Newish man and money comments...

[WhatTuesdayBacon]

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! )

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

aqua I’m just considering what people have said. I want to check it’s not me being unreasonable as we all have our faults. It seems most people think his behaviour hasn’t been great though.

Is he tight or just a bit ham fisted? I’d say the latter.

I think (like the posters above) that he isn’t used to people he’s dating being blunt about not having much money at certain times (eg after a trip away) and has reacted to it in a clumsy way (eg asking whether you can afford the cinema).

It’s interesting that you hint at being from a well-off family. I’m certainly not from that background and at university I was astonished when fellow students from wealthy backgrounds would say, “I’ve got no money at all, I’m skint!”.

I would never have dreamt of telling people that I was short of money, even when I was. When people said that sort of thing to me (a memorable example was a girl who had been to an expensive boarding school and regularly whined that Daddy wouldn’t give her as much money as she wanted because he hadn’t got a bonus from the investment bank he worked at) it was often in the context of them wanting me to buy drinks for them or cover their entrance to a nightclub. Cheeky feckers, in other words.

I’m sure that’s not you, but can you see how he might have had similar experiences?

Him asking whether you can afford the cinema might have been well-meaning. He might have mentioned having paid off his mortgage in order to present himself as a good prospect. I think it’s not entirely fair to write him off as tight without looking at it further.

Re the fancy bars: well, if he is going to those places he isn’t tight, is he? Truly tight people only go out to cheap places, if at all. Agree that he should have been clear that ‘taking you’ didn’t mean ‘treating you’ though.

I want to check it’s not me being unreasonable as we all have our faults.

You don't have to justify ending a relationship to anyone, or wait until things become untenable. Any doubts whatsoever are all you need to end it, and you've already had many.

Mean-spirited with money equates to mean-spirited in general, in my experience.

If I had been a bit strapped age 29 and wanted to drive to a date and only have one drink, I wouldn’t have given shortage of funds as my excuse. I’d just have said, early start the next day, stuff to do, I’ll be driving. His “we’d have to pay to see each other anyway and it’s nice to have a drink” remark was made in the context of you saying you were driving because you wanted to spend less. Might it be him saying, cut loose a bit?

I don’t know, he might be mean but I feel as if everybody has jumped in to give him a good kicking.

OP I would see this as a red flag. On the one hand he’s bragging about paying off his mortgage but on the other hand being stingy towards you. Big turn off and a warning of things to come. Money is an issue for him.

I would have dumped after the 'I want to take you to X,Y, Z' and the splitting the bill.

He will NOT change.

When people show you who they are, you have to believe them.

You must learn to listen to yourself, you had alarm bells ringing at that date and instead of going with your gut, which was entirely spot on in its reaction, you overrode yourself and carried on with him, and he's since shown you over and over that he is tight.

You owe this man nothing and certainly not a relationship.

Honestly, 4 months in is supposed to be the honeymoon period but this is bumpy and hard work and you have bells going off in your heads, he makes you uncomfortable and his money-obsession and smugness are boring AF.

Don't waste your time analysing and speculating about his motives and weighing up if he's 'just' blah and giving him more chances to show you again that he's mean. He isn't wasting a second thought on you.

Get rid. Just like that. 'This relationship isn't working for me anymore and so it's time for me to move on. Wish you all the best.'

And don't engage. He will NOT change. This is fundamentally who he is.

I feel a bit sorry for the poor sod! Not only condemned as tight but now controlling and an abuser too!

Tightness won't get better.
Are you thinking of having dc in your future? If you are I would leave quickly.
You don't owe someone you have been dating for 4 months a detailed explanation, "it's not really working for me" should be enough.
An early dating scene shouldn't be so stressed and he is old enough to have learned some manners.

I hope he's not one of those financial con men. He sounds like one to be honest. Do you know for sure that he owns the home and how much he earns and if know, how do you know?

You always chose to pay your own way.. You're independent. But you don't like his lack of generosity!!!! Poor bloke can't win in this relationship

And a con man too, now! Can we fill the Bingo card with narcissist etc by the end of this afternoon?

God, life is way too short to spend analysing this guy, digging around to see if he's a con man, blah blah blah. He makes you uncomfortable. He's dull AF with all his money talk. He's a dick (the taxi incident and the cinema comment are twattish and the bar date) and just listen to yourself, you are trying so hard to to override your instincts: you wouldn't treat a friend the way he has you. Isn't that enough?

Yes he's tight. Tightness=selfishness, not a good trait in a potential life partner

Iamthewombat

Due diligence. Just saying

Definitely tight - and definitely not an attractive trait. I went on a couple of dates with a guy who then informed me that while I was abroad he wouldn't text much as it was expensive. I didn't see him once I came back i because if he felt that he couldn't spare a few pence for a couple of 'hope you're having a nice time' texts that said it all. I'd cut my losses with your guy now if I was you.

