To have such minimal contact with my parents?

[Euromillsplz]

There's never been much of a relationship, but the way my mum spoke to me last night has sparked this post. They make me feel like shit; a silly little girl. I'm 41.

A couple of weeks ago, they had dd9 on inset day- well my dad did which is almost unheard of, as mum had plans. Long story short- he bought her a pair of £48 trainers she'd been begging me for as she got soaked in a puddle (standard). He also took her for lunch in a nice restaurant, swimming etc. I was grateful (and impressed!)

That evening when I saw how much the trainers were, I put £50 in their account. Sent my dad a text saying thanks so much for having her, I'm paying you back for the trainers. He didn't reply.

Next time they picked dd up from school she came back with £2 change for me. His way of being passive aggressive and petty. Dd told me he said he wasn't happy with me putting the money in. Still no text though.

Had a rare (always uncomfortable and awkward) phone call with mum last night (almost never speak to dad- he actively showed no interest in me growing up - I was insignificant, not as good as others in the world so why bother trying or having goals when there's so much competition out there, etc etc- a very minor snapshot). Trying hard not to digress incoherently but because there's SO MUCH it's hard to get my point across without the extra detail, otherwise it sounds petty.

So last night- she makes her point as usual that it's a phone call (albeit rare) about dd (in case I get above my station and think she's showing any interest in me). About one of her activities- they insist on paying for most of her extracurricular things, which of course I appreciate.

I commented that i'd seen how expensive each session was and said I'd pay half, to which she replied in her VERY best patronising tone "oh stop going ON about it". I said I'm not going on about it, I've only said it once!- to which she stuttered something, then said "and that money you put back in our account, dad didn't want you to". I said I wasn't doing it to annoy anyone- DD had been begging me for those trainers and maybe she'd done the same to him. Oh she didn't like that- as if he'd be so weak as to give in to a child's demands (she didn't say as much but still).

The rest of the phone call was a standard exercise in trying to get off the phone. Afterwards I felt shit all evening. They'd put me back in my place- silly little girl who shouldn't try to make decisions for herself. Who dared to go against her parent's authority. Who deliberately tried to mess up their control over my daughter.

Because there's so much else, I probably haven't explained this very well and it might sound petty.

My parents are not in the least rich- they're just mortgage free and seem to be able to pay for things without a problem. My dad has been generous over the years and has been known to put 500 in my bank account for example- which has of course helped out endlessly. But theres no relationship. There's a lot of growing up stuff I can't really forgive. Constant - CONSTANT- negativity, put downs, unhidden resentment that he had children at all. Unemotional (apart from anger)- yet we were categorically NOT ALLOWED to show anger. Ever. Saying anything at all after he'd spoken was answering back, being impertinent.

With my daughter it's like he's suddenly found how to be a 'perfect parent' and my mother being the meek little enabler that she is (she's another story in herself) seems to think I should shut up and be grateful. Yes, I'm grateful for the financial help. Just not for the attitude that goes with it.

There's a lifetime of stuff I should probably leave out for fear of no-one reaching the end. I hope I've said enough to get across why I feel like shit over this.

You need to let them pay for things if they choose. You dad wouldn’t have spent £48 on some trainers if he hadn’t wanted to.

By immediately transferring the money back to them you are insulting him, I don’t know why you can’t see this, you are implying either they can’t afford them or that it wasn’t their place to buy shoes, it’s your role and only your role. Grandparents like to treat grandchildren and feel useful and appreciated.

You transferred the money without any prior discussion, I wouldn’t dream of doing this and now you are bringing up the cost of the activities.

Obviously don't understand the back story but don’t understand how you can’t see your behaviour was dismissive and insulting.

I'd have a problem with that amount of over reach from grandparents as it would be part of them basically acting as though I make constant bad decisions and need bailing out.
I'm not sure how it is passive aggressive to pay for your child's clothes?

