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Original poster

Newly pregnant - DP is 'freaked out': what should I do??

206 replies

Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 10/11/2019 08:09

Hi all,
Hoping for some advice. Bit of background: I've been with my DP for 3 years. I am 39, he is 33. I have two children from a previous relationship who adore him. We have lived together for past 1 1/2 years.

We started TTC last month. Given my age, and the fact that I'm perimenopausal, and 10 years ago it took a long time to concieve, we thought it would take a long time. It didnt. First month. His reaction has kind of thrown me into crisis. He doesnt really want to talk about it. Theres been no smile yay/happy, wow feeling.

He's said plenty of things about feeling like his life is being turned upside down and that hes scared and its a lot to take on. I feel like my head is spinning. This is a baby we both wanted - or so I thought!

Im only 4+3 so very early, but now I'm wondering if this was all a mistake and in actual fact a termination would be the best thing all round. I found out I was pregnant 5 days ago (ovulate v v early) and not once has he said he is pleased or acted in a way that says he is actively wanting this baby. I've tried to say this to him and his reaction was 'Well I didnt say I didnt want it. My head is just a mess'.

Added to that I dont think he realises the severity of this.

I feel like time is ticking to make a decision - I suggested he stay at his brothers house for a week to get some clarity on how he feels. We are meant to go to a xmas fete today and all he keeps saying is that it would be a shame to miss that which makes me fume!!

Am I being unreasonable to think that theres a strong possibility he might actually do a runner on me at some point - in which case I would rather terminate? Thing is, I know our relationship wouldnt survive a termination. I wouldnt/couldn't be with him after that.

Any words of wisdom hugely appreciated. Sorry for the ramble - a bit tearful right now.

OP posts:
TinDogTavern · 28/12/2019 12:02

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. You must be feeling heartbroken. Be kind to yourself. Thanks

cheesewitheverything · 28/12/2019 12:15

So sorry to hear that, op. I didn't want to read and leave it so just hope messages of support from MN folk will help a little. Sending you a lot of hugs.

DorothyBastard · 28/12/2019 12:18

Gosh what a sad situation. I think you made the right decision to have a termination but I can imagine it was the hardest decision you ever made and one you didn’t want to make. And he created the circumstances which led to it by making you feel safe that he wanted a child and then pulling the rug from under your feet. You will work out what’s right for you regarding trying again with him, but if that was me I could never trust him again to be honest and truthful and keep me safe.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 28/12/2019 12:29

Exactly Dorothy. He doesn’t seem to feel sad about it. Keeps saying we can try again once ‘we are fixed’: I don’t think there is a fix after this. If there is, not sure I want it. I’m shaken to my core and I wish I’d have kept the baby and let him go. Although I didn’t do that because of putting my older two through such turmoil. He’s completely packed and left. Hasn’t seem my kids for weeks. Xmas was horrible. I’m trying to stay strong but it’s winded me.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 28/12/2019 12:30

So sorry for the outcome OP Flowers. Disturbing that he has crawled back now he has his own way. I want to tell you to run a mile tbh OP, you deserve more than what he has offered/done, and more than having to listen to his expectation that the whole thing was no big deal that can be forgotten about. How insulting of him.

ChristmasSweet · 28/12/2019 12:32

Please don't get back together with him. He is a coward, he doesn't deserve you.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/12/2019 12:34

What a selfish immature bastard he is. I really hope you don’t entertain his suggestion to ‘try again’. You could never trust him after this.

ineedaholiday11 · 28/12/2019 12:35

He abandoned you when you needed him. I don't think I could forgive that if it were me. I hope 2020 is a better year for you.

ineedaholiday11 · 28/12/2019 12:36

Also if you do get back together, is he going to move out every time he doesn't get his own way?

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 28/12/2019 12:38

I know Christmas - my head is screaming that. My life feels so empty. It’s literally deathly quiet. I’ve thrown away the scan photos and got A new diary which doesn’t include my due date, but it’s like my head is set to autopilot which counts in weeks.

