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Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 20/10/2019 19:05

Even if there wasnt another woman he doesnt get to decide that you live together while he thinks about what he wants-show him the door if its over its over

Derbee · 20/10/2019 19:08

Get his phone. Read his messages. I’m sure you’ll get some answers that you don’t want, but you need all the information you can get for your divorce.

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 19:11

I really don't want a divorce. I know that might sound weak but this was never in my plans. I wonder if he just needs some time away to get his head straight. He's just been really crying, he's so sad about all of this, especially the idea of not seeing the children.

I honestly can't think straight right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 19:12

Up until yesterday, he was my best friend, my life-partner. I can't just switch that off and I hate seeing him in this much pain.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 20/10/2019 19:13

Keep it together, OP. You are in shock. You need space to think-so either he needs to leave or you do (for a few days.)

TomHardysBitontheside · 20/10/2019 19:15

I'm so sorry to hear your news OP. Just over 3 years ago exactly the same thing happened to me. Out of the blue DH told me he didn't love me any more and wanted space. And he stayed in the marital home for a month. It was awful. Really hard. Then he moved out.

About a week later he texted me with a grovelling apology. I let him back and things were good, for a while.

Fast forward 9 months and things were awful again and he moved out for good just after the New Year. All the time he told me it was because the love had gone, he wasn't "feeling" it, etc.

About 6 weeks after he left I found out he'd met someone when he was away with friends and they'd been together over a year. He introduced her to the kids 5 months after he left and they're still together.

I'm not suggesting for 1 minute that your DH is being unfaithful, but I am making an assumption from what you've said and the signs are there.

If you feel strong enough ask him to go as soon as possible to save yourself any more pain. Living in the same house but not being together is incredibly hard.

mostlydrinkstea · 20/10/2019 19:16

This is shock. He has been planning this for a while and has had time to emotionally disconnect. It is going to take time for your heart and head to to catch up.

You will get through this even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

Derbee · 20/10/2019 19:16

This situation is awful OP. I understand not wanting a divorce. You’re also in shock, encase this has come out of the blue. Your alternative is having a husband that is having sex with someone behind your back, whilst you ignore it and pretend everything is ok, because he’s still in the house.

Whether you split up or stay together, you need some space from each other for a bit

Figgygal · 20/10/2019 19:18

He's sad because you've rumbled him
He's made his bed tell him to go

Derbee · 20/10/2019 19:19

I hate seeing him in this much pain

Please remember, that his “pain” is “guilt”. They are one and the same when you’ve shattered a marriage and have let someone down so badly. You are seeing him in pain because he feels guilty, because of his actions.

JoyceJeffries · 20/10/2019 19:19

Tbh it’s almost irrelevant if there is another woman (very easy for me to say) but he’s told you it is over and that he plans to leave.

None of this will be easy for you but you need to take control over your own destiny. Book a solicitor tomorrow. Money is important and if he does have an OW then it is an extremely expensive hobby. Safe guard your money.

Do you have any friends/family you can confide in? You need real life support if possible.

Look into any benefits you are entitled to.

I know he was your best friend up until now but you weren’t his. Do not, under any circumstances try and comfort him. Yes, it may appear he looks like some sort of breakdown that he is having but this is an act.

Grafittiqueen · 20/10/2019 19:19

She's definitely the OW. So sorry you're going through this.

Have a look at the chump lady website and the 180. Take the decision out of his hands. It's probably your only chance. Don't do the pick me dance.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 19:21

He's crying? He's sad? How does he think YOU feel after having that bombshell dropped on you. He can go cry on his 'friend's' shoulder. Wasn't that what he saw her for today?

aweedropofsancerre · 20/10/2019 19:22

At17 sadly your about a year behind where he is. He has had time to think about this and the impact on his kids has hit home today. However it is really just the impact on them...... that’s why he is sad you will find your inner rage soon enough but your not here to sort him out. He has told you it’s over and run off to a ‘friend’ who happens to have also left her husband this week’

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 19:23

He doesn't deserve you OP.

It's a massive shock. One step at a time, so please ask him to go.

He will end up making a fool of you if you allow him to stay - and give him your sympathy to boot.

I hope the anger comes, because that's what will give you the strength to take control of your life.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 19:25

He's trying to manipulate you by crying by making himself out to be a victim.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/10/2019 19:25

They work and socialise together on nights out and weekends away? Shock

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 19:27

Why would he not see his kids? That makes no sense.

And I suspect he's crying becayse he feels guilty.

Op, what are you doing, thr pick me dance? are you hoping he will change his mind?

onalongsabbatical · 20/10/2019 19:28

Living in the same house in the wake of a shock break-up like this can be utter, utter torture, OP. Please try and avoid putting yourself through it.

Without going into detail, in a similar situation, where I did not have the resources to leave, I really struggled to survive. You absolutely must put yourself first, ruthlessly if you can. Flowers

TeachesOPeaches · 20/10/2019 19:29

OP Sad work colleague. Tale as old as time.

Please remember this. He is crying because he got caught. Perhaps because being caught has given him a shock and he now feels guilty...but he is crying firstly because he got caught. In pain because he has fucked this all up. Not you. Him.

You have the strength. You have grown, birthed and raised 2 humans. You definitely have the strength!

How dare he do this to you. Your family. Your home. Your life. Your future. Find your anger Flowers

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 19:29

I’m desperately hoping he’ll pick me and our marriage, yes. I don’t want to split up.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 20/10/2019 19:30

Don’t do the pick me dance. You’ll spend the rest of your life always feeling you were never good enough in the first place. It’s no way to live.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/10/2019 19:36

OP it’s not for you to save your marriage, I’m so
Sorry!
Best thing to do is have him leave for a few days and give you space, he can’t drop bomb and then still be in such close proximity. Flowers

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/10/2019 19:37

Regardless if there's another woman or not (although I think there is), you need space... ask him to leave. Right now he wants his cake and to eat it. He wants to live as a single man and decide what he wants to do, but not leave his lovely warm comfortable house. Ask him to leave OP, if he's ever going to come back to you, he needs to understand what he's losing.

suggestionsplease1 · 20/10/2019 19:37

He's possibly crying because he's realised his plans might not be working out...he had a plan of action before, he broke up but intended to stay in the house and not let on about OW, so having his cake and eating it. Now he knows he might not get things to go entirely his way - and the enormity of that is sinking in.

I would ask him to be entirely honest with you OP and tell you what, if anything, has been going on. There's a chance nothing physical has happened yet, there has been an emotional affair but he considers he's try to act with integriity (!) by not having had a physical relationship until officially breaking up. (Yes, it happens).

If you want to have any chance of saving your marriage - and I would think carefully if that is really what you want to do - he needs to be completely transparent with you now. Without honesty you have nothing. But he has to want to be with you - you will know, deep down I think, that it's not right for you to be in a relationship with someone whose heart is not in it anymore. If it's not right for one of you, it's not right for both.