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Original poster

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
MissDew · 31/10/2019 11:40

He brags about his financial position in life. Questions you about your finances i.e. family money and salary/job. However, see how much he clams up if you take as much interest in his money/income/financial position.

He will either act indignantly or somehow tell you out right to mind your own business i.e. I'm not telling you how I've done it.

theydontknowweknow · 31/10/2019 11:47

Reminds me of my ex, I was at college full time and worked part time on top so was therefore skint. He used to book nights away after I told him I had no money and then when he paid for it, would then make comments about me paying for things or used to text me with things like 'I hope you're not using me for my money'. I didn't have a car at the time and then it would be 'would you still want to be with me if I didn't have the car I did'.

I got rid and it was the best decision of my life. He had a bit of a shitty job and drove a BMW so hardly some big timer he made himself out to be.

AhNowTed · 31/10/2019 11:57

Him asking about equity wouldn't bother me at all. After 4 months and in the context of talking about a move, that would be a natural discussion.

However as I said before, the urgency in letting you know that everything is split, lest you be under some delusion that god forbid he might have to stump up for a cinema ticket... nah!

sue51 · 31/10/2019 11:58

Stinginess is so unattractive. If he resents a few quid to take the woman he is dating to the cinema he's not relationship worthy. I'd get rid now before you become more emotionally invested.

Bananalanacake · 31/10/2019 11:58

Don't move in with him, make it clear your money and your property are yours and you are not prepared to share them with a man, ever. See how he reacts.

scoobydoo1971 · 31/10/2019 12:00

In these early days, he should be trying to impress you. The fact he is tight and too interested in your capital position should make you run for the hills. I dated someone who was tight with money and it drained my soul. I dumped him recently due to many issues, but his reluctance to pay for anything was not only highlighting his scrounge-like tendencies, but also his selfishness and wish to control other people. He was a class A leech tbh and I feel so glad to have got rid of him as family life is very happy now.

People like this grind you down, especially if you have a generous personality disposition. He sounds like a bore and you can do better.

hamstersaremyfriends · 31/10/2019 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dottiedodah · 31/10/2019 12:04

I think this one doesnt have legs TBH! Tightness is a dreadful trait I think . The fact that hes paid off his mortgage early probably means he counts every single penny ! In the first stages of dating someone, its nice to feel money can be offered freely .I dont mean he should pay for everything, but he seems fixated on whether you can afford it , I would think about this man carefully if it were me Im afraid !

Sushiroller · 31/10/2019 12:09

My situation is similar but i am the guy (old and earn more) and my DP is you in that he earns a good wage but not mega bucks and is earloer in his career - while we both value money and hate waste neither of us are tight and are v generous with loved ones.

When we started dating I never put him under pressure in terms of swank bars or fine dining and anything "fancy" I wanted to do i paid for as I could afford it and wanted us to have a nice time together.

That's how it should be...

You aren't even that keen on him - I'd cut and run as this problem will only get worse not better

Sleepyhead19 · 31/10/2019 12:11

Sorry but I would leave him. If he asked you to go to expensive places, he shouldn’t assume you’d pay for yourself. If I ask a friend out for dinner, I pay. I don’t ask if they can afford it.
He does sound tight. I think financially, you are not compatible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2019 12:22

Do not remain with such a man

jewel1968 · 31/10/2019 13:21

I have a friend who is extraordinarily tight. He also paid off his mortgage but on the backs of others. This guy doesn't sound quite in that league but I guess you have to start somewhere... A couple of thoughts from me:

  • is he generous in other ways?
  • what is his childhood background like with regards to money
  • does he spend on himself e.g. nice food or clothes
I think you need to have a frank discussion. Perhaps start by talking about some tight people you know (some good threads on here) and guage his reaction. Try to draw him out on what he thinks of tight people.
Original poster
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 13:26

I really wasn’t expecting so many of the same responses.

My worry is that if I bring it up it will almost confirm his apparent (wrong) belief that I expect him to pay. How do you tell someone that it was really unattractive to hear he wanted to set out his stall in respect of paying for the cinema? Even if he accepts it, the fact is he chose to have that approach and it’s who he is.

It’s annoying as in lots of ways he’s great. He did mention being a champagne socialist at the start which I probably should have paid attention to.

OP posts:
managedmis · 31/10/2019 13:33

It's as if he's already decided you're a gold digger

MissDew · 31/10/2019 13:37

How do you tell someone that it was really unattractive to hear he wanted to set out his stall in respect of paying for the cinema?

I don't know what words you could use but the fact it's about money is very telling. You seem to be hedging about bringing it up.

Think about it this way, he's mentioned he's paid of his mortgage and also asked you about family money. The value of this is several thousand pounds. The value of the cinema tickets is next to nothing by comparison.

Yes, I get it that it's the principal of the situation.

What's stopping you mentioning it ? You don't want to appear rude ? You don't want to start a row about money ?

So.…….you're basically afraid of his reaction or of you looking bad.

You need to get this deal breaker done. Lance the boil, rip the plaster off and all that.

If you leave it, it will get worse and you will regret not mentioning it sooner.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/10/2019 13:40

My worry is that if I bring it up it will almost confirm his apparent (wrong) belief that I expect him to pay. How do you tell someone that it was really unattractive to hear he wanted to set out his stall in respect of paying for the cinema? Even if he accepts it, the fact is he chose to have that approach and it’s who he is.

