Newish man and money comments...

[WhatTuesdayBacon]

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! )

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

He's tight. Not attractive.

Tight

Yep he's tight - the worst trait I think. You don't say how old you are or whether you want children at some point in the future, but if he's like this now over drinks and taxis, can you imagine what he'd be like when it came to costs during maternity leave or childcare.

He might be having trouble assessing your situation, as his is very different.
Have you mentioned any of this to him?

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound as though you're financially compatible.

Taking you to his choice of expensive bars and then expecting you to split the bill was ill thought out by him but I guess it's just another example of what he's looking for (financially) within a relationship - equality.

You sound very sensible with money and that is to be applauded. I just don't think you're in the same (financial at least) lifestage and unless he wants to pay for more than half of the lifestyle he wants to live with his partner, (which it doesn't sound he does - and fair enough, nothing wrong with wanting things to be on an equal footing)

I have no issue with him wanting to share costs as obviously women aren't kept objects anymore but in the context of wanting to 'take you' to these places then absolutely he should be paying. He sounds tight and like he really over thinks these things and that's not a nice character trait.

I have a good job so it is possible he thinks I have more money than I do. I’m only a couple of years in so the salary isn’t what it is ten years down the line which is probably what he compares with in his own age bracket. But that just makes me cross really because it shouldn’t be about that, IMO. He should have manners anyway and asking me if I can afford the cinema? Sorry what?!

Yes the point about children really concerns me.

I’ve not told him, no. I feel in a difficult situation because if I mention it there’s no way to say it without it then actually sounding like I’m expecting him to pay.

He’s like this at such an early stage that warning bells are ringing . He won’t become any more generous believe me. If you can live with it fine but his smug attitude about being financially secure while “lesser” mortals struggle will really grate on you over time .

Sorry, posted too soon.

Meant to add that I've been on both sides. Both having to regularly sub someone else in order to do the things we wanted to do and having to be regularly subbed by my partner to do the things we wanted to do. Neither worked for me, regardless of how generous I tend to be or how it didn't bother my partner when he was the one paying more.

It depends on whether he's acquired being 'tight' as a habit, in order to pay off his mortgage, or whether he's paid off his mortgage because he's tight and doesn't spend.

Which do you think it is, OP?

Sounds like a miser to me. No fun living with a miser I wouldn't think. He could also potentially be a touch sexist, believing that women are after his money.
Either way at this early stage it either needs to be discussed openly and resolved or I'd just move on.
Who has time for that shit?

That does sound very unattractive.

On the cinema example, I thought he sounded reasonable, in having listened to the fact you had mentioned you were living on a budget and being considerate to your means before deciding on the cinema. And I think it could be considered a positive that he made it clear before you committed that you'd each be paying your own way. It's often one of those things people wish they'd clarified in advance (per your later examples).

If there are no other negative points, I would talk to him about it, as it might be that he doesn't want to offend you by paying for you as you're independent and you don't know each other that well. If he thought you were offended by the cinema question, perhaps he didn't want to offend you again by asking if you could afford subsequent dates.

That said, mismatched attitudes to money can ruin an otherwise great relationship so I'd definitely move on from him if it's not just a misunderstanding.

Agree, tight, smug and annoying.

Adios imo

I’m not really asking him to sub me though. Just to be polite and have manners. I also don’t class a potential cinema ticket as ‘subbing.’ Christ alive I’m sure most people in professional jobs can afford two cinema tickets, I know I could!!!

zap I’m not sure to be honest. He has much less ‘family money’ than me and this has been mentioned in jest which I don’t like either.

Especially as the family money isn’t my money and I don’t have access to it so it’s actually irrelevant

Longines with the cinema I just found it odd that if he really thought I couldn’t pay for it, why on earth wouldn’t you just say oh I’ll get the cinema tickets. I’ve bought cinema tickets for my friends plenty of times when I’ve known they’ve been in a less good financial situation than me. It’s all relative I know, but come on, what’s 15-20 quid if you’re on more than 50k? It just seems so penny pinching and unattractive...

Sounds like you are both financially incompatible, the age gap probably has something to do with that, he should pay for the odd meal/drinks out now and then though, you should ask him about is long term financial plans, he may well have a plan to retire at say 50 and if he is with someone who can not do that then there will obviously be alot of resentment there further along the line if ones working and the other is not

There’s a reason he’s paid off his mortgage early. I’d rather have a longer term manageable mortgage and be generous than have everything paid off and obsess over every penny.

Maybe time to have a talk about money.
Tell him no more expensive bars as you think it is a waste, but it he really wants to go he pays.
Tell him you don't need drinks to feel good, like driving, so would rather have value for money.

Our first official date he had tickets already - for him and ex before they split - we had drinks that I paid for. Felt a bit off to me.
Married and he is still a tight git. Unattractive ime...

There's being sensible with money, and there's being tight. This guy would suck all the joy and spontaneity out of your life. Chuck him.

I don’t personally have anything against someone trying to pay off a mortgage as early as possible. I kind of get that (I’d rather have spare cash but I do get how it’s a sensible choice).

The irony is that had he shown willing to pay I wouldn’t have accepted. But now it’s become a bigger thing. The cinema thing has just made me question it all.

OP I get it and yes he's tight.

Most folks, male or female wouldn't even mention money for a poxy cinema ticket, and certainly wouldn't jump in to ensure you split the bill. It's usually a casual I'll get this and then naturally you'd get the next one.

A big bill for say a dinner would necessitate a convo about splitting the bill, but again most fair minded folks would just throw in their half without having to mention anything.

It's the eagerness to spell it out to you that's so unattractive and miserly.

I also remembered he says on a regular basis that he doesn’t like waste. I thought that was just good sense but maybe it is a wider characteristic about attitude to spending in general.

My first serious boyfriend was like this. (Not older and financially secure because of this, but from a very wealthy background). Tight as they come over the little things, but also had certain "expectations" round lifestyle due to coming from money, and expected me to go halves on everything. My only regret in retrospect is that I let the relationship limp on for several years rather than dumping him within a matter of months.

Having said that, I'm on a (relatively modest) professional income, and if someone repeatedly expected me to sub them cinema tickets I'd be pissed off. Occasionally when it's a special occasion is fine (I have a friend where he and I "treat" each other to the cinema on each other's birthday - in between times we'd go halves).

The issue is one of financial fairness and reasonable expectations - if he's prepared to rein in the expensive restaurant choices and go cheap and cheerful, or come up with dates that don't cost an arm and a leg (nice walk in the country followed by a coffee and a cake, rather than the cost of a full meal) then expecting you to go halves is fine. If he's determined to take you to places which he knows are outside your price range, or expects you to go out more frequently than your budget allows, and still expects you to pay halves - then you have no option but to dump him I think.