To have such minimal contact with my parents?

[Euromillsplz]

There's never been much of a relationship, but the way my mum spoke to me last night has sparked this post. They make me feel like shit; a silly little girl. I'm 41.

A couple of weeks ago, they had dd9 on inset day- well my dad did which is almost unheard of, as mum had plans. Long story short- he bought her a pair of £48 trainers she'd been begging me for as she got soaked in a puddle (standard). He also took her for lunch in a nice restaurant, swimming etc. I was grateful (and impressed!)

That evening when I saw how much the trainers were, I put £50 in their account. Sent my dad a text saying thanks so much for having her, I'm paying you back for the trainers. He didn't reply.

Next time they picked dd up from school she came back with £2 change for me. His way of being passive aggressive and petty. Dd told me he said he wasn't happy with me putting the money in. Still no text though.

Had a rare (always uncomfortable and awkward) phone call with mum last night (almost never speak to dad- he actively showed no interest in me growing up - I was insignificant, not as good as others in the world so why bother trying or having goals when there's so much competition out there, etc etc- a very minor snapshot). Trying hard not to digress incoherently but because there's SO MUCH it's hard to get my point across without the extra detail, otherwise it sounds petty.

So last night- she makes her point as usual that it's a phone call (albeit rare) about dd (in case I get above my station and think she's showing any interest in me). About one of her activities- they insist on paying for most of her extracurricular things, which of course I appreciate.

I commented that i'd seen how expensive each session was and said I'd pay half, to which she replied in her VERY best patronising tone "oh stop going ON about it". I said I'm not going on about it, I've only said it once!- to which she stuttered something, then said "and that money you put back in our account, dad didn't want you to". I said I wasn't doing it to annoy anyone- DD had been begging me for those trainers and maybe she'd done the same to him. Oh she didn't like that- as if he'd be so weak as to give in to a child's demands (she didn't say as much but still).

The rest of the phone call was a standard exercise in trying to get off the phone. Afterwards I felt shit all evening. They'd put me back in my place- silly little girl who shouldn't try to make decisions for herself. Who dared to go against her parent's authority. Who deliberately tried to mess up their control over my daughter.

Because there's so much else, I probably haven't explained this very well and it might sound petty.

My parents are not in the least rich- they're just mortgage free and seem to be able to pay for things without a problem. My dad has been generous over the years and has been known to put 500 in my bank account for example- which has of course helped out endlessly. But theres no relationship. There's a lot of growing up stuff I can't really forgive. Constant - CONSTANT- negativity, put downs, unhidden resentment that he had children at all. Unemotional (apart from anger)- yet we were categorically NOT ALLOWED to show anger. Ever. Saying anything at all after he'd spoken was answering back, being impertinent.

With my daughter it's like he's suddenly found how to be a 'perfect parent' and my mother being the meek little enabler that she is (she's another story in herself) seems to think I should shut up and be grateful. Yes, I'm grateful for the financial help. Just not for the attitude that goes with it.

There's a lifetime of stuff I should probably leave out for fear of no-one reaching the end. I hope I've said enough to get across why I feel like shit over this.

"It sounds like they show love through money"

"Material goods might be the only way they know how to show love these days,"

The OP's dad also took her child out for a nice lunch and took her swimming. Yes, those things cost money but aren't just material. They are shared experiences. Maybe OP's dad knows he wasn't the best father and is trying to be better with his gd?

@milliefiori- thank you.

@nanbread- yes, you have a point..

Thanks @brittlestar- I will have a look. We dont speak much. In an ideal world we'd be close with NO issues, but I know that's not possible now

Your thread title is misleading OP as you have a lot of contact with them. I'm afraid you need to learn to be grateful for what you have (money for activities and active Gps). Your life will be happier.

You sound so bitter and resentful, the way you speak about them and the description of your dad and how he treated you growing up. If you dislike them that much and actually describe them as horrible people then you shouldn't have contact with them.
You are picking up on the people agreeing with you and arguing with the (majority of) people who think you didn't help the situation.
It's up to you what you do but maybe should should reflect on some of the points people have raised about your behaviour?

