Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave my wife but not my child

202 replies

Bc2019 · 24/10/2019 23:37

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

OP posts:
zebrasdontwearbras · 25/10/2019 10:53

I suppose as hobbies for a new father go, playing the guitar is preferable to dope-smoking.

Crimearino · 25/10/2019 10:57

There are posts on here where women are saying they're literally cheating on their husbands who don't get as much judgement as this poor bloke who like to play his guitar Grin

BadSun · 25/10/2019 11:01

There are posts on here where women are saying they're literally cheating on their husbands who don't get as much judgement as this poor bloke who like to play his guitar

TBF there's also a thread full of people saying that all men are horrible bastards, so that's not too surprising.

AthollPlace · 25/10/2019 11:02

It is VITAL for your relationship and your mental health to maintain some independence and enjoyment outside of just being a parent
Great. Who’s going to look after my kid while I pursue these independent and enjoyable hobbies? And who’s going to do the laundry and housework that I need to get done in my child-free time?

Normally hobbies with this age baby means dads going out having fun and leaving the mum to do the work
Yep. When my baby was 4mo if I had any baby-free time I just collapsed into bed and slept. Any free time while I was awake was spent doing the insane amount of laundry that a baby produces, or trying to catch up on the housework that I wasn’t able to do while I had a baby glued to my breast.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 11:11

And there are posts on here having a massive go at OPs who are women. MN can be a harsh place. It very much depends on the first few posts the way threads tend to go. Complain about harshness sure, but lets not pretend all women OPs get treated lovely and all men OPs harshly. Because that is just not true.

IdblowJonSnow · 25/10/2019 11:11

Ugh. The first few months (year or two) are hard. So hard. But if your relationship was already poor maybe it won't change.
You could suggest counselling?
Or if she won't, tell her you're so miserable you've been thinking about splitting up.
Could she be depressed post-birth?

OneForTheRoadThen · 25/10/2019 11:16

So you spent literally all your spare time cleaning and washing @AthollPlace? You didn't ever meet friends, go to baby groups, take your baby for a walk in the park, do a bit of shopping, take your other children out for the day, to nursery, soft play etc.

Scott72 · 25/10/2019 11:19

And his hobby is by the sound of it spending 20-30 minutes at a time practicing guitar in a spare room. Unforgiveable!

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 11:23

@OneForTheRoadThen You think going out with kids and doing some shopping is the same as having an actual adult hobby away from the kids?
Doing those things is childcare and shopping is getting things the kids need.

OneForTheRoadThen · 25/10/2019 11:28

@jennymanara well what makes you think I meant food shopping? When your baby is 4 months old pretty much everything you do in terms of meeting friends, going out for the day etc is for you rather than the baby.

But yes even with a 4 month old it's possible to have a hobby. I used to go to the gym a couple of times a week (usually had a coffee, it was more just for a break!). And the OP isn't even going anyway from the sounds of it, just playing his guitar for a bit.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 11:28

@Scott72 Did OP say he spent 30 minutes playing guitar then?
If he does that after coming home from a full days work, then that is not on.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 11:30

@OneForTheRoadThen Okay you had a creche at the gym you put your baby in? Yes it is possible to have a hobby if you have childcare.
In terms of other stuff it really depends what your baby is like. Some babies are easy, others simply getting dressed and fed is a daily achievement.

aSofaNearYou · 25/10/2019 11:31

In all honesty you sound almost exactly like my DP and it didn't get any better and he did leave when his son was three.

My advice to you would be if you do leave, try and get 50/50 care because if she is a controlling person being a "weekend dad" you will likely find yourself being cut out with her viewing herself as "main parent" until it becomes very hard to have a positive relationship with your son. That is certainly what has happened to my DP - if you want to be hands on you need to assert that early on.

On the other hand, do try to remember that having a baby can put a huge strain on your relationship. Me and my DP have fought SO much more since my daughter was born and she is nearly 1. If your relationship is generally solid then it is something you need to ride out together and try not to assume the worst of each other because you will be so tired and drained from not having any down time together. It is hard to have perspective because it feels like it will go on forever, but it would likely have been a difficult year as a couple even if you were otherwise "perfect".

OneForTheRoadThen · 25/10/2019 11:35

@jennymanara there is a crèche yes but I used to go in the evenings when DH was home from work and left the baby with him. He went out with friends 1 or 2 nights a month and I looked after the baby. We tended to go out during the day as a family at weekends as we didn't have any paid childcare at that point.

