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Original poster

I want to leave my wife but not my child

202 replies

Bc2019 · 24/10/2019 23:37

I'm not sure were to start with this, I've recently become a dad and I love my son more than anything seeing his smile every day lights up my world, but for a while now me and his mum have been having problems.

Were constantly arguing about pretty much everything I can't stand living in the same house as her anymore. We have nothing in common anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms we don't like the same TV programmes movies or music and when we are together we just end up arguing.

A couple of years ago I used to smoke quite a bit of weed which I don't do anymore when I gave up I started playing guitar again to try and do something positive with my free time rather than just getting stoned and she moans about that more than she did about me smoking weed (tbh she never used to moan about it that much) I just feel like I can't do anything right, when I asked her about this she just replied so I should just accept that you've replaced one habbit for another. She doesn't have any hobbies or even any real interests and I just feel like she thinks I shouldn't. Music has always been a big passion in my life she's always had an issue with it in some way even with me listening to it.

We argue about finances all the time even tho she hasn't worked in years but she has to be in control and make all our financial decisions if I buy something minor for myself we argue about it, if I decide I'm hungry during the day and have something to eat we argue because "it costs money".

I've trying discussing these issues with her and it either ends up in arguments or she just doesn't speak. I don't want to leave my son and just be a weekend dad but I just feel so unhappy here I don't feel like we have a marriage anymore and it's probably sucking the life out of both of us.

I know I'm not perfect myself I haven't written this with the intention of painting my wife in horrible picture I just want to gain some perspective of my situation I feel like this relationship is slowly destroying who I am.

OP posts:
DDIJ · 25/10/2019 08:49

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legalseagull · 25/10/2019 08:51

@AthollPlace "you don't get to have hobbies" what utter controlling nonesense. I have a six month old and a 20 month old. Life is hectic but I don't stop their dad playing 5 a side football once a week or going to the pub to see his friends. Likewise I am able to spend time doing my hobbies. It is VITAL for your relationship and your mental health to maintain some independence and enjoyment outside of just being a parent

Quartz2208 · 25/10/2019 08:54

I think either counselling or a sit down and deciding a fair separation

RuffleCrow · 25/10/2019 08:58

Who has hobbies when they've got a newborn?! Unless you count changing a nappy 15 times a day or breastfeeding round the clock?

Techway · 25/10/2019 09:00

OP, do NOT take the baby with you, putting him into childcare without agreement as that would be seen as hostile and not in the child's best interests, especially if you haven't raised any concerns with HV. It would definitely go against you as seen as a unilateral decision.

Your child's best interest must always come first.

You mention arguing all the time but is it arguing about finances or just your wife commenting on spending? Are these full kn arguments or gripes?
You mention no shared hobbies, how old are you both? If you got together young & have been together for years you may have grown apart.. however as you have a young baby you have a responsibility to work on your marriage, especially so soon after the birth.

The reason women are responding with empathy for your wife is that we know what 4 months post birth can be like. The strain of a new baby does mostly fall to a mum and you don't mention how the birth was, whereas that could still be impacting her. I had to have surgery when my DC was 6 months old as continuing issues post birth.

The other factor is you are not showing any compassion or empathy for your wife, most men at this stage appreciate what their partners have gone through to get your precious son.

RuffleCrow · 25/10/2019 09:01

@DDIJ - of course the outcome for the mother matters! A) she's human being too and B) who do you think is raising this child most of the time?

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 09:04

Bloody hell no court in the land would let you take a 4 month old baby from its mother and put it into childcare all day, unless the mother was very abusive to the baby. If you tried to take the baby away, you will end up in court at a later date being granted supervised access only through a contact centre.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 09:06

@legalseagull That is quite unusual with a 6 month old baby for both parents to be able to go out a few times a week without the baby to pursue their own hobbies.

RuffleCrow · 25/10/2019 09:06

@DoctorAllcome how is the OP planning on breastfeeding his four month old after he takes your advice to abduct him?

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 09:08

In a divorce UK courts rule in favour of the status quo for the child. That means unless SS are very concerned, that the main carer stays the main carer. It would be rare with a 4 month old baby for the mum not to be the main carer.

user1481840227 · 25/10/2019 09:08

Maybe the wife will welcome the idea of splitting up if the OP irritates her that much.
Maybe she'd rather he did it now too rather than wait for a year.
I split up with my ex when my second child was 3 weeks old, I couldn't have felt any better because i didn't want to be with him anymore. Unfortunately he threatened suicide and made me feel guilty and sucked me back in for another few years, but I would have been fine if he had stayed gone.