He kept saying he wanted it and was just being stupid. Next morning - 3am. Can’t sleep. Need a termination. Next day: I’ve been a fool. I want the baby and so on. Exhausting. Ultimately I didn’t trust he wouldn’t have left me if I was having the baby or after. And now? I can’t shake th feeling I did something to cause it. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I might go see the dr. I’m finding it hard to sleep and my thoughts just seem on a loop n

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 28/12/2019 12:38

To put it mildly, I really do not like how he has treated you.
From all I have read he is not invested in the relationship in the same way as you. He likes how it benefits him (presumably you look after his needs well) but he isn't willing to sacrifice; not for you and not for a baby.
Moving out completely and then trying to get back together after such a huge change speaks of emotional immaturity.
You come across as a strong person, even if you may not be feeling that way now. I admire how you have handled the situation.
And really, I think you can do better than someone like this.
The fact you got pregnant so easily shows you still have time if you want it - hopefully even with someone who wants it, and you, too.

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 28/12/2019 12:41

I don’t think I could ever face his family again who, by all accounts, told him to ‘do what’s right for him’ which makes me rage: there were more people involved than just him, and I’m damn sure that if my son came to me on the same set of facts I’d be telling him to be a man and take responsibility for his actions. I couldn’t look them in the eye anymore.

OP posts:
ChristmasSweet · 28/12/2019 12:41

Definitely go and see the doctor. You caused nothing, he did all of this. He is the selfish prick that did this, and if he had any humanity about him he'd go crawling away like that pathetic fool he is. He is not worthy.

But you do need help, you are grieving that's why you feel numb. Same with not sleeping and your thoughts being on a loop, you are grieving for your lost child but you don't know how to do it.

madcatladyforever · 28/12/2019 12:41

What's wrong with him? he was happy to TTC and now isn't happy I can't be doing with this kind of about face. You either want a baby or you don't but please be honest about it right from the beginning.
There is nothing worse than a man saying he wants kids then you have to have a termination because now he doesn't. i wouldn't be able to get over that.

TheReef · 28/12/2019 12:52

The only question you need to answer is done YOU want this baby'? Make your decision on that....

Kit19 · 28/12/2019 12:53

Oh OP I’m so sorry to hear how things turned out

I wouldn’t respond to him let alone consider having him back in your life! He’s behaved unforgivably - he let you believe he was OK with you TTC & then abruptly changed his mind leaving you to go through a horribly difficult experience alone

You need to focus on you x

TheReef · 28/12/2019 12:55

Sorry OP Thanks my phone didn't load the rest of the responses

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 28/12/2019 12:59

Oh I’m so sorry. In order for you to heal, you need to be able to move on, without him. What a bastard.

TiddyTid · 28/12/2019 12:59

Don't let him back in your life OP. Too much has happened. There's no going back.

You need to focus on your well-being now and your children. Thanks

Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 28/12/2019 13:00

That’s ok the reef. I did want the baby but PT to be a single mum again or put my two through that. I want to break his heart into a million pieces but I know that’s not me. I’m not a hurtful person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takeonmeeeeeeeee · 28/12/2019 13:01

Yes bastard is right rumpole. Part of it is embarrassment that I got it so very wrong. I loved him so much. I’m a mug. And I feel like I don’t want to have been so very wrong.

OP posts:
JoGose · 28/12/2019 13:05

Definitely do not get back with him, he’s a grade A prick

SnowyUnicorns · 28/12/2019 13:17

Some things are unforgivable. To pressure your DP into aborting a baby that he agreed to TTC is one. The whole break up until you did what he wants and then wanting to fix your relationship is awful and incredibly controlling. I don't think you can move on with him from this. He has shown a complete lack of care and compassion for you, your body and your mental state. What a complete bastard Flowers

Rosequartz7 · 28/12/2019 13:17

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, my heart goes out to you. I don't think I could forgive someone that put me in the position he put you in or ever trust them again. Please make sure to look after yourself and allow yourself to grieve and seek support. Flowers

AnotherEmma · 28/12/2019 13:18

Oh OP Flowers
FWIW I think you did the right thing but I can understand that it's very painful.
Please please do not take him back! Cut all contact and block him on everything.
Enjoy the two lovely children that you have.
And give yourself plenty of time and TLC to move on from this experience
Flowers

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