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Original poster

i hate it and it makes me feel like shit. AM I WRONG?

223 replies

lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 08:53

my partner buys these mags that really upset me (namely zoo/nuts) especially since i've just had a baby and my confidence is zip. he mainly hides this fact from me, but i have womans intuition and i just know. last night he came home and i saw the latest copy in his bag and i felt sick, it just felt like the last straw, there's me looking scruffy covered in sick, totally stressed out.

he never romances me (i have asked him loads of times to do something nice for each other, i need to feel loved and wanted and all the other mushy stuff) i'm just the woman that looks after his baby, cleans the house and i feel like a total mug.

this morning i went into our lounge and found that not only had he decided to masturbate into his sock (i thought this was reserved for teenagers?) but that he has also left it for me to tidy up.

i am so angry and disappointed.

am i wrong to feel like this? am i wrong to want him to stop buying these mags and make more of an effort with me?

OP posts:
whiskeyandbeer · 16/08/2007 15:27

ok just confused a bit as based on the original post this solution seemed like an over-reaction to me. so i assumed other things had come to light.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:31

Hi Whiskey,
I think we suggested she go away for a few days based on the fact he had shown a bit of a lack of respect and she was so upset, not to punish him as such, but as a way for them both to think. But the more the thread develops, the more there appears to be something underlying, especially with these texts. Am a bit worried about Lolly now.

Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 15:32

its not based on orignal post - we all said, mags were fine, sock wasn't - but since then she has explained what he's like and they've had some exchange by text and it was the straw that broke the camels back.....

DaDaDa · 16/08/2007 15:34

Agreed Whiskey. Wanking in a sock and leaving it is pretty grim, he sounds immature and clearly Lolly feels taken for granted.

But if he was worth having a child with, it's a relationship worth working on surely?!

Dropdeadfred · 16/08/2007 15:36

Lolly come back and let us know you're okay. If you really want to get to Nottingham on your own get to Victoria coach station and jump on a coach...cheaper than the train...

PeterDuck · 16/08/2007 15:39

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PeterDuck · 16/08/2007 15:41

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HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:43

Dadada,

I agree with you that if he was worth having a child with then it should be a relationship worth saving. But that's if the only issue is Lolly's self-esteem, him wanking over comedy porn (into a sock). You could probably forgive that of a man, even if it left you feeling a bit sick, cause afterall, he could be going off with other women instead. But this doesn't seem to be the only issue and now we are all worried about Lolly after these texts.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:44

Peterduck, she said she was waiting for a reply and then she came back and said she was shaking and felt sick. Assume what you will from that, as I think some of us have.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:44

And I suggested talking and maybe going away for a few days, NOT splitting up the relationship.

Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 15:47

peter duck i don't think this is an isolated incident, going by all of her posts, her DP has consistantly been unsupportive to her and she has reached breaking point....again, that is only an assumption of course

whiskeyandbeer · 16/08/2007 15:50

i'd imagine you'd be hard pressed to find a guy who hasn't whacked off into a sock before, and yes leaving it lying there is a bit nasty (and not something i'd do) but i wouldn't jump straight from that to him not respecting her.
and as for the ps2 thing i've done that after sex simply by lieu of the fact that my other half tends to fall asleep much earlier than me so if we are getting up to some hanky panky when we finish she is ready to sleep and i'm not. so i hang around for 15 or so minutes while she starts to nod off and then go watch tv/have a drink/play on the comp etc.
i'm not saying this by way of defence of the guy, just to point out that leaving straight off the bat (if even only for a couple of days) might be a bit reactionary as this guy might not fully get how much it is affecting her. and a proper conversation (maybe with a mediator as suggested) might be far more affective. as with all things on an internet forum we only get one side of the story (not saying she's lying just simply that he might not realise the full effects of this) and perhaps if he explained himself about things like the magazines etc she might not feel threatened. but things like moving out/going to his mother/packing up the children are things which would definitely set me off and make a mountain out of a mole hill.
but as i've said mt opinions are only based on what we have heard hear and fully accept their could be a laundry list of other factors going on in her life unknown to me.

PeterDuck · 16/08/2007 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 16:07

LOL, Whiskey, as I said in my other posts: she can't complain that he wanks as most men and women do that and it is normal, but the fact he left the sock there for her is pretty rank. Lolly also obviously has self-esteem issues.