It sounds very much as though money has become a form of power in your relationship with your parents. They pay for something - it makes you feel beholden and resentful towards them. So you try and repay them and they feel insulted, as though their generosity is being thrown back in their face.

There’s clearly a very difficult relationship between you all and it sounds as though your DD is becoming a weapon in that battle. Your post oozes dislike and resentment. You say you feel like they treat you as a silly little child but you come across as a little petulant so you’re feeding that dynamic.

I think you need to keep your distance as much as possible. Let them have their relationship with their granddaughter but don’t let them pay for things like after school clubs. That’s a parents responsibility and the lines are becoming blurred. Then if they do want to treat your DD when they have her, let them and make sure she thanks them as the gift is for her, not you.

I went through very similar as a child and an adult. I think the negative comments from people are ones that thankfully have never been through this, which is good for them but not for you. Ignore those comments they haven't a clue about family situations like that. The best way I dealt with it was to do a 'mental switch' I distanced myself by not allowing it to affect me anymore. Same as you, excellent grandparents, crap parents. Nod, make the correct noises then forget about it, it takes a lot of practice but you are not defined by your parents. You can stop the control they have by choosing it. Don't argue, don't overthink it, just let it happen and brush it off and carry on with your life because you are a good person, you can achieve whatever you want and the only one who has the right to judge you is yourself x

There’s nothing wrong with paying someone back if they buy you child a pair of shoes. It’s not “passive-aggressive” and any grown adult who is “upset” or “offended” by such an act needs to fuck up immediately.

OP, it’s just a stick to beat you with and there will always be something. Fuck them and their pathetic tantrum.

If you feel so awkward about people paying for things then why do you take random lots of £500 from them? Why are they paying for activities? They can't have set this repayments up without your help, so they've offered and you've accepted.
If they arebushc horrible people and you want nothing to do with them then you wouldn't accept, it's not hard to say no when you barely care about the people.

You accept money from them. You accept them paying for stuff you should be paying for, but when he buys her some trainers you send the money back? Whatever your relationship with them, those trainers were a gift from him to her... and you barged in and threw it back at him. It was rude.

You need to decide what way your relationship with them goes. Either stop taking money from them and do it alone like you should or take the money but stop being moody when they pick up gifts for her.

Oh, and what your parents have done/do has a name it's emotional abuse

Of course there can be separate relationships.

You can accept people in your life that have flaws. You can put boundaries in place without screaming toxic and no contact. You can understand that 'toxic' people probably are deeply unhappy and had a shit childhood themselves with unresolved trauma.

I've had a lot of counselling and I'm now more successful than my mother. I earn more, I'm loved more and have a lovely life. Maybe that helps but I really have moved on. That's why my mother can have a relationship with my DC without it bothering me. She has bought my DC the odd top or jacket and I've said thank you and not thought about it again.

OP I can only give you my example of having an emotionally abusive parent who is a good grandparent. I'm glad I enabled their relationships and I'm glad my DC have a grandparent who, possibly because of her regret is a good grandparent. She doesn't take over my life or try to control me anymore as I put boundaries in place.

Believe me, my childhood would make a misery memoir.

I actually don't have contact with my parents but they do send the dcs a present of money on their birthdays. I thank them by text and we move on. I haven't seen them in rl for 6 years now. It seems hypocritical of you to say how horrible they are but to be happy to take the cash and childcare.

lulualla OP clearly does care about her parents. This isn't really about money but control and respect. Do you see that?

Thanks @comeasyouare1- I think you've hit the nail on the head- all those saying I'm petulant and passive aggressive/ungrateful simply haven't had the experiences we have. I spend most of the time I do see my parents trying to please them.

There are some really understanding and helpful posts by others too and I'm sorry not to tag you at the moment, but it's really appreciated. Someone said about the relationships thread- thank you.

To those who simply dont get it and enjoy kicking someone when they're down- learning curve for me, maybe I've posted on the wrong thread/word it badly.

I will come back on later but need to go for now.

Thank you @jamdhanihash x

If it makes you this agitated to think that you might have handled something badly then counselling is the way to go OP.

Your child can have a different relationship with your parents that you did, OP. I assume that your child likes them and gets on well with them?