I understand what you are saying about difficult children - I had 2 in 22 months, both shitty sleepers and still are tbh which is why I absolutely think it is vital to make time for yourself. I have suffered crippling PND and one of the best ways to feel a bit better is to carve out time for yourself, no matter how small.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 11:36

Certainly some martyr mums on here. I kept up hobbies when DS was a newborn - even going out for the occasional evening. the best advice I could give any new parent is fuck the housework, knock it down to the bare minimum and prioritize naps and leisure.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 11:49

@OneForTheRoadThen Fair enough. I was too knackered to go out 2 nights a week and I wanted to spend some time talking to other adults, rather than having a coffee alone. So much preferred talking to DP. But fair enough if it worked for you.

Greyhound22 · 25/10/2019 11:51

OP I think you're getting a hard time here.

PP who are stating that they would go mad if you were playing a guitar when you have a 4 month old - are people seriously that controlling? He's playing a guitar not flying to Monaco to gamble every other weekend.

My and DH both have hobbies and things we wouldn't class as hobbies (I wouldn't class having 10 minutes here and there on a guitar a 'hobby' to be fair). Yes things have to give when you have a child but we have always carried on with ours - and I mean proper out of the house all day hobbies. You just have to juggle as you can't both be out at the same time.

She's controlling OP. Of course you can have something to eat if you're hungry - I know MN is big on 'family money' 🙄 as those that don't work are keen to make it clear they are entitled to half their partners money but actually I'd be pretty fucked off if I was the only one bringing money in and I was constantly being told I couldn't eat or spend anything.

I know it must be hard as you obviously love your son but I you can't spend the rest of your life like this - you can still be a great dad and see him.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/10/2019 11:55

The op said he took back up playing the guitar after he quit weed a couple of years ago.

Would people really stop getting the guitar out just because they've had a baby ? Should I have stopped crochet once the babies were born, it never even crossed my mind

AmIThough · 25/10/2019 12:05

There's literally a poster up thread who said "does your wife get time for hobbies?", OP said yes I take DS out then poster says "oh so you abandon her?"
Wtf is he supposed to do that would be right in your warped mind?!

OP do you still love her? Do you think your relationship could get better or are you mentally checked out?

Isbutteracarb · 25/10/2019 12:56

OP, I feel for you because honestly the first few months after having a baby are so so hard on both parents and some of the things in your post made me think of my DP, we've had massive communication issues since our DS was born and argue way more than before. Any issues in your relationship pre-baby can be massively exacerbated by caring for a newborn so I'd say try not to make any life-changing decisions right now - try and have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your relationship, how you feel, how she feels, and be proactive about making sure you each get enough time for yourselves. Communication is key and it sounds like you need to sit down with her, talk this out and figure out what you both need to do to get through this difficult time.

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 13:13

Theres now pages of speculation.

I asked a lot of backstory questions pages back without response OP?

I don't you can get helpful, relevant responses without a lot of further information or engagement with your threads posters.

Theres just too little to go on.

I hope you've had a chance to think some of this through and speak to your OH about whats going on for her? Or have a plan to.

You dont seem to know what's going on for her, or you haven't expressed that here anyway.

TalentedMsRipley · 25/10/2019 13:15

Some of you are being pretty harsh to the Op! He IS allowed a hobby, for God's sake. And they only have the one child; it's not THAT exhausting. I have a 9 month dc myself, two older kids, & i still manage to write, read, attend a masters degree & work part time. She can find time to do stuff if she really wants to.

PurpleDaisies · 25/10/2019 13:18

And they only have the one child; it's not THAT exhausting

You can only talk about parenting your own child, not dictate how tired other people get.

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 13:20

Thats your life and you Ripley

We don't know why his OH has been out of work for years before having a baby, a surprise of a first baby, not subsequent one. Or just anything really, as OP has not really answered further.

Certainly hes allowed a hobby, but just saying hobby can means so many different things, and there just isn't enough information on here for all these speculations Confused

Its proper bonkers!

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 13:20

@talentedmrsripley You don't know that and neither do I. The OPs partner has not worked for years. So does she have health problems, disability? We don't know. I could speculate and say that it may be she has a health problem that means physically caring for a baby is a very big deal. What was the birth like? Is she recovered or are there major complications? Is it an easy baby or a high needs baby?
The answers to all those questions may mean that caring for a 4 month old baby is relatively easy, or is incredibly tough.