None of us suggested leaving him, or at least I didn't, especially not for taking a wank. But going away for a few days or sending him away for a few days, to think, might help them both. If he can't respect her space and has left her feeling scared enough to be shaking and feeling sick, then maybe it is best for all three of them that they aren't together. It isn't always best for parents to be together. We all seem to get the same impression: that Lolly has ommitted information about something underlying; and she has actually hinted at other stuff. I appreciate it is dangerous to speculate, and would think it stupid to get a divorce/split up just because he wanked into a sock (pretty immature and laughable, but not a hanging offence); but then again, if there are things going on that leave Lolly feeling the way she has presented herself to us, maybe counselling or separation are the things to consider.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 16:09

I agree she may be shaking and feel sick because she is angry, but it all seemed to link into this text, and we are just concerned about her. I suggested she talk to him, but this is when other issues seemed to crop up. Other people also suggested she talk to him and confront him. She seems to think he would laugh it off, not listen to her etc. Who knows.

I think talking and space from each other, maybe some counselling, and perhaps even a kick in the cock, as suggested by the lovely HD.

sugar34plum · 16/08/2007 16:11

hi lolly agree sock thing is nasty especially wanting you to clean it up. where in south are you?

Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 16:12

she has said she has tried to talk to him and he says 'get over your self'....I think he needs a wake up call.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 16:13

Agreed, meeely. If he won't listen to her when she approaches issues with him, then he has a blatant lack of respect for her.

Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 16:15

"no i've tried to talk with him before and all i get is, get over yourself or nothing... he just walks away and then as if by magic it's like nothing ever happened... i do want to talk to him, i want to sort this out, i dont enjoy feeling like shit and crying all day feeling like a complete mug. i actually hate it. "

ntsmum · 16/08/2007 16:16

into a sock!! Please! Surely only pubescent boys do that. I feel v. sorry for you lolly, you sound very unhappy and he sounds like a complete loser.

Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 16:16

my dh was/is a crap listener - letters worked as he could read and take stuff in without me being confrontational.....works for a bit....however last year we got to breaking point and i walked....to his mums, best thing i did, we fine now

whiskeyandbeer · 16/08/2007 16:18

"But going away for a few days or sending him away for a few days, to think, might help them both."

i'm not saying that this is a bad idea. what i am saying is that to do so without having (at least attempting) a calm but frank conversation first is a bad idea in my opinion. especially where kids are involved. you have to make it seem like a reasonable,discussed joint decision rather than her (and i'm stressing that this would be his possible perception) a. just taking off with his children and no discussion or b. kicking him out of his own house for a few days.
as i stressed i know this is not what she is trying to achieve but when one person makes decisions regarding the children/home/living arrangments without at least discussing it first or explaining themselves before hand i think it only serves to inflame the other person as instead of both parties looking at their own faults they both end up feeling like the victim and blaming the other.
as i said before he may not know how these things are affecting her and as she has self esteem issues maybe a heartfelt explanation from him would help to calm her fears.also even though he might think it unreasonable he may well stop this behaviour for the sake of his wife.
and similarly from his point of view their may be things that she is doing that are affecting him that she is unaware they are affecting him so that even if they do decide to take time apart at least they both know what to focus their energies if they attempt to discuss it first rather than starting the seperation on an argument and one person making the decisions.
once again based solely on this thread and discussion with no other information etc.

whiskeyandbeer · 16/08/2007 16:19

"into a sock!! Please! Surely only pubescent boys do that"

nope.

Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 16:23

wab - when you are at the end of your tether, feeling like crap and you don't even get a smile or hug from your DP, rational thought and conversation doesn't come into it. I am a very emotional person, and i guess a little melodramatic!

I can't remember what particular thing my dh did on the day i left, it was very minor, but add it to everything else and i just flipped. i rang him while on the M1 (hands free of course) and said, i'm going to your mums, i've had enough.

Yes he was livid, fuming, and for a while i was scared i'd blown it....BUT i figured IF he left me then i was better off without him and IF he changed and i went home then again i was better off, so it was WIN WIN. Luckily he changed and here i am

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 16:25

LOL. I am really sorry to Lolly for finding the wanking into a sock side of things quite funny. It isn't funny that you feel this way, but it is rather laughable that he would wank into a sock. Ewwww!

Whiskey, I agree with you, but she says she has tried to talk to him. Who knows what is going on here. It is very sad, though. I wouldn't deny my husband a bit of 'me time' with his little fella, but I'd be pretty hurt if he then proceeded to reject MY advances. Once he looked at this site on the net which was normal, non-airbrushed, women, with all the lumps and bumps and everything. That did it for him, and I was more hurt by that than if he had bought a magazine full of women who aren't real and have been airbrushed to within an inch of their lives. Porn and masturbation are not the issue; if there is disrespect, even aggression and/or passiveness, then there are issues to be dealt with, in whatever way, be that talking (preferable), leaving for a few days, mediation... whatever.