I want to leave my wife but not my child

[Bc2019]

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

OP appears to have vanished, so all that is left is speculation as to whether he's a selfish lazy manchild or she's a controlling bitch. Or both.

Tbh I haven’t read the whole load of messages, but I did separate for 6 months a year after my son was born but went back as I could not live without my kids.

However what i should have also done is made a long term commitment to marriage counselling and didn’t.

I would advise it.

However if you don’t want to then separating now is better as the child doesn’t know any better. Doing it later, I believe , makes it harder for everyone.

Are you all happy now gnostick ?

I do hope so, as I was a bit taken aback that tou only went back to your wife because you missed your dc.

Hopefully thats not what it sounded and you are genuinely with your wife now, having found a good place together.

Nows not the time to leave a 4 month old baby. Nor can you take it away from its mother, while you go to work. Childcare is very expensive. I would review the situation in 12 months time. If you do decide to leave now, then be prepared to discuss access and child maintenance payments. Do it in a calm manner otherwise she may restrict your access to be awkward. But dont think that you re going to take it away from its mother. It wont happen.

I apologise for not replying to a lot of you I've only just managed to get back to the thread. First of all I would like to thank all the people that have commented to give me helpful and constructive advice and not just to attack me. I really appreciate it. I probably should of elaborated a bit more on certain things, my wife hasn't worked since 2014 because she had an argument with some people she worked with and has not been back to work since. The eating thing I didn't mean a snack I ment as breakfast or lunch she feels one meal a day is enough. Financial arguments are mainly about if I decide to want to buy something minor and cheap we can't afford it however if she wants something we can or she wants to lend family or friends we have it. As I have stated in the post and other people also have our problems were prior to having our little boy. I am not spending hours a day on my guitar and a lot of the time when I am he is actually sitting in the room with me in his baby chair smiling away at me. Many people in this thread are correct it is perfectly reasonable for both parents to have time to themselves and still pursue hobbies. By some of the more negative comments I should probably stop looking after him by myself so she can go out with her friends? Or stop looking after him by myself so she can sit and watch TV every night? After all we have child does is there really have time for that? To me it's the same principle.......I generally try to get us to do things together plan family days out but to no success and again it was like this before our child. I have no intention of taking him away from his mum because despite our problems she is a fantastic mother I would never be that spiteful to her or my son.

I hope this clears some questions up but I cannot understand why some of you have branded me a deadbeat dad I work long hours to provide for my family and I spend as much time as I can with my son yes I also have some time to myself but so does his mother.

To deny you more than one meal a day is abuse.

Thats horrific.

What's your finances? How long have you both been surviving on one meal a day?

What does she say about your relationship and staying together or not? Or have you planned to discuss this?

She sounds awful but why didn’t you leave her long ago? If her behaviour predates the pregnancy then what exactly was it that you saw in her?

she feels one meal a day is enough
WTAF???
That is just NOT right OP.
I'm assuming she has an eating disorder because this is not normal thinking - not for anyone!!!
And the money stuff....... CONTROLLING!
I would honestly discuss separation with her.
She needs to know you are unhappy.
That you want 3 meals a day and not one.
That you want to be able to buy the odd thing for yourself without it becoming an issue.
I honestly believe you would be far better off without her.
She sounds abusive and controlling.

Well she sounds awful .

I think you we’re crazy to have a baby who refuses to work and under these circumstances however the baby is here.

Tbh it does sound abusive . You can’t be expected to eat one meal a day , I would consider getting yourself some counselling .

This is no way to be for any of you.

What would happen if you walked in with a box of cereal and said this is ridiculous nonsense and from now on will be eating a bowl of cereal ? You are an adult so can decide when you want to eat.

I doubt she will be working any time soon. She didn’t when she had nothing to do all day .

The one meal a day thing is odd are there mh issues. I find it odd that you have supported her for 5 years because she walked out of one job.

This is not a newborn baby issue . What stopped you leaving before?

Does she suffer from an eating disorder? Is that why she thought she couldn't get pregnant? the one meal a day sounds bizarre and if she is not eating (Im presuming she only eats once a day also) that might explain the behaviour.

@WhatTiggersDoBest I'm awful at singing but I do try lol I play to him a lot and he loves it he loves music and our health visitor has said the exact same about brain development music is a very positive thing in a childs life, I'm glad someone else understands that. Thankyou for you advice and positive feedback

@Belfield no I don't believe she has an eating disorder and no it wasn't why we couldn't conceive it was a mixture of both of us. I think she just grew up like that and believes it's normal and sustainable

What were your answers OP?

How has this got this far!?

Did this happen since baby arrived? How long were you together before. You said years, and is she medically off work?

Did this all happen since you were told you couldn't have dc.

Was this medical dx?

If you financially supported your wife for several years before the baby that was going above and beyond - many of us wouldn’t do that.

It doesn’t sound like you love each other anymore and the situation sounds crap. Suggest getting legal advice and couple’s counselling to seek an amicable as possible break up.

If you work FT she is likely to get more of the residency of your DC.

X-posted. Ah, so you stopped contraception and tried for a long time to conceive without any medical input. So you didn't actually know that tou couldn't, which is not what you said.

So you were long time trying to conceive?

So she was this way when you met her?

You did say she was a wonderful DM, or something similar, but she's not going to be if she's decided her dc will only require one meal a day is she?

I think you need to bring in help, by speaking to the HV. Does your HV have no idea whats been going on?

All this bad eating has got past midwives and gp during pregnancy?

I'm not sure if your focus is in the right area.

What has she said when you've asked her about the relationship. Surely you have in all your years together?

when a baby is only a few months old

OP - does she actually stop you having more than one meal a day - or does she just moan at you or argue with you about it? Utterly unreasonable for either partner to control a partner's eating - of course it is. You should be able to eat what you want (within reason and budget).

Re. the money - as you are the earner, you must be able to arrange it so that you can access the money too? So does she /can she actually prevent you having access to money - or just moan/argue about your spending?

You can arrange for your salary to be paid into a bank account of your choosing if you want to have more control over the finances - so this is not financial abuse in the same way as when the person earning the money holds tight to the purse strings and doesn't allow a non-working partner access to the money.

Sounds like counselling may benefit you as a couple, if she will agree to go.

Was the one-meal-a-day thing going on before she got PG? How come you didn't object to it or walk out earlier, OP? I mean, if you used to have a dope habit, how on earth did you cope with the munchies if she restricted food so much?

I am getting the impression that she is both unhappy and unpleasant, and it makes me wonder why you stayed so long: sometimes people who end up in toxic and abusive relationships stay because the pattern is familiar to them and feels 'right' for a long time. Did you have a bossy or punitive parent, or an older sibling who bullied you, by any chance?

Don't worry in the least about your singing abilities, babies adore singing unless its horrific

Enjoy singing to your baby its great for you both!

@KnowMenClature what do you mean what are our financias? Tbh I think we both just got stuck in a rut (poor excuse I know) but it happens to a lot of people. Some of your questions I already answered in my original posts and through other replays. I never said we didn't have any medical advice or anything?

There is a huge backstory though, gaping holes. There is much history here.

You said that you couldn't have dc.

Thats only something that medical investigations can conclude, so I'd assume that, but asked for clarification.

Financials, as in, is their enough money?

You presumably can buy food and eat, or are you saying you cant.

These are key issues to your situation.