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Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 31/10/2019 10:27

It’s not good OP. Zero display of generosity. Generosity with money is reflected in generosity with love, sympathy, time etc. He is self interested.

Move on.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:27

ahnowted yes exactly that’s what it is! Also if he was so bothered about money then I feel like he should just accept when I want to drive (I’m more than happy with that and don’t need to drink every time we meet), rather than pressuring me to get a taxi. If it’s so important I drink with him then pay for the taxi?!

OP posts:
FinnBalorsAbs · 31/10/2019 10:27

This would really put me off. Irrespective of gender when I was dating if I suggested 'taking someone somewhere' because I was recommending it I'd offer to pay, even if eventually the bill was split.

Also, at what point do you start taking it in turns to pay? When I started seriously seeing now DH we got to the point where we'd take it in turns. Will he be going 'well I paid xx for this place, so actually you need to pay more for this one'?

It just doesn't sound like you're financially compatible, and his tightness would put me off.

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 10:28

Well now you know why he's single at 10 years older than you.

Sounds inordinately fixated on money.

I think his fixation on money and it's division/contribution will become (even more) trying/stressful long-term.

And yes, it's especially silly given you're ten years younger and ten yrs behind him on the salary/career/paying off mortgage etc scale.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:29

He would definitely have cheaper dates. He’s very into this and if I raised it he would be fine with just a walk or a coffee.

That’s not the point to me though.

OP posts:
WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:30

It’s also made me wonder if he’s so into me because he thinks I have big earning potential. He asked how much equity I had in my house....

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 31/10/2019 10:31

Walk away.

Anything to the extreme (tight or spending money you don't have) isn't easy or remotely fun to live with.

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 10:31

Even his interest in and assumptions about your family and how much money they have are a bit creepy.

Sounds like he's very money fixed and wants a partner who he feels he's doing well to "catch", and whom he makes sure contributes as much or more than him at every juncture.

That's probably at least partly why he's still single at his age (35ish?).

MarianaMoatedGrange · 31/10/2019 10:31

Don't waste time analysing this man. He's tight, that's it.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:32

He’s 39.

OP posts:
zoflirter · 31/10/2019 10:32

I was with a man who was 13 years older. I knew his ex had been of the opinion that women should be "kept" and that he didn't like it so I (stupidly) from early on agreed to split everything equally.

He earned quite a lot more than me (I was 23 and he was 37 - different career/life stages) and I was a single mother of a toddler too. Fast forward to me leaving him years later and I'm in loads of debt whilst he has plenty of savings.

I blame myself for letting it happen but when I look back he really shouldn't have allowed me to carry the burden of paying for half of everything. Like the man you describe, he liked to go to nice places and would turn his nose up at the suggestion of going anywhere cheap. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the experiences we had but on reflection he's set himself up a very nice life and I'm really struggling - for a variety of reasons but this being one of them.

I don't like the sound of this man you're seeing. It sounds like he may have a slight distain for children from wealthy families... were his family hard up?

As others have said, tightness isn't attractive at all. I'd steer clear. This is a red flag you've been shown early on. Why force a relationship with someone who's already pissing you off?

TheStuffedPenguin · 31/10/2019 10:33

If you are 4 months in then you shouldn't still be wondering .....

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 10:34

He asked how much equity I had in my house....

I reiterate the comment above about being creepy.

Fk no.

He's way too.fixated on finances and money. Seems like he's sees you/people as financial units not a person, its verging on sociopathic.

He actually sounds a bit gold diggery - ppl always think it's only women, but there are plenty of men like that too

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:34

To be clear, he’d be happy with cheaper dates. I do think if I raised it he would be listen but he seems quite invested in it so far.

OP posts:
MissLadyM · 31/10/2019 10:34

Tight. I'd let this one go. He's clearly letting you know you'll get no freebies!

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/10/2019 10:35

He asked how much equity you have?!

Let this be your wake up call, OP. It would be self destructive to pursue this relationship.

katewhinesalot · 31/10/2019 10:35

I think you should have a conversation about value for money. He might think you genuinely can't afford it, whereas you think it's not worth spending the money. If you can understand where each of you are coming from it might help.

It might also be worth trying to train him a bit to loosen up. Take it in turns to pay for your dates with an "it evens out at some point" attitude. Pay for some cheaper and some more expensive dates on your turn. You'll soon work out if he's really tight in what he chooses to do when it's his turn.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 10:36

We were talking about houses though and him wanting to upgrade. So there was a context to it I guess

OP posts:
nmc99 · 31/10/2019 10:36

Agree with others lack of generosity is poor and 4 months in you should be loved up not wandering

katewhinesalot · 31/10/2019 10:36

Should have refreshed before I posted.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/10/2019 10:38

It feels like you know this is a dead end but you don’t want to let go?

mummmy2017 · 31/10/2019 10:38

Ask him about how much he had at your age?
To be honest the fact he is single at 39, raises red flags.
What has he said about his past?
No hidden children. Strange ex's?

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 10:38

He’s 39.

You're 29 then, I guessed you were about 25 be side you mentioned a couple of years career experience ... Presumably then you r fine quite a long professional education & training route? Are you in a profession that's identified as being lucrative?

He could assume you have plenty of money due to that but his interest in your family money, your equity etc makes think he's a materialistic type who's looking for a good financial prospect in a partner and your profession may have attracted him.

I don't think any of us like the sound of his behaviour tbg

MissDew · 31/10/2019 10:38

He has paid off his mortgage already by living off the smell of an oily rag, (frugal) so to speak. Lots of people have to do this to survive, admittedly.

Friends of my husband did this. Paid off their mortgage early by being frugal. But they were notoriously, 'mean as cat shit' i.e. met up with other friends for a picnic and just bought a couple of yoghurts to eat.

Ultimately their penny pinching did them no good as they have been penny wise but pound foolish and have had to re-mortgage their house to pay for repairs because it wasn't built properly in the first place. They paid for the construction - it's complicated. It's become a money pit and has gobbled their substantial savings too.

You sound sceptical of him, quite rightly so. He has no problem with you spending your money, of course i.e. telling you that YOU should have paid for a taxi. Sorry, all hear in that remark is, 'so what, it's only your money.'

Wants to, 'take you to these place' yup. Going there is free. It's when the bill comes the real him comes out.

He is a miser. He is fixated on the cost of things and secretly believes the world is trying to rip him off and probably thinks most women are not honest and only after money.

lack of generosity is a turn off for me

You've just ended things in your heart and your head. (Maybe other organs too - sorry !)

His bragging and gloating about his financial position is quite telling too. Again, that doesn't cost anything.

I went out with a guy who lived on his own. OK, back when I was single. He was good at showing me the cakes or biscuits he had in his cupboard. It was very telling, to me at least, that he did not offer me any of them.

Happityhap · 31/10/2019 10:39

Now I've seen the updates, I think money could become a big problem between you, if you continue the relationship.

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