You could avoid a lot of this boundary smashing stuff by only spending time with them as a family and not involving them in your child's activities, which is a more appropriate distance for grandparents especially where your childhood was an unhappy one. Break their control.

shiny

Excellent post..
Op mumsnet is very funny when it comes to people giving you money... And as shiny said people with happy families only see the surface gesture. Not the huge iceberg of issues underneath.

Dh family is very much like this. They are very generous and we have been very very short!
But the pain, trouble and issue they cause personally I see that money as tiny fraction of compensation.

Dh has extremely low low contact with them. Like you op, every sentence is framed in style and tone as if dh is useless and who wants to hear it anymore?

Are they truly good to your dd, do you have supportive gp on the other side?
Do you actually need their money?

I'm a big believer in not expecting things people can't give.
Also that life is too short to spend around people who make you feel bad.
My dh has been v damaged by his dp but has no issues accepting money they put into bank. It doesn't make him feel obligated to do anything.

@Euromillsplz you were wrong to put the money into the account.

Grandparents buy their children things. You need to let them. Are you going to put money into his account , for everything he buys her?

Let him treat her

scuba if you don't understand the backstory then I don't understand how you can criticise the OP's behaviour.

I don't know how people can read the numerous posts on here from people who have had abusive parents but have found some peace and say because people arent agreeing with the OP they have no idea what its like

Scuba has a point because I'm sure ops dp also don't understand what they have done wrong, people like that Rarely consider their own behaviour!

That's part of the issue, they do no wrong, they are not self reflective so, it's good pov for op to see how she comes across to her dp.

All these people who resent their parents but have no problems taking their money! Have some self respect, honestly!

I find it interesting that they were so horrible to you, but you allow them lots of access to your DD, and they spend lots of money on her.

I have family members who were horrible to me growing up. I am NC.

And i mean money that their parents give to THEM, not their gcs

OP you are extremely defensive in your posts. If you are unwilling to take feedback then don't post on mumsnet.

@Trewser it's that pesky self confirmation bias. Anyone with a different view point is ignored or wrong.

Sometimes it is harder to accept a gift than to give one, in any event it was given to DD which is nice, but rather undermines your authority.
I would have asked you if it was alright for me to buy something like trainers, you may have been getting her some for a BD etc, but clearly conversation between you and your parents is strained. I think you should all go out to lunch, and try and overcome your differences, it won’t be easy. I come from a world that we would not answer back as it was considered being defiant. Just imagine "You can’t go on that swing!" why? "it doesn’t look safe?" Other children use it! " " It looks unsafe to me, and I've said No?", "you've gone on the swing!" yes it fine! "Snap"
Does that sound familiar. You need to live for now, and not in the past, and let them know they should ask when buying things like that. You may need to be the grown up one here, because they are part of your family and DDs family, despite errors they have made, you can be a better parent. Best Wishes

you were happy for them to have her on an inset day
however there has been a lack of communication.
just talk to each other. grin and bear it.
they were generous, in buying the trainers, you should have just picked up the phone and thanked them, and offered to reimburse them. a simple transfer without a conversation sounds like a slap in the face.

I think it was very rude of you to just transfer the money to your father without texting or ringing him to say thank you and ask if he wanted the money first.

I think you where being unreasonable and you would be very unreasonable to go NC over your father treating your daughter to new trainers.

On the surface, you were passive aggressive paying the money back.

However, it sounds like there is a whole background here which only you know about, and it's likely that your parents are trying to control you and your child through money.

In this case, you can't really accept the money but "not the attitude that comes with it". If you won't accept their money, don't. But if you accept it, you have to accept it with everything it entails. Your choice.

It sounds like you are locked in a battle over who pays for stuff- them or you. Even when they offer to pay for her activities, you offer to pay half, when they pay for her trainers, you put the money in the account. I don't see anything wrong with all this in a normal healthy family dynamic because you would be able to talk about it up front and in a calm nice way, but that's not your family. By having these money battles, it keeps you in negative contact with them and battling over the top of your daughter's head (it's not great she is passing on negative messages to you from her grandpa really).