You are 4 months in. At this point, I think that if it's clear that there are big disparities or issues, you don't bring them up... you walk away. You are right - you can't change someone, nor should you decide you're going to give yourself the huuuuuge and utterly thankless task of devoting your life to trying! Your line of thinking should be - is he a good fit for me? NOT can I make him a good fit for me?

I'd also be thinking, if I were 29, that in order for me to want to invest in someone already ten years older, they'd really have to be pretty much perfect... It's quite a gap, really.

I think you're partly seeing the result of that gap - he sounds old before his time, peevish, money orientated, definitley tight - and partly, you're just not well matched. He sounds terribly acquisitive, I don't think you'll have mych respect left for him after a few more encounters.

DEFINITELY bin him. This has got frustrating waste of time written all over it, and the ONLY reason to continue is because you're not looking for anything serious and he's great fun. And you've just described how he's really not.

Imtootired · 31/10/2019 13:48

I would actually tell him everything straight out. Tbh I wouldn’t really expect him to change but you may as well get the truth out on the table. I couldn’t be with someone like that, he sounds very patronising and condescending and really stingy and you’ll just end up resenting him more and more

AdaColeman · 31/10/2019 13:56

You don't need to bring up money matters WhatTuesdayBacon, you don't owe him a detailed explanation for the end of your relationship, as you've only known him a few weeks.

And you certainly don't need to be offering him pointers as to how to become a better human being or have more success in relationships.

priceofprogress · 31/10/2019 14:22

I actually think you’ve kinda caused this situation yourself by being so open about struggling to do certain things financially really early on. I’d find it a bit of a red flag/concern if I was a few months into seeing a guy and he made several comments about how he’d gone home early cos he’d overspent the week before, etc. It makes it sound like you’re struggling financially so I don’t blame him for picking up on that and probing a bit further, asking if you can afford to do stuff and so forth.

Early on your finances aren’t one another’s concern so not sure why you’d keep bringing up that you can’t afford this or that. You’ve probably got him worried that you expect him to pay for everything, that or he’s concerned as he wants a partner who is in a similar position to him finance wise.

The bar thing, presumably you accepted his invitation to go to those bars? You didn’t just meet up at a bus stop and he walked you there without saying anything? If a guy suggested drinks at a certain place and I wasn’t flush I’d have checked out what sort of place it was online first/the menu, before accepting. And if it was too expensive suggested somewhere more affordable so that I knew I could pay my way.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2019 14:31

I find it concerning that you are still on the fence about this man. How many red flags and how many gut feelings are you going to ignore?

He is a dreadful tightwad, and very rude to boot. I guarantee he will be financially controlling and abusive if you continue a relationship with him. Bin him immediately. You really shouldn't even be second guessing this. He is not the man for you.

Bibidy · 31/10/2019 14:34

I actually think you’ve kinda caused this situation yourself by being so open about struggling to do certain things financially really early on. I’d find it a bit of a red flag/concern if I was a few months into seeing a guy and he made several comments about how he’d gone home early cos he’d overspent the week before, etc. It makes it sound like you’re struggling financially so I don’t blame him for picking up on that and probing a bit further, asking if you can afford to do stuff and so forth.

I agree with this. When I read your initial post (the first 2 points anyway) I actually took it as him listening to your comments and just trying to make sure you weren't feeling pressured to do things you couldn't really afford with him. I wouldn't have taken anything he said re the cinema and taxis as him making sure he wasn't having to pay for you.

As for your first date, I do think it's a little unusual that he immediately said you'd split the bill but I know a lot of people prefer that now, particularly on early dates where neither one knows if it will go any further.

It sounds to me like he's pretty sorted financially and potentially it just didn't cross his mind that you may not have been able to afford that first date as easily, whereas now he's more aware that you may be less well off he's conscious of making sure he's not putting you in a difficult position (but also being aware that you've not been seeing each other for long so not wanting to be on the hook for paying for everything).

Bibidy · 31/10/2019 14:40

Why someone who has paid off a mortgage needs to check if I can pay for the cinema is beyond me.

I always second guess myself and wonder if I’m being too harsh.

I actually really do think you're being too harsh!

If I were newly dating someone and they'd expressed they were a bit short of money that month, I'd feel rude to suggest doing something we had to pay for, even just something like the cinema, and I'd also feel it was too awkward to blurt out "Don't worry, I'll pay for you!". I'd be worried it might come across insulting or patronising.

I would probably do exactly what he did and check in with you whether you could afford it. Even if I was intending to pay, I wouldn't want you stressing in the lead up about how you were going to pay.

Original poster
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 14:49

Yeah I think maybe I did mention a couple of things but only to explain why I was going to drive or why I had come back a little earlier from drinks with friends.

I don’t really feel like I don’t have independence or don’t do things. My house is in a nicer area and more expensive (mortgage not paid off, granted), but it’s not like I’m some sort of money grabber waiting for someone to sort out my lifestyle.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 14:50

And as for checking where a place is before you go...it’s a bit tricky when you’re already out and he’s keen to take you somewhere to his favourite bar! Kind of kills the mood to say hang on a minute let me just look it up on my phone to check how much it is...

OP posts:
Boireannachlaidir · 31/10/2019 14:51

Ugh the fact he's made it all about money is a right turn off. He definitely should've offered to pay for the expensive bar bills from the places he chose. And yes, asking if you can afford the cinema WTF?!

He sounds far too interested in your finances too. House equity is none of his business, you're not financially linked.

I'd be put off a guy like this. He sounds quite mean. Are you certain he's as financially secure as he makes out?