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Original poster

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
holrosea · 31/10/2019 16:15

FWIW I think you are doing just fine in financial terms; you've bought a house (first years are always tight) and your mortgage will get paid over time (kind of the idea). You're saving as and when you can, paying off your student debt, on a career path that will start to pay out and right now you are mature enough (not meant to be patronising) to control frivolous spending like taxis without killing your social life.

I think the bigger issue here is to trust your instincts and take your own feelings seriously.

Money is weird and can be an emotive, highly personal topic, plus people make all sorts of value judgements about financial responsibility (or lack of).

You've not been dating long, your financial situations are separate and if you have that niggling uncomfortable feeling about having to justify yourself, take a deep breath and remember that you DON'T have to. As for his tightness being a turn off, it is early enough for you to break it off without any massive heartbreak.

If you're interested in personal experience, I'm not that much older than you and bought my apartment at 25 YO. I had a terrible starting salary and things were really tight at first (I still go on holiday with my parents when the offer's there). I never got taxis, never drank outside of happy hour, and boiler malfunction was like a financial body blow. However, my salary got better, my mortgage ticked over quietly in the background, I banked every bonus or unexpected windfall, I remained financially aware and renegotiated when I could. I'm now early 30s with 6 years left on the mortgage, a savings account that can cover splurges and the occasional disaster, a separate savings account for longer term projects, and a pretty comfortable life (eating out, weekends away, getting an UBER when the trains are screwed). It sounds like you might be on the same path, so whatever you decide to do about the BF, don't let him undermine your faith inyourself or belittle your situation (you're doing great!).

2girlsandagap · 31/10/2019 16:16

Pate’s a mingebag- sorry Op. Better to find out now than after you’ve invested time into him.

ChristmasFluff · 31/10/2019 16:20

It's 4 months in. This is his best self - he's stillon best behaviour, and this is as good as it will get - yet he's still tight, and also likes things his own way (telling you to get a taxi when why should it matter to him?).

He'll only get worse.

dottiedodah · 31/10/2019 16:21

The main point here ,is that obviously something is making you feel this relationship is a bit "off" TBH . You would not be asking advice otherwise .I think as a long term prospect he may be worse if you got married and had a family .You are 10 years younger than him ,and many men would want to spoil a young lady ,and not make them feel awkward like this .If he has been married before it would be interesting to see why it failed!

John1971 · 31/10/2019 16:22

He’s a skinflint.

Itsallpetetong · 31/10/2019 16:27

He should have manners anyway and asking me if I can afford the cinema?

But

I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in

He can’t really win.

Autumnhere1111 · 31/10/2019 16:29

Hate stinginess. I’ve had a similar experience years ago. Even when we were then just texting as friends, he still asked a couple of things about money!!

jewel1968 · 31/10/2019 16:57

I do think there is something in what people on here have said about you referencing money. In my experience people aren't very open about money struggles and so you being open could have led to some of his behaviours. I am not judging but I can count on one hand how many people I have met that have shared that they can't afford something.

Tooner · 31/10/2019 17:02

Does he ever treat you OP, meals out, flowers etc.

Groovinpeanut · 31/10/2019 17:09

It could go two ways. Pete may be thinking because you mentioned a couple of occasions where you've chosen not to persue nights out, taxis etc that you're frugal with money. He may like you but doesn't want there to be instances where you or he are put in an awkward position over paying a bill on a night out. It's sometimes tough for men when dating...offer to pay and get a lecture on him being out of touch with equality and she is quite capable of paying her way/share, or not offer and be branded a miser.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 31/10/2019 17:21

Dump and run!

Uptonogoodtoo · 31/10/2019 17:29

Men like him want the benefit of a younger girlfriend, but don’t wait to consider that a younger girlfriend is unlikely to be as financial secure simply by the nature of their age and level of career progression. They want the best of both worlds...tell him to jog on.

AgeBeforeBeauty · 31/10/2019 17:34

Wouldn't be bothered with that, just run.

