I want to leave my wife but not my child

[Bc2019]

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

Some of these responses make no sense. "You don't get to have hobbies"? That must be a joke ffs.

OP, you seem pretty sure you want to separate from your wife. Especially since you've said things were just as bad BEFORE you had your son. So it's not just newborn life that's causing this.

I mean, bottom line is, you have little choice. I can only imagine how hard it must be to leave a relationship knowing that it means you're only going to see your child a few days a month. That would be awful. But you can't stay in a miserable relationship for the rest of your life either. And kids pick up on this stuff – they model themselves on their parents, so you would be setting your son up poorly for life, which I'm sure you don't want.

Only other thing is to try relationship counselling and see if you can fix things. And listen to what Pandainmyporridge said about at least sticking at it for the next year or so if possible.

Those first few years of parenthood are real ballbreakers. There's nothing wrong with getting a little professional help to get through them. Chances are if your needs aren't being met, then hers aren't either. Do you think she'd be willing to go to couple's counseling?

You sound like a great dad OP. She is being very controlling and unreasonable I don't blame you for feeling this way. Could it be the stress of having a young child that's making her like this or has it always been this way? Just because you have a child together you still need to think about your own happiness.

Sorry I don't have any amazing advice but just wanted to comment to say that no matter what you choose to do, I hope it works out for you x

Wow, PPs if this were the other way around, man controlling woman’s finances you’d all be shouting LTB!

OP, if you can’t talk and sort something better out for you both then trial separation.

I will say what I would say to a woman in this situation as well, when there is no abuse.
You are not getting on together. It is impossible to tell as a stranger on the internet whose fault it is. IME when there is no abuse, it is usually a bit of both. Go to couple counselling at Relate. If it can't be sorted they will at least help you separate so that you can hopefully still be amicable and continue parenting.

I think you are getting a oddly harsh time here. Firstly your wife sounds financially abusive. This needs to be sorted. She can not have some sort of dictatorship on how family money is spent.

By all means both mutually sit down and agree budget's, e.g maximum cost for lunch out on a working day, any large purchases and so on. But one spouse does not get to decide how every penny is spent regardless of who earns it.

Out of everything else you have said, you do seem a pretty standard waring couple with a 4 month old though. But what alarms me is you say this has been going on prior to the arrival of your son? Lack of mutual interests and the want to spend time with others rather than your significant other should have been red flags before a small human was brought in to the mix.

You could try some sort of marriage counseling, but it's not going to make her like the guitar or you like her very much more by the sounds of it. So it could end up as useful as Theresa May's withdrawal agreement.

There are anxiously 3 sides to every story hers, his and the truth. But my advice would be seek professional marriage guidance, also seek private legal advice on seperation. If your wife refuses the councelling and the relationship does not improve at least you will be armed with the next steps on solid guidance.

Congratulations on your son, OP. These first few months are difficult as PP's have said so I wouldn't make any quick decisions. Give yourselves a few months to get used to parenthood as it's a big adjustment from being just the two of you- not to mention the initial exhaustion.

Just keep going for a while and see whether things improve in a couple of months. If not, talk to your wife and tell her that you both need to make an effort to be a couple again. If she doesn't want to try, there's your answer. Do you think she'd be happier working outside the home? Staying at home might not be a good fit for her.

My previous post was too harsh. Sorry, OP.

I just felt really sorry for your wife. She sounds stressed and overwhelmed. The other posters have good advice. I know people who are good parents and separated. It's possible.

@VenusTiger Every time I have seen a thread where a woman is told to LTB for being financially controlling, the woman is saying things like - I have holes in my shoes/my DCs need new clothes, etc but I can't afford it, but DP is going on a stag do abroad.
There have been times in my marriage where money has been very tight and if DP had bought lunch out rather than take sandwiches to work, I would have been very unhappy. Because that would have meant that we would not have had enough money to get electricity for the week.
Context matters and vague statements tell you nothing really. Which is why so many posters are making up their own interpretation. When in reality it is impossible to judge from what OP has posted.

Possible that shes suffering from post natal depression OP?.

Has she seen a doctor in recent times this can manifest itself in various ways. Sounds a bit familar and as others have said its a very stressfull time for new parents!..

Some of the posters on here are being very nasty to the OP
They are assuming that all he is doing is wrong and no fault lies with his partner for the relationship problems
Gosh such misogyny makes me think its pointless for any man to seek advice on here when some women are only looking to project their own attitudes and world experience without any justification or evidence ..pathetic really

I'd like to hear her side of the story, tbh.

The early years are hard - a real test of a relationship - are you a team when it comes to parenting?

But if you really want to leave the mother of your 4mth old baby, you will have to accept that you will spend a lot less time with him, and that you will have to pay maintenance to your ex partner. Because your child deserves a roof over his head, and food, and clothing.

A 4mth old baby will need to spend the majority of his time with his mother - especially if she's breastfeeding. But a baby that age needs a primary carer - which would normally be the mother.

