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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i hate it and it makes me feel like shit. AM I WRONG?

223 replies

lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 08:53

my partner buys these mags that really upset me (namely zoo/nuts) especially since i've just had a baby and my confidence is zip. he mainly hides this fact from me, but i have womans intuition and i just know. last night he came home and i saw the latest copy in his bag and i felt sick, it just felt like the last straw, there's me looking scruffy covered in sick, totally stressed out.

he never romances me (i have asked him loads of times to do something nice for each other, i need to feel loved and wanted and all the other mushy stuff) i'm just the woman that looks after his baby, cleans the house and i feel like a total mug.

this morning i went into our lounge and found that not only had he decided to masturbate into his sock (i thought this was reserved for teenagers?) but that he has also left it for me to tidy up.

i am so angry and disappointed.

am i wrong to feel like this? am i wrong to want him to stop buying these mags and make more of an effort with me?

OP posts:
tracyk · 16/08/2007 13:58

Been following this thread for a while now.
You seem very negative - I can't do this, he doesn't listen, can't go on a train by myself.
You need to make yourself do it!
Will do you the world of good.
All you need is a buggy, couple of clothes and a few nappies and milk.
Nottingham has shops - so you can buy what nappies and milk you neee there - no need to lug it all.
Plus - a new mum and baby will get loads of help and attention while travelling.

Fireflyfairy2 · 16/08/2007 13:58

I was on the 'phone to DH at lunchtime & asked him about this.. he said he obviously doesn't have any respect for you, nor does he care that you know he's a dirty bastard.

He did snigger when he heard the mags he was using to wank over though Said they were a bit juvenile.

You need to sort the relationship out before you marry him.

Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 13:59

if i ask him to go, he'll say he's taking our baby with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 14:01

thanks guys i have to go feed baby, i'll check in later xxx

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 16/08/2007 14:02

Do you really think your mum would want you to stay in a relationship where the guy is treating you like shit & ignoring your feelings

My mam adores my dh but there's no way she'd have me put up with that!! And I'll tell you something else... his mam wouldn't either!

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 14:10

Well he can't take the baby, otherwise you will leave him for good and you'll end up with baby in the end. I can see why you are feeling/sounding negative though. At 24 years old, you shouldn't be feeling this shit about yourself, even if you are a new mum. He should be treating you like a fecking queen, not making you feel like you aren't good enough for him.

I'm 24, too; I'm married. No kids yet. If my bloke did this to me, it would be easier for me to go as I have no baby to consider, but I would also make it clear to him that I am not putting up with it.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 14:16

I actually just think he's the type of man that needs all this spelling out to him in short sentences, made up of words with as few syllables as possible.

You are dirty. You disrespect me. Stop buying juvenile comedy porn. Wank in the shower. Wipe up after yourself. Don't leave semen-filled socks lying around for me. Pay me some fucking attention. OR I'M LEAVING.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 14:18

And don't forget HD's kick in the cock, on your way out.

Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 14:26

lol...

why am i always second best? my whole life i've been compared to others, i'm so sick of it. i'm so tired. i just want to be me, and be loved for just being me.

i cant just leave my home, its not that easy.

his idea of attention is sex thats good for him (if he ever makes time for me, it's rare) and then a game of something on his ps2.

oh, i am so tired and emotionally drained.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 14:26

if we didnt have our baby i dont think i would be here...

OP posts:
Pammylou72 · 16/08/2007 14:39

I think you need to get on a train and go and stay with supportive friends/mum/ other family member for a few days. You need someone who looks after your child while you have a break and time to think. Do you think he has any idea of how you feel - not just about mags but about him in general?

EricL · 16/08/2007 14:39

Oh dear. Sorry to hear that. That's not a good sign.

I'd just like to add to my post that i don't actually support this guy or agree with what he is doing - it's not something i would ever do or have done during our realtionship.

I was just trying to maybe get some understanding as to why he would be like this in case you wanted to work through it.

Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 14:44

he just text me from work, as if everything was ok, asking if i was ok, and i went off on one... i havent had a reply.

OP posts:
HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 14:45

You poor girl. I think he sounds very immature. Is he much older/younger than you? Of course you want to be loved and accepted; that didn't happen for me until I found my husband, as my family have been pretty ummm sketchy. A game on a PS after sex sounds ridiculous. Aren't you supposed to fall asleep in each other's arms or some other cliché? Don't you get kisses and cuddles? You will have felt no more needy for attention than you do right now after having had a baby, but even so, if I was deprived of basic elements of love I couldn't stay.

I do, however, understand everyone's circumstances are different and it will be difficult for you; but there seems to be more going on here. Remember it's your life and you won't get another chance so, at whatever cost, you have to do what is right for you. You may be absolutely broke, but life has a funny way of helping us out.

Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 14:45

i'm shaking, i feel sick.

OP posts:
HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 14:46

Eric, you and happydaddy are two of the loveliest men (at mumsnet face value). There should be more men with these levels of empathy and respect for other people.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 14:47

lolly hugs We are all behind you. He's a tit. Whatever he says will be in defence of himself, and how can he defend THAT?

Original poster
lollyroffled · 16/08/2007 14:50

your ladies are very lucky.

i'm going to pack a bag and go somewhere, anywhere.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 16/08/2007 15:04

wow, lolly this thread has gone some since i checked in, r u ok? I am also in nottingham if u need someone else to talk to, but family would be better in these circumstances.

Have you ever opened up to your DP's mum? My MIL obviously knows my DH very well and she is the only one I can talk to about him when he is really doing my head in. Knowing I have her support really helps.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 16/08/2007 15:08

lolly, id go and stay somewhere for a few days, you need soome time to think things through and you need to show him you're serious! it is hard travelling with a baby but can be done if needs must, and i think needs must!!

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:09

Lolly, what has happened? I wish I lived closer, I'd welcome you to stay here. Lolly, is he aggressive?

whiskeyandbeer · 16/08/2007 15:12

sorry i haven't had time to read the whole thread. but is the advice being given for the op to leave still based on the nuts/zoo mags and leaving the sock behind? or has something else been revealed (constant abuse/arguments/comments).
just wondering.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:19

whiskey, we're not really sure, but something has happened via text. There seem to be other issues.

HorseyWoman · 16/08/2007 15:20

By the way, we were mostly only saying go away for a few days for some space to think, and for him to think about the level of respect he is showing; but then there was this text exchange between them, so not really sure now.

Fireflyfairy2 · 16/08/2007 15:21

Lolly, can I ask you something outright?

Why are you still there?

No, it won't be easy to leave, it rarely is, but fgs woman, you need to talk to yourself about why you allow this man to treat you like this!!

What did you text back to him when you "had a go at him"?