I want to leave my wife but not my child

[Bc2019]

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

How old is your son?

I think you sound like you have made positive changes and I don't think I could live with someone so mean they make you feel bad for having a snack when you are hungry. That's just cruel and controlling.
But I would walk out without trying to make it work a trial separation explaining you cannot live that way

Really hope all works out for you.

Wouldn't

The financial stuff sounds like an issue.

On the other hand, if you have both recently had a baby, her complaining about you spending time away from the basics of keeping a small child alive 24 hours a day is more understandable. Does she have time for a hobby too?

Early years are tough for everyone. I wouldn’t make any life changing relationship decisions right now if you can avoid it.

So all these problems began before you had your baby? I'm not sure of the timeline. Why did she stop working?

Yes because I'm capable of keeping my son alive too.....I take care of him and take him out places and try to give her as much time to herself to do what she wants with. She goes to see her friends and stuff This isn't a new thing since my son has been born btw

The early years after having a baby are notoriously difficult.

Obviously I don’t know your situation but sometimes things aren’t as black and white as one person’s view.

For example: “she doesn’t have any hobbies” - she may be too busy doing childcare and housework to have time for her own interests; the financial stuff - it’s sensible to prioritise essential expenditure over personal indulgences.

Relationship counselling would be a really good idea, I think. It may help you both see each other’s perspectives and find a way through this difficult time. Or it may just confirm that the relationship isn’t going to work and help you negotiate it’s end in a mutually respectful way.

Why did you decide to bring a baby into a poor relationship?

Purpledaisies 4 months

We didn't think we could have kids

The first 2-3 years of parenthood are a real test for any relationship. Lots of people divorce or separate. Others manage to cling on but they have to rebuild their devastated relationship. Your feelings are nothing new.

If I had a small baby I’d also be annoyed if the father was wasting time playing guitar instead of getting on with housework or taking his child off my hands to give me a rest. You don’t get to have hobbies - you have responsibilities. It’s not surprising that an exhausted new mum is argumentative and bad tempered. As others have said I’d avoid judging your relationship right now when it’s under the strain of a new baby.

This is similar to me and dh 30 odd years ago, you do need to improve but you have a little one.
What helped us was having a sort of weekly emotional meeting, seriously with notes.
You have to take it in turns, set a timer for each to speak.
Making sure we both had free time even if just 30 mins a week.
Finances should be your priority, it isn't always about agreeing or disagreeing but a 50/50 compromise.
If either party isn't prepared to meet the other half way then you're wasting your time.

I mean, why not deal with the issues then - or walk away - instead of getting into this dilemma?

Did you give up weed when your child was born ? The lovely way you speak of your son and your creative streak in appreciating and playing an instrument may help you .
Could you perhaps express all your feelings in a song you compose yourself ? You started off loving each other enough to make a life together and your child .
For sure nothing grinds you down like financial worries and arguments about who spends what . Try to tell her just how you feel . So often we lose the will to just say what’s on our minds . You might find that she softens when you open up . You are certainly not painting her in a bad light - you say you are not perfect and neither is she - but a lot of her problem could be worry and fear of the future and she like you can’t open up and share it .

Ah, just saw your post. So your ds has been a wee miracle for your both. Things don't sound good OP but a last push toward marriage counselling perhaps is surely worth it, given the alternative is a divorce and both of you seeing less of your son.

You have a 4 month old? Well sorry but arguing is normal. If she’s dealing with a 4 month old and you’re shutting yourself away strumming on your guitar for hours every night then no wonder she’s cheesed off. That’s pretty selfish. Are you doing your fair share of housework? Are you booking a babysitter once a month and taking her out on a date? Are you bringing flowers/chocs home just because. How have you made her feel special after she’s had your baby? What gift did you get her after she gave birth? Are you taking photos of her and the baby regularly and getting them framed for her? Are you asking if she wants a cup of tea? Are you doing bath/bedtime for baby? Are you cooking her dinner/doing the food shopping so she gets a break? Newborns are exhausting and you should be picking up at least 75% of everything right now. Are you telling her to go get a bath go get a nap while you takeover? If you aren’t doing any of those things (and there’s more that I just don’t have time to write) then you’ve massively failed your partner and you need to get off your guitar and start supporting your partner. Right now is THE time in a new mother’s life where she should come first and she should be getting utter and unconditional support from you without resentment or question until that baby is sleeping 12 hours uninterrupted through the night. Now, look at yourself hearing what I’ve just said and tell me if you are playing the part that a supportive partner is supposed to be right now?

AtholIplace i do take our son off her hands and do house work.....I give her time to herself to do what she likes I get that she's exhausted we both are.......but I don't take it out on her and I do everything I can to help.

If my husband had played a guitar when our first baby was four months old ... a guitar ... I can't even.

Also, don't make yourself a snack. Make A MEAL for your FAMILY. Your wife is probably hungry too! If she's breastfeeding, she's absolutely ravenous. Plus, she likely hasn't slept in four months.

When I first read your post, I thought you were trolling, OP. Guitar lol.

Oh and just for comparison so that you know what a good/supportive/decent partner does, when my son was born my partner booked and sent me to a weekend retreat when he was a few months old so that I could get a break/some sleep. That’s the type of thing that breeds love and respect and understanding. Quid pro quo. If you want to be left alone to do your hobbies then you should be making effort with her first. If you’ve done naff all for her or with her then yeah, she’s effed off with you putting hobbies above her. How many baby bath/bed times have you done out of the last 7? How many nappies have you changed today? How many cups of tea have you made her today?

You can't leave your wife with a four month old baby without being a bit of a shit. Sorry but you have to work together through this first year (for many the hardest they have) before making a decision to leave. You would miss out on so much - you are unlikely to get overnights with a small baby and so will have very reduced contact compared to what you have now.

Nomoreclue I have my faults but I am not selfish and you seem.to have only pick one thing out of my post. I do my fair share of the house work I buy her plenty but it's always the wrong thing (even before we had a child) I don't shut myself away from hours on end strumming away on my guitar I dont even play every day......no I don't book a babysitter so we can go out because she never wants too (not with me anyway again this has been since before) yes I do bath bedtime for my son I enjoy every minute I spend with him, I take over every night so she can have a bath I cook for her every night I have him for a few hours every night so she can watch her programs in peace. I have stated I am not perfect but I have not fucking failed her or my son.

Have you had any practical advice about what would be likely to happen if you did decide to separate?

Wow so many angry PPs!!
For what it's worth, OP, I couldn't imagine life without music with my three month old. I sing to him, play him music to sing along to, and get my husband to join in. If I could play guitar to my baby I would do it every day, he loves hearing music/hearing singing, and it's so good for little ones' brain development and language acquisition. If anyone in the house told me to stop making music with my baby I would tell them to fuck off. You sound like you're trying your best but you and your wife aren't visioning parenthood the same way. You both need to communicate and if she won't do that, you need to try couples counselling. I think her ideas about money are probably a reflection on the fact she's a) not working and she's b) scared about how much babies cost. Has she or you been checked for PND by midwives/HVs etc? Do you both know where to get help if PND is the problem? Dads can get it too.
Some people on here will tell you you're not good enough no matter what you do because you're a dad. It says more about them and their negative life experiences than it says about you.