Few mothers want to go on date nights or whatever when they've just had a baby - she's 4 months post-partum ffs. Have you any idea the toll pregnancy and childbirth can have on women? Whatever it is, it's a toll your body hasn't had to take. You could give her some time.

The world seems to be full of children whose father has walked out on them when they're small - often because they resented the mother prioritising the child, instead of them. You're not alone. I still think it's a shame though.

Nomoreclue, giving the man some questions to ponder would be enough, there's no need to go full on accusation mode accusing him of being a massive let down, when all you have to go on are your own assumptions.

You make new mothers sound like complete invalids. Having young babies is exhausting for both parents even if one goes out to work. Parents need to compromise, for sure there were days when my ex came in from work and I barely even said hello and just handed him the baby because I was so exhausted and needed a break, but then other days i'd be fine and well able to do the bulk of the parenting, do the housework, cook the dinner, make my ex a cup of tea etc. and so on, which allowed him to get some rest for work etc.

OP don’t sacrifice your own happiness just because you now have a child. It sounds to me like you’ve really tried to make this work but you’re not happy. If you’re absolutely sure it’s over then a separation means that your time with your baby has to be separated too. It’s a harsh reality but hopefully you can make it work. You’ll both be better and more relaxed parents if you’re happy I’m yourself

OP, you say you've tried to discuss the issues you mentioned with your wife, but have you discussed the state of the relationship on a whole with her? Do you know if she even wants to stay together?

Bc - You are a man. That means, that for some people on MN, nothing you do will be good enough.

Do you want to try and salvage things? It's OK if you don't. If you do though, she needs to know how you feel and I suspect a third party like a counsellor will be required.

What would you do if she refuses to try? Would that be the last straw for you?

If ending things looks like the only solution, familiarise yourself with the CMS. Determine how much maintenance you will be required to pay (you can, of course, pay more than the legal minimum but you CANNOT be blackmailed into this). Find out what your rights are regarding custody/access. Again, she cannot withold access.

Wishing you all the best.

@viciousjackdaw Yawn and so not true. Plenty of women get treated way too harshly on MN.

HelloDeidre I hope you don't mind me pointing this out but the word for hatred or prejudice against men is 'misandry', rather than 'misogyny', which refers to hatred of women only. I just wanted to tell you that nicely before someone comes along and slates you. Plus, it's a very useful word!

And yes decent couple counselling say from Relate would also consider things like post natal depression.
However a tiny baby will when access is decided spend its time with its mum with you being allowed to visit or have the baby for very short times. Is she breastfeeding?

None of us can really tell whether you are a selfish waster or she is a whiny martyr. It could be either: there are plenty of both.
But if you are really miserable in your marriage, then it's OK to start working out how to exit. Bear in mind that you need to do this as fairly and kindly as possible - make sure that custody/access arrangements are done with the best interests of the child prioritized, and that any division of assets/finances are as fair as you can make them.

Why hasn't she worked for years?

Gosh some PPs are being so unfair - assuming the absolute worst simply because OP is a man- quite ridiculous!

OP you seem to be a caring husband and father. However I do think you are perhaps expecting a little too much from your wife given she is 4 months Post Partum (I am saying this as someone who is almost 6 months post partum).

It is simply exhausting looking after a little one from morning to morning (with a few hours break in between)- there are times I can’t go to the loo, have a coffee or a shower - let alone any hobbies. Also I definitely haven’t felt the same since the birth and am only now starting to feel like myself again (6 months on!)

Hobbies and deep conversation are honestly the last thing on mind after not being able to do anything for myself ALL day whilst my husband is at work.

So give her a break. I would suggest riding this out for a few months until your little one is about 8 or 9 months as honestly this period of time is one of the most difficult for you both and your relationship - it’s only natural.

You've got a 4 month old baby. It's way too soon to be making decisions about splitting up with your wife.
The way you've told it, of course you sound good. We don't know how your wife is feeling- sounds like she's worried b about finances. We don't know if that's realistic. She may well not want to go out, leaving the baby, yet. She might have PND. Or she might just be unreasonable.
We do know that walking out on your wife so soon after the birth of your baby is a huge step, and probably not justifiable at this point in time.
It's not about you right now. Give it a year or so and see how things are then.

Hang on. He's a new Dad. He hasn't a shit's notion what he's doing either. Apart from that everything is getting on his wife's nerves.

He doesn't know his arse from his elbow and his wife probably envies him being able to escape with his music while she has nothing or no-one.

OP - the not wanting to go out could be a sign of PND.

You loved her once. I've heard married couples on their 50th wedding anniversary say, that yes there were challenges.

Did you commit to marriage? I don't mean that flippantly, I mean it genuinely - did you realise what you were getting into?

if this were the other way around, man controlling woman’s finances you’d all be shouting LTB!

Not quite the same thing because he presumably has possession of the money he earns, I'm sure it is annoying to have his spending questioned, but it's not the same as having money withheld.