Goodness, this reminds me so much of my EXH! It confused me for a long time as he had no problem splashing the cash if it was for something extravagant he wanted- a night out at a flashy restaurant or a sports car. I confused wanting to be an 'independent woman' and always pay my way with in effect subsidising a lifestyle that he wanted. With hindsight what would have been fairer would have been to contribute proportionately what we could both afford from our disposable income.

I'd listen to the niggle you have in your gut OP, people are what they are, and I can't imagine his behaviour changing with time. A long term relationship with a miser sucks all the joy out of life. People that are mean about money tend to lack generosity of spirit in their emotional lives as well. As someone that's been there before, for me the comment about the taxi also sets alarm bells ringing; you may minimise it saying its just taxi, but his behaviour was controlling and showed a disregard for your needs and wants. Someone that priorities their desires at the expense of yours will slowly chip away at your confidence and sense of self. It doesn't matter if its about a taxi or buying a chateau in the South of France- you should be a team, not a chain of command with him in charge.

The minute I get a sniff that a guy is tight or has issues with money, i am OFF. My ex was financially abusive.
I dated a guy a few months ago and he did a couple of things that made me end it (amongst other things):

1. we arranged to go to York for the day but I cancelled at the last minute cos I couldn't afford it (I'm buying a house) and he got really annoyed and said "well if you had asked I would have loaned you some money". LOANED ME SOME MONEY!!!
2. He didn't drive so I would often drive him home (20 minute drive). One night we got a chinese and he took half the money for it. i was expecting him to just pay (it was only £20) considering all the lifts I gave him.
3. He was always buying himself new clothes
4. going to supermarket he would go to a different self service checkout so as to only pay for his stuff.

I'm like you, i would never accept a man paying for stuff but you kind of expect them to offer now and again. Your Pete has red flags all over him.

I only said I was short of money because I’d come back from a huge trip and spending 50 quid on drinks and taxis (there and back) was not something I wanted to do as I’d just have to pay it off later. I don’t think it was unreasonable or weird for me to say that and I don’t think it suggests I’m rubbish with money either. I’ve managed so far on my own and having to tighten up a couple of weeks after a nice holiday is standard as far as I’m aware?

He has many nice traits. The main thing for me is the cinema comment. Even with the taxis and the splitting the bill somewhere he chose I can move past. But asking me if I can afford the cinema, I don’t know why, it’s just really bothered me.

4 months in and he’s making you feel weird about money.
He’s patronising you about whether you can afford cinema tickets, he’s questioning your choices on how to spend your money (taxi, drinks etc). He’s showing interest in your “family money” and he’s casing out how much equity you have in your home. He’s inviting you to expensive bars and making you split the bill. There is absolutely no way he is going to be happy supporting you through maternity pay periods etc.

It’s only 4 months in, and there are enough red flags that you should be realising you’re incompatible and your differences will only get bigger and bigger. I’d end it

Oh FGS it's not a red flag! The cinema thing was fine. You mentioned you were short of money, he wanted to check you could afford it. No big deal here.

The taxi thing seems fine too.

I wouldn't like what he did with the bill in the restaurant though. That makes him seem tight. IME who is paying for a date should be agreed beforehand. If you are having sex with someone, you should be able to discuss how the payments will go on a date.

I think it is a red flag.
As a woman in my 40's if I had arranged a night out to the cinema and one of mates had indicated that they were saving money and I thought they might be short I would offer to cover their ticket if needed.
I think your boyfriend clearly highlighting that they aren't prepared to consider doing this is being super tight.
Trying to live your whole life with someone like this would be grim.
Having a family even worse.

In my mind if you had just got on the property ladder then you probably used up your savings for a deposit/legal fees/moving in costs etc. so reasonably you have to put a little by for unforeseen bills and not to splash it on taxis and expensive nights out. He should be able to grasp this without sneering and making you feel bad about it.

Also I think he’s lining you up to buy a house together - he wants to “upgrade”. I’d wouldn’t be surprised if he has asked if your family gifted any money towards the deposit, as he may be thinking that they may cough up some more if you buy into a bigger house. This upgrade will be of his choosing of course in a location more suited to him.

More meh than love of your life.

He sounds unappealing OP- could you really be bothered with this long term? He sounds like he's such a smug misogynist that he thinks any women are on the make- it's be a no from me and I'd have called him out ages ago for being embarrassing. Endless demonstrations in public trying to shame you to put you off trying to get him to pay? Because he thinks you will how have you endure it without laughing in his face OP? It's just so pathetic.

Red flags galore for his controlling nonsense I'm afraid.

He’d be in for a shock. My family didn’t even gift me anything for my current home let alone another one!!!