I want to leave my wife but not my child

[Bc2019]

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

In sickness and in health, for better or worse...........

Don't throw in the towel this early on. Better times will come.

I would try Relate, but I would very gently suggest PND to her. Say you've found some great support or something (find it man).

This is a marriage with a tiny baby who would test a saint (I've been a single mother throughout, but I've no doubt I'd be single were I married, as I became mad as a hatter).

The pressures on you can be huge. Organising Christenings, Christmas, birthdays and so on. It's all so much when all you can do is get out of bed and tend to your baby.

Give it time.

You owe it to yourself and your family to try and make things work if you can. Not least because in reference to your title, you will have much less contact with your child if you leave. It's very unlikely a judge would grant you o/n access before he's at least a year old, especially if your DW is breastfeeding.

If the situation isn't unbearable, set a limit for things to improve and try and address all the issues one by one. Don't be a doormat, but try to look at the whole situation as impartially as you can and consider honestly whether you could make some improvements. And bear in mind that looking after a four month old is exhausting, for both of you.

Christ I always think those who say men are treated more harshly on MN are not reading the same threads as me. Some women are treated incredibly harshly with little justification. I have been worried about the women who have started some threads because of some responses.

Try to be forgiving to her and hug her every now and then. Even if she rolls away, it means you care. She'll know.

@jennymanara exactly my point, so why were all the PPs before my post grilling the OP if we don’t have the full picture.
He clearly stated that he helps with housework, cooks every night, takes baby out, gives mom time alone etc.... awful!

@venustiger Because people make things up. Just like the posters who said he was a great dad are making things up. None of us know. He might be a wonderful dad and father or a total pain and thinking only of himself. We do not know.
But couple counselling should get to the bottom of it.

So according to some posters if a new father spends any time whatsoever on something for himself he's a selfish waster?

OP sounds like a decent guy. I'm sure he's only spending time that's reasonable on his music. And if he gets a quick snack for himself that's a selfish act? Seriously? By the sound of it anything he does is going to irritate his wife, which is natural for many new mothers. So provided his guitar playing isn't for hours on end and he helps out, there's no reason to give it up.

@jennymanara

Some women are treated incredibly harshly with little justification

And the exact same can be said in this case and in threads I’ve read where the OP is male.

Your suggestion that people make things up is completely and utterly beside the point!

On MN, people post problems and ask for advice, you’re not supposed to go ‘no, you’re probably making this up, so I’ll give you a bollocking/refer you to a counsellor for them to deal with’ what’s the point in any of your posts if you believe that!

Some questions OP

How long before conceiving were you this unhappy?

Have you actually asked her if she wants to remain as a couple?

How was the pregnancy, did you welcome it, did she? Were you involved?

Was it planned?

Had you had medical investigation that told you and her you couldn't conceive?

Is there a medical reason she's not worked for years?

You say this has been going on long before the pregnancy, but that you are being a partner in this relationship.

Do you recall when this started?

She sounds very worried about money, very!

Again, why has she not worked for years then?

Leave OP. But do it in the most practical, kind way that you can. It will be better for all of you. Try to arrange things so that you can spend as much time with your boy as possible. Your wife will value some time to herself if the arrangement is easy and amicable.

You deserve to be happy. As does she. You might both find new partners who are better suited. I hope so.

Great dads don’t walk out on their tiny babies

I don't believe it would be sensible to leave right now, I think you should have an honest conversation about how you feel and whether theres a way to go ahead with you both under the same roof sharing the baby care, if there isnt, and you can't find a way to do this together then you will need to move out.

Is it your marital home bought together?

Going from being a couple to becoming a family is a massive life transition. I think everyone struggles with it. Me and my husband certainly did and in later life as a relationship counsellor I met countless couples in similar difficulties. I would strongly suggest you get some counselling (preferably together but on your own if necessary) before making a decision.

Wow. Especially @15nomoreclue
OP if you aren't happy together change it.
You can still be a loving father under different arrangements.
You shouldn't have to live with constant negatives when clearly you are committed to your son.
Good luck. I hope it works out.

