i hate it and it makes me feel like shit. AM I WRONG?

[lollyroffled]

my partner buys these mags that really upset me (namely zoo/nuts) especially since i've just had a baby and my confidence is zip. he mainly hides this fact from me, but i have womans intuition and i just know. last night he came home and i saw the latest copy in his bag and i felt sick, it just felt like the last straw, there's me looking scruffy covered in sick, totally stressed out.

he never romances me (i have asked him loads of times to do something nice for each other, i need to feel loved and wanted and all the other mushy stuff) i'm just the woman that looks after his baby, cleans the house and i feel like a total mug.

this morning i went into our lounge and found that not only had he decided to masturbate into his sock (i thought this was reserved for teenagers?) but that he has also left it for me to tidy up.

i am so angry and disappointed.

am i wrong to feel like this? am i wrong to want him to stop buying these mags and make more of an effort with me?

i'm not bloody washing his manky wank sock, he's having it back...

lolly, write your feelings down, it will help to clarify them. I find when i try and 'talk' to my dh, he gets so standofish that i end up getting all muddled and accusing him of things he hasn;t done and being a complete cow.

If dh pisses me off, i calmly walk away - then write down how he made me feel - sometimes i even show him. It makes him think, he has kept every single letter i wrote to him when we were going through our bad patch, so i'm confident it hasn't just shrugged things off as me being 'a weirdo'.

my partner didn't even bother to keep the valentines card i made him, writing my feelings down wouldn't work!

Lolly, what will you do then? You keep saying talking wont work nor will writing. YOU have to do something.

DW doesn't let me walk away, she follows me round the place until I give up and talk. Or lose it and shout "WHAT?!" and then she talks. But then we both realised, from bitter past experience, that communication is the key to everything.

i dont know!!!! shouting doens't work, talking doesn't work! me breaking down in tears and begging him doesnt work, what else can i do!?

Tell him to get out and not come back then. Unless you want to live like that.

The flowers thing is not important to me. _ good job really because DP has only ever brought me one bunch of flowers- that was seven years ago the day I gave birth to ds1- and even then it was only because my dad told him to buy them

My birthday cards say

To Emma

Happy B'day

Love DP

Yes happy bday not even a heartfelt messages- but I know that im his world.

You really need to speak to him.

When you've tried talking to him in the past, do you let him walk away? Do you stop when he says "get over yourself?" If he gives a crap answer say "that's no answer, talk to me". If he walks away, follow him or say "this is too important for you to walk away, if you care about me at all you'll sit down and talk". If he still wont try "we have to talk about this as it's making me hate you and I can't live with you like this".

If he still wont react, bag up his stuff and leave it on the doorstep.

Or send the sock to his mum.

yes if he walks away i yell at him, have you nothing in you that makes you want to put this right? do you not care??? and he just says... nothing. i could just have a once sided conversation but that would wind me up even more.

if i sent the sock to his mum, she'd probably wash it and send it back.

Jesus.. you have gone too far to be past the stages of talking & writing!

I remember about 2 years ago dh & I were having a tough time. He was working all the hours he could, I was at home with a 4yr old and a new born, I was also in the middle of exams for a course I was doing. Something had to give!

One Saturday morning I told him to wait a minute before he went to work.. I lifted his car keys & jumped into his car. I said I was taking his car & he was staying at home with the kids. I was for the library to do my work & I would come home when I was ready. I started the car with him banging on the bonnet.. then I wound down the window & chucked my mobile phone out.. now he had no way of contacting me. 2 hours on my own got me finished.

I went home to a very sorry looking dh who had took my phone apart & was trying to fix it. "Why didn't you SAY anything!" "You should have TOLD ME!" was all he kept saying.

In fact, I Had emailed him the week before... so he checked his emails & he had 96 emails waiting on him

So, now I find it easier to talk than carjack at 8am on a Saturday morning.

It may be ultimatum time, then. Does he want to be a partner and father or does he want to sleep with his mother? Cos that's, effectively, what he's doing now.

Seriously, if he bought you flowers today, would you be happy or would you think he was papering over the cracks?

thing is i didnt ask him for the flowers, he told me he would buy them. i dont want flowers! if he bought me flowers it would show to me that he knows that he;s been an idiot but wont ever say sorry.

It wont show that at all, it'll show that he knows flowers will shut you up.

One way or another you need to take action lolly. It's not going to get better otherwise.

Do you do anything independently of him? Do you have a good circle of friends?

oh

Obviously, it's your choice as to how you live your life. Do you really want this man in your life? Your baby's life? you haven't named one good feature of him yet, so i'm assuming he has none. He's a shit role model to your baby, a shit partner to you and a knitwear wanker to boot.

You know what to do, it's up to you to actually do something.

no all my friends have moved away. i tried making friends at mums and babies but its not such a good group. i have a few people i know but no best mates.

I walked out on my dh one morning, I rang him while on my way down the motorway to stay with his mum. We had been rowing for a while, he wasn't listening, I'd think we were getting somewhere and then something would happen and we would end up back at square one. I realised the only way he would listen would be if he saw I was serious that i wasn't just moaning and whinging. I needed him to SEE how he was hurting me, SEE how he was destroying our marriage.

He went nuts, rang his mum told her he hated her for being on my side, she wasn't but she empathised with me because dh's father is exactly like him, plus she was looking out for her grandkids.

I stayed for 4 days and went home on sunday after dh promised we would talk.

We talked, no shouting, no name calling. I just explained what i needed him to do, he explained what he was capable of doing and we came to a compromise. I wouldn't say things are perfect now, but me walking out is a constant reminder of what he could loose if he doesn't treat me with the respect and care I deserve.

I'm going to copyright that...

thanks guys, you've all been great. i know i have to talk to him and sort this out. i hate feeling this way, i just feel like a parrot repeating myself, i honestly thought he was better than this. respect, to me, is paramount and if i dont have that then i cant trust. its always been an issue for be but even more so now im a mum and supposed to b getting married, i dont want to marry unless its better.

our folks live miles away so not an option, if it was i would gone!!!!

kick him in the cock. best suggestion yet.

Glad to help.

if he calls at lunch shall i tell him then? or shall i just not answer and then have it out with him later?