you ask him if he wants this baby or wants a termination?

My DH was a bit like that when I told him I was pregnant. The first time I had an inkling, I mentioned it and he said no way, I couldn’t be! I was!! He just doesn’t show his emotions very much. He also couldn’t bring himself to tell his parents (we were married with our own house). Second time, we conceived straight away which made him grumpy!
It was most odd, but I think that some men just take a long time to process this information and think of all the things they will be missing out on and not the lovely news that they’re having a baby.
Fast forward a few years - we celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year and he is a lovely dad to our 2dcs.
It could just be that he’s a bit slow to show emotions. Give him a chance to explain. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply Pepe - the suggestion he leave for a while is mine. He just doesnt want to talk about it as he's too freaked out. Well, great, but I dont think pretending everything is ok any burying head in sand playing happy families is appropriate any more. I agree hes being ridiculous.

Price:

"This really sucks OP. Has he outright said he thinks you’ve both made a mistake? What’s his reply when you ask him if he wants this baby or wants a termination?"

He says he doesn't want to terminate and he never said he doesn't want it. But he cannot and refuses to say he actively wants it.

Thanks Flamingo - aww. Glad he turned out to be a good dad. See, alos I dont want to throw the baby out with the bath water if its just a freak out.

Sound like a very high risk strategy just waiting to see though.

Apologies I read earlier you said you were quote “against abortion”

To answer someone earlier not every unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy. You are only fertile during a window of days. yes we should prepare that every encounter could, because ovulation can be unreliable so This is why it is said, but it isn’t actually correct.

I don't think I could forgive someone for making me feel so crap when this is a time you should be celebrating.........

He doesn't want kids, OP. Don't listen to all the "he's in shock" crap, he's 33 not 18 and he agreed to trying.

I wouldn't make any decisions quickly, but I would ask him to leave so you can make the right decision for you. Either way, I'd end the relationship. He's unreliable at best.

For myself Prawns. Not anyone else.

Oh ok sorry, I misread & thought this was a stance you had. It sucks he has taken the joy out of this for you. I would give him 1 week to get his head sorted. But the comment about miscarrying would have me reconsidering things

Ouch.

Well if he can’t say he wants this baby, and you give him a couple of weeks for you both to think things over, I think you’d be right to either end the relationship and have the baby as a single parent or have a termination. I would perhaps make an appointment with an abortion organisation/your GP for a couple weeks from now so you have it ready to go and can cancel if you don’t need it. But don’t make any rash decisions just yet unless you’re 100% certain. For some women just his unreliability and wishy washiness would be reason enough not to want to go through having a baby together tbh. I don’t know I could ever fully trust or feel he had my back.

This is why it is said, but it isn’t actually correct

That sex can equal pregnancy is known by everyone. A man cannot have unprotected sex and then be surprised. Unless he’s a dick.

Thanks all. I appreciate every comment. I think the booking an appointment is a good one. I will make it for week after next. To be honest I dont see how I cold trust him not to do this again in a few months, at the birth, when he/she is here. You are right. He is unreliable.

But he hasn't left. He hasn't asked you to have an abortion. HE's still there, just having an emotional reaction. He's entitled to his feelings, his actions tell you he's still here. That sounds reliable to me.

Are there other problems in the relationship?

He's a person too, it's a big change. All he's said is his head is a mess, in the 5 days you've known you are pregnant. Doesn't he deserve the benefit of the doubt?

Takeonmeeeeeeeee

Have you thought about getting counselling as a couple, not regarding the pregnancy issue, but I think your relationship is going to be fundamentally changed now

I'm 39 in a week or so and also pregnant (11 weeks). I have two boys of my own - 9 and 12 - but this will be fiancé's first bio child.

We were advised by our GP to start trying sooner rather than later because of my age and, like you, I fell pg the first month of trying!

Both OH and I were expecting it to take longer and we have both been guarded I would say in our reaction to the positive test as a) I have history of mc and b) Due to my age. Obviously we are pleased but also anxious at the same time if that makes sense?

Also, I kind of forgot that this is all completely new to my fiancé. He was quite overwhelmed with all of the info and things going on at the booking in appt, bless him. It's very different for me as I've had three booking in appts prior to this one (albeit some years ago!)

He is a bit worried because he has no prior experience of babies so I've reassured him he'll make a great daddy and that I'll be there to help support him.

Perhaps your OH is feeling a little shocked and a bit overwhelmed? It might just take him a little time to process everything?

Meant to add, OH will be 44 when baby is born so he definitely won't be a young daddy, but still a first-time one.

What's he like with other big life changes. Is he someone who needs to think things through slowly etc. Does he like to make the decisions etc?
I think he needs the shock of moving out.

He needs to grow up! You need to tell him straight away how you are feeling and tough shit if he doesn't want to listen. Tell him you are having thoughts of abortion because of his reaction.

I’m furious for you OP. Personally I think his comment about “it probably won’t last” comes from his wish it wasn’t happening.

I don’t know how you can come back from this and embrace the relationship, even if he does swing back to being fully supportive and positive (which feels unlikely). He needs to be your rock right now, and yet he’s whinging, self-absorbed, deceitful, immature.

He needs to leave and he needs to know exactly what the stakes are: ‘you have a week to think about this; if I terminate our relationship is over.’ Force him to look at the truth. The way he wants to bumble along having dinner and pretending nothing is happening is another sign he is a terrible bet as a partner. Because this is how he will respond in any difficult circumstance - illness, crisis of any kind - selfishly, putting his head in the sand, not taking responsibility.

Sorry OP it’s crap

He's had 5 days to get over the shock & be pleased imo.

Husband & I aren't over emotional about stuff-we neither of us cried when I was pregnant/gave birth.

But we were both early 30s & old enough to make a serious life changing decision & stick to it.

I should imagine that this has put you right off him Op & the thought off having to be tied to him for the next 18yrs must be daunting.