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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 03/11/2019 08:20

This all just takes us back to several posters' initial comment - "now you know how he's paid his mortgage off at 39" and "now you know why he's single at 39".

He sounds pathologically stingy and money fixated. To the point where if actually call him a bit crazy/not quite right in the head.

Oh think he thought he was onto a winner with a (junior?) Doctor but still.couldbt manage to hide his unpleasant, exploitative, miserly side. Be grateful he's shit at hiding it.

A relationship with this guy is unimaginable. He reminds me of as guy a friend of a friend dated (not sure if still together) who took bags of dried pasta in his suitcase on holiday so they didn't have to eat out (and presumably didn't even have to buy the pasta there at fifty pence more).

Anyway - sexy that you shop in b&m - that's a comedy classic.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/11/2019 08:34

I think that 'it's sexy that you shop in B&M' was his cringey, hopeless, socially awkward way of announcing his attraction to you and showing that he expected you to have sex with him later. Did he mention sex again during the date?

Because he sounds so unaware of how he's coming over that he it seems as though he's never actually dated a woman before! I'd have to tell him that his meanness was unattractive, it would be doing him a favour (although he'd probably just cover it up better next time).

Euromillsplz · 03/11/2019 08:34

Haha! I love the 4+ yuks and he's in the bin!!

OP do you mean he basically used up the voucher on himself then payed a little bit on top of that and you paid the rest- or that he paid a bit more than you (so more than half of what was left) out of the remaining bill??

Because if it's the former, there's an even more special place in singledom for him than seemed possible before...

What a TURD!

TargaryenBean · 03/11/2019 08:39

I agree with priceofprogress and bibidi. Also to quote your opening post, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation.
Was he witness to one if these panic situations?

NurseButtercup · 03/11/2019 08:58

I said I’d been to B and M today to get some cleaning bits. He said (I quote) it’s made me see you in a whole new way hearing you say that, i find it so sexy that you’d shop there.

Good grief, how did you manage to keep a straight face when he said this?? My legs would have clamped shut if a man said this to me. Yum you are well rid. I hope you have fun being single for a while and reconnecting with your friends.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 09:04

He paid more of what was left in fairness, but then he’d ordered much more expensive dishes so I figured he should have

He’s since text for ‘an explanation’ because I didn’t give him a proper one last night. I said I thought we had a different perspective to money and dating and that I just didn’t think it was going to work.

He then said I obviously wanted someone who would pay for everything and I’d gone for him because his mortgage was paid and I knew he wanted to retire by 50.

I’ve not replied

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 03/11/2019 09:06

He sounds like Alan Partridge.

Ghostontoast · 03/11/2019 09:07

If you had got a taxi back to his place, bet he would have made a stop on the way at a late-night supermarket (with meter ticking at your expense) for you to pop in and buy some condoms for him.

Funny, my “Pete” told me that he didn’t do Christmas cards let alone presents, just after I handed him a gift (which he sneered at). Dumped him that evening!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/11/2019 09:07

I think not replying in this scenario is the best course of action. You're never going to get him to see it from your point of view, so it's pointless wasting energy trying

Boysey45 · 03/11/2019 09:08

LOL Don't give him any further explanations OP. What an absolute loser he is.Block him.

VaggieMight · 03/11/2019 09:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

VaggieMight · 03/11/2019 09:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Sarcelle · 03/11/2019 09:21

Block him.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 03/11/2019 09:27

Thank goodness you dumped him. He sounds awful.
The reason he's been able to pay off his mortgage at 39 is that he's a tight wad who doesn't even buy xmas presents for his family or friends but is happy to accept 3k from his dad every year.
He has "short arms and long pockets".

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 09:34

Oh I forgot, yesterday he also asked me how much I paid for my house. And then during the meal told me he that he knew he was a champagne socialist but he’d always vote far left.

It was a great night

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 03/11/2019 09:37

Either don’t respond or say :

‘You decided that from before you even met me so there was no way this was ever going to work.’

or just tell him you decided you weren’t well matched to Alan partridge

Winterdaysarehere · 03/11/2019 09:38

Thank goodness you hadn't left it til Christmas. Saved yourself £££.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 03/11/2019 09:39

Oh god, he’s into momentum? What a twat! He could have told you that up front so you knew he hated women!

Vaggiemight - Grin

Tooner · 03/11/2019 09:45

What a dickhead, you are well rid of him

ForTheTimeBeing · 03/11/2019 09:47

Why not send him a link to this thread as an explanation, OP?

John1971 · 03/11/2019 09:51

You deserve so much better than Pete. He's making these comments just 4 months into the relationship? It'll only get worse - far worse. Good riddance.

KatherineJaneway · 03/11/2019 09:54

We then talked about Christmas generally. He informed me he doesn’t do presents, even for family

But happy to accept 3k. You've done the right thing. He's tight which is highly unattractive. He knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

ANiceLuxury · 03/11/2019 09:58

Your well rid of him

VioletCharlotte · 03/11/2019 09:58

Blimey, I think you might have been be dating my ex! It's all very passive aggressive isn't it? He'll chip away at you, making you doubt yourself and think it's you in the wrong. Whereas actually, he's just tight.

I'm so pleased you've got rid!

MarthasGinYard · 03/11/2019 10:01

Op congratulations

How incredibly unattractive he's become

Yuck