None of this is your fault, but I don't think carrying on is an option. I would either a) just accept the money and say nothing about it, stop entering into constant debates about it or b) stop accepting the money and limit your contact that way. Also, get counselling to support you in all this or hang out on the Stately homes thread, there's some really supportive people there.

I get you OP. My parents were the same. They didn't nurture me growing up and I always wondered why they had kids. But when DD was born they suddenly became the best, most doting grandparents. They would have been furious about the transfer of money because it would have taken away the grand gesture of then buying DD something that mummy wouldn't. 'See grandad is the one who really loves you'.

My mum used to ring up and the first thing she'd say was 'can I speak to DD'. That was the only conversation she'd have with me.

They'd also pay for classes for DD, but they had to be the ones they wanted her to do, if she did something different they had no interest at all. They also used to give me money, which on the surface looks nice, but the fact is they used cash as a substitute for actually giving a shit about me.

Eventually I snapped and now haven't had contact with them for 4 years and I'm so much happier for it.

So they help you out with childcare and are generous with money...? Yeah, total bastards op

Eventually I snapped and now haven't had contact with them for 4 years and I'm so much happier for it

Do they still have contact with your dd?

So you will take the money and the childcare but complain that they are horrible people? What does that make you? You may have had a horrible childhood, many do (especially, it seems', on MN) and they cut ties and make it on their own.

Make your mind up and don't post on here wanting comments then ignore what the majority are telling you.

Completely with shiny, here.

I will say that in many ways life becam much nicer when I offended my mother once again and she dramatically removed herself from our lives (not so nice when fuckwit abusive father of my daughter engaged them in trying to crush me in court and my mother saw it an an opportunity to ‘see the granddaughter I’d prevented her from seeing’ - what an utter crock of shit.

If it were me I’d be doing exactly as you are now - going as LC as I can and, so long as they don’t start their shit with your daughter, allowing them to treat her etc but if they so much as begin to utter a sentence about you flee big then ir using them (likely would be far more subtle than that) then stop allowing them to pay for anything - they cannot have it both ways.

What I took from this post is

1. you hate them
2. they don't know how to communicate and are cold people
3. they are trying really hard with your DD
4. they like to spoil her, but you make it clear you don't like it when they do

You sound full of resentment, if it's driven by them, let them spoil their granddaughter and just be gracious about it.

You have a dysfunctional relationship with your parents. It clearly has a long and complex history. However, on this occasion, in terms of mere etiquette, you are being unreasonable. Your father bought your daughter a gift. It was not your place to reimburse him. A friendly conversation about whether he would like you to pay him back is fine. Putting the money in his account without communicating about it and having his agreement probably felt hurtful - like you were taking away his pleasure in giving your daughter a gift.

You need to put your resentment in context. My relationship with my parents is not perfect. They - particularly my mother - have always had a tendency to squash my enthusiasm and temper my goals. I would say I achieved despite her rather than because of her. However, I do not resent her. She is who she is. She can't help being that way. She is also, in her own undemonstrative way, a loving person. Your problems will be uniquely yours, but the idea of understanding and accepting who your parents are is just as relevant and you may find it valuable in helping you get along with them smoothly rather than always having these fractious spats over nothing.

Remember that you don't get to decide how they spend their money. If they want to indulge their grand daughter then you show appreciation. If you think that they are dysfunctional because they only way they can show affection is through being financially generous, then keep it to yourself and just make sure your daughter knows there are many ways of showing affection other than gifts. Different people in her life can model different examples of love, kindness and generosity.

Seems quite common that not so great parents become great GP. Maybe it's their way of compensating for your childhood. Forget what's happened with the trainers and start fresh either don't use for babysitting duties or do use and accept their financial input