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Original poster

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 10:40

We were talking about houses though and him wanting to upgrade. So there was a context to it I guess

Him upgrading to a different house doesn't really need to include a discussion about how much equity you have in yours (given you weren't talking about buying together).

QueenofallIsee · 31/10/2019 10:41

I’d call it as him being stingy and arrogant. You mention ‘family money’ - are your parents well off or old money? I am forcefully reminded of a nightmare guy I used to work with...he was tighter than anyone I have ever met, asking for 1p change for a charity fairy cake(!) but he was also weirdly arrogant about money, like him having it made him better than other people and he ‘deserved’ a partner who came from money (he didn’t). He got really excited at a new starter joining the team as her name was ‘posh’ sounding - he was really really weird. I can imagine him being like you describe

AdaColeman · 31/10/2019 10:41

In these early days of a relationship, you each show the other your very best features.

He seems to be mildly mean ATM, but I suspect he is actually very mean, though he is hiding this well at present.
Along side meanness, invariably runs controlling behaviour, because of course they need to control both the money and you. As you've seen he is already attempting to control your money.

A more serious element of a relationship with a miser, is that whilst they start off being mean with money, this affects all areas of their life, and they rapidly become mean emotionally as well.

It can make life very joyless and bleak.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 10:42

My family is very fixated on money. They know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Not a nice trait.

LonginesPrime · 31/10/2019 10:42

He asked how much equity I had in my house....

Eww, gross - yeah, he doesn't sound like a keeper!

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 10:45

Cross post with Ada. I agree with what she said about being controlling in other ways. Yes, exactly.

Just another thought, maybe he asked you if you had enough money for the cinema because he was gleaning information on your finances. My brother used to have a spreadsheet on mine.

Original poster
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:48

To be honest I wasn’t expecting these responses to all be the same.

Im definitely in a job that is perceived to be lucrative. But im new to it and I don’t even think my job is relevant. Why someone who has paid off a mortgage needs to check if I can pay for the cinema is beyond me.

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 31/10/2019 10:49

People who are right with money are usually right emotionally so I would check out in this one.

I'll never forget a bf who wouldn't even give me a chip!

mummmy2017 · 31/10/2019 10:50

It's quiet funny really, that when he should be trying too hook you by being his best, he instead hands you half the bills.

legoninjago1 · 31/10/2019 10:54

Bluurgh. Any one of those examples would have done it for me. Sorry.

Original poster
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:58

Tbh I’m kind of worried that there’s been so many of the same posts and I didn’t pick up on this from the start.

I always second guess myself and wonder if I’m being too harsh.

OP posts:
simone1863 · 31/10/2019 10:59

Maybe he is tight, but to go against the grain a little - you say you can afford to do things, but in talking to him you're saying you can't afford to do them. So maybe he's being considerate in wondering if you have the cash to date, or perhaps thinking that he doesn't want to be in a position where he's subsidising you every time you meet.

I'd hate to turn up to the cinema or something expecting the other person to be picking everything up. Awkward silences as you gaze longingly at the pick n mix.

cacklingmags · 31/10/2019 11:06

Tight fucker, and casting his greedy beady eyes over your family money. The questioning of your decisions about no taxi is bloody controlling, and for so early in the relationship. Can you imagine having kids with this arse - poor little blighters would be re-using their nappies. Fuck him the fuck off OP - you sound lovely and you have a grand life ahead of you - don't tie yourself to Scrooge.

MissDew · 31/10/2019 11:08

I'm definitely in a job that is perceived to be lucrative

Some people think it's only women that are gold diggers. Did he know what you did for a living before he asked you out ?

Also, personally, I don't like his curt manner i.e. the remark about you getting a taxi that one time.

RhinoskinhaveI · 31/10/2019 11:13

This is him on his best behaviour, at his most kind and generous, it doesn't bode well for the future me thinks?

MardyLardy · 31/10/2019 11:15

Christ you need to bin. Don’t second guess yourself ever. If people are arses and he has been multiple times act on it. I got together with my husband when we were both skint then he got some cash bonus and we spent it together gleefully. I have been the breadwinner so has he and so on. Imagine living like money matters more than what it allows you to do. He sounds horrid - raise your standards and get a brilliant funny generous man who is great in bed and adores you.

user1471504234 · 31/10/2019 11:17

Ew. I haven’t read the full thread but him telling you early on that he has paid off your mortgage is boastful and unnecessary. That’s the kind of info you would only share once you’re getting to know someone well and in it for the longer term I think.
Anyone who mentions having no mortgage in their dating profile is an instant no for me. Not that there’s any issue with having no mortgage, just the fact that they need to mention it. It makes me wonder what they are hoping to convey with that information.

MsPepperPotts · 31/10/2019 11:20

Your gut feeling is telling you something isn't right and don't waste your emotional energy(or money) on someone like him.
He's got you questioning yourself already and you don't know him at all.
Him being tight is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
He's probably looking for someone who can facilitate at least 50% towards his expensive nights out.
Forget your purse one night(but hide some cash in your bag) you will soon get the measure of the man in the way he reacts to this situation.
That's if your want to waste anymore time on the tight arse manipulator.

HollowTalk · 31/10/2019 11:26

No. Get rid now. He's far too interested in what you earn and panics every time he thinks he'll have to subsidise you.

MummyJasmin · 31/10/2019 11:28

I couldn't live with or be in a relationship with such a tight b*stard. Move on. Plenty more fish in the sea :)

TellingBone · 31/10/2019 11:29

Possibly he's got baggage from a previous relationship that has made him behave this way.

But whatever the cause I don't think I could live with the constant focus on what's spent and who pays. And I say that as someone who believes that both partners in a relationship should contribute equally. If it's agreed that spend will be split there needs to be discussion about what's affordable in advance.

I don't think it's fixable really. It's up to him to deal with his issues.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/10/2019 11:30

After only 4 months this is still him showing you his good side. Imagine in 4 years how much tighter he'll be.

Tight people meeting tight people and living tight lives is one thing; live how you like. Tight people meeting those who don't share the same values/beliefs with money are the ones who'll struggle.

DH and I are very different with money; he's a saver, I think I'm a Rockefeller and would piss all of mine up the wall on cocktails and shoes given the chance. However, we both meet in the middle; I save lots, he enjoys his more, it's like we've both brought out the 'good' in each other. If he was tight like this I'd have been long gone.

MissDew · 31/10/2019 11:32

Your gut feeling is telling you something isn't right and don't waste your emotional energy(or money) on someone like him.

If/when you end it, he will probably make some sneering remark about money giving you the impression that you're the gold digger and he's not going to be taken for a mug.

VaggieMight · 31/10/2019 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

angstinabaggyjumper · 31/10/2019 11:39

I used to go out with someone who was tight, well off but incredibly tight.
Whatever he did he was obsessed with getting a 'good deal' out of it and this obviously included relationships.
Maybe that's why he asked how much equity you had in your house, he doesn't sound like he has much emotional intelligence.