I want to leave my wife but not my child

[Bc2019]

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

I think that once you have a child you owe it to them to do everything you can to save a struggling relationship.

As pp have said, the first year is incredibly hard as you both adjust to the demands of a baby, the loss of free and couple time, the desperate tiredness, the expense. Whilst you will be feeling all of this keenly, your wife will also be exhausted from feeding and may also be experiencing post natal depression.

I think it would be very cruel to leave now, while your baby is so young, and without talking to your wife about the severity of the situation or trying couples counselling.

I think that communication and counselling may help you to see each other's point of view and part amicably if reconciliation proves impossible.

For example, she may feel that the guitar is taking you away from family responsibilities, or she may feel that there is something more productive you could be doing with your time, or she may just be jealous because she doesn't have time for hobbies at the moment, or the noise might be getting on her last exhausted nerve.

She may feel that the snack is expensive (if money is tight), or you used food she had planned to use for dinner, or you didn't offer to make her a snack, or you didn't clear up properly afterwards.

It would be rare I think for someone to be genuinely angry that their partner was playing a musical instrument or eating food. There will be more to it. You need to talk to each other without criticism, communicate properly, attend counselling and plan to part and co-parent brilliantly if that does indeed end up being the only option.

What were you both told was the cause of infertility?

OP states that he’s the only wage earner and has been for some time. That he doesn’t play the guitar much, so it’s not “constant” as PP have accused him of. That he does at least some bed and bath times and other housework and that his partner does go out - she just doesn’t want to go out with him

OP -
At this age you’re barely going to see your DC if you leave the relationship. Certainly nothing by comparison to what you do now. You’ll miss so many moments of their early life.

Believe me, being separated and having even 50:50 care (which is unlikely to start with) is nothing like being there full time. My exW cheated on me and I was forced into only 50:50 when my youngest was older than yours (but still a long way pre-school age) and THAT was wrenching enough. I can’t imagine missing all those younger milestones as well.

My advice would be to try and stick it out for a while longer and see if things improve as your DC gets a bit older, more rewarding and slightly less work.

IF OP replaced ‘took up guitar’ with ‘took up cycling’...

IF OP replaced ‘took up guitar’ with ‘took up cycling’...

You mean if he replaced something he does at home for presumably a couple of hours, 3-4 times a week and costs nothing more than a few packs of strings and the odd plectrum to something that takes him out of the house for hours at a time, costs shitloads and has the constant risk of injury?

If my husband had played a guitar when our first baby was four months old ... a guitar ... I can't even.

What a strange response.

I still played my guitar when my son was 4 months old. In fact, I also did a music diploma through the OU so that i didnt get bored on maternity leave and because I had done my degree in something completely unrelated.

People don't stop existing because they have a baby you know!

It would be pretty shit to walk out your your wife and newborn.

Ring up for counselling. Sometimes it just takes having a certain time and place with that third party therapist, to communicate better.

Most of us can get cranky when we're exhausted and not getting our needs met or feel like we're not being heard.

if OP replaced ‘took up guitar’ with ‘took up cycling’...

...then it would be an entirely different situation and not relevant in the slightest.

You're getting a lot of flack here OP simply because you're male. Sorry about that.

Obviously we can't know both sides of the story but it certainly sounds like you're trying your best for your child.

To me it sounds like it was an unhealthy relationship before you had your baby and I expect you would have gone your separate ways eventually if you hadn't had your little miracle.

As mentioned by another PP if you leave now it's pretty unlikely that a judge would award you custody, or even 50% since it's generally assumed that a newborn needs to be with Mum most of the time.

I think you have a few options.

Leave and accept that you won't see your baby very much at all and all the consequences that come with that.

Discuss with your partner about splitting but remaining together in the house for the sake of the baby whilst they are still young. It's not ideal at all and will be emotionally draining for everyone but it would mean that you are still there for the baby.

Get counselling through Relate or similar to see if you can work through your issues. It would need both sides to engage though.

Its possible its his very existence that irritates her, that hes a scapegoat for all her unhappiness, and even if he devoted his every spare minute to doing chores for her she'd still find reasons to get annoyed with him. The point of the guitar is that its a constant reminder of his presence, and if he were in another room quietly getting stoned she would forget he existed for a while.

DoctorOutcome - what a well thought out response ..... not
Just about the worst outcome for the child in this scenario to be wrenched away from its mother and for the ongoing relationship between the separated mother and father. Whatever back history you are bringing to this discussion, please do not allow it to cloud your judgement so completely.

*DoctorAllcome

personally I’d soldier on will your kid is a year old or at least sleeping/in a routine, trying not to judge the situation (and sticking up for yourself on anything that felt unfair of course). Post birth is horribly difficult all round, especially for women. If you had difficulty conceiving even more as you’d already racked up a trauma (though unsure that’s what you meant).

If I still feel the same way, I would then push for couples counselling to talk about this. Regardless of what happens, you are at risk of seeing your son very little if you leave at this stage unamicably, and reaching an agreement of what has been going on (does your wife want to be with you?) might help you be more cordial, together or apart.

Do not take DoctorAllcome's advice.

She is already considered the primary carer, because OP works, and she doesn't.

What's he going to do? Remove a 4mth old from his mother and put him in childcare, while he works?? I don't think anyone would think that would be the best outcome for the child.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

So she hasn’t worked for years (child is 4 months old) and she controls his money.

If I was you I would bide my time, your ducks in a row, see a solicitor and leave her taking your son with you. She sounds controlling and useless.

DoctorAllcome - you're still focussed on what is only possibly the best outcome for the dad and completely ignoring the disruption for the child and the mother. If the op has described the situation fully, your advice should be a worst case scenario used only if it turns out the mother has serious health issues.

I think the first year with a Baby is very hard TBH. Your wife has given birth quite recently ,and has hormones doing backflips! If you were to leave her you would feel very guilty I think .Can you talk to her at all and get her side of things? Maybe she has some post natal depression? Not wanting to go out is a classic sign .She is probably feeling very tired and senses your discontent .Maybe speaking to a counsellor would help? Would she agree to a few days away for a break with you /baby .