If possible, do try and stick it out for a year. During that time your wife would almost certainly be main carer and you would get quite restricted access to your son. Staying in the family unit will enable you to build a much closer bond with him and maybe, just maybe rekindle your relationship with your wife.
Try and think of it as starting with a clean slate. Suggest an equitable arrangement for finances so you each get a bit of spending money without censure. Suggest an arrangement that your wife agrees to with regard to guitar practice and music. Hobbies definitely shouldn't need to stop but something like music shouldn't always be your taste or always on.
Make sure your wife isn't suffering from PND and try and get her to seek help if she is.
If you really can't face living together any longer then accept that you will see much less of your son.

End this depressing entanglement before your son gets accustomed to dysfunction.

Unsurprisingly, having a child did not make a bad relationship better, it just exposed and expanded on an already unhealthy dynamic.

@nomoreclue bloody hell girl you don't want much do you?! That's just greedy and very expectant of you. My DH is the most thoughtful and wonderful person in the world but my god I'd wonder wtf he'd done if he did all that.
The woman hasn't worked in years, she should go out and buy her own flowers and chocolates. Also id like to know if she does anything for the OP! She gave birth to a baby, woop de do

It's possible that this is one of those relationships that should have been put to an end a while back; one of those that was only persisting because neither partner was sufficiently unhappy to call a halt; there was no abuse and if it was dull and miserable it was at least familiar. And then there was an unplanned pregnancy, and all the weight of social pressure to 'make a go of it now there's a baby on the way'. So you end up with two people who are not really very compatible, not really very keen on each other, trying to be A Happy Family when they are both exhausted.
OP, if you feel there is anything to salvage; if you still feel attracted to/in love with your partner then it's worth considering counselling. If you feel more resentment than affection then it's time to plan a civil exit from the relationship.

Actually I think nomoreclue was having us on. Quitedrab certainly was. Nice job.

Honestly, the fact that you have a 4 month old baby yet needed to actively look for something to fill all your 'free time' tells me you're not pulling your weight.

When DH and I had our first and he was 4 months old- there was no free time for me. Zero.

I can tell you where I would have wanted to shove DH's guitar if he'd decided that was the best time to revive his passion for music.

How much free time does your partner get for her hobbies? Keep a timesheet for a week on how you spend your time and how she spends hers.

Are you often helping yourself to snacks (that it sounds like haven't been budgeted for), and not getting anything for her? Make a meal for both of you. Or bake biscuits from scratch to save money if she's worried about the food bill.

This nomoreclue person is bizarre. I say that as a pregnant woman with a FT job and pre schooler who’s also largely exhausted. It’s the way they rammed on and on and on and just attacked. Jesus Christ.

I remember with our first baby everything my DH did annoyed me. I was feeling so shit most of the time that I hated myself too. It turned out I had post natal depression.

Luckily my DH was the type that sticks because we are still here 23 years later.

@Soon2BeMumof3 I'm sure "free time" was a poor use of words on his part. But is he not allowed to spend any time outside of working or helping his wife? Not even a few minutes here or there? Especially as he's the sole earner and has been for some time apparently.

Actually I guess its the sound of the guitar that irritates his wife, and why she preferred he smoke weed instead... Maybe get an electric guitar and play it unplugged or with just earphones plugged in.

Your marriage sounds terrible OP. And it sounds like a lot of PPs are projecting their own, or other people's, past experiences of feckless husbands on here, rather than really reading your posts. If she was like this before then it doesn't suggest that it's anything to do with PND or you not pulling your weight.

No one should be pulling another adult up for having a snack at home. And equally no one should prevent another adult from having any free time whatsoever. If you're working, cooking the dinner, doing housework and having the baby then it sounds like you're pulling your weight. Unfortunately there are lots of threads on here about men spending all weekend on their hobbies (usually cycling) completely absolving themselves of family life and it tends to colour the responses to any man posting on here.

I don't think it helps any child to grow up in a household where there are constant arguments. So I think you should consider leaving at some point. The first few months are probably not best because your wife does deserve some support at that time, and because you're unlikely to get much access for the reasons given by PPs.

What are the finances like? Is there a reason your wife is being so careful with money? You haven’t given context or explained why she hasn’t worked.

I would be very careful about leaving now. Your wife sounds overwhelmed and may not cope well with the baby alone. Coupled with this overnight visits are not recommended to babies so you will be left with having two afternoons at the weekend with your ds for example for the next couple of years. You don’t sound ready for this.

All in all I would look at couples therapy. Talk to the health visitor. Ask them to drop round to see your wife as you are worried about her. She’s stressed and on edge. See if they think she has post natal depression.