Of course the OP would miss out on milestones and memories, but let's not assume that it's cruel to the wife because she may find it to be a relief.

Turquoisesea · 25/10/2019 09:10

The OP has already said these issues were around before they had the baby, they haven’t just started. Yes having a newborn is incredibly stressful but some of the responses on here are unbelievable. It doesn’t sound like the OP has done anything wrong, sometimes people just drift apart and don’t get on. If he had written about his marriage and there were no DCs involved everyone would be telling him to leave. If the problems had only started after the baby was born that would be a different issue but they were there before. I think the OP is getting a particularly hard time from some posters purely for the fact he is a man. I think it’s worth both sitting down together and discussing how you both feel and see if the marriage can be worked at. It sounds like you are both unhappy with the situation but communication is the key if it’s going to have any sort of future.

DDIJ · 25/10/2019 09:13

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Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 09:14

Has the Op explained why his wife didn't work before having the baby? That is very unusual, and would surely have to be down to a physical or mental health issue; lack of any suitable job skills; or extreme laziness. How badly she is behaving rather depends on which one!

Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 09:15

I think DDIJ is on the wind up..

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 09:16

@DDIJ Nice to know you care so much about the babies needs.

Starlight456 · 25/10/2019 09:18

I think there is a huge back story here. Why has she not worked for years .why did you think you couldn’t have children? What did you do to address the relationship due to problems prior to baby?

JenniferM1989 · 25/10/2019 09:21

Hi OP. It is hard in the first months of having a baby but you've clearly stated that this isn't just since your son came along, it's been going on for a good while. The lack of doing things together or her even doing something for herself then moaning about what you do is an issue. It's not unreasonable for you to want to spend some time in the week on a hobby. You don't do it everyday and I take it your guitar playing is mostly at home?

Your son is 4 months old. Is he breastfed? I ask because obviously if you split up with your wife, it may be tricky at first for you to have 50/50. If he isn't, it may still be best with him being so young not to be away from mum for too long. Could you stick this out and keep the peace until he is a year old? I don't mean that you should check out but give it a chance until your son a year old then at least you know if you split then, you won't be so limited with contact.

A few practical things to give it one last go are having date nights, even just once every 2 months. Arrange a baby sitter and go. If your wife says no, she says no but you at least tried. Getting her a bit involved in your hobby by perhaps asking if there's any songs she would like you to learn to play. Take back some control of the finances. Let her know that it's all family money but you would like to be able to have a say over it. When she starts an argument, let her know that it's not going to resolve anything when you argue and would she able to tell you directly what the issue is and you'll listen. Sit her down and ask her if she is ok, she may be depressed due to being out of work for some time. If she opens up and admits she is, support her seeing the GP and definitely stay around until she is stronger.

JenniferM1989 · 25/10/2019 09:22

I did put paragraphs in there but they disappeared!

zebrasdontwearbras · 25/10/2019 10:09

OP, do NOT take the baby with you, putting him into childcare without agreement as that would be seen as hostile and not in the child's best interests, especially if you haven't raised any concerns with HV. It would definitely go against you as seen as a unilateral decision.

This.

I hope OP is wise enough to understand that unilaterally removing a 4mth old baby from his mother and the marital home is extremely BAD advice, and will almost certainly end up with an emergency court hearing, the baby returned to his mother, and only supervised access for him.

Far better for all concerned to try and sort it out amicably.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 10:18

And no 4 month old baby would have a 50 50 access arrangement imposed by courts.
Part of becoming a parent is putting your child first.

Belfield · 25/10/2019 10:27

The OP seems to have gone missing and I don't blame him based on the first few messages wherein it was presumed he was a complete deadbeat spending all his hours on the guitar. Four months is very early and is a difficult time for even very happy couples. Would you consider counselling? I would try to continue if possible at all until the baby stage is over as you can't really think straight when the baby is so young.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2019 10:33

Wow - weird replies.
Jumping to conclusions based on absolutely nothing.
TBH some of you sound really controlling!
Please look at yourselves.
There is no reason why a parent can't have a hobby FFS!
Equal leisure time away from baby is good.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 10:47

@hellsbells I agree that parents can have hobbies. But no when you have a 4 month old baby I do not know any parents where both were still pursuing hobbies. Unless that hobby was collapsing exhausted in front of the TV. Normally hobbies with this age baby means dads going out having fun and leaving the mum to do the work.

BadSun · 25/10/2019 10:50

Normally hobbies with this age baby means dads going out having fun and leaving the mum to do the work

Yep, or staying home and having fun. And then the mum does the same at certain times too. That's exactly how parents with a 4-month-old CAN have hobbies! Just because you couldn't do it doesn't mean nobody can.