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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 20/10/2019 14:17

I'm so sorry Flowers.
It does sound very sudden though? Has he given any other reason apart from he hasn't been happy for years?
Living together still could be awkward. Would he sleep in a spare room/sofa?. You must be in shock as obviously didn't see this coming. Would he be open to counselling? I think you both need to sit down and discuss what you're going to tell your children. Again, I'm sorry for you.

litterbird · 20/10/2019 14:40

How awful and shocking for you to have to deal with this. You will be ok, I promise you, your children will be ok. They will go into shock too and go through all the grieving stages too so be mindful. You must be honest with them at all steps of the way. Were there any small changes that you saw in your husband leading up to this? He seems to have completely zoned out of the marriage and now he's made the decision and you just have to go with it. If you can, can you get into counselling for yourself? It really helped me. This may not be the end of everything, you may find he realises after time this is not what he wants and may try and mend things. Try not to do the 'pick me' dance if you find out there is someone in the wings. It happens. Keep talking to us and keep breathing. Your mind will be shattered as will your heart be. You will survive, you will be ok.

fedup21 · 20/10/2019 14:44

Is there someone else?

You talk about him moving out-has he said that’s what he intends to do?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 14:47

There is the high probability of an OW. He could be waiting to see how it pans out with her before moving out. Men having an affair will often say they've been unhappy for years as a justification. NAMALT, obviously but be aware of the possibility.

mumwon · 20/10/2019 15:01

is he depressed or stressed? (devil's advocate here) It could be other woman or it could be he is feeling (male menopause) trapped because his work/life/plans are not going the way he thought they would. ask him calmly (if he will listen & not get defensive) why he hasn't mentioned this before, (& for goodness sake get your finances in order & if you have joint bank accounts - let others explain - just don't let your self be financially vulnerable - might be an idea to get some legal advice?) Pre-emptive strike!

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 15:32

Thank you all for your responses. He says that he wants something different but doesn’t know what that is right now. Ideally, he wants us both to stay in the house but not as a couple. I honestly can’t imagine doing that.

OP posts:
Startingoveragain1 · 20/10/2019 15:34

Sorry to hear OP, mine has broke the news to me 2 days ago as well. He also doesnt know when or where he is gonna go and seems happy to stay put for now. He is planning on still spendin time together once ge moves. Wtf My dp has been under a lot of stress and depressed, ive realised he is probably going through a mid life crisis. Could something like that ve affecting urs?or has he veen normal lately? Theres not much we can do in this. Ive been tryin to help him for ages. Just know it is absolutely not your fault and you will indeed be alright. The kids too, theyre much more resilient than we give them credit for too. Try to be kind to yourself and take things a day a time. Im literally in the same predicament with 2 little ones and in complete shock.

saraclara · 20/10/2019 15:38

No. Just no.

I really don't understand this. If he's decided it's over, he needs to leave. He doesn't get to drop a bombshell yet not have the guts to sort out his own new life.
It's incredibly cruel to continue to hang around after opting out of the marriage.

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 15:43

I’m so sorry to hear that StartingOverAgain. I feel this huge ache in my chest like my heart is genuinely hurting.

OP posts:
nomoreclue · 20/10/2019 15:43

Don’t let him stay in the house! If he wants out then he gets out. Properly.

LondonCrone · 20/10/2019 15:53

Yeah, he needs to go. He’s all about figuring out what’s best for him. What about what’s best for you?

I’m sorry to say this OP, but I think there might be someone else. He wants to date her and be morally clear — because technically you’ve split — but he’s not courageous enough to take the leap.

Fuck that, babe. 🍷

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 15:54

I agree. He can't have his cake and eat it.

He needs to go.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2019 15:55

I'd bet my life there's someone else. They always say they've been unhappy for years (with no actual evidence of that) because it's something they've been telling the OW.

The fact he doesn't want to leave immediately indicates the OW is married and planning her own departure.

I know I'll get slated for this cynicism but I've seen it so many times on here.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2019 15:56

And then he can say, "We got together after we split up," thus remaining the good guy.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 20/10/2019 16:04

I've been through what you're experiencing right now. He too used the 'haven't been happy for years' line - not to me but his family who obviously then supported him. He did leave - and yes of course there was an OW to whom he is now married.

This was 7.5 years ago and at the time my DS then 11 was deeply affected - my DD then 14 was affected but less so. We had a very difficult few months, but I am pleased to report that they are now both thriving. The kids both did extremely well in their GCSEs and A levels, both now at university and have good and healthy social lives. They are fine ! As am I (still single). They support me 100% and whilst they still see their father, it is sporadic. My son has to date refused to meet the OW. My daughter has met her but they have no relationship.

Good luck - you will be OK, but be prepared for a few bumpy months.

firstoffence · 20/10/2019 16:05

You need a good sit down chat, if it’s all pretty amicable it would help to decide between yourselves how you split asset etc.
If the house is owned by you both I can understand why he doesn’t want to leave until you have sorted finances and time with kids.

rvby · 20/10/2019 16:05

@At17

I'm not fussed about your h. I'm fussed about you.

Do you work? Have friends nearby? Is there someone you can phone who might be able to come and sit with you?

Can you have a cup of sweet hot tea. Perhaps get in the bath while you wait for reinforcements to come..

Its imperative you take care of your dear self. This man doesn't have your best interests at heart, you must look to yourself x

rvby · 20/10/2019 16:05

Are you due to go into work tomorrow?

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 16:11

Thank you all again. I’m sorry for the sporadic replies but I’m with the children while he’s gone to meet a friend. I am reading and very grateful though.

OP posts:
nomoreclue · 20/10/2019 16:16

He’s gone to meet a friend. Cynical me wonders exactly who that friend might be. He’s jerking you around I think.

81Byerley · 20/10/2019 16:17

He needs to move out and give you space to sort yourself out and think. Don't let him make all the choices. I understand your pain and disbelief, the heartbreak and the worry about your children. I went through it as well. It's scary. I just wanted to change it back to how it was, but once I started making decisions for me, and disregarding his wishes, I started to feel stronger and my recovery started. You can do this. You need to be away from him first of all.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/10/2019 16:19

No he doesn’t get to stay in the house and keep all the comforts and security of home while he’s ripped your shared future apart.

He has gone to meet the OW.

When he’s back, tell him he has to leave this week.

Flowers
MrsMozartMkII · 20/10/2019 16:19

I'm sorry lass.

He needs to feck off. He doesn't get to dictate.

minesagin37 · 20/10/2019 16:24

Pack his case whilst he's out. He is meeting the other woman. Don't be a doormat hun. Thanks

mostlydrinkstea · 20/10/2019 16:31

It is all so predictable.

If he wants to figure out what to do he can figure it out somewhere else. He doesn't get to drop this bombshell and expect you to facilitate his new single life. So when he gets back from seeing his 'friend' it is time for him to pack his bags and move onto the sofa/spare room or off to his mum's/friend's house or hotel depending on how charitable you feel.

You need to work out what to tell the children. Keep it as factual as you can. Dad has decided he doesn't want to be married to mum and he is leaving.

Call your best friend and tells someone. You need support.

You need to look at finances. He has got caught up in his exciting new life or prospect of an exciting new life and is not thinking straight. How does he think he is going to pay for this? Does he think he can lodge with you whilst he test drives the new woman or starts dating?

No.

This is grief. It hurts like hell.