You don't have to take their money at all, but I would also think it was passive-aggressive to put £50 in their account (especially if you keep £500 when they send it!).

But I do think this comes down to your child having a better relationship with them than you did.

Is there anyone you can talk to about your childhood? The effects are still there OP.
I’m middle aged and only now starting to realise the impact my upbringing has on my day to day life.
I’m fairly sure if my mother wasn’t dead I wouldn’t have any relationship with her. It’s only since she’s passed that I have a good one with my Dad and he is a great grandad.
Sometimes I watch him playing with my kids and feel a whole host of unreasonable emotions. Anger, jealously, resentment etc. Why is he so nice to them and yet was such an angry person when I was a child?
It’s hard to understand.
I guess you have to do what I did and decide whether the relationship your child has with them is worth the emotional pain it causes you.
For me it is. I don’t want to deprive my children from their grandad.
If you feel the same, just go as low contact with them as you can get away with.

I have an excellent relationship with my parents BUT my dad is a waaaaay better grandad than he was a parent and even he admits that. He really struggles to show affection other than in banter piss taking form with me and my brothers and I don't remember him being a cuddly affectionate dad when we were little but he's totally different with our kids. He knows that and says how it's easier this time round - there's not the stresses that goes alongside being a parent. Perhaps it's that?

Also- I don't have a problem or resent them for paying for things. It's the feeling that they dont allow me to make a payment if I want to- basically to show my appreciation that they pay for a lot.

I understand about wanting to pay, but in honesty if it's creating bad feeling and stress for you the hassle that comes with it; can you put the money they spend in savings accounts for your DD? If you know they won't change, try and make something that works for you and your family.

It sounds like they treated you badly as a child and now are lavishing your dd which is very hurtful given their attitude still towards you. Only you know if this is guilt lavishing or manipulative toxic lavishing, going by your OP you see toxic. That must only add to the hurt and your discomfort.

The money sounds like a way for you to take back control, for you to step away from the manipulation but it isn't working because rather then assert boundaries all that happens is they get upset and offended and then make you feel upset. Your text and choice has come across abrupt and passive aggressive to some people here and that's without the whole unpleasant dynamic you have with your parents. So such actions can be interpreted differently even when people have great relationships.

I would post in Stately Homes OP. Not about one incident but about your childhood and your dds relationship with her grandparents. It all sounds volatile and uneasy, you will probably get good advice on disengaging and seeing your role and theirs in this behaviour.

OP I feel for you because you’ve grown up surrounded by constant put downs, passive aggressive snipes and negativity you can’t see the wood through the trees. I don’t think you intended to cause offence by paying the money back but I think it’s just ingrained passive aggressive behaviour that your parents have shown to you. I never say go NC/Lc but maybe for the sake of your daughter and yourself start thinking about if this is a healthy relationship and if it’s in your daughters interest to have a relationship with them.

There’s clearly a very difficult relationship between you all and it sounds as though your DD is becoming a weapon in that battle. Your post oozes dislike and resentment. You say you feel like they treat you as a silly little child but you come across as a little petulant so you’re feeding that dynamic.

Couldn't agree more. I grew up with abusive parents and so I do understand how complex and fraught these situations can be.

However you're an adult now, you are responsible for yourself and if they as bad as you feel they are then you should protect your daughter from them and have no contact at all.

All this resentment, animosity and 'he did this, she said that but meant something else...' isn't healthy or normal.

Op - people aren't kicking you, they are just responding to your post. They are offering different viewpoints on the situation.
My Dad was emotionally abusive to me. But strangely he did have a wonderful relationship with his grandchildren who loved him and had no idea that things were bad between the two of us. It is possible for there to be a different relationship. No use you keep arguing that it isn't when people like me know from experience that it can happen.
Grandparent treats grandchild to a gift. That's the end of it normally. Mum might tell him off and say "You didn't need to do that, it's such a lot of money" but is it normal to pay the cost directly into his bank account? No it isn't and many would be hurt by that.

Put it this way - if another relative, or a friend, brought your child a lovely present, you wouldn't be trying to put the price into their account would you?
I think you should just be happy for your child that they at least can have a decent relationship with your parents. It's not easy - I know that - but that's how it is.