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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave my wife but not my child

202 replies

Bc2019 · 24/10/2019 23:37

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

OP posts:
Velveteenfruitbowl · 25/10/2019 15:54

She is clearly being abusive. She’s telling off the OP for eating for gods sake. Eating!

OP, unfortunately given that she is the main carer for your child and there are no concerns about her parenting it’s not going to be in your son’s best interests to leave her and be with you.

MangoSalsa · 25/10/2019 15:59

Unless there is abuse, stick it out until your child is at least 4.

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 16:01

She might not even want you to stay OP.

You just won't know unless you speak to her !!!

You certainly cannot expect to hang around deceitfully meantime. Its only going to make a toxic environment worse.

Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 16:06

@KnowMenClature you seem to be making a lot of assumptions.......like about the whole conciveing and saying I have said one thing but not another....

OP posts:
KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 16:11

Oh, sorry, didn't you not say you couldn't have dc?

I've really asked you questions to try to understand your situation. I know about your guitar and singing and your retaliation at other posters, but it takes more depth to give you any kind of meaningful support.

It is key to what what are asking for answers for.

Asking is not to have made speculative responses and assumptions that appear in many of the posts on here.

It makes sense to ask her, will you? Have you not had these conversations before now? If so, whats her view, if not, whatever not?

Not assuming, asking, again, otherwise responses arw pointless, aren't they?

Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 16:17

@KnowMenClature yes but I dont understand your assumption of "we just stopped using contraception and nothing happened for years so we just assumed we couldn't have kids" like were did that come from.....

OP posts:
KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 16:39

Be easier to just tell me what I got wrong, in the interests of moving forward?

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 16:44

I mean how wrong am I in taking that from you saying you couldn't have kids?

You don't seem to be prepared to say anything but rather query me for asking?

How did you come to have a baby then, or think that you couldn't? Did you assume that you couldn't, if so, why, years of trying, if not medically dx?

What reason could you have to think you couldn't have dc if not medical? Have ended up with a baby?

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 16:45

Its hard to answer without some key insights into your lives and backstory.

Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 17:57

There's a really strange dynamic here if your wife has no particular reason for being unable to get a new job. Why on earth would there not be a conversation "so, what jobs have you applied for then?" And especially, when you are told something is too expensive why on earth do you not say "if you are about our finances you need to get a job". Obviously different now there is a baby, but I cannot get my head round one person not working who is fit and able. Unless you married Sting or someone similar.

Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 18:02

@KnowMenClature I don't know how relevant our medical history is to this but we were told that there was ver very little chance of conciveing naturally pretty much our only shot was ivf treatment but somehow it did happen naturally for us.

By what I ment was one of your previous comments you was talking as if I had somewhere down the line said we had been trying for years and just assumed we could not not have a child without consulting a doctor

OP posts:
Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 18:10

KnowMenClature

" so you stopped contraception and tried for a long time to conceive without any medical input. So you didn't actually know that tou couldn't, which is not what you said."

This is the post that I'm confused by......

OP posts:
Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 18:11

KnowMenClature

X-posted. Ah, so you stopped contraception and tried for a long time to conceive without any medical input. So you didn't actually know that tou couldn't, which is not what you said.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 25/10/2019 19:15

What was your sex life like before the baby OP? That would be a big indicator of her feelings towards you. It sounds like she just might have fallen out of love with you. Her behavior is also very strange and indicative of some kind of personality problem. I don't blame you for wanting to leave her.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 19:39

I would also potentially be concerned that this controlling and unreasonable attitude towards food might be bad for your DC - one meal a day would not be good for a small child as weaned babies and toddlers need to eat small amounts regularly. Would she listen to health visitors etc about this?

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 19:45

These were merely attempts to explain your responses. I do apologise if Ive caused you any offence. It does seem that you would have tried though, to have consulted medics and have that dx.

It wasn't ruled out then, just low chance, so you didn't take precautions and thereforw conceived?

Anyway, the point being you both took a risk (you thought a low one) but didn't use contraception, and your OH had been out of a job long term?

Is there, were there money concerns.

What discussions have you had and whats her take on it? Does she want out? Does she want to make it work, what?

zebrasdontwearbras · 25/10/2019 22:04

OP you are being evasive.You could have answered my questions earlier - but I notice you haven't. Here they are again:

OP - does she actually stop you having more than one meal a day - or does she just moan at you or argue with you about it? Utterly unreasonable for either partner to control a partner's eating - of course it is. You should be able to eat what you want (within reason and budget).

Re. the money - as you are the earner, you must be able to arrange it so that you can access the money too? So does she /can she actually prevent you having access to money - or just moan/argue about your spending?

You can arrange for your salary to be paid into a bank account of your choosing if you want to have more control over the finances - so this is not financial abuse in the same way as when the person earning the money holds tight to the purse strings and doesn't allow a non-working partner access to the money.

Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 22:34

@zebrasdontwearbras I'm sorry I have not answered your question it's hard to keep up with answering everybody and I'm new to this site.

No she doesn't keep money from me but she is very argumentative and abusive when I spend any on something she considers unreasonable like a drink for work or buying stuff to make sandwiches for work.

She is basically terrible with money and spends it in things she wishes (we have a joint bank account) I have taken her card out with me before it then she acts as if I am the one that is in the wrong and we have further arguments about it.

I totally understand I should of done more about this before she was pregnant with my child and for that I only have myself to blame.

Tbh when I was smoking weed heavily things just didn't get to me as much because I could block them out and partly couldn't see how bad things were.

I know that is a shitty excuse and only have myself to blame again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 22:36

@Chilledout11

Thankyou sorry for the late reply but I appreciate your positive response. I am happy I dont rely on that habbit anymore I just wish my wife would see it as a positive

OP posts:
Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 22:40

@Majorcollywobble

No I gave it up a while before. I do write my own music but I doubt she would appreciate a song but it's a nice thought I have attempted to open up to her few times but I just get shut down

OP posts:
Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 22:43

Scott72 our sex life has always been on and off really for long time she didn't want it all then she shows signs of interest then back to nothing at all

OP posts:
KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 22:47

Does she know this?

Have you said its over?

Sorry, I didn't understand the bit about you taking her card out?

Original poster
Bc2019 · 25/10/2019 22:48

@imundecided your advice was fine and much appreciated than you. Most of these problems have since before our child along but I understand that there is added stress.

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 25/10/2019 22:53

To go back to your original post about not wanting to leave your child- have a think about if you can do this for the next 18 years or more. If you know its over it will be easier all round to do it sooner rather than later than drag it out IMO. Best of luck, I think you sound like you've made some positive changes to your life and are a good dad who's trying really hard, which is all any one of us can do.

IdiotInDisguise · 25/10/2019 23:08

Hold in there OP, the first few months are horrendous, she might be exhausted, hormonal, sleep deprived and nobody in that situation is good company. But things get better once the baby starts sleeping through.

I would give it another 6-8 months and re assess the situation, at the moment you are at the worst of the storm, but it can pass, so don’t throw the towel just yet.