Will only get worse if he's this bad 4 months in, imagine how he'll be once he's even more comfortable around you!

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 31/10/2019 17:34

It sounds to me more like he is careful and very aware of money than 'tight' and other words people are using.

I don't think you can infer that he is controlling or emotionally ungenerous, just from his being frugal.

That said, if his attitude is annoying you now, it's probably not going to get any better, so you need to consider whether it's something you can tolerate or whether you're simply not compatible.

Personally, I'd rather have someone frugal than a reckless spender.

Treating people to things, buying extravagant gifts etc. isn't necessarily an indicator of emotional generosity. It can sometimes be a thing people do to distract attention from other shortfalls in their treatment of you - and sometimes it's plain showing off.

Autumnhere1111 · 31/10/2019 17:43

I think men who are very tight with money often lack emotional intelligence

Glitterb · 31/10/2019 17:50

He sounds incredibly draining!

Surely most people live to a budget so why is he making a big deal about it! I can imagine he is going to get annoying tbh!

RantyAnty · 31/10/2019 17:51

tight and smug. yuk.

He sounds incredibly boring too. Surprised he doesn't want to split the cost of a glass of tap water.

It'd be nice if he treated you every once in awhile but he'd rather brag about his house and pinch pennies.

MollyHuaCha · 31/10/2019 17:51

Well, we can see how he's managed to pay off his mortgage at a young age... by counting every penny.

If you stayed with him and ended up marrying, he would doubtless provide you with an account book to record your spending, which he would regularly scrutinize.

My friend's DH does this and she has to ask his permission before buying herself clothes or make up.

Boireannachlaidir · 31/10/2019 18:23

@Itsallpetetong ...but comparing him asking whether his date has enough to cover a cinema ticket (condescending of him) with splitting the bill at an expensive bar that he picked is not the same thing!

He's stingy OP and I'd be wary he hasn't actually got any money hence the fixation with it.

AhNowTed · 31/10/2019 18:35

OP I understand your dilemma.

His attitude is disconcerting but by addressing it it's not easy to not come over as some sort of princess that wants to be paid for. Difficult.

"Look, you're obviously minded about money, and that's fine, but I was hoping for a more relaxed relationship where we take turns and it's not a big deal if one ends up paying a fiver more than the other. I can't be penny pinching and worried about splitting the bill to the enth degree. We have different attitudes to money and I'm sorry but it's too much like hard work."

Something like that?

timshelthechoice · 31/10/2019 18:43

It's four months in and you are tying yourself in knots. Honestly you need to examine your boundaries. That date where he invited you to places of his choice and then automatically told the waitress you were bill spiting and you thought, I wouldn't have done that to a friend? That was your cue. Why put up with that? You know why people have shit relationships? Because they don't listen to themselves.

Notmoresugar · 31/10/2019 18:47

He would be a complete turn-off for me.
A calculator for a brain is very unattractive.
From my observations, tightness is very deeply ingrained.

Boysey45 · 31/10/2019 19:09

Its the tip of the Iceberg OP, dump him now.

peachesforfree · 31/10/2019 19:15

Dreadful, get rid. My DH is like a good version of this - he’s also really disciplined with money and had mostly got rid of his first mortgage by 32 when I met him. We share our money now and he’d never question what I spend on stuff unless I was being really ridiculous. He also took me on lots of nice dates in the early days before we had joint money. In fact we have never once split a bill in 5 years, just take turns. Like you I have a good job and don’t expect to be paid for, but I couldn’t abide a tab being kept in a relationship. What’s going to happen when you go on holiday or move in together if he’s like this now?

Original poster
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 19:20

I’m not sure it is as extreme as posters seek to say but then this is the first time I’ve experienced this so maybe it does get worse. He’s quite a nice person generally. I can’t imagine him wanting to treat me without there being a discount somewhere in there but I was trying to be a bit more open minded about people after online dating for the last 10 months...

OP posts: